Numso (ute)

how (un)conditional is samins love for sayeon?

before the murder that traumatizes sayeon, sayeon remembers that she thought of samin as a dependable older sister “who never fought with me, never yelled at me, never cried” (ch19). yet this is the case because sayeon, before that day, was docile and obedient, having listened to and accepted all of samins commands.

ch12 has samin explicitly happy and relieved that sayeon does not question her

also one of the first things she tells sayeon when sara dies (ch19):

and finally, some of her FIRST WORDS IN THE STORY (ch1) to sayeon:

we are introduced to samin as a sister who DEMANDS to be listened to. she takes full responsibility over sayeon and the household itself at a young age, but expects full trust from sayeon - full obedience from sayeon - as she takes care of everything. i think she largely conceptualizes of sayeons obedience as love. this is a girl whose father died early in her life, and then whose mother acted erratic and scary and threatening. the well godling calls out that samin has a complex around control (ch74); i think living w someone as all knowing and dominating as sara left her scrambling to find things she could feel control over, like caring for her pet fish.

another thing she could feel control over was sayeon. she already had a complex about protecting sayeon - in typical lee fashion she thinks of herself as responsible for things she rly shouldnt be, bc it means she can take an active role and do something. thus she is responsible for and must protect sayeon. saras death just triples that complex, as samin is not just protecting sayeon from sara, but now protecting her from the entire world. her goldfish in a bowl…

when sayeon disobeys, it shatters samins semblance of control. ch18-19 (the main flashbacks of samin killing jugyeongs father) show her combative towards him, but she only REALLY breaks down after sayeon questions her regarding sara. whatever illusion of absolute obedience she expected from sayeon breaks. she cant control her essence - that, OR she rewinds several times and cannot prevent sayeon from questioning her no matter how the conversation goes. this reading hits different for me… not just sayeon questioning her about sara, but sayeon questioning her and standing up to samin at all! the thing samin never expected or wanted, and it’s happening in front of some cop surprising and disparaging samin for her parenting!!! its happening no matter how many times she rewinds! she cant control sayeons behavior…?

i think, apart from a sign of losing control over sayeon, disobedience in this context is, to samin, a betrayal, a lack of trust, and even a sign that sayeon does not truly love her. if sayeon loved her, she wouldnt want to know about sara. if sayeon loved her, she wouldnt be siding w a rando cop, QUESTIONING SAMIN…

and bc i read this as a fundamental betrayal, i also read samin killing baek as punishment primarily for sayeon. theres no other reason for her to sound so cruel during these flashbacks (ch14 and ch16 respectively). it is all intended to hurt sayeon. she stabs sayeon and twists the knife. the fact that it is punishment intended to hurt sayeon gives the samin-sayeon relationship a distinctly abusive flavor lol (and potentially emotionally incestuous… to be this emotionally reliant on a child, and to punish a “betrayal” like this….. hm), bc the love samin talks abt is so intertwined w obedience. she may love sayeon, but it is a twisted love founded on sayeons listening and asking no questions, forever compliant, a goldfish in a bowl. realistically, sayeon cannot be silent and obedient forever, she has to grow into her own person who makes her own choices. this is smth samin indulges in so long as she has a handle on sayeon (thru her spy, min), and can goad sayeon into taking actions she wants (such as goading her thru another crimson society member into checking out the begonia warehouse where ryujin gets shot)

when sayeon first rebels or disobeys, she faces disproportionate consequences. are these consequences even the best way to put sayeon back under samins control, docile and compliant? maybe yes in the short run, but a resounding no in the long run, as sayeons trust in samin is forever broken. is such harsh punishment part of samins love….? is love all-encompassing and unconditional if a simple question is punished this severely?

sayeon herself says it in ch15

“Look down at what you did” is particularly cruel to me.. she genuinely did not have to murder that guy! she plausibly has the same time rewind powers like sayeon, it really didn’t have to go like this! if it was so dangerous that baek knew that samin was raising sayeon alone, she could have handled the situation acting grateful for his care and just killed him like 6 hours later, away from sayeons eyes. samin chose for it to go like this bc she wanted to HURT sayeon for her disobedience. a corpse in sayeons home, her safest space - she will never think of the place the same way again! in the same way that sara instills in sayeon the idea that anything that happens to her is her fault (re: sayeon being bullied by a boy in preschool “why would you let him? you’re my daughter”), samin doubles down. “look at what you did” over a murder samin carries out….. “don’t you agree?” forcing sayeons compliance… its sayeons fault that samin had to be violent! vicious! spoken like an abuser! samin, who wanted to protect sayeon from sara, hurts her worse than sara ever did!

the thing i really like about this, is how it is both similar to and different to how sayeon treats ryujin after ryujins betrayal in yesol arc. both are marked by an act of disobedience that infuriate samin or sayeon. samin punishes sayeon by murdering someone she cares for, an adult she sees everyday and her friends father, and forcing her to look at the corpse. sayeon attempts to punish ryujin by proving that her friend yesol is Just as evil, if not more, than sayeon (takes innocents hostage and threatens to kill them to fulfill a goal, etc) and forcing ryujin to watch. sayeons punishment is diff bc it comes from a place of wanting ryujin to admit that sayeon isnt that bad, that ryujin was wrong to distrust and threaten her, sayeon is even more moral than ryujins long time friend yesol!!! but bc its sayeons feelings and morals at stake, sayeons punishment backfires and just makes her feel worse. everyone decides not to fight, no one is taken hostage or dies, and the worst person here is sayeon (the true heaven sent angel)! samins punishment is not over being a good person, its abt seeking absolute obedience (love.. control?) and it backfires bc sayeon, traumatized, retreats from samin and never accepts samins words or love the same again. in both cases being vulnerable w eo does more for improving the relationship than punishing the disobedient person. sayeon being honest and emotionally vulnerable after juni fucks them up improves her relationship w ryujin. if samin accepted the hand baby sayeon reaches out (“samin must be hurting” is what she thinks when she realizes sara is never coming back), and thus relinquished some of her control over the situation, their relationship may not have fractured like this. alas…