𝐬𝐰𝐞𝐞𝐭 𝐝𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐦𝐬,

     ⸻ not everyone can say they’ve been to the big apple, but KAI CRAWFORD, a 55 year-old CIS MALE has lived in CARNEGIE HILL, MANHATTAN for 55 YEARS. this is the city of dreams and HE knows it, because they came to nyc to be a WALLSTREET FINANCIER. well, that and as HUSBAND to MARGOT CRAWFORD. living in the city means they meet all kinds of people, but everyone always seems to think they look like KEANU REEVES. they even got away with free cab fare once because of it!

Ricardo: The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch

[text]: They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal.

[text]: I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.

[text]: Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.

[text]: That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news.

[text]: [_______] disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since.

[text]: I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.

[text]: NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.

[text]: why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list

[text]: You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it

[text]: It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.

[text]: fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.

[text]: You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!

[text]: Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.

[text]: My vagina is officially offended.

[text]: With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.

[text]: No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(

[text]: For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.

[text]: After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!

[text]: Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.

[text]: If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store

[text]: You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall

[text]: In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME

[text]: What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.

[text]: The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch

[text]: I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.

“That’s a really weird response to a perfectly normal question."  Harlan argues, waving an accusatory finger at the older man. Who had to be slightly older, right? Not, like, jurassic. How old could his kids be? And why would he push them to a stranger? God, being a catch was so difficult in this economy. He can only hope he hasn’t gotten himself into an arranged marriage again. It was so boring last time. "Well, duh, I’m planning on getting away with it. It’s the whole point, sweetcheeks.” A pause, he cants his head. “How old are you, by the way?”

-

      ------“ I’D LIKE TO argue the question wasn’t baseline normal, but i fear that’s semantics by this point. the conversation has progressed beyond the acceptability of marriage for the sole purpose of insurance fraud. ” his eyes followed the finger in question - waved like a wand or some sort of weapon, perhaps, though the intent behind it hardly seemed aggressive. in some tone he could appreciate the boisterousness expressed, the rest of him simply let it be. “ i’ve never been accused of being sweet. ”

      and that was all he said about that ---not fond of pet names, but kai surmised that bringing that up would only open the avenue for more. he opted to let it slide. “ probably old enough to be your father, or close there-to. it’s not very polite to ask that outright, however. so i’ll let you guess. and we can hot-and-cold it. ”

location: the crawford love shack

who: @kaicrawford

“So, can we agree on no Nicola at the Christmas party?” Margot spoke up as she worked on fixing them both a drink, busily pouring a generous portion of scotch in each glass. She couldn’t help but bring the subject up – in both her professional and personal life, she had to get her way no matter what, and frankly she couldn’t handle having to see Kai’s ex wife in their home over the holidays. Sure, he had children with this woman, but the discomfort the other woman brought her was unmatched. Her jealousy often reared its ugly head and that wasn’t the prettiest sight.

A crystal glass in each hand, the brunette sauntered over to the couch, sliding into the spot next to him with ease, holding out the glass for him. “Sophie and Ronan aren’t too happy that I said I wasn’t comfortable with it, and I know – they’re your kids, but I just can’t deal with it, I’ve been meticulously planning this party since July and…” She cut herself off then, not wanting to make this a bigger deal than it actually was. “You know how I get, darling. Can you talk to them? Please?”

-

      ------HIS EXPRESSION TOLD all as far as nicola went. the mere mention of her name sent something related to a shiver up the base of kai’s spine - and not in the way nicola would have liked, he imagined. wife two of three ---she’d spin the yarn to make anyone believe that kai was some self-absorbed monster ( he was, a bit ) that was only interested in work and had done nothing but neglect her, save to put two children inside of her. part of it was true ... work would always be a top priority of his, and he had two children with her, but her own version of manipulation and deceit was spun solely for pity points. she’d tried to rake him over the coals, her plan to wed and divorce him for half of his estate ( or more ) failed horribly because of his penchant for prenuptial agreements. kai crawford was no idiot, among the many things he did tend to be.

      so he accepted the glass of scotch from wife three of three ---the one that he believed to be it, and offered her a genuine smile ( for as small at it was ). he wasn’t the most expressive man, one needed to pay mind to his words and his body language to glean any sense of FEELING from what he intended, but margot seemed to be well-versed in that silent speech. still, the sneer that nicola’s name brought - the bitterness swallowed down with a long draw from the scotch - was palpable. heavily visible, even. “ i didn’t realize that she was even considered as an invitation. ”

      the doing of his children, no doubt. so much was confirmed with margot’s explanation and he nodded as he rest the glass on his knee, fingers tracing the rim absently. “ i’d rather swallow broken glass than see her, if that’s any indication of an answer. ” so he sighed, turned his body more amicably toward his better half and nodded in agreement, “ i’ll talk to them. they know better than to press the issue with me, i’d hoped they knew better than to try with you. consider it dealt with. ” AND THAT WAS THAT.

      “ tell me about what you have planned. color schemes, anyone i need to be behaved around. ” as if he ever was less than perfect before company. it was a means to keep her talking ---he liked the sound of her voice, the drawl of her accent and the way it curled delicately around words he wouldn’t suspect. he settled when he was closer to her, shoulders brushing each time he inhaled, and took another swallow of scotch.

starter: open ( @enycstarters​ ) 

“Can you do me one favor? Just this one thing?" He is earnest when asking. Looks innocent enough. Wears a boyish grin on his face, and looks at his companion with tenderness. "Will you…"  Harlan closes his hands into fists, holding both up at his eye level. "pretend to be my spouse for an insurance scam –– ” That was not it, he is still going. He stretches out his arms, invitingly, and lets his pitch grow higher with excitement. “But then we fall in love for real?!”

-

      ------“ I’M PRETTY SURE i have a kid that would go for that. ” ronan maybe, or luca. someone that had the sense of humor that seemed to jive with the comical notion of scamming insurance and falling in love as a reality. from over the rims of his sunglasses he peered at the grand gesture, the way his arms seem to be apart of the story, the hands and their motions. one brow rose slightly, and kai felt his tongue wet at his lips before he continued. “ i think that’s the basis for a movie or twenty, though. you could probably get away with it if you do it right. insurance companies are all a monopoly anyway. ”