I write stuff.

But I wipe away my thoughts, and now I don’t think about it. Because this year was amazing. I made some friends who I hope, and wish will remain for a long time, and I still have consistent friends now who I’ve stayed friends with over 2 years now, despite the bumps. Despite the doubts. Even though I don’t have that one person in my life who I would love to have, I have a bunch of friends I can’t imagine living without, but then again I felt the same every year.

I don’t know why I’ve started saying that really. I thought about it for a while, and my brain gave me an answer I guess. I’ve started thinking I don’t deserve those wishes. I mean I’ll say the entire wish, in detail. But then it’ll hit me that, fuck you, you don’t deserve that. So I just think that to myself, because deep inside even I think, or know, that I don’t deserve them.

You know that feeling when you have no emotions. You’re not happy. You’re not sad. You’re not angry. You don’t seem to have any emotions. And you just sit there, trying to process what state your mind and body are in. From personal experience, it usually happens most after hearing shocking news or something that’s alarming. Most people think that’s being in a state of shock. Well they are quite correct, but not completely. I feel in the moment of the situation, we are so overwhelmed by the information just thrown at us we don’t know what to think. We loose control of our own thought process and just forget every single emotion we’ve ever felt. Because you just feel so shattered in that instant, that you neglect everything you’ve ever thought of, and just stand there with a blank mind. Not in a state of shock, but in a state of heartbreak. Something that can’t really be explained.

The things that cause pain.

I don’t even know why I’m sad. Half the time it’s just, I don’t know, I’m sad. Maybe it’s just when I see your face and my mind’s flooded with all our memories or maybe it’s because it’s just too complicated for me to understand. Maybe it’s because I have these silly expectations, of you to actually change. I don’t know why I’m still stuck up on you, when I know I can do so much better. I still try to improve on something I know will never get better. Something that will always make me feel worse. Something that makes me feel wrong every waking hour of my life. And I still believe, that one day you’ll magically change, and come running to my doorstep, asking for forgiveness. And I know I’ll give it you, because I’m that hung up on you. I don’t know why, but I am.

I don’t understand my thought flow, I never do. I end up thinking to myself for hours often, just staring out of the window. That’s why I think people go insane when alone. Because they get too much time to think. And it leads to insanity. If I was left alone with my thoughts for more then 1 day I would probably think myself to death. That’s the amount of power in our thoughts. We may think they’re just in our heads and nobody can reach them, but they control us and can loose control any moment and divulge our entire being as a whole.

I think I know why people kill themselves. Because no one can hurt you once your dead. It’s the easiest way out. They give up. I know they might have cried about a lot of things like bad grades or traumatic personal issues, and that may seem like the source of the suicide, but mostly it’s because of themselves. When you get bad grades, even with all the pressure from parents, you blame yourself for everything. It all comes down to self-hate. In the end you blame yourself for everything. For being incompetent, for being useless, for being unworthy of anything at all. And that’s when you give up. You give up, thinking, why should the world have to bear me. Why should my family have to bear me? WhyI should have to bear me. And what the point of sitting here and bearing the pain would do. Nobody can hurt me if I’m dead right?

I see the little green icon near your name. Indicating how you’re online. But I never get a notification or even a message from you now days. Sometimes for hours I’ve just stared at my contacts list, waiting for you to message me. But you don’t anymore. I’m not as important as I used to be right? You moved on. You got new friends; you don’t need your dumb old friends. It’s funny how just a month back you repeated the words, “ I can’t live without you.” And now it doesn’t seem that hard anymore. You ask for other’s contact numbers, but never stop and ask me for anything, or to talk about anything. I’ve become just a, nothing to you. You don’t talk to me anymore, and I don’t think you want to. Right? It’s amazing how you were so fascinated by me but got bored so easily.

Goodbyes are so weird. And I’m not talking about going away forever type of goodbyes. I’m talking about general, everyday goodbyes. I don’t know, but they’re always what I least expect them to be. They turn out to be awkward and incomplete. And then after leaving I overthink over the fact how I said goodbye so poorly and how I didn’t say bye to whatshername and god knows what else. But it still leaves me feeling weird. I feel goodbyes should be the best part of spending time with someone. I know most people feel the opposite but I think goodbyes are a crucial part in spending time with somebody. It’s the point where you won’t spend anymore time with the person and want to let them know whether you enjoyed the time with them or not. And showing that in your goodbye gesture is critical. That’s why I feel so weird. After spending an entire day with maybe a few of my closest friends, I still depart with a simple wave and smile. I mean isn’t that a slightly ridiculous? It leaves me thinking for hours. Why I couldn’t just maybe hug them and just tell them I loved hanging out with them. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.

It’s fucking stupid, what I have with you. I believed at one point that what we had could evolve, into something better, something more real. I don’t know what we have. But it’s definitely not what I want. But you know, that’s why I think I like having this with you. I don’t have to worry about emotions, about drama, about complications. It’s just simple, nice and cute. But nothing more. And sometimes I miss that. When I’m sad, you don’t give a fuck and don’t even ask what’s the matter, I don’t know. Being who you are to me it would be nice for you to be concerned. And there are points, where I feel unbounded with you, but sometimes it seems like you don’t even give a fuck. And I don’t like having this tint of doubt in our relationship. Even though I feel what we have is stupid, fake whatever. I feel insecure when your with others. I feel weird. I don’t know if it jealousy or what, but mainly I don’t want it to be jealousy. Because that would mean that I’m developing feelings for you, and that would fuck me up. Because I know, that you don’t care that much about me or about what we have. And that would lead in disappointment; shame, insecurity and the list would never end. So I don’t know, if I still want what I have with you. But lately I’ve been through so much shit, and my past with people like you haven’t the best per se. I guess even though you’re not there all the time, it’s nice to have someone there for you sometime or the other. To know that there will be someone who will be with you in your time of need. But I’m not even sure if you’ll be there for that.

  Fuck.