petals in the wind

And I’ll be okay even if it means I have to do it alone.

I miss the way you treated me when we started talking.

I still have the letter you wrote When you told me that I was the only girl You'd ever want in your life I guess my friends were right -Reckless, Madison Beer

I know I’m not over him. He still slips into my thoughts more times than I want to admit, but every time he does, there’s this bitterness that follows. Maybe that’s how it’s supposed to work, memory tangled with resentment until the feelings burn themselves out. Maybe one day I’ll think of him and feel nothing at all.

I remember when we talked like nothing else mattered, when your words felt like home. Every message made me feel alive, every conversation stretched into the night. Your good mornings used to be the reason I woke up smiling, and your goodnights were the last comfort I held onto before sleep. My heart used to race at the thought of you, and I’d smile like a fool just replaying your words in my head. Now those memories ache. I can’t stop carrying them, even though they don’t belong to us anymore.

From now on, I’m taking each step without hurry. I’m going at my own pace and letting whatever’s meant to happen come my way. Sometimes, I wish those heartwarming things would find me already, but I know there’s still time. Maybe not now, maybe not soon, but eventually. I can’t force anything, and I definitely can’t predict what’s coming. All I can really do is hope for it, maybe even want it badly enough to believe it’s out there somewhere. I'd like to believe it is. I know it sounds silly, thinking something real could last at this age. Maybe that’s just me. Everyone’s going through their own story, and it’s hard to explain mine when our lives play out so differently. So I’ll wait. And maybe, someday, someone will come along who doesn’t just hear me, but understands me.

I meant what I said to you. I wasn’t just playing some kind of game. Everything I said was true, from the first day. Every damn word.

Sometimes I wish I could shut it all down, just stop feeling things for anything, for you, for anyone. Because feelings? They ruin you. The second you let it in, everything goes sideways and then you know you're fucked. Suddenly you’re not thinking straight anymore. That’s the risk, isn’t it? Deciding if love is worth the chaos it brings. Because yes, he will hurt you. That’s almost a given. But if you believe and you think that somehow, you'll make it through together, then perhaps it’s worth the risk. I hope it works out for you. I really do. The way I once hoped it would for me.

The cruelest thing about sleep after something shattering is how it lets you forget but just long enough to remember again when you wake.