World in my eyes and my skin

Merry Christmas to everyone,

I am writing with the excuse of saying that this Christmas was really special for me. No celebrations, no family dinner, not even time with my boyfriend.

Alright, alright! I know it sounds pathetic, BUT... Oh, well as I have said in some post of mine, this year is my Master's degree year (literally), an MA that I was waiting for several years (having to save money you see). So, these holidays have been nothing more but studying, writing, editing, and that nerdy stuff.

But I am happier than any other Christmas I remember in my adult life. Probably chasing your dreams (sounds cheezy, I know) sometimes is just enough in order to keep your spirit high. And trust me, I have been at real lows the last four years.

These days, like a proper hermit, I do not go out, I do not eat but only once a day because I just forget it. I just do what I love, and I cannot help but celebrate that I am doing what I was waiting for many years.

I am really excited for today! I was waiting for this concert for almost half a year and I cannot wait to see one of my favorite band, sadly for the last time.

What is weird for me, at least not so usual, is that I became a HIM fan not when I was ‘supposed’ to. They hit me later on, in my 20s, sophomore at the uni in summer holidays, in 2012 if I want to be precise. For sure, at that time HIM were not at their peak of their popularity and it felt being ‘out of the fashion’ to say I have a crush on them.

But HIM for me was something more than a band. I have been struck by their aesthetics, feeling that in some way, somehow there is a magical thing that only music can do, that I had a connection and I was being expressed. A feeling that I hadn’t felt for several years, for entering my adult life that romantic, desperate, melancholic voice of mine had been closed in a closet in a place so deep, that I had to dig for a thousand of years to access it again. At least this how I was thinking in those days until Mr.Valo made something that nobody around me, not even me could do that.

I cannot decide which of their songs is my favorite one, I do have though a favorite album and it is the ‘Venus Doom’. My most true and emotional moments though were triggered and accompanied by the ‘Cyanicide Sun’, ‘Love’s Requiem’, and ‘For You’. 

Thank you HIM for all these amazing 5 years that I spent with you. Your presence is really important for who I feel I am.

Hey there, 

remembering the first (and only one) post on this blog? I guess not, but anyways I had the intention to create this blog in order to write many of things that bother me and I am thinking in my everyday life. But I didn’t. Obviously, because I forgot that I actually created this blog and secondly I am an MA student so you might imagine what I have been through this semester.

No matter what, I am thinking to write about the past year and my experience through many transitions that I had to undergo. To begin with, I have to let you know that I am an OCD sufferer if it is something that I can say that I am or that I have. I have been diagnosed with OCD since 2014 but living with intrusive thoughts since 2010 (LET’S CELEBRATE MY LONGEST RELATIONSHIP I’VE EVER HAD).

OCD as a mental illness was never glamorous or funny as media many times make it look like. It is something really strange and torturing as an experience and many times it can define your decisions and blur the lines between who you really are and what you are BECOMING with and because of this disease. But after many years I feel the last 3 months more than myself, I feel me more than I have felt me since it started. Having therapy was always something that I was trying to do, and reaching out for help was one of the first aims when down with the sickness. But these 3 months were life-changing for me because of me. 

As I told you before I started uni once again after some years, and I made a change in my education path from Media Studies to Psychosocial Studies. In most of the modules of this semester, I came across many reading that there were not only to educate me but in many ways, there were there to educate myself and to rethink everything that was grounded for me since now. I am really happy for the fall term and I am super excited about what is coming next.

I am now studying for my upcoming essays so Affect Theory ( read Massumi, Tomkins, William Connolly) and Dissociative Identity Disorder is my main concern and I can tell that I feel ‘happy’ not with the mainstream idea of happiness, I am not jumping around in a paroxysm of beauty. I just I am myself with not so many intrusive thoughts and shit.

Merry Christmas everyone,

In case you responded to that interpellation, lucky you I am not practicing any kind of authority. In other words, I am not an Althusserian policeman neither intent to write in this specific post about any theory of subjectivity.

My intention is to introduce you to my first attempt to write what I actually think. This could be a not that interesting way of spending your time, for you, the reader. It could be beneficial for me though. So there I am.

Hopefully, this place will be an interactive space if someone, sometime read my posts. Either way, it would be wonderful if you share your ideas with me, contact me, disagree, agree and do whatever you feel to show your existence.

Topics that I will probably write about are connected to psychology, mental illnesses, psychiatry, and social psychiatry, psychosocial perspectives, selfhood in the 21st century, identity, sexuality, feminism etc. 

I need to make clear, that everything discussed here will not have the form of an official, academic argument, but it will just be my own opinion and experience. For that reason, great chances are I will not use any sources if it is not needed or simply I am really bored to do so. If you feel at any point that I am talking about things that I do not know, feel free to let me know. You might be right.

This blog might be a therapeutic medium for me, might be a tool for practicing my writing skills, might be nothing at all. I just hope to be something.

See you around,