alicia

Am I asking for the moon?

Optimism has faded. now my envy of everyone else’s freedom takes over. right where I predicted I’d be.

This wasn’t my fault. So then why does it feel like I’m being punished?

No car. No walking. Where the hell is my freedom? The freedom I’ve been working on achieving for the past few years. I’ve lost peace and reconciled with the insanity I thought I chased off five years ago. Irrationally and pessimism accompany me once again in the cell that is this room.

I’m just thinking how I spent so much time setting myself up for success and the closer I got, the more careful I made sure I was with my clumsy hands. When I dropped anything, I picked it up myself.

Here, I have dropped nothing. But it’s all been knocked out of my hands. And I can’t even get to all the pieces and fix this myself. Nor will I be the same any time soon.

It’s getting hard to consider myself lucky anymore. What is exactly is the miracle here? Is there one, when the aftermath is insufferable?

Waiting for good news is killing me. Seeing everyone move forward pains me so. Watching the seasons change and everyone enjoy while I rot away indoors is killing me. It’s been a miserable winter, and once the sun finally started to gain confidence in a lengthened appearance, I’m pulled back into another fucking miserable situation.

Bring me good news soon. Im on the ledge.

The Privilege is Mine

It’s the type of situation we all hear others be in and thank the universe it wasn’t us. Until it actually happens to you.

 Everyones grateful I’m alive. But also that it wasn’t them in my place. I know this because as they told me that the driver the semi hit first had not made it, my heart broke for him but mostly I was selfishly grateful I still had my life and that I was the second car, not the first. It turns into this cycle where the car behind me thinks the same and those who take the same route to work thank their God as they see or read the news.

Yes, selfish thoughts however nothing to be ashamed of. These thoughts only exists out of me valuing everything and everyone in my life. I have a lot to lose now. I always did, the difference is that it took me too long to realize all the love in my life around me that I have to live for. I have a beautiful future I’ve been slaving away for. The one I create in my head alongside my soulmate. The one who dropped everything to rush by my side. The one that proved to be at my side at my weakest every time. That is far too much to lose on its own.

Slowly as my family came to see me, after fear vanished and emotions stabilized, I heard them express how this worked in their favor. How they would have never given themselves the time off to not work. How twisted is it that this tragedy has become a break from work for my loved ones?

Up until now I couldn’t decide how to interpret this event. Maybe it was a sign, for various things. I felt at first the universe was trying to prevent me from doing something. But really I think this event is up for my own desired interpretation. It always is but this one was hard to find optimism in.

We often lose ourselves, all the parts of us that birthed passion, that made us dream, all that once brought fulfillment and joy at a certain point. And I choose to diagnose myself as fortunate to have this epiphany. I never stopped dreaming. But I stopped doing so for myself and got carried away giving my time to a job, thinking that would be how I’d build my small, beautiful empire where I could live peacefully and achieve everything I hoped to. I kept forgetting what I truly enjoyed. 

And now once again, I’m where I was 5 years ago, actually disabled (temporarily) and stuck in my room. And now all the hobbies and instruments to create are at my reach once again. I’m a more productive person now. So I’m obligated to use my time in some way. So I must reach for the books i've been meaning to open, for the pencils and blank pages that have been collecting dust. I have no phone to distract me as conveniently. I have been gifted and forced to accept the opportunity to create.

May this be a reminder not to be grateful of your life when you drive by an accident that made you late to work, but to reevaluate your priorities. Consider that the person your young self dreamt of becoming can still exist and everything that used to make you happy can still be yours. None of us chose to be here, but we’re already here. So alongside of the consequences of living, may you give yourself permission to enjoy the beauty that still exists. Drown yourself in your own glory, however you may define it, however you may see it. Don’t let it have to be a semi truck in flames have to be your wake up call. Let it be this post by some random twenty two year old girl with a fucked up ankle instead. It’ll definitely hurt less.

i was kind of hoping falling off a bridge would break me into some kind of new, conventional order. Hoping i’d reconnect some pieces with rationality but i’m still only evolving at the same old rate i was as a couple weeks ago. can that reality of me ever be? dunno. sometimes i envy those who had strategically planned some order and structure into their lives, even if it was with no unique vision. just normalcy. but mostly i don’t really care for self pity anymore and just sincerely admire everything about everything and everyone. i’m really just floating from spot to spot but im getting direction. i think. i dunno.

Allow me to shatter every bone in your body in a tight embrace so that I can say that I held you as intensely and sincerely that I love you.

Maybe I was wrong about what I thought I knew.

All I know is where my heart lies. It’s embedded on the people, places and memories I love dearly. That’s how it works right?

It lies on my skin and spreads onto you when in contact with yours.

I wonder if you can feel it in the form of the smiles my jaw holds against your forehead.

It lies in the silence between us as we communicate with small, delicate, lovingly purposeful touches.

And now all the “things” I assumed I knew don’t really matter to me anymore. None of that can do any harm to me anymore.

In a cold world that becomes more and more extreme on individualism and that is forgetting what makes us so human is our ability to love at such lengths, I am the most content and at peace knowing that i’m in a state for my bleeding love to prevail against the odds and is able to in response to reciprocation from my world of earth peers I’m blessed with.