消失

Is it weird that I come back on here every few months to write a post updating about my life like this is my personal journal? I write these posts mainly for myself to look back on, and I don't think anybody ever reads these posts. I just want to leave behind a little piece of myself, just in case I need to remember where I came from.

Anyways. I've been travelling and working, working and travelling, etc etc for the past year and a half now. Can't say I still enjoy it as much as I did starting out. I loved it! I truly did. Everyday felt like a new adventure. I didn't feel as burnt out as a nurse back home. I loved being able to live independently from my family and being able to explore new places; have new adventures. But I think it's time for something more stable. I miss home. I miss routine. I think I just need a break from spontaneity for a bit. Don't get me wrong; I enjoyed being free-spirited and thrill-seeking, that part of me will never change! But I also can't help but to feel like I want to settle down in one place for a bit.

Now I don't plan on settling down forever here. I want to move away to the mountains, where I belong. I don't think I ever talked about this here, but I've become quite an avid rock climber. It's not just a hobby, it's truly a lifestyle (haha). I would love nothing more than to wake up in a place with the mountains in the far distance, surrounded by nature. But realistically, my plans of relocation will have to take place in the future in a couple of years. It's just not feasible at this time and my heart is telling me that travel nursing isn't what I want at this time.

I've made so many close friends during my time as a traveler. It'll be definitely hard not being able to see them as frequently. But I truly think the bonds we've made are life-long, and our paths will continue to cross in the future. Anyways, I'm currently on my last contract yet; so I'll try and make the best of it! Climbing season may be over, but It's almost snowboarding season! Can't wait to enjoy the slopes one last time before heading home for good.

Just finished three day shifts with the same patient and god I am emotionally wiped. Let's just say you never know what could happen in your life; old or young. It was just a simple problem, but it became much bigger. You just never know.

Being a nurse is hard. It's not just physically demanding, it's is emotionally hard. You have to do your job to make sure that person doesn't die, you have to juggle multiple jobs at the same time... You are their nurse, cleaner, spokesperson, secretary, their emotional support, and sometimes their punching bag for the next 12 hours. It can be so heartbreaking sometimes... When you do your absolute best but it's sometimes never enough. Sometimes, all you can do is be there and support them long enough for their loved ones to say good-bye. Hold their hand, bathe them, brush their matted hair. Try your best to make them look like their old selves. Good-byes are so hard in the hospital. It's like you're saying good-bye to a ghost of the person you knew; the person who wasn't tubed and hooked up to the ventilator and multiple machines and IVs and cords. It's hard to process. It's hard to digest. I can't imagine the immense pain and shock they must be in to see their loved one in that state. I would never wish that upon my worst enemy.

Sometimes, I honestly wish I didn't learn about the life they had before coming to the hospital. It makes the job harder because of how easily it is to become emotionally attached.. It's hard to know what kind of loss the world will have once they're gone. I know you're not supposed to take these feelings home, But sometimes I just can't help it. It sticks to me. I'm so sad for them. I wish I could be more detached. I really do. I can do it most of the time, but when I see and hear their loved ones show me their pictures and share their stories filled with love with me, I just can't help it. And when the doctor tells them that there's nothing else left to be done, all I can see is a loss of that person they know and cherish. It is so sad. But of course, I have a job to do, and no room to dwell on these feelings of grief and mourning. So I do my job, I go home, and I mourn for them alone.