happy birthday to me 31 🎂✨

Hi :)

My life is constantly shifting, and soon it’ll change in a big way. I’ll be enlisting into the Air Force and heading into the unknown. I don’t know who I’ll become on the other side of this, but I know I won’t be the same.

This might be my last entry unless I find myself back in the dark, needing space to spill what’s heavy. But for now, I feel like it’s time to let this blog go. My quiet goodbye to anyone who’s been reading along, whether you’ve been here from the start or just stumbled in. Or maybe no one was ever here at all and that’s okay too. Thank you, truly.

I’m patiently waiting to fall in love again not just with someone, but with life, with myself, with the kind of connection that stirs something deep. I miss the sensations that come with truly being seen, touched, understood. But this time, I’m not just open to anyone I want to feel that with the people I choose to keep close, the ones who align with the life I’m building.

More than anything, I’m choosing myself now. I’m done saying no to what I need, to who I am. I want to see the world, taste new beginnings, and feel the freedom of moving forward without needing to glance back for validation. The past no longer holds the power to define me, I do.

I don’t know when or if my relationship with my mom will ever be repaired. She’s chosen another partner who isn’t good for her, and this time it’s worse…he’s an addict. It feels like high school all over again. But the difference now is me. I get to choose differently. I get to protect my peace. I can love her from afar, but I no longer have to stay tangled in her choices.

Alex and I are still together, but it’s been feeling more and more like we’d be better off just being co-parents. Our bond is strong we have so much history, and I love him like family. That kind of love doesn’t just go away. But romantically, we’re not aligned anymore.

We work well as a team for our kids, and we’re close as friends. But the deeper connection we once had isn’t there in the same way. I still love him, just not in the way I used to. And I think part of me knows we’d both find more peace and maybe even growth if we could let go and just honor the part of our relationship that still works: being parents.

I miss having my people….those I could really talk to. Lately, I’ve been feeling so lonely, like I’m carrying everything in silence. I wish I could reconnect with them, but maybe too much time or distance has passed.

I’m sorry if I ever came across as too sad or too much. Sometimes I feel pathetic for being so emotional, but I also know that all I’ve ever wanted was a true friend. Someone who gets it. Someone who’s okay with deep conversations, a little harmless flirting, and some fun banter to lighten it all up. Just someone who stays.

This is it for now….farewell