Exist or Live

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sometimes the grief is devastating, & sometimes it is freeing.

in both of those times, i am strong enough to see it.

when i sing- whisper to my womb that it will not hold anything but the cells i need to re-build, i am reminded that i was once someone else’s body.

when i laugh at how powerful i have made myself, i am reminded that i still became my own. so separate from the sac that held me.

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i know i can only imagine, only assume & often, i will choose not to.

my pain was voided long before i told someone that it hurt to be loved by her- ‘mothers & daughters are like that, you’ll see’

in my observations, i see that there are all kinds of mothers and all kinds of daughters but the constant seems to be that we don’t listen to ourselves half as much as we listen to each other

we should speak softer. we should murmer like heartbeats.

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Chris needs someone to be on his side though, to help him because the truth of the matter is, he feels alone. He fears being hated by his family and now they do and someone is finally telling him that he is loved and cared for, that he isnt a monster (“Im no good”. Bby yes you are). I just…

(some)Viewers: omg chris is evil. he deserves to die. Chris is a psychopath. Chris is the next dexter, Chris is a murderer. He’s evil.

Madison: Watches Daniel torture a soldier. Tells a pregnant woman her child might eat it’s way out of her. Uses Travis over and over again. Betrayed Chris’s trust/went behind is back. Basically told Travis that Chris was evil and her kids were more important. without fully knowing the situation. Literally locked a woman in a cellar full of zombies for a “guaranteed” painful death.

Murphy: 

There was a lot of terrible writing and plotting in this season. I don’t care who you ship, or who you stan. All of our unpromlematic faves got killed or dragged through the mud. A lot of the plot lines made absolutely no sense. A lot of character actions were entirely out of character, with unclear motivations.

And then there’s John Murphy. He’s just trying to fucking survive, man. He’s a murderer. He’s an asshole. And he became the accidental hero of the entire season. 3.01 opens with Murphy locked in a bunker, slowly losing his mind. That, by the way, was an incredible ten minutes of television. Richard Harmon is such a fantastic actor. Then, Murphy is finally released by Alie, and she attempts to manipulate him. Good fucking luck, because Murphy does not care enough about anything to fall for your shit. He reunites with Emori, who he should not trust at all, because the last time they met she left him for dead. Instead, he falls in love with her, obviously. And she thinks our trash prince is pretty cute, too. Unfortunately, they’re kidnapped and separated. But Murphy is resourceful. He gets Clarke out of Polis. He manipulates Ontari. He finds Emori again, only to be betrayed by her because she is chipped. He busts out of prison with the most unlikely group of people who fucking hate each other by convincing them to cooperate. He saves Bellamy’s life, again. Bellamy saves his life, again. He saves Abby’s life by cutting her out of a noose (hey, he knows first hand that’s not pleasant). Then, he keeps Clarke alive while the flame is inside her by reaching into the chest of a dead girl who raped him to pump her heart so that the transfusion of blood between Ontari and Clarke can continue so that Clarke’s body won’t reject the flame and her brain won’t melt. I mean, what the fuck, John Murphy. Way to save the day. And then, when the brainwashing link between the chipped people and Alie is broken, he gets Emori back. And he is so fucking emotional. For the first time ever, something matters to him. And that’s the moment I realized he has the only plot line that makes sense, and even showed growth, in this entire fucking shitshow of a season.

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