Just A Simple Girl

I haven't written in a while, it seemed pointless. I was getting hate for trying to express myself in a place that I wasn't able too anywhere else. But it seems I'm back in that place where there's nowhere to turn too, so I shall do it here. It's been an up and down few months. I quit my job and found another, I've mended bridges I'd never thought I'd get the chance too, I've been arrested and charged, I've dealt with sickness in the family and a few other things but I'm not here for a history lesson. I'm here for acceptance of myself. I've been trying to ignore the black cloud that's been hovering for a good time now, a cloud so full of pity and frustration. I try so hard to be a good person, I try to pay it forward whenever I can, I always try to put others first and consider all perspectives, but there's only so much convincing I can do. I understand everyone is living their own life, as am I but it gets awfully lonely sometimes, I remember that one friend told me she doesn't want to be around me alone, only it group settings. I've had another push me away based on who and how my ex feels about me, I've said goodbye to boy I really could have loved overseas, I mended my friendship with my best friend to learn that I really don't believe she's let me back in, that she wants my company or anything else for that matter, she's trying but I don't think she believes it herself either.(I know you'll read this, I love you) I've had family dismiss me once again for no reason, make that a couple now that I think about it. Regardless, I'm the common factor, each person has their own reasons for doing things and I understand that but I don't want to be a fool, I give my everything and it's never acknowledged. I try and I fail. Pretty much sums up my life. I just want honesty from the people around me and I'm not getting that, I'd rather be actually alone then be treated like the last kid picked at school, it hurts knowing the person I am isn't accepted or wanted by anyone else. I have no best friend, no partner, no real friends, no father, I'm missing both a brother and sister, I have myself and I don't even like me. I wish I could just leave and go away and start a new life, be someone new, but that's the shit thing about my life, I don't have those opportunities to leave, as hard as I try. At least I have my cat, when I force the cuddles. Meow.

Feeling pretty damn worthless right now.