things I wanted to say but never did

I said whatever I felt, been wherever you are

don’t be angry at me, love

I’m not sorry for your loss

the birds will still sing, your folks will still fight

the porch’s still creek, the leaves will still die

don’t be angry at me, love

please stop waiting for me, love

You know I can’t be here forever

Please don’t wait for me forever

no, I will not want you back. I don’t want all the hurt and hate and nights that feel like drowning. I don’t want all the words that stabbed me right through the heart. I don’t need you to survive so I will figure out how to be without you. All on my own. I can’t take all this pain for any longer.

so

yes, I will miss you

if you chose me instead, for who I am, not because I’m ‘family’

if you chose me and not the carefully crafted version of me.

I will forever miss you when I hear that song

I will miss you when I dance alone in the kitchen

I will listen to music and just sing along

in an attempt to feel you again.

and if there is a chance to get the happy sides back

to relive those moments in a future far away

so i’m willing to take them, keep them, hold them close

and to pretend that we never had to lose.

but until that time comes, until we reach that day

I will take my time apart from you to heal myself

from all the harsh words I know that you will say

and yes i will miss you.

i will miss the moments of joy, the inside jokes, the laughter.

i will miss quoting movies with you, singing songs in the car together, dancing in the kitchen.

i will miss hugging you and listening to you talking about your youth, i will miss it.

i will miss it all.

and still i wont want you back.

because even though we had so many happy moments, we had the sad, the dark, the deep

the hurting moments too.

and they cut deep, deeper than you know, deeper than you’d think

and it breaks me and rips me in half, knowing i’ll miss you

but still knowing it’s better this way.

because healing takes time.

When I drink from the mug you got me you’re there

When I see the empty space next to me you’re there

When I pass by the store you love so much you’re there

i still watch the same movies I used to watch with you

i tell everyone I’ve moved on while reading our old chats

cause how can i move on while you’re still everywhere

i still sit in the same room i used to sit in with you

i still talk the same way i used to talk with you