Just A Random Ghoul

Transcript.

Thank you for being here, for reading this—my writing as a whole—and for making me feel like a somebody ;)

I need the sound of rain Wearing dependence down The line must be kept so thin To live near life Not within

January 4th, 6143 AP

Delta wakes up with a gasp.

Feeling nauseous and dizzy, he digs his claws into whatever is below him to ground himself. It catches his attention; it feels weird, it feels like…sand? Where did sand come from?

He opens his eyes, and it takes a moment for them to get adjusted, but then—

Out of both his eyes, he sees a beach by a lake surrounded with trees. It’s sundown, casting a gorgeous golden-orange glow on the water; across it, there is a cave that he used to call his home for over four centuries.

He understands, then.

“No. Oh, no, no, no, FUCK!” he yells, starting to hyperventilate. Why did he have to die now, why not one more bloody day!? Rain’s going to—

As he looks around in a frenzy, he catches a glimpse of a bright, almost glowing, yet black-winged figure on the other side of the lake. He blinks confusedly, but then he also notices his hands—his fingers are webbed, his claws sharp, and his fins flaring where they’re running down his outer forearms.

He’s the way he used to and—the lake. He can feel it.

He’s got his water back.

Tears well up in his eyes and, despite regaining the proper function of both his legs, Delta crawls toward the water, desperately needing to submerge himself and feel it the way he used to. There’s nothing more he wants in this moment.

He’s himself again; just like that, he was given back most of what he’s been missing and—

“Delta?”

It’s not possible.

The Pit is more extensive than Earth, millions and millions of miles of both civilisation and barren lands. It’s incredibly rare for two ghouls that have known each other Topside to be reunited in the Pit, so—it can’t be. It just can not.

And yet.

“Alpha.”

It’s a miracle.

The fire ghoul starts running toward him, having Delta fully convinced this isn’t real. He scrambles up from the ground, tripping over his own legs, and instead of diving into the lake, he throws himself right at Alpha, falling into his arms with so much force they both end up back in the sand. Their lips crash, fangs clanking against each other, as they share a kiss to make up for all those they couldn’t since they were separated.

It is real.

The tears streaming down both their cheeks mix as they breathe each other in. Neither is loosening their arms, the hold they have on the other—never again will they let go. For both of them, it feels like a dream that can come to an abrupt end at any moment, and yet it doesn’t; it lasts, the time flows and they remain in each other’s embrace.

After a long while, when they feel secure enough in this truth, they part, but only for breath.

“How—how did you find me?” Delta asks panting, as he stares without blinking into the amber eyes he has missed to the point of agony.

“I didn’t,” Alpha replies with a smile, looking just as deeply into his mate’s cobalt blue ones, “you just got here, showed up out of nowhere.”

“I died,” the water ghoul says, and a choked-off sob rips its way out of him as the reality fully sinks in. “Not after that ritual, now. Alpha, I just died…”

“It’s okay, you’re okay,” he whispers into Delta’s ear as he bursts into tears again. “I’ve got you now, love.”

He knows that, and he truly couldn’t be happier about it, but the joy inevitably crashes with the despair of having just died. After all these years of pain and longing and uncertainty of what awaits him, the end finally came, but it turns out not to be the end. It’s another beginning—so much more than Delta dared hope for even in the deepest parts of his mind.

It’s too many emotions and the water ghoul simply can’t get a hold of them; or himself.

Thankfully, Alpha, though not faring that much better, is there this time—again. No more cold, lonely nights. No more crying himself to sleep with no one to wipe the tears away. No more writhing in pain and relying on hallucinations for comfort.

No more sorrow.

“Don’t cry, little fishy. C’mon, baby, this is amazing. Please don’t cry.”

But Delta doesn’t—can’t—stop sobbing while clinging with all his might to Alpha, who’s trying to calm him down. Not having a better idea, the fire ghoul talks as he holds the other. “Hey, fishy, listen to me. You told me about this place, baby, remember? When I got sent back, I went to look for it—for you—hoping you’d have stayed here. I didn’t think I’d ever find it; it took me a while. You weren’t here, but I stayed anyway, hoping I’d get to see you again sometime. And here you are, love. Here you are, and now he can finally make this place our home, have the life we’ve always wanted. Together.”

“I love you,” Delta finally cries out. It’s the only thing he can utter through his tears.

Alpha laughs through his; in disbelief and happiness beyond measure, “I love you, too, baby.”

He tightens his arms around the water ghoul, who nuzzles impossibly closer to the warmth he’s missed so, so much.

He’s safe now.

Lucifer has called Delta back home, making up for the time He failed to protect him. For the hardships he was forced to endure, he has been rewarded.

Per aspera ad inferi.

Let the tides carry you back to me The past, the future Through death My arms are open

January 5th, 2020

Rain has only ever seen Sister Imperator in passing—surrounded by a small pack of ghouls all the size of Mountain. The rumors he’s heard about the woman in charge of the Clergy were unpleasant at best, while the facts make his insider turn with rage.

And yet he feels neither fear nor anger when he steps into her office.

Properly dressed in his uniform and chrome mask, he stands tall, hands folded behind his back, not paying attention to Sister’s bodyguards. He is surprisingly respectful when he speaks, “I would like to request a funeral for a ghoul.”

“Is that so? Which one died?” Sister Imperator asks, raising an eyebrow—just ‘which one?’; not even ‘who?’ or ‘how?’.

“You wouldn’t know him, Sister.”

“Why wouldn’t I? I have files on all of you, Rain.”

“Of course, I apologize.” He grits his teeth—he wants something from her and, no matter how much it hurts his pride, he’s going to get it. It’s the least he can do for Delta. “The ghoul in question spent the last three years hiding in the catacombs and passed yesterday. He used to play bass in the band.”

The shock on Sister Imperator’s face is visible only for a split second, but Rain still takes notice of it. The woman furrows her brows, then relaxes back into a neutral expression and straightens up in her chair.

Had Rain not had so much hatred for her inside him, he would have wondered if she’s really as cold as she seems, or if she’s only a woman trying to survive at the top.

“I must admit, I had no idea Delta survived the experiment,” the water ghoul clenches his fists at how that name falls from her lips so casually, as if it’s not her that broke him the way she did. The one that killed him, “let alone that he lived in secret for so long.”

She pauses, then, to stare at Rain, into his eyes. He doesn’t move an inch and holds her gaze, but with no challenge in it. She must know he doesn’t actually respect her—that he only cares about getting what he came here for—but for some reason, she doesn’t mind it.

“Very well.” Imperator looks away after a few moments. “I admire your bravery and honesty, so I will grant your wish. Write down what you want, and I will see it done.”

Rain takes a step forward to take the piece of paper on a clipboard and a pen the woman is offering, once again ignoring her personal ghouls, who also come closer.

If he wanted to, he could slash through her throat with his claws in a split second; the bodyguards couldn’t stop him from doing that. Would they kill him in the next second? Yes, of course, but at least Sister Imperator would be dead, too. Alas, that would also violate his promise to Delta.

“Thank you, Sister,” Rain says instead, pulling back again.

He uncaps the pen and starts writing—he doesn’t have to think about it much, because there’s not much he wants: a casket, a place to bury it, a fresh uniform. A headstone he will procure on his own.

When he’s done, the water ghoul passes the clipboard back to the woman and watches her assess it. “Simple enough. I will get everything delivered to your wing by the end of the day, including a map with a marked spot for him.”

Rain nods, mumbles one more forced ‘thank you’ under his breath, and turns to the door. He’s already crossing the threshold when Imperator calls his name again, “Rain?”

“Yes, Sister?” He looks over his shoulder, praying silently for both his and the entire Abbey’s sake that she does not add insult to the injury.

She’s holding something out in her hand. The water ghoul walks back over to her and plucks it from her palm; a simple silver ring.

“I’m sorry for your loss,” she says. Rain isn’t sure if it is or is not an insult, but he narrows his eyes and looks into her own and sees…regret. If he were not all but mad with grief, maybe he would consider that she is not, in fact, an evil old bitch.

And then he realizes the ring is the one Delta used to wear on his left horn, the one that he lost after the experiment.

“So am I,” the water ghoul sighs before shoving the ring into his pocket, turning around, and shutting the door behind him.

Divinity says, “Destiny can’t be earned or returned” I feel when I question, my skin starts to burn Why does my skin start to burn?

January 6th, 2020

Rain is terrified to look at Delta’s lifeless body, let alone touch it—touch him—and feel nothing but freezing cold.

How is he supposed to take care of the ghoul for the last time and not have him smile at Rain crookedly? How is he supposed to…do anything with him just being gone?

How can he just be gone?

Rain knew it would happen. He tried to prepare himself, but when it finally did happen, the pit of anguish he got thrown into is swallowing him up, and it feels as if he has no chance of ever climbing out of it.

It’s unimaginable, really.

But Rain has to go to Delta and get him ready for his own funeral because nobody else would—because there is nobody else.

Delta deserved so much better.

When Rain found him two days ago, he stayed with him for so long that his pack began worrying. Then it was Swiss who came to check the practice room and saw Rain there, sitting by Delta’s body and clutching his hand.

He alerted the rest, and Mountain and Aether came to get them. It was hard getting Rain to just let go of Delta, but once his fingers were pried open, Swiss took him back to the Den, while the other two carried the body to the morgue.

Now, with a clean uniform folded in his hands, a small silver ring placed atop it, and a guitar case slung across his back, Rain is standing by that metal door. He does not know how long he lingers there, but his knees are aching by the time he brings himself to open the door.

He tried to empty his mind, empty himself of all feelings just so that he could survive this, and he thought he did well enough, but as he steps into the cold room and sees Delta laid out there, on a table in the center…something inside Rain irrevocably breaks.

But there are no tears running down his face as he shuts the door behind himself and approaches the table. At least for now, Rain is but a void, indeed.

He tries not to look at Delta’s face as he gets to work.

Lacking a better idea, Rain cuts the old cassock to take it off. He wouldn’t keep it anyway—would’ve burned it, most likely. The scissors rip through the fabric with ease until the midsection, where they snag on something. Something in the pocket, the ghoul realizes.

Rain looks at the wall across from him when he reaches into that pocket and pulls out a…napkin? No, a folded piece of paper with—with Rain’s name on it, written in pretty handwriting and underlined with a swirl.

A letter.

His hand shakes as he shoves the letter into his own pocket and picks the scissors back up. When the old cassock is nothing more than shreds of bleak fabric, Rain lays the new uniform out in the open casket that’s waiting by the wall.

Clenching his jaw so hard his entire skull feels as if it’s about to explode, the water ghoul picks Delta’s body up and carries it—him over to the casket and lays him in it.

Working the buttons with how little control he has over his trembling hands is a challenge, and with every one he does manage to fasten, his resolve breaks that much more—and so does the wall that’s keeping the cyclone of thoughts at bay.

Rain can’t shake the fact that Delta died alone.

He died alone.

After all this time he’s been alone and forgotten by the world, he got Rain, and then when it mattered the most he died alone. It would’ve broken Rain impossibly more if he were to hold Delta as life faded from his eyes, but he still wanted to be there for him.

It was the least he could have done; Delta deserved so much better. And yet.

Rain can’t imagine how he must’ve felt during those ultimate moments when he realized that—that it was the end.

And in that end he was alone.

Rain tries to console himself with the thought that at the very least the last conversation they had and the last word they spoke to each other were…well, as good as last words can be, he supposes.

Although…

‘I’ll see you later’, Rain had said. He promised, and then he was late. Maybe if he weren’t, maybe those fourteen minutes would have been enough for Delta not to have to die alone; maybe it would have been enough for a goodbye.

The empty space that Rain was just moments ago, that was slowly filled up with grief again, now turns into pure rage. With his breathing picking up until he’s dizzy, he grabs the first thing by his side and hurls it across the room. The glass bottle of unknown contents shatters into a million pieces—just the way Rain’s own heart did.

He storms away from the casket and paces around the table in the center of the room. The pain is nothing like he’s ever felt; it’s ripping through him and taking over every cell of his body. He can barely breathe, barely think, and if that’s…

It’s still probably nothing compared to Delta’s flare-ups.

Rain catches a glimpse of silver on the white sheet covering the table. The ring.

Delta never mentioned whether it meant something in particular, but Rain has spent hours staring at that old picture of him, Alpha, and Omega. Alpha wore a matching one, though in gold, so even if it was just jewelry, Delta deserves to have gotten it back.

Rain picks it up and returns to Delta’s side. He used to wear it on the horn that he’s lost, so the water ghoul slides it down the other one.

It fits perfectly, and once again it makes Rain wonder whether Delta was ever truly his. Doubtfully—he was just a fling while Alpha was Delta’s mate. Delta always has been and always will belong with Alpha.

Rain clears his throat and moves on to another thing he intends to bury Delta with. The bass he used to play on stage before Mist and Dewdrop—a black and white Fender American Performer Precision. Rain’s way to help Delta give one last middle finger to the Clergy.

He lays its body over Delta’s legs and its head on his middle, to then fold the ghoul’s hands over it; as if he were a warrior and the instrument were his sword. In a way, it was.

Then, the water ghoul gives him one last thing: the original polaroid picture plucked off of the Den’s common room’s wall. A picture of a time when Delta was truly alive and happy.

And then he’s ready.

Rain’s eyes finally water when he places his hands on the top of the casket, about to close it. This is the last time he will ever get to look at Delta.

So, no matter how painful it is, Rain lifts his gaze and lands it on Delta’s face.

Despite everything, despite being dead, he looks relaxed. His expression is a tranquil one, there’s no crease between his brows, no frown curling his lips.

He’s been in pain for so long, maybe now…at least that’s ended. He looks more peaceful in death than Rain has ever seen him in life, even when he was asleep in his arms.

At least he is in pain no more.

Rain shuts the casket with his eyes closed; he can’t watch the darkness swallow Delta like this. The sound the hard wood makes reverberates through the water ghoul’s bones and makes him shiver. He turns and only opens his eyes with his back to the casket.

And then he walks away.

On legs that feel like they’re made of lead, Rain returns to the Den. He wants to go straight to his room and sleep forever in the hopes that the realm of dreams would be gentler to him. Alas, he doubts it would, and he has to…update his pack. So he goes to the common room instead and finds most of them present.

They try to act normal when they notice him approaching, but it’s clear his pain makes all of them ache, too.

“I, uh…I would like to bury him at twelve tomorrow, if you—” Rain starts from the doorway, but his voice cracks and his words fade into silence. Still, the others nod.

“We’ll be there,” Dewdrop says, and that’s all that Rain needs to know.

After two years, he finally told his pack about Delta’s existence, their relationship and his demise. Not only did he want to, in order to find comfort in them, but also because it was impossible to keep him a secret considering what happened. He explained just the basics for now, if only because thinking, let alone talking, about Delta feels like someone is cracking Rain’s chest open and ripping his heart out with their claws.

But now his pack knows why he’s been acting so secretive basically since he was summoned and why now he’s so…such a mess. They don’t need to know the details to support him—attempt to hold him in one piece with all the strength they possess.

Truth be told, Rain doesn’t know what he would do without them at this time. He cannot express his gratitude properly right now, but he’ll be sure to do so when he’s…somewhat back to normal. If that’s even going to happen.

Rain replies with a nod of his own and turns to leave, but Cumulus calls after him.

“You should eat something,” she encourages gently, but the water ghoul only shakes his head. He really doesn’t remember when he last ate; it’s been days, but he doesn’t feel hunger. Not for food, anyway.

They neither argue with nor stop him as he walks away and into his room.

There, Rain cries himself to sleep for the third night.

Cold sheets Oh, where’s my love? I am searching high I’m searching low in the night

January 7th, 2020

Early in the morning, having barely slept anyway, Rain goes outside with the map from Sister Imperator and a shovel. The ground is frozen and covered with snow, so digging a hole will be arduous—if not impossible.

But he needs it. He needs to be the one to do it, and he doesn’t care if it’s hard; Delta’s life was harder.

In a state of terrifying emptiness, Rain finds the spot and without further ado starts his work. With the sharp tip of the shovel, he first marks out a rectangle. He hopes it will be big enough.

But just dragging the tool over the ground and cutting through the snow is enough to make Rain realize the ground is all but a block of ice. His ghoulish strength will break the shovel long before it moves an inch. His best chance is to channel the control he has over water, and attempt to turn the ice into liquid.

He kneels in the snow, buries his bare hands into it—ignoring its sharp bite—and closes his eyes, trying to focus. He tries really hard, but no matter what he brings up in his mind to access his power, the only thing there for him is Delta.

Rain can’t do it.

With a half-growl, half-scream, he stands up and grabs the shovel again. Now blinded with rage at the entire world, he brings the tool down against the ground again and again and again, managing absolutely nothing of consequence.

In his frenzy, he doesn’t notice an earth ghoul approaching him. Mountain went out early to check on his greenhouses but got pulled away from them when, a few minutes later, he saw Rain walking outside, too. Worried, he couldn’t simply ignore that, so he’s been watching him, but now that the water ghoul seems to have finally lost it, Mountain feels he must intervene.

“Rain,” he begins, but the ghoul in question doesn’t react in the slightest. Mountain steps in closer and puts his hand on Rain’s shoulder—it makes him stop dead in his tracks.

Silently, he turns around to look Mountain up and down before shrugging his hand off and restarting his abuse of the shovel.

“Rain, I don’t think that’s going to work,” the earth ghoul tries again. He has no way of knowing what Rain is feeling right now; his best guess must be enough. “I know you need this, but please, can I help? Trust me, I can help.”

Somehow, it makes Rain snap out of it a bit. He breathes in the sharp winter air and slowly considers the offer, forcing himself to think logically for a moment. At this pace, Delta will never be buried, and even though Mountain is right—the water ghoul needs to do it himself—he wants to give Delta a proper burial, and this…this is not it.

Finally, Rain nods.

Mountain steps closer to him and carefully takes the bent shovel from Rain’s hand, intertwining their fingers instead. His free hand, the earth ghoul extends toward the marked area. Rain can only assume what he’s doing until the ground rumbles and all the dirt inside the rectangle made by the water ghoul loosens up.

“Now we can dig,” Mountain says and gives Rain his shovel back. He waits a moment to assess the water ghoul’s face at his use of ‘we’ and the fact that Mountain brought a shovel for himself. He seems not to mind now, so the two of them get to work with the ground easy to break up.

Neither of them says a word, though Mountain watches Rain carefully. They dig for a long time, and over that time his face is a slideshow of all the emotions in existence—it breaks Mountain’s heart to see and have no power to help.

He’s so afraid that this is breaking Rain even more than it’s visible; that the damage will not be reversible.

Finally, with the grave dug, Rain and Mountain make their way back to the Abbey. The latter insists they take some time to rest, but the water ghoul refuses and goes straight to the morgue to get Delta. Clearly having no chance of convincing Rain to do anything, Mountain ends up following.

It’s all a blur for Rain as he and the earth ghoul take Delta’s casket out of the morgue, then the Abbey, and carry it to a nearby gazebo. It’s empty for the winter, save for a table in the middle that Mountain brought in earlier. This is where Delta’s going to wait.

“Are you going to–” Mountain starts, but Rain doesn’t even let him finish the question. It doesn’t matter.

“I’m staying with him,” he mumbles, standing over the casket. “You can get the others and come back; it’s nearly time, anyway.”

With every word spoken, the water ghoul falls apart more and more. It’s nearly time, anyway—it’s nearly time to put Delta into the ground and say goodbye to him forever. He’s been dead for days, but this is what truly makes Rain see the finality of it.

He’s terrified of what it means for him. All of it.

If he could, he’d never bury Delta, just so he wouldn’t have to really say that last goodbye. But he’s not that mentally unstable—not yet, at least—so he set this pathetic excuse for a funeral up.

The ceremony he planned cannot even be called a ceremony. No special words will be spoken, no rites will be performed—as they should be. Just Rain and a few people; most of whom will be his pack, to support him.

There’s nobody beside him who is going to be there for Delta. Not really.

Rain invited Omega, despite having been told about what Delta perceived as Omega’s betrayal and the falling out it caused between them, and despite agreeing that the quintessence ghoul was in the wrong—even with how objective Delta’s storytelling was. Not for him, because as far as Rain is concerned, Omega doesn’t deserve to be associated with Delta—or Alpha—anymore.

He invited him because somebody needs to carry Delta’s casket, and Rain wanted it to be ghouls that Delta at least met, and out of those still Topside that’s an entirety of three: him, Omega, and Mountain. Four would be a better number for the task, but alas.

A truly sad attempt that makes Rain hate himself impossibly more. He can’t give Delta even that.

He’s shivering by the time his pack joins him in the gazebo, and he’s tired—he’s so tired that he doesn’t refuse Swiss’ offer to warm him up a little with what sliver of control over fire he has.

Moments later, Rain hears footsteps crunching in the snow and knows it’s Omega. Who else? He turns around, but there’s a shorter man walking by the quintessence ghoul’s side, holding his hand, and he’s human and—

It takes a moment for the dots in Rain’s brain to connect. He forgot that man even existed, yet alone that he was still alive and living at the Abbey; he’s never even seen him in person.

His very much unexpected appearance fills Rain with mixed emotions; Delta will have his four, but as for the water ghoul…rage grows within him yet again, and he’s all but burning with it by the time the pair makes their way over to the gazebo.

“You must be Rain,” Papa Emeritus the Third greets him.

“You,” the water ghoul growls from deep within him—feral, in a way he hasn’t done since he left the Pit—and shoves a finger at Terzo’s chest, making him stumble back a step into Omega. He’s furious. “You let them mutilate him, and you didn’t even care what happened to him later!”

“Rain,” Mountain suddenly appears right behind him and gently places a hand on his arm, cautioning him—and readying himself to hold him back if need be. The rest of the pack don’t dare to move a muscle with them on one side, and a Papa with a quintessence ghoul much older, much stronger, and much more powerful than all of them on the other.

Aether, Dewdrop, and Mountain in particular are on the very edge, unable to simply put away the memories of their time with Terzo. They’d hate it, but if it came to a clash of claws and fangs, none of them would hesitate to defend Rain.

Mountain’s warning only spurs Rain on more, though, and he turns to him sharply. “And you? You knew he was still around and you knew everything that happened and you didn’t tell me? Even after I told you all about Delta?”

“I told you years ago, none of it was mine to tell–” the earth ghoul tries explaining, but gets cut off.

“Oh, shut it already with your nobility,” Rain scoffs, shrugging his hand off.

“Please, let me speak,” Terzo chimes in; brave.

“Fine. Fine, speak. I’m listening.” The water ghoul stands back with his arms crossed over his chest and his brow raised. “I’m curious how you want to excuse allowing him to be mutilated and then abandoning him. Did you not wonder where his fucking body went after he supposedly died in twenty-sixteen?”

“I did wonder, and I was lied to about the whole thing,” the man starts. “At first by the higher Clergy, and when I found out what they were going to do, just hours before it went down, they injected me with something that knocked me unconscious and locked me up so I wouldn’t interrupt when I woke up. Later, I was lied to by Omega.”

Rain laughs loudly—it’s tense and Mountain, still standing right behind him, knows that it’s a warning right before the water ghoul breaks down, “Well, that’s just great, thanks for reminding me why I didn’t want him here!”

“Delta made me promise,” Omega argues, though with no confidence. His eyes remain glued to the ground at his feet. “He cared deeply for Papa, and he didn’t want him to see him like…the way he came out. I broke that promise only when you told me he was dead.”

“I don’t blame Omega,” Terzo carries on, addressing Rain again, “I was angry, still am, but I understand his promise and Delta’s wishes. I have been angry and sad, and everything in between, for years about what happened, and I just…it should never have happened, and yes, I do blame myself. I always will.”

“Fine. You’re excused,” Rain glares at Terzo, then briefly looks over and points at Omega. “You’re not, but I’m willing to ignore it for today.”

“I like your spirit, Rain,” Papa sighs, and the corners of his lips lift slightly in a tiny smile. “It’s clear you loved him fiercely.”

“Love,” Rain corrects him sharply; his voice breaking as the anger fades away and gives way to sadness again. “I still love him. It doesn’t just vanish.”

The other nods in acknowledgement, and silence falls as the tension lessens. Now, everyone’s eyes are on Rain, watching as tears pool in his eyes and his breathing picks up. Nobody knows what to do.

Finally, he looks up from Delta’s casket and at Omega. “Why didn’t you–was there no way to…to save him?”

“No,” he sighs. “I’m sorry.”

“Nothing you could’ve done with quintessence? No human medicine? Truly nothing?” Rain begs quietly, sounding so frail. He doesn’t know why; there’s no correct answer to these questions, nothing that will make any of this any better.

“He became completely immune to quintessence,” Omega explains. “I tried in many different ways. I tried to mend him, to restore what’s been destroyed, or at least to help the wounds heal and ease the pain. Nothing worked. The same goes for human medicine. I’m really sorry.”

Rain nods, his eyes wide with grief and bloodshot. He clears his throat, as if choking the tears down and pretending they were never there would make all the rest disappear, too.

It does not, and then the Abbey’s bell tolls for noon.

“You should, uh–” the water ghoul mumbles to Terzo and Omega, “take a moment if you want.”

The pack, including Mountain—because while he knew Delta, yes, it was only briefly, so he doesn’t feel like it’s his place to say goodbye like this—walk away to give the rest some space.

Omega goes first, and another deep growl escapes Rain when the quintessence ghoul puts a hand over the glossy wood behind which Delta lays.

“I’m sorry,” he mutters. “You were always right, I should’ve fought. I failed you both. I hope you’re together again.”

Rain sincerely hopes what Omega’s saying is true, and that the guilt will haunt him for the rest of his immortal life—a life which was stolen from Delta. That, and the water ghoul shares the hope, however foolish, that Delta and Alpha are together in Hell now.

Terzo is next to stand over the casket. “I am so sorry, tesoro. If I had only known.”

Rain fights the urge to laugh at that—Papa had no actual power over the Clergy and his story only proved that. There was nothing he could have ever done to protect Delta, not really, so his proclamation is but a pointless attempt at making himself feel better.

But then Terzo and Omega walk away, too, and Rain is once again left alone with the casket—with Delta—in the gazebo.

It does not feel real, but it is, and all he can do is accept it, no matter how impossible it feels right now. A single tear falls from Rain’s cheek and splatters over the lacquered wood as he allows himself this last moment before he goes to bury the man he grew to love.

“I love you,” he whispers, leaning down so that his lips touch the casket. He finds himself empty again.

Rain straightens with a tap of his fingers on the wood and then—

He freezes. The quick, random succession he just absentmindedly tapped reminds the water ghoul of the one Delta always used to fidget with. It was always only this one rhythm; it went like…

Tap. Tap-tap-tap-tap. Tap-tap-tap.

Rain repeats it a few times, his head spinning more and more with each one.

I. L-o-v-e. Y-o-u.

All this time he never heard Delta say it back, or at all. He doubted himself so much, he thought—

Delta has been saying it all along.

Rain’s knees buckle under him, and he folds over the casket as he breaks out into sobs. A moment later he’s crying so hard he’s hyperventilating, choking on tears clogging up his throat and not knowing what’s going on in the world around him anymore.

Dewdrop and Swiss come up to him and grab his arms to hold him up and gently pull him away from the casket. The two of them have a silent conversation over Rain and end up agreeing to wave Aether over. He was unwilling to use his quintessence to calm the water ghoul earlier, especially without his consent, but now he sees there’s no other way for him to…to survive this.

So Aether places a hand on Rain’s back and trickles some of his power into him. Just a bit—not to take away any of his pain, but to lessen its devastating effects. He steps back, letting Swiss and Dewdrop keep holding him, until the quintessence takes root and Rain can breathe again.

Soon, he does, and if he realizes he’s been somewhat drugged with magic, he doesn’t show it. Without a word, the water ghoul straightens up to grab the casket. Mountain, Omega, and Papa follow suit.

With the quintessence having taken away just the very edge, Rain keeps silently crying and shaking over his entire body as they carry Delta out and lower the casket into the ground.

This is the moment. This is…it.

Unable to stand the sight of the shiny wood in the cold ground, Rain immediately turns on his heel to grab one of the shovels he and Mountain left around. Holding it with a white-knuckled grip and sobbing with each move he makes, Rain drops more and more dirt over Delta’s casket.

Everybody wants to help him, but nobody knows how. Nobody knows how to take even an ounce of this weight off of Rain’s shoulders.

But they are a family, so they shall try.

Mountain goes first—grabbing his own shovel and joining Rain in filling the grave. Then, even though they have no tools, everyone steps up and throws at least one fistful of dirt. Even if their participation is nothing but a symbol, it lifts Rain up.

He’s not alone in this, and will never be alone.

At last, the pile of dirt off to the side is gone, and the grave is finished; merely a gentle lump rising from the ground.

An unmarked grave—though only for now. Rain will sell every single earthly possession of his if he must, but he will get Delta a headstone. A proper one.

But for now…

“Goodbye, Delta.”

Rain doesn’t remember returning inside. He doesn’t know how he ended up on a couch in the common room, wrapped in a soft blanket.

Having originally been watching the Delta, Alpha, and Omega’s picture on the wall, but ending up with his vision blurred, Rain stares into the distance. He’s clutching Delta’s letter, which he still can’t bring himself to read, in one of his hands. Not yet; his grief is too fresh. In the other hand is Delta’s cane.

“Hey, tadpole,” Swiss snaps Rain out of his contemplation. “How are you holding up?”

“Been better,” he sighs, and the other nods in understanding. Swiss sits next to him on the couch, close enough to make their legs touch, and places a warm hand on his thigh. Rain takes it as an invitation and leans into him; the multi ghoul wraps his arms around him and holds him close to his chest.

“Do you…want to tell me about him? Might help a little.”

Rain considers it. Yes, talking about him will be painful, at least at first, but he’s been hidden from the world for years, and now…he deserves to be talked about. The water ghoul makes up his mind and nods.

“His name was Delta.”

I don’t know what I’m supposed to do Haunted by the ghost of you Take me back to the night we met

December 31st, 2019

Second year in a row, Rain insisted on spending New Year’s Eve with Delta instead of his pack—the older ghoul gave up arguing. He even agreed to get holed up in Rain’s room with drinks and snacks and watch movies.

So that is exactly what they’ve been doing for the past few hours, cuddled up together in the water ghoul’s cloud of a nest, wrapped up in soft blankets and each other. There’s nothing in either of their minds except for the boring plot of the boring movie and the joy of being able to spend time like this together, and it’s glorious.

At one point, when an even more boring part comes in the movie they’re currently on, Rain wiggles out of the nest.

“Be right back, I’m gonna get drinks,” he says, only pulling away after leaving a kiss on Delta’s forehead. “You want one?”

“I’ll pass,” the other refuses politely. He’s always been a lightweight, but it’s gotten much worse with his health declining—he’s discovered that on one particular night, a few weeks before Rain was summoned, when he stole a bottle of whiskey.

It did not end well.

Rain nods and heads to his desk, where he prepared some ingredients earlier, and starts mixing…something. Delta can’t see well because it’s on his left side, but a few moments later the water ghoul turns back to the bed again, carrying an orange-pink drink with two orange slices on the rim of the glass.

“Tequila Sunrise,” Rain announces, giving a name to his concoction. When he comes close enough, Delta can see a clear, unmixed layer on the top, and he chuckles at the fact that Rain has clearly taken the tequila part of the drink to heart.

Careful not to spill any, he climbs back into bed and gets comfy with Delta again. Then, he takes a sip of his drink through a blue straw and moans dramatically, “Delicious.”

Delta laughs, shaking his head slightly. “Now that I think about it, you would make a splendid bartender.”

“Oh, would I now?” Rain raises an eyebrow. “And would you enjoy sitting at a bar and…hm, sipping one drink for hours just to watch me bustle about?”

“Indeed,” the older ghoul rumbles, leaning in closer to the other as he decides to entertain him and carry on the fantasy he’s started, “and I would…probably make you get me something from the highest shelves—literally, not metaphorically—just so I could take a good look at you as you reach for it.”

“And I…” Rain breaks off, taking a second to consider what comes next. In the meantime, Delta comes in even closer. “I would get you something on the house, hoping you’d notice that I’m watching you, too, and maybe…I’d slip you a napkin with my number on it.”

The older ghoul hums in acknowledgement and then, when Rain thinks he’s going in for a kiss, Delta twists his neck and snaps his fangs at the orange slices at the rim of Rain’s glass, stealing them.

“Hey!” he yelps, but it’s cut through with laughter. Delta only shrugs with the slices halfway out of his mouth; waiting. Rain fake-pouts and all but whines, “At least give me one back, I wanted it…”

Yet Delta remains still, only—there’s a spark in his seeing eye that tells the other ghoul exactly what he’s expecting of him. It’s Rain’s turn to shake his head before he leans in to reclaim one of the orange slices with his own teeth.

Delta forces himself to ignore the fire that this silly exchange has ignited in his core. Instead, he eats his orange as he watches Rain do the same.

“A menace you are,” the water ghoul giggles, taking a few more sips of his drink.

“And you,” Delta mutters, “are much tastier than this orange.”

Rain grins, and puts his glass away, onto his nightstand, before shutting his laptop with his other hand.

“Then come get a taste.”

Second year in a row, they get interrupted by all the Abbey’s bells beginning to toll at once to loudly welcome the New Year in fireworks’ stead—though this time midnight catches them in a much different predicament.

Rain—slightly tipsy on both alcohol and Delta—looks up at the older ghoul as if he hung the moon and the stars.

“Here’s to many more years,” he chuckles as if in a toast, even though he doesn’t have his drink in hand. “I love you.”

With how carefree he is, with how his beautiful eyes glisten with laughter, with how there’s no tension in his face but that of a smile, with how his body feels against Delta’s own…he doesn’t have the heart to tell Rain that he’s certain this is the last year they get to welcome together.

He pushes those thoughts away for later and kisses him deeply instead.

And I say, “Hello Satan, I I believe it is time to go” Me and the devil walkin’ side by side

January 1st, 2020

All that he’s pushed away the day prior comes back tenfold in the morning to slam into Delta as he wakes up. He has been feeling terrible these past few weeks—well, he’s been feeling terrible for the past three years, but it’s something else now.

There’s this dread filling him, like a shadow looming over the ghoul…with a clock. It’s a new feeling, and Delta absolutely loathes it, because it forces into his mind the thought that he’s on a timer.

He fears death—the uncertainty of it fills him with the most terror. Death is not something the ghouls are particularly accustomed to, rarely dealing with it, so he simply doesn’t know what will happen to him, what it will feel like, what…anything and everything about it; he doesn’t know, and that scares him.

But there is more.

Of course, he regrets having to leave Rain in such a manner, whether in a month or in a year.

A selfish part of him wishes that the water ghoul is there with him when it happens, that he holds his hand and eases his fear. Delta doesn’t want to die alone, but he knows it would be too cruel to subject Rain to an experience like that.

He will go silently, in the night, and alone—just like he has been living these past years. If anything, Delta can recognize potential for symbolism.

But the worst thing that makes him all but shake with all kinds of emotions at once is that Delta…he will be forgotten. It’s a fact, he knows it; if he got forgotten while he was still alive, there will surely be nothing left of him when he actually dies.

Rain is his only hope, really—as Omega doesn’t count to him anymore. A few memories in Rain’s mind and those few pictures on the wall will be Delta’s legacy.

And it breaks his heart.

He’d like to be able to say to himself that he deserved better, that this is all incredibly unfair, but that ghoul—the one full of life and strength and anger—who would argue that he can’t allow himself to simply perish, fade away, doesn’t exist anymore. He got snuffed out by the Clergy’s heavy fingers and their divine ambitions.

All of it so grim and formidable enough to make Delta cry silently as he lies in Rain’s arms; the younger ghoul still asleep. Delta gets lost so deep in his pondering that he fails to stay aware of the passing time. He doesn’t realize when the other wakes; only when he mumbles sleepily, “Hmpfh, morning.”

Delta, suddenly feeling trapped, only hums in acknowledgment. For a moment he thinks he’s safe—that Rain is so tired he’ll fall back asleep and he’ll have time to compose himself before properly facing the younger ghoul—but then he moves against Delta’s back, stretching and hooking his chin over the other’s shoulder to look at his face.

Well…fuck.

“Everything okay?” he slurs, not noticing the tears at first, only the lack of response or movement even with Delta clearly being awake. But then he does take in his puffy eyes and wet cheeks. “Oh no, hey, what’s wrong?”

“It’s nothing, I promise,” Delta finally says, forcing his voice to be steady and his fake smile to reach his right eye.

“Delta, you’re crying,” Rain points out. His brows are furrowed both in worry and a bit of offense taken at Delta thinking he’ll believe such a blatant lie. All that, and he’s barely awake still.

“I didn’t even realize,” Delta lies again, coming up with it on the spot. He chuckles sadly. “I’m sorry, I just got lost in thought and…well.”

“Okay…” Rain sighs; not even remotely convinced, but willing to accept that the other has no desire to talk about whatever got him so upset. They already have a considerable number of serious conversations behind them, so he knows that Delta would indeed talk to him, were it something that needed to be talked about. “And you’re sure you’re alright?”

“I am, I promise,” Delta says—lies—and it actually hurts him to throw the word ‘promise’ around so lightly. He had never done before.

He rolls over properly to be face-to-face with Rain. When he is, the water ghoul wipes his cheek of tears with his hand before leaning in to kiss away what wetness remains on his lips.

“I love you,” he whispers and, as always, does not hear the words back, but it does not upset him. No, the way Delta holds onto him as if he’s a lifeline, yet melts in his arms is enough.

Even if that is all he ever gets in reply, he will be satisfied.

They stay like that for a while longer until Rain’s stomach rumbles, making both of them chuckle. He untangles himself from the sheets and Delta’s arms and hops off the bed—still gloriously naked after their New Year’s Eve celebration; he treats the older ghoul to a delightful view.

“I’ll bring us something to eat,” the water ghoul says, putting on a robe—unfortunately for the other—before heading toward the door. “Do not run away.”

“I shall not flee,” Delta swears, chuckling, with a bow-adjacent nod of his head.

“Good,” Rain winks, “be right back.”

Hold me, so tight You see me from the port while time still seems like a stone come close embrace my own dawn stars fade out after all

January 3rd, 2020

Delta asked Rain for a day to himself after New Year’s Eve and the morning that followed. The water ghoul, of course, told him he doesn’t need permission—only that he’d appreciate a heads-up, purely so as not to worry.

So he was entirely content to give Delta his space, and even though he intended to, he did little in the meantime. He hadn’t slept well at night again, for no reason known to him. He got the insomnia that plagued him when he was first summoned under control a long time ago, but there are still bouts of it happening once in a while; now seems to be that time again.

Rain’s as fine with it as one can be while so exhausted, but even despite that he’s still quite…cheery. Everything has just been so good lately, and it’s his and Delta’s anniversary tomorrow. And that is exciting and a perfectly good reason to be cheery.

Now it’s very early morning and while he should be asleep, he couldn’t get there, so he’s reading a book at his desk by the window. He enjoys doing that while watching the sunrise, but this time of year, with how far up north in Sweden they are, he’d be lucky to see sunlight at all in the next few weeks.

Rain yawns as he turns over another page, and it causes him not to notice the sound of his door cracking open. With how tired he is, his brain doesn’t tune in to the shuffling and footsteps right behind him until—

“You should be asleep,” Delta whispers right into his ear, leaning over his shoulder.

“Lucifer!” Rain jumps from his chair with a yelp, knocking the other ghoul back a step. He turns around to see him grinning and pants, “Fucking Hell, Delta, you scared me…”

“I was being obnoxiously loud once I saw you were awake to avoid exactly that,” Delta teases, closing the distance between them again when Rain closes his book and puts it away. “My original plan was to slip into the nest with you and have you wake up to my kisses, but alas.”

Rain’s chest warms and tightens at his words. Yeah, he’d like that a lot.

Instead of saying that, the water ghoul loops his arms around Delta’s middle and brings him closer to kiss that grin off of his face.

“We could still…get back into bed and I can pretend to be asleep?”

“Or I could just…” Delta trails off into placing a kiss on one of Rain’s horns, then another, then his forehead, and then he’s fully peppering his face with them, making the water ghoul giggle.

Once he deems Rain breathless enough, he pauses. “Though I must admit, getting back into bed is not at all a bad idea.”

“Gotcha.” Rain winks and stands from his chair, grabbing Delta’s hand. “C’mon, then.”

The older ghoul follows, and after both of them get rid of the excess of clothing, they hop into Rain’s soft nest. Oh, it really is the most comfortable place on Earth.

As the two of them wrap themselves up in all the bedding and snuggle close to each other, they can’t help but giggle like two lovesick teenagers. This is good, life is good, and who cares when—no, neither of them is thinking about that now.

And so the hours pass just like that, with them holding onto each other, talking about everything and nothing, and only changing positions every hour or so—save for when Rain goes to get snacks and lunch.

It’s evening again when Delta says he has to leave for the night. Rain pouts, but he’s had him all day, so he supposes he can survive letting him go for a while now. Besides…

“I’ll see you later,” Rain mutters with a wink as he leans in to kiss Delta’s cheek.

“Promise?” he asks somewhat teasing, light-heartedly. He knows what the other means by ‘later’.

The water ghoul does not hesitate. He turns his head to whisper the word against Delta’s lips, “Promise.”

They both smile brightly and let go of each other. After one more kiss, they part and go their separate ways again. Rain has no idea what Delta’s plans for the remaining hours of the day are, and neither does he have any specific ones for himself.

With it nearing eight, he goes to the kitchen to make himself a sandwich and grab something to drink as a standby for dinner. He opts for hot cocoa and comes back to his own room with it instead of lingering in the commons.

But when he does get back, the warmth of the cocoa is making his eyelids heavy, and his soft nest is all but calling out for him again. He’s exhausted—only Delta’s presence and the preciousness of every second with him kept Rain from falling asleep right there in his arms—a small nap wouldn’t hurt.

And it’s so tempting now that he feels like he’d actually be able to fall asleep. It would actually be beneficial, Rain thinks, to get some rest before his…well, date with Delta at three a.m., lest he fall asleep then.

Yes, he finally makes his decision and jumps into his nest—sleep takes him in mere minutes.

There’s no end There is no goodbye Disappear with the night No time

January 4th, 2020

Rain wakes up suddenly with a gasp. He’s confused, it takes him a moment to register where he is, then he looks at his phone and—

“Oh, no…fuck!”

Eleven minutes past three in the morning. His alarm either didn’t ring—did he even set it?—or he snoozed it and now he’s late.

Rain jumps up from the bed and trips over his own legs when he storms out of the room, not caring about all the noise he’s causing. Delta is the only thing on his mind right now, and he’s already coming up with seven different apologies as he runs through the Abbey in the rehearsal room’s direction.

He was supposed to be there at three a.m. sharp—the exact same time the two of them met there a year ago, and a year before that, for the first time—but he’s foolishly given in to the urge of taking a nap, and now he’s here. He’s not very late, only fourteen minutes by the time he gets to the practice room’s door, but he feels horrible about it anyway; about making Delta wait.

Or worse, making him think he forgot, even though they’d seen each other not that long ago and promised to meet again soon—though neither of them actually specified when or where it would be, they both knew. This day and time has grown to mean a lot to them.

Rain opens the door and finds the lights on and by the opposite wall Delta is—

Delta is lying on the ground, unmoving.

“Delta?” the water ghoul calls out, though quietly at first as ice only begins to cut through his veins. His legs get wobbly as he approaches the other, terrified as to just what he might discover.

Delta is not responding.

 “Delta, are you alright?” Rain tries again, still from a distance. It feels as if there is an invisible wall keeping him from coming closer, tugging at his heart and making his lungs feel void of air.

Delta is not moving.

“Delta…?” he says, barely above a whisper. He swallows hard, takes those remaining steps toward the ghoul, and kneels by his side. Rain puts a hand on Delta’s shoulder and shakes him gently, moving him so that he’s lying on his back instead of his side.

Delta’s face is still.

“Come on, please,” Rain mumbles—pleads—as reality crumbles around him. He grabs both of the other ghoul’s shoulders now and shakes them more, hoping and praying more than he ever did in his long life for him to just wake up.

But Delta is not breathing.

“No. No, no, no, Delta, wake up,” the water ghoul cries out, louder and louder. His vision is swimming and his chest feels painfully tight and—this cannot be happening. “Wake the fuck up! Please…”

But Delta’s heart is not beating.

“Don’t do this, don’t leave me. Please, don’t leave me, not yet…” Rain brings his trembling hands to his face to aggressively wipe at the tears that flow from his eyes, but it does nothing to stop them from coming. He’s shaking all over, finding himself unable to breathe as Delta is just lying there and he’s not waking up and Rain can’t—

Delta is dead.

Either minutes or years pass before Rain runs out of tears, most of them now soaked into Delta’s cassock where he’s folded across his body. He can’t—Rain can’t think, he can’t move, he can’t breathe, he can’t do anything.

Finally, he brings himself to straighten up; though his vessel feels heavier than ever. He looks down at Delta and smooths out a few tangles from his hair before cupping his left cheek with a wet palm and running his thumb over those thick, raised scars.

In the endless pit that Rain’s mind has turned into, only three words emerge.

“I love you.”

The water ghoul leans back against the wall, now turning to such emptiness that he is unable to truly feel the pain of the heartbreak. The agonizing silence that has accompanied Delta for so long now envelops Rain.

His hand shakes when he reaches out toward the other’s scarred own—lying limply by his cane, which has dropped to the floor just as he must have done.

Rain intertwines his fingers with these unmoving ones—still warm, even though Delta has always run rather cold; always the water ghoul way—and holds his hand for the last time.

Until sunrise, and long after.

It’s so quiet here And I feel so cold This house no longer Feels like home

October 27th, 2019

Rain nearly has a heart attack when Delta doesn’t come to welcome him back after returning to the Abbey.

He did that every single time a tour leg ended—well, except for that one time he promised to give Rain space, but then it was him that found Delta and ran into his arms—and this one was not only one of the longest periods they haven’t seen each other for, but also the first time that the two of them actually know what they are. The water ghoul is beginning to think the worst before bursting into the catacombs and finally finding the other there.

Relief washes over him and his lips curl into a smile, but it drops again once he properly takes in Delta’s appearance. These six months have had no mercy on him; he’s so much thinner and paler and sicker than when Rain left, and the water ghoul feels nauseous with the realization of just how much of their time together he’s wasted.

“You’re back,” Delta breathes as if in disbelief, sitting up in his pathetic excuse for a nest. Rain hopes he hasn’t been here all this time; he promised to take advantage of the water ghoul’s room. “I’m sorry I didn’t come to greet you, I…it appears I forgot. It’s been storming lately.”

“Don’t worry about it,” Rain replies with a slight crack in his voice, putting on a fake smile. He walks over to the older ghoul and sits by his side. “How are you feeling?”

“Oh, I am thriving,” he chuckles, waving a hand to vaguely gesture at himself. “I only look like death herself because I’ve been up partying all night.”

The joke and his tone succeed in making Rain let out a laugh, too, but it doesn’t get rid of the dread that’s filled him.

“If I offered to take care of you now, would you let me?” he asks, getting straight to the point—through his eyes it now seems there is really not a second to waste when it comes to Delta.

“I suppose, but you don’t have to—”

“I want to, for both of us. Okay?”

“Okay,” Delta agrees with a nod and a small smile painted on his face. He’s already feeling much better now that Rain is here. He may not be a fire ghoul, but he brings in warmth.

He replies with a much brighter grin, and half an hour later the two of them are submerged up to their necks in hot water in Rain’s enormous bathtub.

It didn’t take Delta long to all but melt in it; after all, it’s been years since he took a bath, let alone such a nice one. Even getting the opportunity for a warm shower has been a challenge since the experiment.

Now he’s reclined with his back against Rain’s front, his head thrown back onto the water ghoul’s shoulder, and his eyes closed. It’s so nice.

While Delta, for once, has his mind empty, Rain tries and fails to do the same to his own. Instead of focusing on the horrors that are creeping toward them, he finds a strange solace in the thought of the past—particularly Delta’s scars.

Rain has touched them before, of course, but never…explicitly, just for them. Now he itches to run his hands along them, trail over them with his fingers; he simply has to. He starts with a gentle caress with his palm from the older ghoul’s wrists up to his elbow, then shoulder.

Seeing as it doesn’t seem to make Delta uncomfortable—he still looks quite relaxed and doesn’t say anything or move—the water ghoul assumes it’s alright and continues, now tracing every ragged line with his pointer finger.

“These are pretty, you know? Like roots or lightning,” Rain sighs after a while—he means it. “I know just the meaning behind them makes them suck…but if not for all the baggage.”

“I do understand what you mean,” Delta replies, but his eyes remain closed, not eager to spare the scars even a single glance. “I used to love storms until I’ve essentially been thrown into the eye of one. Now they usually mean terrible pain, too, so I cannot find much beauty in the imagery anymore.”

“That’s fair,” the water ghoul mumbles. The ability to enjoy the beauty of storms is yet another thing the Clergy has stolen from Delta, he realizes. “I’m sorry.”

Delta doesn’t answer, save for a quiet hum of acknowledgement. They slip into silence again—Rain still tracing Delta’s scars as the other lies against him.

But now, Rain finally loses against the jumble in his head and after a moment finds himself compelled to share his thoughts with the other to release them. “Delta, listen, you really don’t look good and—”

“You knew I would only keep getting worse,” he interrupts him—suddenly sharp, defensive, and with a tinge of fear, as if he’s expecting Rain to walk out on him right there and then. Maybe his mind hasn’t been that empty for these past few minutes, after all.

“I did, I know, but it’s not that, I—” the water ghoul senses the unexpected tension and his heart is already beating twice as fast as it was moments ago. “I’m not very good at this…I feel like you’re holding something in and I know our relationship is far from normal, and that you’ve been going through something much worse than Hell for this last couple years and that it really changed you and how you…operate, but I want you to talk to me. Or at least know that you can talk to me. You can’t go through this alone, and you don’t have to. I love you, remember?”

“I…I’m sorry, Rain, I did not intend to make you feel inadequate in any way,” Delta sighs, “but this is not about you. I apologize, but there are some things that I have to do alone.”

Rain knows Delta truly believes what he’s saying, and it makes him so incredibly sad. He doesn’t even know how to respond, and he’s got a feeling that no matter what he would choose to utter, it wouldn’t matter to the older ghoul.

“Besides, you leave again in what, two weeks? Three?” Delta carries on. “Do not dwell on me of all things.”

“I don’t have to go,” Rain all but whines with tears pooling in his eyes. “I could ask the Cardinal to let me stay. The next leg is barely a tour; it’s only a few shows, and they have backing tracks. I could stay with you, take care of you and just…get more time.”

“No, you love playing,” Delta shakes his head, not entertaining the idea for a single second. If he lets his mind wander, if he dares to imagine how it would be like having Rain all to himself all the time—that is when he will be truly doomed. “You can’t give that up, even if only for a few weeks. Not for me, you don’t want it.”

“I only want you!” the water ghoul snaps, his tears finally spilling over and down his cheeks. He wipes them quickly as if it would make Delta forget they had even appeared in the first place. “I only need you.”

Delta frowns, his scars tightening, and for a moment he tries to find something to say, something that could make this any better, but he fails. Instead, he grabs Rain’s face and kisses him deeply.

“Can you promise me something?” he asks when they part, opting not to reply to the water ghoul’s deep-cutting words. He knew they would get to this point—this is exactly what Delta wanted to avoid by refusing himself the pleasure of being with Rain all this time.

“That depends,” Rain grumbles, swinging between sadness, disappointment, anger, and simply…overwhelming amounts of love.

“When I…go,” Delta clears his throat, “don’t even think about following, about giving up the life you have here. I need you to promise me you won’t.”

If the other were to ask if Rain had ever thought about it, he would be lying if he said no.

Not getting the reply he wants—any, for that matter—Delta asks again, “Rain, promise me. Please, I need to know you’re going to be alright.”

Alright. The water ghoul thinks about the word and into what context Delta’s just put it. No, he will not be alright after he dies, not even close; that’s what love is, and Rain loves him very much.

But there’s more to love than that, he decides.

“I promise.”

And if you go, I wanna go with you And if you die, I wanna die with you Take your hand and walk away

November 15th, 2019

Delta has invited Rain to join him in the old bell tower in the morning. He didn’t explain exactly why, just that he might enjoy it. It was more than enough motivation for the water ghoul.

Uncertain if Delta would have, let alone haul something up there, Rain brought blankets. One of them is more like a mat to sit on; and sat on it they did—at the edge of the tower to take in the view.

“It really is nice here,” Rain sighs with his eyes on the horizon where the sun slowly rises.

“Indeed,” Delta agrees. “I used to come here as often as my body allowed to watch the day be born. And all the life with it.”

“I never really thought about it like that,” the water ghoul hums thoughtfully. “That’s beautiful, to be able to watch over the world.”

“So it is,” the other says with a small smile. He keeps watching Rain instead of said world below them—having gotten his fill of it, unlike the ghoul. After a few silent moments, he can’t help but reach out to gently grab Rain’s face and turn it away from the world and toward himself. “Forgive me for stealing the view.”

“I think I like this one better, actually,” Rain giggles, and it makes Delta blush. The water ghoul places his hand over the one on his face and leans in to brush his lips against Delta’s in a teasing manner. He deems it far from enough—he moves his hand to the back of Rain’s head and deepens their kiss until their breaths are but one.

They only pull away when the wind changes direction and hits them, immediately causing Delta to shiver; though he tries to conceal it. Rain notices right away and skips the question of ‘are you cold?’, knowing the other would—for whatever reason—deny. He pulls the second blanket he brought out of the bag and fumbles with it.

Delta picks up on what he’s doing and smiles crookedly, watching Rain get lost in the huge fluffy blanket. As he finally gets a hold of it and brings his arms up to pull it over the older ghoul’s back, a small static shock hits him—and by extension, Delta.

He flinches—a natural reaction to something so sudden and sharp, so for the first few seconds Rain pays it no mind. But then he looks up, only to see Delta’s eyes wide and terrified; suddenly there’s nothing left of that composed man, all that’s left is…a panic-stricken animal.

“Delta…?” Rain asks quietly, confused and growing more worried by the second as he watches the other ghoul’s eyes water and his frame shake. He seems frozen in horror, and Rain quickly concludes that he must be stuck in some faraway and dark corner of his mind.

The water ghoul has no idea what to do; he’s scared to touch Delta again, lest he make it worse, but he has to snap him out of it somehow, and he doesn’t even know what made—

And then it hits him.

Delta has always described his pain as electric. He said that the attempted transition failed like electricity burning through him. His scars resemble lightning, his pain gets worse when there is a storm…

That tiny static shock from the blanket took Delta back there.

He has even less idea of what to do now, with this realization. Guilt overwhelms him, but he doesn’t let it freeze him in place as well—he must help the other, but the only thing he has right now is…words.

“Delta, I’m sorry,” he starts, unable to keep himself from saying it at least once. Then, from his own mind, he digs out things that are meant to ground, “You’re okay, you’re here, in the old bell tower. And I’m with you. You’re not alone; you’re safe. Delta, can you hear me?”

Rain receives no reply but a barely noticeable twitch of Delta’s left eyelid—as if his injured eye can’t handle being open wide and exposed to air for so long.

The water ghoul swallows hard and carries on talking; just rambling about where they are, what they are doing, and most importantly reminding Delta of his presence by his side every two or three sentences.

Rain starts to lose hope that he will manage to bring the other back when he notices movement on his face once again. This time he blinks properly, both his eyes. The water ghoul could all but exclaim in excitement about that tiny victory, but not yet.

“There we go, hi,” he breathes instead. “Come back to me, yeah? I’m right here.”

Keeping his gaze on Delta’s face, Rain doesn’t notice the older ghoul’s hand moving where it lies on the mat between them. His fingers contract, and he reaches forward until they meet with Rain’s own.

He gasps, surprised, but turns his hand palm-up to take Delta in. Slowly and shakily, his fingers intertwine with Rain’s, and he squeezes—holding onto the water ghoul’s hand as if it’s a lifeline, as if he’ll fall into the Abyss if he lets go.

“Yeah, that’s me,” Rain chuckles sadly. “Good job, keep going.”

Minutes pass, and despite the older ghoul still being far, far away, Rain’s hope is slowly crawling back to him as he watches Delta’s eyes regain some focus.

Finally, with a sharp breath, Delta slumps over, as if whatever was holding him paralyzed had suddenly and unexpectedly freed him. His still panic-filled eyes scan his surroundings and end up locking on Rain.

“Hi,” the water ghoul mumbles, almost shyly, and Delta all but throws himself forward into his arms right away. “Oh, Delta…”

The older ghoul shakes silently against Rain as he holds him tightly, still muttering gentle, reassuring words. Delta clings onto him with all his might—however little that means nowadays.

“I’ve got you, you’re okay,” Rain whispers. “I love you.”

Nothing but shuddering breaths answer him; though he does not expect a reply. Not only because of Delta’s current state but also because…well, that particular phrase never echoes back to him.

Delta is always subtle in his avoidance of the words. So much so that it’s easy to miss, but Rain notices he never says it back—of course he notices. And most of the time he doesn’t particularly mind, considering all the things the other does to show his love, but sometimes, when insecurity takes over, the water ghoul itches to ask him ‘why?’.

Maybe one day he will, but it certainly doesn’t matter now.

Now, Delta is slowly coming back to himself. It makes Rain happy to feel the other’s fingers dance on his back to the rhythm he’s learned to recognize.

Tap. Tap-tap-tap-tap. Tap-tap-tap.

Crawling in my skin These wounds, they will not heal Fear is how I fall Confusing what is real

December 20th, 2019

Lucifer only sends the most worthy to Earth, and He does so for a purpose. Delta had a purpose, but he failed in his task. Granted, he’s encountered obstacles that nearly killed him, but his failure still is, and always will be, only his.

He forgets about that part of his misery sometimes; overshadowed by his pain and loneliness. But when he remembers, the sliver of hope he’s normally holding onto—the one that he’ll go back to the Pit when he dies here, Topside—completely evaporates.

Why would Lucifer reward a failure?

Delta’s always been spending at least half his time in his head, but nowadays it’s rare for him not to be there. There are so many things he has to make peace with, yet so little time, after all.

He’s waiting for Rain, hanging around in the practice room. The bus drove onto the Abbey’s grounds a few minutes ago, so he should come here in another few. As Delta walks around, unable to handle standing in one place or sitting because of the terrible tension in his left leg, he thinks. Obviously.

He walks by the rack of guitars, strumming each gently with a finger as he passes them—for a reason unknown to him exposed this evening. Probably because the empty spaces between some are to be filled again with the instruments that are about to return.

Delta can’t help but notice there is more missing than just the Hagströms and Fenders that the band took with them. There're no Gibsons in sight anymore; haven’t been for a while.

Alpha’s guitars are not there—discarded, erased just like Alpha himself. No trace of him left anywhere, save for a few photos and Delta’s heart.

Delta hangs his eye on the remaining white Fantomens and reminds himself how excited Alpha was about these guitars that he designed with Omega just for the two of them. He never got to actually play them—the first shipment from the factory arrived merely a week after the fire ghoul was sent back.

If Delta had not been so weak at the time, fresh after the failed experiment, he thinks he would have burned all those gorgeous guitars. Snapped their strings, ripped out the hardware, and turned them to ash just the way Alpha was.

A breath catches in Delta’s throat, and he tries to calm himself, not even realizing just how upset he’s made himself. When he does—when his breathing is even again, when he can no longer hear the blood pounding in his ears, and when all the guitars’ strings have quieted—the surrounding silence becomes deafening.

Yes, it’s the silence that’s the worst. Silence like this makes you realize just how insignificant your losses are in the grand scheme of things.

The world in itself is not silent, because nobody is meant to be so alone that silence may exist.

The cold is terrible too, especially for someone who’s gotten so used to it—dependent on, even. Alpha has always been there for Delta, always by his side, keeping him warm both literally and figuratively.

The incessant cold means just as much as silence does: utter and complete loneliness.

It also means loss, particularly for Delta. It’s harder to handle losing something than never knowing it—and you only realize how big a part of you something is when you lose it, when you start missing it.

Sometimes it’s like a black hole inside your chest, sucking in everything around it until there’s nothing left. Other times it’s like fingers locked around your lungs and squeezing until you can’t breathe, until your body goes numb—unable to function in the world without that lost past.

The thing is that there’s no escaping it. It’s always there, despite the actual lack.

Oh, and does Delta feel that lack.

“Your hair is a mess.”

Rain.

Delta doesn’t have to force the smile that creeps onto his face as he turns around. “Yes, well, without you here I didn’t have anyone to look pretty for, now, did I?”

Rain smiles, but for him it is fake—Delta’s lack of self-care is the first thing he’s noticed. He knows exactly what it means, and it scares him. “Alright then, now that I’m here, can I help you with it?”

“Straight to the elderly care, I see,” Delta chuckles, “but I suppose, if you wish. It’s good to see you, Rainy.”

Despite everything, the pet name makes the water ghoul’s smile more genuine. He crosses the room and greets the other properly—with a kiss. When he pulls away, Rain keeps his eyes locked on Delta’s; one cobalt blue, one blind, milky violet.

The moment stretches for so long that the older ghoul begins to worry. “Is everything okay?”

“Oh yes, sorry. Your eyes really are pretty,” Rain snaps out of it with a giggle. And that they are, but that’s not why he was staring into them so intensely.

Consciously or not, Rain was trying to memorize every single detail, every speck of blue and silver and white and violet. He would never forgive himself if he forgot them after some time.

“Want to go to my room? We’ll wash that mane of yours, and then I can braid it. The ghoulettes started teaching me, and it turns out I’m pretty good.”

“Well, you are a bassist with skill in those fingers of yours,” Delta says before wiggling his eyebrows a bit and adding, “More than one kind of skill, if you know what I mean.”

“Delta!” Rain bursts out laughing. “If I didn’t know better, I’d accuse you of spending too much time with Swiss.”

“If that is his kind of humor, I might just start, actually.”

“Naughty demon,” the water ghoul giggles, shaking his head—which is finally, even if for a moment, clear of the anticipatory grief. Just as if Delta’s sensed it and started joking around to achieve exactly that. “Alright, let’s go. I’ll put ‘those fingers of mine’ to good use…in any way you’ll want me to.”

“What are we waiting for, then?” Delta waves a hand in a hurrying gesture, only to pat Rain on the ass as soon as he walks in front of him. He shoots the other a playful glare over his shoulder—Delta pacifies him by joining their hands.

They leave the practice room like this and slowly head toward the Den. As they do, Rain's fingers cling all but desperately onto Delta’s, while his own digits dance on top of the water ghoul’s hand.

Tap. Tap-tap-tap-tap. Tap-tap-tap.

Am I comfortable in silence? Or is it eating me alive Nothing’s ever really quiet When you need distraction to survive

December 24th, 2019

God is real.

Delta knows it—all the ghouls know it. They are servants of Lucifer, demons bred in the Pits of Hell and occasionally summoned onto the Earth for various purposes. If Hell is real, and if Lucifer did fall, He had to fall from somewhere, and He certainly did not do so of His own choice.

Among ghouls, God and Heaven may be topics that humans would call taboo, but everyone knows that they're just as real as demons, Lucifer, and Hell are. The other side of the coin.

But is it?

God is a cruel bastard who does nothing but manipulate and deceive with the illusion of free will. He showers the Earth in evil, telling the humans how it’s all their fault, only to then graciously take it away again and demand worship for being so merciful.

The biggest sinner of all.

All is part of his plan. Every bad thing happening to every person on Earth is his doing. He’s the Almighty, so if he didn’t want people to hurt, they wouldn’t. And if it truly were about free will, he wouldn’t play with them like marionettes.

Despite the ghouls and other demons calling themselves the children of Lucifer—and Him being proud to call Himself their Father—God is the one who created them all. Their purpose was to embody evil and terrorize humans into avoiding sin; lest they end up in Hell and become one of the beasts, even though it doesn’t even work that way.

And yet, what began as Lucifer’s prison, He turned into a home for the Damned whose only mistake was to have had their souls drawn from the wrong pile by God’s wicked hand. Delta is sure that Hell is a much better place than Heaven; if only because free will actually does exist there.

While, yes, all is part of God’s vicious plan and all evil comes from him, he discarded Hell the moment Lucifer fell and inhabited it. Now, He is the only divine influence there, and He actually loves His children and does not force evil deeds on them.

But over those Hellish creatures that are beyond the Pit’s borders, God still has influence. Lucifer does His best to protect His children on Earth, but He often gets bested—Delta has no doubt that his torture is an example of such times.

He truly loathes God. With all his might.

A few kilometers from the Abbey there is a small town with a Catholic cathedral in the center. Delta likes to walk there, disregarding the knowledge of just how strenuous such a journey will be for him, and visit the temple.

He can’t come in, of course—hallowed ground and all that—but standing just in front of it with his head tilted backwards to stare up and take in the entirety of the massive structure. Built in God’s name; what a waste of beauty.

Sometimes Delta remains silent. Sometimes he screams. Sometimes he cries.

He hasn’t yet decided which one it will be tonight.

He’s been walking for what feels like hours and hours before finally approaching his destination. For a moment he even thinks he’s been walking for so long that the morning caught up to him, but he has exaggerated.

It’s only Christmas Eve, of course. Delta arrived just in time to watch people filter out of the cathedral after the Midnight Mass.

It hurts seeing the families, the children, the couples. It’s not only the contrast of their warmth to his cold that hurts him—it’s also the fact that none of these people truly know who they are devoted to.

Delta wishes he could be so clueless sometimes. That he could forget all that he knows, all that he’s been through.

Three years.

Three years have passed since his mutilation.

Three years he has been in constant pain.

Three years he has spent without his mate.

The church bell tolls once, and the people all walk away; Delta is left alone.

He finally walks up to the front of the building and takes his usual spot before lifting his gaze. It doesn’t take long for tears to pool in his eyes, and even less time for the ghoul to burst out crying.

It all hurts so much.

When he started coming to the cathedral soon after the failed experiment, he often screamed, ‘Why?’. As time has gone by, his mindset while visiting this place has changed many times, but now…

Now it’s just pure anguish. Nothing else remains.

Delta nearly collapses with how hard he’s sobbing—and yet he doesn’t look away from the cross high on the cathedral’s tower. What a joke.

He’s made his peace with his fate, but he will never forgive or forget God’s cruelty.

After a while, when Delta regains his breath, he straightens up, wipes the tears from his face and lifts his hand.

“Fuck you,” he spits with his middle finger directed at the sky and turns to leave.

By the time the Abbey comes into his view again, Delta is truly exhausted, and even though he much desires to see Rain—to look into his gorgeous cerulean eyes and forget about everything else—he doesn’t think he could face him tonight.

He’d crumble, and it’s not the water ghoul’s responsibility to put him back together.

He limps inside the Abbey and starts heading down to the catacombs, but ends up making a detour to the practice room. After all, he’s made a ritual out of rotting here on this day every year since it’s gotten its meaning.

So Delta does just that. He’s barely standing as he grabs a bass with a shaking arm and turns to walk over to the edge of the fake stage—as always.

But with the heavy instrument and his energy draining more and more with every second, the ghoul doesn’t make it to the edge of the mock stage. His legs give out and he crumbles to the ground; the thud of his fall is drowned out by the noise of the bass as it does the same.

And that is it. The line that Delta’s sorrow was hesitantly hanging behind disappears, and it all spills out.

He rolls over onto his back and breaks out into loud, ugly sobs that shake his entire form. His pain—both physical, ripping through his body, and mental, fraying the edges of his sanity—is all but blinding; he can’t think at all.

Delta could die right now, and he would not mind.

He doesn’t know for how long he lies there in what feels like an ocean of his own tears before a new sound reaches his ears; rushed footsteps, then the door opening, and—

“Delta!?” Rain yells, but it sounds muffled in Delta’s ears. He can see the blurry shape of the water ghoul running over to him, but he just can’t bring himself to do anything, neither move nor speak. “Delta, what happened, what’s going on with you?”

No reply, but the fear in Rain’s voice brings Delta a step closer to reality. The water ghoul wasn’t supposed to see him tonight, see this, and he definitely wasn’t supposed to worry and want to take care of him and—he fucked up again.

In an attempt to calm himself down and regain some control, Delta clenches his jaw so hard that the pain from it spreads even to the core of his broken horn. Rain keeps talking to him, asking what happened, trying to reassure him—all that babbling that does indeed work on Delta.

It’s not only grounding; most importantly, it’s a direct reminder that he’s not in silence’s snare anymore. At least not at the moment, and that’s what matters. Delta’s eyes clear as his tears stop flowing, and with his right one he stares up at Rain. For a moment in silence, as if making sure he’s not just another pain-induced hallucination.

The water ghoul doesn’t disappear.

“I just wanted to play,” Delta whispers, and it sends a shiver down Rain’s spine. It’s so…hollow; it scares him. “Only a little.”

“I know, I know,” he replies, grabbing the other’s hand and squeezing it as he sits by his side more comfortably. “It’s okay, I’ve got you now. We’ll come back here to play when you’re feeling better.”

That unassuming sentence makes something spark in Delta’s seeing eye, and he asks hopefully, “Promise?”

“I promise,” Rain forces out a sad chuckle. His answer seems to really please the older ghoul in his fragile, near-delirious state; he sags a bit against the floor and squeezes Rain’s hand back.

Then, with a sigh, Delta turns his head to the other side where the bass lies beside him. He raises a weak hand and brings it over the Fender’s fretboard to clumsily pluck the strings a couple of times.

It makes Rain’s heart crack in two.

After a while he realizes that Delta picks up a rhythm, though it loses its regularity every few seconds.

One. One-two-three-four. One-two-three.

One. One-two-three-four. One-two-three.

One. One-two-three-four. One-two-three.

One. One-two-three-four. One-two-three.

One. One-two-three-four. One-two-three.

One.

One-two-three-four.

One-two-three.

Hold, hold on, hold onto me ‘Cause I’m a little unsteady A little unsteady

April 13th, 2019

Rain and Delta have been spending most of their time together since the former’s dramatic love confession. Neither have any regrets about their choice to let the other in; though different kinds of emotional turmoil are frequent visitors in both their minds.

But they ignore it all in favor of simply enjoying themselves and the other. Just like now—nothing but existing together in the practice room and talking about everything and nothing.

“How old even are you?” Delta asks, interrupting the silence that has fallen after they ran out of things to be said on the topic of the previous conversation. He surprises himself with the realization that despite knowing a lot about Rain, he has never asked him about that. Or found that out on his own. “You look young, even for a water ghoul.”

“Hm, born in fifty-seven sixty-nine, so that’s…” Rain trails off to count it in his head. His usage of the dating system from Hell makes Delta smile. “Three hundred and seventy-three, I think? Around that, so either way I’m basically a twenty-five-year-old by human standards, according to Mountain.”

“Your math is correct,” Delta nods, “and that is what I thought.”

“What about you?”

“Guess.”

“Uhm,” Rain hums, furrowing his eyebrows as he scans the other with his eyes, “six…seven hundred?”

“Lucifer, do I look that bad?” he laughs, but Rain’s face is already bright red with the embarrassment of his estimate.

“Sorry, I’m bad at guessing…”

“It’s quite alright; don’t mind my amusement,” Delta assures. “I was born in fifty-six ninety-three.”

“Please don’t make me count, I barely managed my own,” the water ghoul giggles, now hiding behind his hands.

“It’s four hundred and forty-nine. Basically a thirty-year-old by human standards,” the other clarifies, mirroring Rain’s own way of explaining it.

“Oh…” If he didn’t feel too bad about his guess at first, he feels absolutely terrible now. Delta’s barely any older than him, and yet he looks so…mature. “I’m sorry.”

“For what? It’s not you who made me look like a common middle-aged human.”

“I wouldn’t say common, either way,” the water ghoul shrugs, smiling shyly.

“Are you calling me extraordinary?” Delta teases and leans in close with a crooked smirk on his face.

“I guess I am,” Rain whispers, closing the distance between them and making their lips meet in a kiss. It’s nice until Delta suddenly grunts into it and pulls away with a grimace on his face. “What’s wrong?”

“Just a cramp, I apologize,” he mumbles, digging his fingers into his left thigh to massage it away. After a brief moment, there is some relief, and he returns his attention to the pretty little water ghoul in front of him. “Now how about I finish what I started?”

The other still has a chuckle on his lips when Delta presses his own against them again. This time it lasts longer. They both reach for the other; Rain tangling his fingers in Delta’s hair and holding him close by the back of his neck, and Delta with one of his hands cupping Rain’s cheek and the other on his waist.

They do have to part for breath, though, and when they do, the older ghoul is yet again distracted. More pain flares on his left, and he starts to feel lightheaded—and not because of Rain.

“As much as I’m enjoying this, Rainy, I believe I have to go,” Delta says with all but a clenched jaw, pulling away and out of the other’s arms.

“What? Why? Is something wrong?” he asks worriedly as the older ghoul stands up, heavily relying on his cane—he nearly falls back down with the first step he tries to take. Thankfully, Rain catches him midway. “Hey, are you okay? Delta, please tell me what’s going on.”

“I think I’m going into a sudden flare-up,” Delta sighs, as if that explains anything for the other, “help me get to the catacombs?”

Still, the water ghoul nods, trusting him, and adjusts his grip to properly support him. “Alright, let’s go.”

Neither of them says a word as they slowly make their way to the catacombs—Rain deciding not to pester the clearly in-pain ghoul with questions, and Delta unable to focus on walking and talking at the same time anymore.

Finally, they get to their destination and squeeze themselves through a tight passage behind an old, water-damaged cabinet. Rain takes in their surroundings: a falling apart shelving unit, a wooden stool, a mattress in a corner, some candles, and a few other—not quite spectacular—items. “Delta…this is where you’ve been living all this time?”

“Yes, I do realize I am in dire need of an interior designer,” the other jokes in a pathetic attempt to lighten the mood. He’s falling apart by the second.

“Lucifer, had I known I would have made you move into my room a long time ago,” Rain says, and he’s not exaggerating. Even though he’s spent most of his life living in literal Hell, how Delta hasn’t lost his mind in here is beyond him. He would take him to his room right now if not for the state he’s in.

His sentiment remains unanswered as the other all but collapses into what is supposed to be his nest with a grunt.

“Delta, what’s going on? I’ve never seen you like this.”

“That is because I never let you,” Delta chuckles, only to trail off into a pained groan. “It’s fine, Rain, you can go.”

He does not look even remotely convinced.

If only Delta had more strength in him to argue. He really doesn’t want Rain to see him in agony, as he is going to be soon. He will have no control over what he says when the hallucinations start, either, and he doesn’t particularly want Rain to listen to that. “It’s normal, I promise. Well, at least as normal as the whole…me is.”

“I’m staying, Delta,” Rain stands his ground, “just tell me how to help, what to do. Well, except for leaving.”

“You can’t really—” another wave of pain, “help. I think it’s the weather; storms cause this sometimes.”

Just when he finishes speaking, a loud thunder rumbles outside.

“That’s what I thought,” Delta sighs before immediately tensing and grimacing as more pain washes over him.

“Okay, I’m going to go only for a minute,” Rain mumbles hurriedly, getting increasingly upset by this entire ordeal; or rather, the lack of knowledge on what’s going on. The only idea he has is to do whatever he can to make Delta more comfortable, and that ‘nest’ of his is hurting the water ghoul’s eyes. “I’ll bring you some stuff for the nest, because there’s no way I’m letting you just lie in that.”

Delta opens his mouth to argue yet again, but Rain is gone before he can do that—and it is certain that he will come back just like he promised he would.

Instead, the older ghoul’s thoughts shift to the fact that he is being brought things for the nest. He is aware that courting traditions are currently the last thing on Rain’s mind, but it’s hard to ignore what it would have meant in different circumstances.

By the time the water ghoul is back, the storm has fully rolled in over them and Delta has gotten worse. He frowns as he sees the other writhing in pain and gasping as if struggling to breathe.

Rain runs over to him and surrounds him with the pillows and blankets he brought, but Delta isn’t even there anymore. Pain has fully taken over him and shoved his mind into some dark corner to protect him.

It’s horrible, but the water ghoul intends to keep his promise; he stays by Delta’s side, and despite his thrashing, holds his hand. A moment later, the ghoul’s own grip tightens to the point of digging his claws into the other’s skin.

Rain can’t hold back the tears that pool in his eyes, only to spill over and down his cheeks. He hates to see the man he loves in such a state; he hates that this was done to him, and he hates that he can’t do anything to help.

Minutes pass. The sounds of thunder outside lessen in frequency, but Delta doesn’t exactly get better as the storm rolls away. He stops getting hit with more pain every few seconds a while later, then he seems to regain control over his exhausted body—but it’s long before his mind comes back to him.

At one point, the fingers that were digging into Rain’s hand loosen and start working in a slow rhythm, as if to calm himself and get back in touch with reality.

Tap. Tap-tap-tap-tap. Tap-tap-tap.

Another while later, Delta turns his head and finally looks at Rain, instead of beyond him. He even opens his mouth to speak, giving the other hope that he’s coming back to him—only for that hope to go up in flames, as the moment of clarity turns out not to be one.

“Don’t cry, my wildfire.”

Feet don’t fail me now Take me to the finish line Oh, my heart it breaks every step that I take But I’m hoping that the gates, they’ll tell me that you’re mine

May 3rd, 2019

Delta has gotten much more comfortable spending time in the Den, though only in Rain’s bedroom, as he still does not want to be seen by anybody else, and the water ghoul can only make the rest of his pack keep the common spaces empty for so long.

But they are both alright with it, even laughing a bit about regularly sneaking Delta inside. Of course, the pack noticed a long time ago that something was going on with Rain and tried asking him about it, but he dutifully continues to keep the secret. He only told them he’s good—happier than ever, even—so that they need not worry, and asked them to respect his privacy.

Their worry hardly went away, but they see that Rain actually is happy, so they oblige and mind their business.

Now, Delta is lounging on Rain’s bed and exploring everything that he’s missed on the internet in the last two years through the water ghoul’s phone as he’s showering. More things that he would have thought have changed since Delta had a phone of his own, and many new ones appeared; though most of them concerning at best.

Either way, he’s enjoying it. His scrolling of TikTok gets interrupted by the door to the bathroom opening and Rain walking out.

“You have to see this video, it’s terribly…” Delta begins but trails off when he looks up at the other—with his skin still damp and wearing nothing but pajama shorts slung low on his hips. Delta nearly starts to salivate.

“Terribly what?” Rain asks, clueless as to just what his current state is doing to the older ghoul. He walks over to him to take a peek onto the screen, but the moment he leans down enough, Delta throws the phone away and steals a kiss. When they part, Rain giggles, “What was that for?”

“Do you not realize just how attractive you are?” Delta replies with a question of his own, making the water ghoul roll his eyes and chuckle. “Besides, you are leaving tomorrow, so I must get my fill for the next few months.”

“Fuck, I forgot,” Rain groans, his smile fading, “ugh.”

“It’s alright; you will have fun.”

“I’ll miss you.”

“I know.” Delta smirks teasingly before going in for another kiss, which the other is happy to reciprocate again. As it deepens, the older ghoul reaches out to place a hand on Rain’s waist, but with the awkwardness of him still lying down and Rain standing, it lands on his hip, and then slides even further down because of the slickness of his skin after the shower; Delta’s fingers accidentally go under the waistband of Rain’s pants.

But it doesn’t make the water ghoul falter, so the other doesn’t pull his hand back. If anything, their kiss becomes more heated, and soon enough they are truly all over each other.

Unknowingly to each other, they have both wanted things to escalate for quite some time.

Also unknowingly to each other, they have both thought about this a lot and it appears they have both gotten to the same conclusion—that Rain witnessing an ugly flare-up of Delta’s and staying with him through it was a step into the sphere of intimacy big enough to make sex seem like a chaste peck on the cheek. They are ghouls, after all—sex can be, and mostly is, but a pastime activity with no emotional ties attached. It’s actually somewhat rare, especially in the Pit, for it to be the opposite and carry meaning beyond simple pleasure.

As their breathing picks up, the water ghoul finally decides to properly get on the bed to hover over Delta and continue their sloppy make-out session. Neither of them finds the need to part long enough to say anything, but it’s not particularly needed anyway—now it is clear to both of them what direction they are heading in and that they both want it very much.

The older ghoul’s hands, that despite some difficulties on the way finally got to Rain’s waist, abandon it again soon enough in favor of the ass that Delta has been staring at quite passionately over the last few months; eager to get his hands on it.

It makes its owner chuckle, “Found something you like?”

“You have no idea,” Delta rumbles into his mouth and squeezes the ass in question for emphasis. The water ghoul hums and forgoes the other’s lips in favor of kissing down his jaw, then neck—frowning slightly as he gets to the thick, raised scars that used to be gills. Still, Rain continues his journey until he comes across an obstacle in the form of a shirt.

Delta notices the dismay it causes him, so he makes a move to get rid of it—the first time so eagerly, since getting the scars he finds so hideous over half of his body. Rain’s perception of them is considerably different, and he finds great pleasure in reverently tracing them with his lips down to the older ghoul’s belly button; even though that move rids Delta of the hold on his ass.

Rain stops down there, though, and looks up with doe eyes that make the other’s heart do a flip. “You wanna go on?”

“Absolutely I do,” Delta pants. “Do you?”

“Fuck yes,” the water ghoul laughs with sparks in his eyes, “Are you a top or a bottom?”

“I am anything you want me to be.”

Rain groans, “Fuck, you’re hot.”

He lets his head down to rest it on Delta’s lower stomach, but he perks back up after a moment, when he remembers there is a choice to be made.

“Can I…top, then?” he asks shyly.

The older ghoul smiles brightly and cups Rain’s face in his hands. “I would love for you to fuck me, Rainy.”

And that is his undoing.

He grabs the waistbands of both Delta’s sweatpants and underwear and slides them down his legs together, revealing the entirety of him before he gets rid of his own shorts, too.

It’s Rain’s turn to begin salivating; he stares down with hunger in his eyes at the ghoul laid out naked in his nest.

“Gorgeous,” he breathes out, while Delta fails to find any words worth uttering.

Before he does anything else, Rain gently grabs the other’s left leg and props it up on a higher pile of bedding, so as not to risk causing Delta pain. The action makes him fully exposed, but he feels no shame or discomfort.

It makes Rain lose another bit of his sanity, though, when he notices just how slick the older ghoul is.

“Lucifer, you still…”

Delta laughs at his confusion mixed with infatuation. “Indeed. Of all the water ghoul features, this is the one that ridiculously remained.”

Rain gulps, slowly drawing his hand up the other’s leg, with every second coming closer to where they both actually want it to be. “May I?”

“Please do,” Delta whispers breathlessly, and Rain’s fingers reach their destination. He manages to conceal the moan that tries to fight its way out of him, but the older ghoul does not hold back. He’s not sure if the other even realizes this is his first time having sex since losing Alpha.

And it feels so fucking good.

Delta quickly turns into nothing short of a mess as Rain puts his skilled fingers to work—by the time he deems him ready for more, the older ghoul is somewhere around the moon.

“Doin’ alright?” Rain asks, placing a little kiss on his knee. It gives him an idea, so he lowers his body further and begins trailing his lips up Delta’s thigh.

“More than alright,” he breathes. The water ghoul smirks and sits up to lean over the other to kiss him properly—and while Rain still tries to be a gentleman, Delta all but shoves his tongue down his throat.

Once again, time stops, and the entire world ceases to matter.

But they both get desperate after a moment; even though only Delta voices it, “Please, Rainy.”

How could Rain ever deny him anything?

He nods, smiling, and obliges.

Delta practically blacks out when Rain first pushes in because of how overwhelmingly good it feels. He hasn’t felt such ecstasy in years and has forgotten just how spectacular it is.

“Good?” the water ghoul checks in again, swinging between pride and worry every time Delta’s face contorts in a new sensation.

“Uh-huh,” he mumbles, so unlike his usual sophisticated and composed self. Now, he’s all but a puddle at Rain’s feet. For the first few minutes, he moves his hips gently, at a steady rhythm—both intending to give Delta time to adjust, and keeping himself in check against the truly glorious feeling of the older ghoul wrapped around him.

He feels so good; Rain is simply scared of blowing too quickly.

But while Delta is indeed enjoying this immensely, he was never that fond of fucking slow and steady.

“C’mon, Rainy, I am not as fragile as I seem,” he groans, smirking under the other ghoul; as if testing him, attempting to rile him up. Accepting the challenge—and likely damning himself in the process—Rain adds more force to his thrusts and, oh, is it worth it…if only for the sweet noises that spill from Delta’s lips.

Said noises gain in volume as they both approach the precipice—both yearning for that sweet release, but not too eager to bring this to an end. Still, it must come (pun intended) to such, and Delta’s stamina has…well, it is not what it used to be after so long.

He moans wantonly into Rain’s ear, and the way his name falls off of Delta’s lips makes it sound like a prayer, “Rain.”

He grunts, and the next thrust makes Delta fall off the edge, throwing his head back in a silent moan. Rain follows right behind at the feeling of the other coming around him.

He all but flops down, half on top of Delta with his face in the crook of his neck. Delta keeps his arms around the water ghoul as they lie together just like this, coming down from their respective highs. His fingers drum on the sweaty skin of Rain’s back in a consistent rhythm.

Tap. Tap-tap-tap-tap. Tap-tap-tap.

“That was pretty cool,” the water ghoul mumbles into Delta’s skin when he regains his breath, making the other snort.

“I agree,” he says, nuzzling his cheek into the side of Rain’s face. “We must do it again sometime.”

“We do.”

Neither of them really has anything more to say after that, nor do they want to move, so they simply don’t do either. Their breaths soon even out, and they fall into a deep, content sleep.

Delta does so with one thought on his mind: that yet again Rain made him feel more alive than he had in years.

Touch me, yeah I want you to touch me there Make me feel like I am breathing Feel like I am human, again

May 4th, 2019

Yet another time comes for Rain to leave—though this time is the first that he leaves as a ghoul with something more than a bed staying behind. Said something is currently occupying said bed as Rain packs, bustling about his room.

There is music playing in the background, and the longer Delta keeps quiet, the more Rain gets into it. It’s not long before he starts humming under his breath, and soon after that he’s swaying to the songs.

That is when Delta can no longer stay silent.

“Someone’s got them moves,” he teases with a crooked grin on his face. Rain turns to roll his eyes at him, but the ghoul’s pleased expression makes him forget he was supposed to feign annoyance.

“Dance with me?” he asks instead, giving in to the impulse.

It makes Delta scoff. “If you haven’t noticed, I’m a cripple. I won’t be any good.”

“Don’t need to be any good.” Rain shrugs as he abandons the shirt he’s been folding in favor of walking up to the other ghoul and offering his hand. “Come on. Please.”

He shakes his head, but with a smile, and sits up to fulfill Rain’s wish. As Delta lays his hand in the water ghoul’s, when they touch, his mind provides him with flashes of the previous night—skin on skin and breathless words. His chest tightens.

It was so satisfying in so many ways. Mainly physically, of course, but it also moved one more puzzle piece into place somewhere in both their souls. They feel different today, and yet nothing’s really changed.

That is exactly what makes Delta and Rain—together and separately—know that this is just right. All the doubts now tucked far away, because they know it in their minds and feel it in their hearts that this is exactly where they are supposed to be.

And here they are indeed, once again simply existing in a bubble just for the two of them; reality frozen.

It’s so good for a time—really fucking good, neither wants it to ever stop—but then when they both sway to the left, Delta’s knee buckles under him.

“Bloody hell,” he grumbles angrily under his breath, as Rain holds him up and keeps him from going down entirely. “I’m sorry, my leg…”

“Put it on mine,” the water ghoul says with no hesitation, earning himself a slightly weirded-out look from Delta. “C’mon, don’t be shy.”

“Stepping on your partner’s toes isn’t exactly a sign of good manners,” he chuckles.

“Thankfully, I don’t give a flying fuck about manners,” Rain laughs, and the glint in his eyes is what does it for Delta. He puts his bad leg onto the other’s foot, but not before pressing a kiss to his lips.

And they get back to it like nothing happened, save for the songs turning slower. It prompts Rain to lean down and lay his head on Delta’s shoulder—somewhat awkwardly.

“I don’t want to go,” he sighs after a few moments of silent rocking from side to side.

“Yes, you do,” the other counters, forcing it to sound confident, but there is a tinge of sadness to it, too. “Surely you remember how big this run is? You’re opening for Metallica, they’re one of my favorite bands, then get a holiday—the Cardinal is truly spoiling you; never before did any ghouls get that—and then there is your own tour. That is terribly exciting, is it not?”

“I guess,” Rain mumbles, sounding entirely like a pouty kit, and Delta feels as if his heart is about to break in half, “but it’s so long away from home. From you.”

“When did you become so clingy, hm?” he teases, trying so hard to keep his composure; hiding the cracks in it with humor. The truth is, he doesn’t want him to go either, but it would be selfish of Delta to admit it. “It will be alright, the time will pass by really fast for you, I assure you. You will be back here before you know it.”

“Will it go fast for you? All alone here again?”

“No,” Delta sighs, unwilling to lie directly. “No, it will not, but it will be much more pleasant than usual simply because there will be something for me to wait for. And that is all I need to know.”

That makes Rain lift his head and break out into a wide grin. The other breathes in relief—mission accomplished.

“I love you,” the water ghoul mumbles, leaning in to kiss the words onto Delta’s lips. They take their time enjoying the moment with the music still filling the surrounding space; only adding to the memory it will become and further sealing it in both their minds.

Rain is the one to put it on hold again—of course—as something suddenly comes to his mind, “Oh, and just to be clear, you have permission to get in and sleep or just stay here any time you want, yeah?”

“I just might. When I start missing your scent,” Delta says, inhaling some of said scent for emphasis. It really is a beautiful thing that tethers him; petrichor with a subtle hint of something sweet, floral.

“That’s lovely, but I’m serious. Don’t rot down there if you don’t have to, this place will be totally empty so nobody will catch you,” Rain argues and even utilizes his best puppy eyes—they’re more than enough to have Delta cracking, but the other adds the final nail in the casket, anyway. “Please, if not for yourself, then for me.”

Delta sighs in defeat. “Alright. You have my word.”

“Thank you,” Rain grins before leaning in for a quick peck. “I love you.”

“Manipulator,” he chuckles, but gently holds the back of the other’s head to keep him from moving away. He steals a few more kisses before he lets go. “Now get back to packing or you’ll run out of time again.”

“Maybe they would actually leave without their bassist if I didn’t show…”

“Rain.”

“Fine, fine,” he rolls his eyes with a pout, “but I’ll get more kisses before I go?”

“As many as you want.”

My body is a cage That keeps me from dancing with the one I love But my mind holds the key

March 22nd, 2019

Delta can’t know whether Rain wants to see him after returning from tour or not. Just to be safe, he assumes the latter, but climbs the stairs to the bell tower to watch him anyway—if only to punish himself.

He can’t not watch him; he’s missed him more than he cares to admit.

With his hood pulled up against the pouring rain that the remains of the tower don’t protect him from, Delta watches the bus pull up and two ghouls get off of it.

Rain is the third one outside, worrying Delta with how he seems in a frenzy: looking around and then running inside, his luggage abandoned.

Suddenly forgetting everything about boundaries and his decision to stay away, Delta gets up with a groan and turns to leave the tower, wanting to find Rain and make sure he’s okay. He can leave him be again after that, but he needs to know if he’s alright first.

The incident from two months ago has filled Delta with yet another kind of worry for Rain. He claimed not to be suicidal, but with what’s happened it’s not exactly easy to believe. Delta would not have forgiven himself if the other had died that night; he feels responsible for his breakdown.

As Delta finally reaches the bottom of the stairs—miraculously not slipping on any—he comes across Rain, out of breath and nearly about to collapse before him from how fast he’s just run here.

“I don’t care if you’re dying,” he pants out, “I mean, of course I care, I don’t want you to die, but it’s not going to stop me from…from loving you.”

Delta remains silent, with his mouth agape in shock not only at the other’s words, but his state. When Rain gets more stable on his feet again, he comes closer. Despite the rain still pouring down onto both of them, he reaches up to Delta’s hood and pulls it back.

“Because I do; I love you, Delta,” Rain continues as he grabs the other’s mask next and gently takes it off, too. “And I want you to spend however much time you have left with me. Don’t punish yourself for something you couldn’t stop and instead allow yourself some joy before you…before you go back to the Pit.”

With Delta still not saying a word, Rain lets the mask fall to the ground, instead bringing both his hands to the other’s face. The older ghoul shudders at his touch.

Rain knows he’s taking the risk for the second time, but his confession would not be complete without it. He will accept rejection again if he must, but he will hate himself for it less than he would for not trying once more.

He pulls the strands of wet hair away from Delta’s face and leans in to kiss him in a way that carries more meaning than anything he could ever say.

With Rain’s lips moving against his, Delta’s walls collapse and every decision he’s made about letting the other go fades away from his mind. This time he drops his cane, wraps his arms around Rain’s neck, and kisses him back.

Rain feels like he could cry with joy.

Delta does cry, though the rain washes his tears away just as quickly as they come. As they hold each other close, as their bodies communicate for them, he finds himself believing that they can do this, that whatever heartbreak will come later will be worth moments like these, that he does deserve happiness before he runs out of time. Delta cries with the feeling of warmth, of coming home, of hope. Grief already, too, but he forces himself to put that one away for later.

Right now he is alive in every sense of the word.

When they part for breath, Rain leans down and buries his face in the crook of Delta’s neck. Neither of them knows—or cares—how long they stay engulfed in each other for, but all the wetness and cold finally get to them.

“Okay, Delta, I really do love you, and this is adorably romcom of us, but can we get back inside now? There’s water in my Converse…” Rain laughs, stomping his feet in the puddle they’re standing in to emphasize his point.

“Who would have thought, huh?” Delta teases. “I’m soaked through, too, so yes, let’s go.”

The water ghoul grins and pulls away. He bends down to pick Delta’s mask and cane up and hands them to him, but the other only grabs the latter.

“Hold onto the mask for me,” he winks, “will you?”

When Delta pulls his hood back up, it’s only with the intention of shielding him from the rain, not Rain.

The water ghoul doesn’t stop smiling as he nods. He takes Delta’s hand and gently tugs him along to get out of that tower and inside. They both laugh at the sound of all the water dripping off of them when they walk through the Abbey’s corridors.

They don’t come across a soul on their way, but Delta grows doubtful when they approach the Den. Rain knows, of course.

“I’m sure everyone is dead asleep by now,” he says when they stop before the Den’s doors. “And you already know we only have to pass one room to get to mine.”

“I do.” Delta smiles at him. “Let’s go.”

So go they do and, indeed, the coast is clear. When they get into Rain’s room, he flips the lock and shudders. “Alright, first of all, a warm shower for you.”

“Hm, I can’t deny it would be nice,” Delta admits as he stands a little awkwardly in the middle of the room, dripping onto the floor and creating a puddle.

“Not ‘would’, ‘will’,” Rain rolls his eyes playfully, turning to his closet. He fishes out pajama shorts and an oversized t-shirt and hands them to Delta. “The towels are in the second cabinet on the left. Go, I’ll clean up here in the meantime.”

The other can’t find it in himself to argue. It looks as if Rain is enjoying this subtle form of taking care of him, so Delta obliges and turns to the bathroom with a soft smile on his face.

In the meantime—unable to stop smiling—Rain gets most of the wet clothes off of himself, wipes the floor, and readies the bed. He thinks that considering they’ve already slept in this exact bed together, it would be even more appropriate to do so tonight.

His stomach definitely does not do a flip when Delta comes out of the bathroom dressed in his clothes. And it does not do a flip even harder when the other smiles at him wide enough to pull at the scars on his face in a way that Rain adores so much.

He can’t help but walk up to Delta, gently take his face in his hands and kiss the left corner of his lips, then with his own trail upward until he gets to the older ghoul’s forehead.

When he pulls back, both of them are blushing down to their necks—they both ignore it.

“My turn,” Rain says before going to take a shower himself; he’s freezing. When the bathroom door closes behind him, Delta lets out a breath he didn’t realize he was holding. He looks around and down at himself.

“What the fuck…” he mumbles to himself, only to let out an uncontrollable giggle a moment after. Unable to wrap his mind around anything, he crawls into Rain’s nest to wait for him; only because he seems to have just gotten it ready for them. Besides, Delta’s already been invited into it.

Rain comes back out soon enough, looking more relaxed, and joins the other on the bed.

“Comfy?” he asks, laying on his side and burying himself deep under the covers.

Delta mirrors his position on the other side of the bed. “Very much.”

And even though he doesn’t feel tired—well, except for the bone-deep exhaustion that hasn’t left him since the failed experiment, but even that seems to have dulled tonight—Delta turns off the light without asking for permission and settles back down with a sigh. Rain still seems to be pretty much euphoric, but the older ghoul sees how tired he is under all of it, so he calls it. “Goodnight, Rainy.”

“Rainy?” He blushes a little at the pet name that slipped out of Delta’s mouth without him even realizing it.

“Oh, uh—sorry? I won’t use it again if you don’t—”

“I like it, it’s cute,” he giggles. “You’ve been holding it in for a while, haven’t you?”

“As a matter of fact, I have,” Delta chuckles before snuggling in closer and putting his hand against Rain’s chest, right over his heart. “As I have this.”

He furrows his brow in slight confusion. “Feeling my heartbeat?”

“Don’t make it sound so strange. I’ve had nothing but cold and decay in my life for the past two years, and now…I get this warmth and joy. I get you. You make me feel alive, Rainy.”

“You could’ve had me earlier, you know,” the water ghoul smiles softly—tiredly. He puts his own hand over Delta’s and intertwines their fingers, still over his heart. “I’ve been pretty much yours since the day we met.”

“No. No, I couldn’t have.”

And the arms of the ocean are carrying me And all this devotion was rushing out of me And the crashes are heaven for a sinner like me But the arms of the ocean delivered me

March 23rd, 2019

Falling in love with Rain was much easier than Delta would like to admit.

He showed up out of nowhere like a light in the darkness that has been gradually swallowing Delta up for years. He has never realized just how painful nothingness can be, how it drives crazy.

Every day felt more as if he were about to implode than the previous one. It didn’t take long at all for Delta to start wishing he had died after the experiment—to start thinking about finishing the job himself.

And oh, did he think about it. Did he…

Truth be told, he’s even attempted it. More than once. The first time he wasn’t fully aware of it, but with his mind clear again in the days after, he realized what nearly happened. How close to death he really was.

And how he didn’t mind it. Regretted it not working, even.

Later he tried two more times, but after three failures altogether he stopped. He could never figure out why he woke up again those three times, what went wrong. He figured it out after a while of lonely pondering and would probably never admit it to anyone.

The answer was that he never fully wanted to go.

Then, Delta had to unpack why he never fully wanted to go. He had nothing left on Earth, nothing to stay there for, so what was it?

He’s still not sure about the answer to that one, but he supposes it’s the lack of certainty of what comes after.

The thing is that when ghouls die Topside or get sent back, they reappear in the Pit in their true form in the exact same place they got summoned from. But when they die in Hell—only possible at another’s hands as there are no natural causes that could kill a ghoul down there—they disintegrate. They simply turn into ash that gets carried away by the wind. They disappear forever.

Except, getting onto Earth from Hell and vice versa is extremely exhausting. With what Delta went through, he simply couldn’t know whether he would end up back in his true form or disintegrate and cease to exist. That thought scares him.

How human.

He tries not to think about what awaits him too often, but when he finds himself unable to keep said thoughts at bay, even nowadays, sometimes he wishes he had succeeded. Though that doesn’t happen nearly as frequently as it used to since meeting Rain.

Also right now it’s Rain that pauses Delta’s deep considerations as he wakes up to fingers dancing over the skin of his stomach.

He’s sprawled out over most of the nest while the other is tucked into his side with his head resting on Rain’s chest, listening in to his steady heartbeat—both of them clearly having shifted closer to each other as they slept. Lost in thought for a while, Delta has been going up and down Rain’s torso with a hand, drumming his fingers in a simple rhythm that follows the one of his heart.

“Good morning,” he rumbles. “Slept well, I assume.”

Rain lets out a long groan as he comes to, slowly blinking his sleepy eyes open. “Why?”

“Because you’ve been asleep for…” Delta turns to look at the clock on the nightstand, then at the other ghoul, “thirteen hours.”

“Oh, Lucifer,” Rain mumbles before erupting into a giggle, “sorry.”

“No need, I’m glad you got the rest you needed,” the other promises, smiling at him softly. Delta doesn’t stop his tapping as they simply stare at each other in silence—in admiration, with longing, and many other emotions that neither of them can really describe.

Rain nearly falls asleep again under Delta’s delicate fingertips and his gaze, only snapping back to full awareness when the older ghoul snickers. “What?”

“Nothing,” he shakes his head, “except for you being terribly adorable.”

The water ghoul rolls his eyes at the statement and, ignoring it, finally stretches. He moans as his body comes back online—joints popping—after thirteen hours of slumber.

“Anyway, do you want to go get breakfast? I know my entire pack is around, but I really want to make something for you,” he asks despite already knowing the answer he will receive.

“I…I’m sorry, but I’m not ready,” Delta sighs, looking away; as predicted. “I really would enjoy it, but I cannot face anyone else.”

“It’s alright, I understand,” Rain says with a little smile—Delta could just about melt. Meanwhile, the water ghoul’s thoughts trail off, and he gets an idea. “You know what? Let me plan something. I will make it safe for you, I promise, but just trust me, okay?”

“A surprise, hm?” Delta can’t help but smile once again. “And I do trust you, of course.”

“Think of it like…a date. If you’d like.”

“Indeed, I would. Will you at least allow me the knowledge of what the dress code will be? You know, so I can go browse my sizable closet for hours to pick the best option.”

“For you, the dress code can be nothing at all for all I care,” Rain says, before realizing the ambiguity. “Actually, I wouldn’t mind him that, but if you want to know, I will wear something nice.”

Delta laughs, “Secretive and flirty. Color me intrigued.”

The water ghoul’s smile grows into a grin. He rises on his arms and shifts to hover above Delta, who turns to lie fully on his back. Rain says nothing as he leans down to place a kiss on the other’s forehead, then his nose, then—finally—his lips.

Delta deepens the kiss, sighing into it and letting the reality around fall apart until it’s nothing but them that remains in the world. It lasts forever, yet ends so quickly.

“I take it you like the idea,” Rain says matter-of-factly with pride painted on his face.

The older ghoul snorts, “This could convince me to do many things. But either way, I like the idea very much.”

“Good,” Rain concludes with one more little kiss. “I’ll let you know when; I need to plan it well.”

Delta cranes his neck to steal yet another peck. “I cannot wait.”

And I’d sing a song that’d be just ours But I sang ‘em all to another heart And I wanna cry, I wanna learn to love But all my tears have been used up

March 30th, 2019

Just like Rain had promised, he’s carefully planned a date that wouldn’t put Delta at risk of being seen by anyone else.

He’s been bustling about in the kitchen since midday. He’s excited, but also very anxious—not about whether he can pull it off, because he knows he will, but about whether Delta will appreciate it and, most importantly, have a good time.

Hours of the day pass, and just as Rain is taking out the plates, his phone rings—an alarm he set earlier so as not to miss the time he’s supposed to go get Delta. That would be horrendously embarrassing.

He sets everything down, smooths down the black button-up shirt he’s wearing, and heads out of the kitchen and the commons. As he goes, he shoots a previously discussed code message to his pack’s group chat and immediately receives thumbs-up emojis from them all. He’s more grateful to them for agreeing to this than they realize.

The moment the water ghoul walks through the Den’s door, he hears Delta’s cane against the floor—it makes him smile. When he comes out of the shadows, Rain’s jaw drops.

Literally.

Delta shows up in a white dress shirt and a dark blue waistcoat; no mask in sight. His hair is smoothed out and slicked back, so even with how dry and damaged it is, it’s cascading down the ghoul’s back and shoulders in a way Rain finds nearly hypnotizing.

“Cat got your tongue, Rainy?” Delta teases with a smirk, and the water ghoul feels faint.

“No, uh…uhm—” he’s trying really hard to regain his composure, but he’s failing miserably. Finally, he spits out the only coherent thing that comes to his mind, “Where did you get a suit?”

“To be completely truthful, I stole it,” the older ghoul laughs, shrugging. “Do you mind?”

“Lucifer, no,” Rain all but yells in opposition. He feels as if he’s going to blow up. Logically, he knows it’s the same Delta before him, but with his outfit being something else than an old, loose, dirty cassock that always seemed to weigh him down, it’s almost as if it’s somebody else. A thought crosses Rain’s mind—maybe this is his insight into what Delta used to be before his tortures. “You look amazing.”

“Not so bad yourself,” he chuckles. “Now, is it time I find out what your grandeur plan is?”

“Well, first we are going to have dinner,” the water ghoul starts, slowly getting his mind back, “and then we’ll watch a movie. Not very grandeur, but the point is that we’ll have the commons all to ourselves. My pack doesn’t know anything about you, but they’re on board and won’t wander around when they shouldn’t. They didn’t mind doing it for me for one evening.”

Something so simple, and yet it renders Delta speechless.

“That’s…really thoughtful,” he says after a moment, but he doesn’t think it properly conveys how it has made him feel. “Thank you so much.”

“It’s really nothing,” Rain replies dismissively before offering the other his arm. “Let’s go?”

Delta takes the invitation with a small but bright smile, and the two get into the Den. This time, instead of quickly diving into Rain’s bedroom, they walk to the very end of the long corridor and into the common room. Its doors are rarely moved, but this time the water ghoul closes both wings behind them and flips the lock.

After that, he sends another text to the group chat to announce that the others are now free to walk around through the corridor. He then turns back to his date, only to see him by the TV—or more precisely, the picture-covered wall.

“I need a moment to get the food,” he announces. “Just hang around, I’ll be right back.”

Delta turns halfway and nods, so Rain disappears into the kitchen. When he comes out again, carrying two steaming plates, he catches the other right where he left him: by the wall covered in pictures.

“Hey, are you okay?” he asks, not having considered before that the setting most likely would get the ghoul emotional. He hopes it’s not too upsetting.

“Yes, quite alright,” Delta replies quickly, getting snapped out of his contemplation. “Would you come over for a second?”

Rain sets their food down on the table and obliges, putting a hand on the small of Delta’s back as he joins him in front of the wall.

“So this—” the older ghoul points at the photo well known to Rain already, “you know is me with Alpha and Omega. Did you find me anywhere else?”

He hums, looking around. He suddenly realizes, surprised with himself, that he’s never looked for Delta beyond that one picture.

“This one?” Rain asks, finding one he thinks might have the other in it.

“Indeed, with Pebble,” Delta confirms. “You could say he was my best friend. We used to spend a lot of time in the woods; he taught me how never to get lost. Look for more.”

The water ghoul obliges and soon finds another one. “Here, with Alpha. Right?”

“Yes, he loved to tease me on stage like this, to see if he could get my resolve to break.”

“Could he?”

“Oh, every time,” the other laughs, rolling his eyes—or rather one eye, as the injured one is not at all functional, “but I rarely let him notice.”

Rain grins; he really likes this opportunity to learn about more pieces of Delta’s old life.

“Look further,” Delta tells him. “I am enjoying myself.”

“Ah, that one!” the water ghoul exclaims after a moment, having found another one. “I’ve no idea how I missed it; you look smoking hot here!”

“Why, thank you,” Delta laughs, bowing his head slightly.

“In the middle here, too, right?”

“We made splendid advertisers if you ask me. Though I must admit I did not particularly like these strings. Nice and bright sound, yes, but they just did not feel right under my fingers. And they wore down fast, but that was not an issue on tour, of course.”

“Fake advertising? Not very noble,” Rain tuts playfully, making the other scoff. The next picture he hangs his eyes on makes him scrunch up his brows. “Wait, is that from…the Grammys?”

“It is.”

“So you’re telling me you’ve been to the Grammys?” Rain asks, slightly wide-eyed.

“Terzo enjoyed showing us off,” Delta says smugly with an attempt at a wink. “We did look pretty…epic. No?”

“Yeah, that’s crazy!”

“It was pretty surreal, indeed,” he acknowledges, smirking; though there is a distinct shadow of sadness to it. Delta misses these moments, these people…and himself from that time.

Rain finds a few more photos with the other in them, and he tells him all about each one, but soon the water ghoul remembers about the food that’s going cold on the table behind them.

“I’m not bad a cook, but I’m not exactly a genius either,” he says as they finally sit down to eat; not that he’s complaining about getting to learn some of Delta’s history in pictures. “When I was summoned, Dew taught me that anything you cook rice over can be a risotto, and it sounds fancy so…here’s my version. Salmon with some veggies.”

“It certainly smells and looks delicious,” Delta compliments.

Rain sends him a smile. “Enjoy.”

So, the older ghoul forks some of the rice and brings it to his mouth. Rain watches him anxiously—attempting to be stealthy, but failing. As Delta chews, his eyes nearly roll back into his head.

“Oh, it is delicious,” he mumbles before devouring another spoonful. “Rainy, I’m—this is fantastic.”

“I’m glad,” the water ghoul replies with a grin, allowing himself to eat, too.

When both their plates are empty, Rain stands up to carry them to the kitchen. Getting back, he walks up to Delta and offers him his hand. “Couch time?”

“Yes, I think I need to lie down with how full I am,” Delta jokes, patting his stomach before taking Rain’s hand. He’s not exaggerating in the slightest—it’s been literally years since he’s eaten so well. “Thank you for the meal.”

“There’s dessert, too, but I think that’s for later,” Rain chuckles and brings the other over to the couch. Once again, Delta’s eyes sting when he notices there is a footrest set up there, off to the left from the middle.

They both sit down and settle against each other. The older ghoul chirps raspily as Rain brings an arm around him, inviting Delta to rest his head on his shoulder. “Anything in particular you’d like to watch?”

“Dealer’s choice,” Delta mutters, feeling warm inside from all the softness—the low rumble that should turn into a purr vibrates in his chest, but he hadn’t been able to let it sound properly since the experiment. As for the pain in his left leg and arm and the tension on the side of his face, he ignores them all. He really is just…happy. “Although maybe something from the last two years? I didn’t exactly have many opportunities to stay up to date with pop-culture.”

“Gotcha.” The water ghoul nods and starts fumbling with the remote. He takes a while—mostly browsing the streaming service’s dashboard—and in the meantime Delta’s thoughts run away from him again. After a moment of silence, he feels the need to voice them.

“Listen, Rainy,” he starts quietly, “can I try to explain something?”

“Yeah, of course.”

“Okay,” Delta sighs. Rain feels the tension; he presses a kiss to the other’s forehead in gentle encouragement and reassurance. “Everyone, at least at one point in their life, is somebody. I don’t mean just existing, I mean…meaning something. To be somebody, you need to mean something. For most people, it’s just…making a change, leaving a mark, and those who get lucky leave this world as somebody. Others do not; they…they lose what used to make them, at some point. And when you’re nobody, when you mean nothing for a long while…it’s really hard to believe you still have a chance to die a somebody. Do you know what I mean?”

“I…I think I know where you’re going, but—”

“I mean that I’m trying to let you make me a somebody again, but it’s difficult, so just…please don’t give up on me?” the older ghoul concludes quickly, as if he’s afraid he won’t be able to finish if he takes a moment to breathe.

“Oh, Delta…” Rain sighs, blinking away the tears that have pooled in his eyes. He tightens his arm around the other, bringing him closer; wanting to protect him from the world and his own mind at all costs. “The difference between you and me is that you have been a somebody to me from the day I was summoned. To me, it’s not a fight; I don’t have to try. So no, I will never give up on you.”

“Thank you,” is all Delta can mumble out as he hides in the crook of the other’s neck.

My conscience burning My eyes are too Cuddled up with a heart condemned I should love you and I swear I do

I know the picture thing is a little bit silly, but when I was looking for inspiration for that scene and started working on describing them all, I thought that attaching them might be more fun. So, here.

January 10th, 2019

Omega jumps at the door to the infirmary bursting open with a loud noise, followed by the sound of rushed footsteps and worried voices early in the morning. The quintessence ghoul runs out of his office and toward the commotion, gasping at the image of Mountain carrying Rain—unconscious and frozen.

“How long has he been outside?” he asks, immediately jumping into action as Mountain lays Rain on the first empty bed.

“We don’t know,” Swiss, who came in with the other two, says. “Nobody’s seen him since yesterday, but he couldn’t have gone outside earlier than four hours ago.”

“If that’s the worst-case scenario, that’s what we’re assuming,” Omega mumbles as he’s hooking Rain up to different machines and an IV.

“That’s not the only problem, though,” the earth ghoul adds. “I found an empty bottle of those strong migraine painkillers in the kitchen, the ones you gave Dew a while back, a rel-something. There were at least ten or so left yesterday evening.”

Omega swears under his breath.

“What?” Swiss pales a little. “How bad is that?”

“That was eletriptan. The maximum dose for humans is eighty milligrams, so for us it’s around one fifty. Those pills were twenty each,” Omega explains before disappearing somewhere for a moment; Mountain and Swiss stare at each other with wide eyes.

“So that’s…” the multi ghoul starts.

“Two hundred,” Mountain finishes for him, sighing, “assuming he took ten, there could’ve been more.”

Omega returns then with more stuff and tends to Rain as the other two try not to break down.

“It’s not good, but it could have been worse,” he says. “Does the rest of the pack know what happened?”

“No,” Swiss replies a little shakily, “should we…get them?”

“Tell them about it, but only get Aether in here for now; I could use his help.”

“I’ll go,” Mountain mumbles and immediately turns to the door, not giving Swiss a chance to volunteer.

“You should go, too,” Omega tells him. “It’ll be okay, but your pacing won’t speed it up. Go back to the Den and wait with everyone.”

“But—”

“Go, Swiss. He’ll be alright, and I’ll let you know as soon as he wakes up.” The multi ghoul nods and leaves as well. The quintessence ghoul sighs once he’s gone and keeps himself calm as he does his job to make sure Rain stays Topside. He has no doubts that he will at least, so he really meant it when he told the others not to worry too much.

A few moments later, Aether comes in and takes on warming Rain up while Omega monitors him and stimulates his system with quintessence to work through the medication he took. An hour and a half after the water ghoul was brought in, he wakes up.

Fifteen minutes later, the entire pack stumbles into the infirmary. They surround him and start asking questions and cooing over him—all except for Swiss and Mountain, the ones who found him. The water ghoul may not realize it, but seeing him like that, not knowing whether he’d survive, and speculating on what his intentions were, took a toll on the two.

Everyone else’s overbearingness, on the other hand, is making Rain very annoyed.

“Will you please just leave it alone?” he groans at one point. “I love you all, but right now you’re about to make my head explode.”

“I do think it’s enough for a visit for today,” Omega chimes in, saving Rain. Some of the pack mumble something in protest, but in the end they all oblige and leave for now.

Finally having some peace, Rain sighs, “Can I just go back to my room, too, and get some sleep?”

“Oh, no,” the quintessence ghoul says with a raised eyebrow, “you’re staying here for at least twenty-four hours.”

“What? Why?” he questions.

“For observation. Both for your physical and mental health.”

“Oh, for fuck’s sake,” Rain grumbles, rolling his eyes. “Suicide watch, really? I was not trying to kill myself; I didn’t even know we could kill ourselves up here!”

Omega seems to be amused by the water ghoul struggling to make sense of something so obvious; he chuckles, “Well, that’s not what it looked like and it’s my call, so get comfy.”

Rain lets out an animalistic grunt and makes a point of dramatically sagging in his bed to emphasize his displeasure. He knows he’s not winning this one, so he might as well try to rest here.

After checking Rain’s vitals and writing something on his tacky clipboard, Omega also leaves him be. He dims the light on his way out, but it doesn’t particularly help the water ghoul, who’s feeling far from comfortable with the smell and sounds of the infirmary.

He’s still wide awake a while later, late at night, when the door cracks open and a masked figure slips inside and makes his way over to the bed.

“If you’re here to scold me, I’ve got enough for one day,” Rain grumbles, rolling his eyes.

“I am not,” Delta says as he takes his mask off. “I am here to apologize. Among others, but I’ll leave the scolding for another day.”

“It’s alright, I overreacted and—”

“No, let me,” he interrupts Rain. He covers the water ghoul’s hand with his own on the bed and attempts to conceal the shiver that it causes; he doesn’t think he will ever truly get used to touch again. “This is neither the time nor place to explain everything, especially my feelings, as that is something I’m still not fully understanding myself, but I was undeniably in the wrong keeping something as important from you. I understand why it made you feel the way it did, and I am sorry.”

“I get it,” Rain says with a small smile, and it’s genuine. “I’m not upset with you anymore. I understand it’s hard for you; I really do, so no apology necessary.”

“Still, I wanted to give it.” Delta returns the smile, which pulls on his facial scars. The water ghoul finds it beautiful. “How are you feeling besides that?”

“I feel fine, just wanna go home,” Rain mumbles and scrunches up his nose, “it stinks in here.”

“You took a dozen pills and went outside into a blizzard barely clothed,” Delta points out, as if the other has forgotten, though it’s with a slight chuckle. “Are you surprised Omega is keeping you here?”

“I suppose not, but I can—and will—be annoyed all the same.”

“In that case, are you up for company while you’re sitting here in your annoyance?” the ghoul asks with a chuckle. He has to all but bite his tongue not to call Rain cute out loud.

The water ghoul furrows his brows. “What do you mean, what if someone sees you?”

“It’s only Omega here.”

“What if Omega sees you?”

“He…uh, he knows, Rain,” Delta mumbles, hanging his head to hide behind his hair. Another thing he’s kept from the other is discovered just after he’s apologized for exactly that. “He knows I’m still alive; he’s the only one besides you. We’re not exactly on good terms nowadays, but he’s even been helping me a little, here and there.”

He can see the gears turning in the water ghoul’s brain. “He knows you’re alive?”

“He does. He’s the one who—”

“Told you that you’re dying,” Rain finishes for him; not a question. The other nods with a grimace on his scarred face. Neither of them finds anything to be said after that, causing silence to envelop them.

Only when the water ghoul’s eyelids get heavy and Delta notices that he’s fighting falling asleep does he speak.

“Get some sleep, Rain,” he whispers to the already only half-conscious ghoul. It’s only that that makes him brave enough to pull Rain’s blanket up higher, tuck him in, and gently move the hair out of his face. “I’ll be right here.”

As Rain’s breath evens out, Delta remains by his side. He knows he’s being watched, so he isn’t surprised when he hears a voice right behind him; he turns around to face Omega.

“I haven’t seen you in a while,” the quintessence ghoul mutters, “you look…”

“Don’t go there, old man,” Delta scoffs before looking down at Rain again. “Is he going to be alright?”

“Yeah, he is.” Omega nods and walks around the bed. “Didn’t know you two knew each other.”

“You know I can’t resist a pretty and feisty brunette,” he says pointedly, as if it’s supposed to…hurt.

The other hums, “Now that I think about it, Rain does look suspiciously like a water version of—”

“Don’t. Just don’t,” Delta stops him. “I can’t handle talking about him with you. Not with you. And it’s not true. Rain is just Rain.”

“I miss him too, you know?” The quintessence ghoul ignores the other’s plea; already sounding frustrated by it. “And I miss you. Alpha’s not the only one who left me.”

“He didn’t leave you!” Delta nearly yells, only keeping himself in check because of Rain. “He didn’t leave us, he…they took him from us, Omega. From me. And I couldn’t stay up here and pretend they did not.”

“We should have been there for each other.”

“What we should have done is burned this entire bloody building to the fucking ground,” the smaller ghoul growls. The cracked claws of his left hand are now digging into the mattress of Rain’s bed.

“Funny,” Omega scoffs, “that’s what he said as they were dragging him to the catacombs.”

“And you stood there and watched,” Delta says coldly, desperately wanting Omega to walk away and end this conversation before he buries his teeth in his neck and rips his throat out. “Just like you stood there and watched me getting mutilated. I suppose it did earn you one cozy spot.”

“I lost a lot, too.”

“Oh, fuck you!” he finally snaps, raising his voice much higher than he intended. “I lost everything, Omega! Everything. Don’t you dare compare us.”

All the noise finally makes Rain stir on the bed between them. Delta takes a deep breath and regains his composure.

“He was my mate. His absence is more painful than the absence of water in me, than everything else. All that happened made me a ruin, but it’s him I miss the most. Rarely do I think of revenge anymore, but when I do, it’s for him. Never myself, I got over that. I’ll say it one more time and never again: you would not be here like this if you truly cared as much as you claim to.”

Delta hides his face in his hands and tries to breathe through the wave of nausea that suddenly hit him. When he gets himself together again, he asks, “Does…does he still not know I survived?”

“No,” Omega sighs, knowing right away what, and most importantly who, Delta is talking about. “I gave you my word he wouldn’t find out, and I intend to keep it, even with you so mad at me.”

Delta opens his mouth to snap back again, but he takes a look at Rain’s sleeping face and instead gets up.

“Let him go tomorrow,” he says. “I’ll take care of him.”

The quintessence ghoul hums. “Will he take care of you?”

Without replying, Delta grabs his cane and turns to the door. Just as he turns the knob, Omega calls out after him one more time. “Good seeing you, Delta.”

“Have a good life up here, Megs.”

We fight every night for something When the sun sets, we’re both the same Half in the shadows Half burned in flames

January 11th, 2019

“Can you tell me why you took that much medication?”

Rain sighs, very much not wanting to talk about it. But what he does want is to get out of the infirmary, and to reach that goal he, apparently, needs to talk. “I didn’t even know I did it, let alone why. I—my mind was somewhere else. I didn’t mean anything by it; I wasn’t trying to kill myself. I already said I didn’t even know that’s how it works.”

“Okay, that’s alright,” Omega replies in that calm, but detached voice, talking to him as if he’s fragile. Rain hates it. “Do you know why you went outside not dressed properly? You must have known it wasn’t a good idea.”

“I didn’t. Like I’m saying, I wasn’t thinking at all,” Rain repeats himself for what feels like a hundredth time. “My body just went; my brain had nothing to do with it.”

“I understand. Is it the first time that you've experienced something like this? Your mind detaching?”

“The first time so bad,” the water ghoul admits truthfully. “It doesn’t happen often, it’s usually when I’m stressed. I just zone out a little. I’ve never done anything dangerous before.”

“Alright, good,” Omega hums, writing something down. “Well, strong emotions can cause people to dissociate, and unless it happens frequently or lasts a long time, you’re okay. I’ll let you go now, but I want you to promise me you will ask someone for help next time you start feeling out of it. Okay?”

“Yeah, I promise,” Rain says, mostly just so he can go home. He’s itchy and his back hurts from the bed and he can’t stop frowning because of the sterile scent of the room.

“If it becomes a common occurrence, we can try some medication,” the quintessence ghoul continues; the other couldn’t care less. “There isn’t anything strictly for dissociation or derealization, but symptoms around them, which can still help a lot. So just come to me if that’s the case.”

“I will, thank you,” he mumbles once again. He wants to ask if he can go now, but he feels it will be less suspicious if he waits for Omega to tell him himself.

“Good, in that case we’re all done here,” he announces, getting up from the chair next to Rain’s bed. Finally. “Go get some food in you, Rain.”

The water ghoul sends him a fake crooked smile before climbing off the bed, putting on his shoes and heading straight to the door. He makes a beeline for the Den, ignoring pretty much everything on his way.

Except for one thing, when he reaches the staircase—Rain feels his presence long before he sees him.

“I hope you did not lie your way out of there,” Delta rumbles, coming out from under the stairs as he does; the water ghoul wonders how much of it is purely for the dramatic visual effect of emerging from the shadows like this.

“I guess you’ll never know,” Rain snaps back, before he realizes how rude he sounds; he adds a fake smile on top to soften it and make it feel more like a joke.

Of course, Delta sees right through it. “You’re still upset with me. Point taken.”

“No, I’m not, I’m just overstimulated and generally annoyed and I need to…I don’t know. I need space, I guess, to get my thoughts and feelings sorted out, and everything,” the water ghoul sighs, pinching the bridge of his nose. He means what he says; he really is just lost at the moment. “I’m sorry.”

“I understand,” the other replies with a nod, “Find me when you are ready. Or if you need me, even if it’s before that.”

“Thanks,” Rain mutters before biting his cheek and drilling his eyes into the floor. There are more things he wishes to say than that, but none of them actually make any sense in his mind; at least not enough to be utterable.

He truly does hope that the time he just told the other he needs will help him organize all that—for both their sakes.

“Take care of yourself, I’ll see you soon,” he adds after a few seconds of silence, but Delta is already gone.

And to know me as hardly golden Is to know me all wrong, they warn At every occasion, I’ll be ready for the funeral

January 30th, 2019

Despite Delta’s promise to take care of Rain after the incident, they had not seen each other since then. The water ghoul has made what he wants quite clear, and after everything, Delta doesn’t intend to cross his boundaries.

As Rain once again climbs onto the tour bus, it’s impossible for him not to notice the lack of Delta and his wise words. It pains him, but his ‘thoughts and feelings’ are still all over the place; he hopes that going away and letting the craziness of life on tour keep him busy gives him something solid to come back with.

In the meantime, Delta—just as unhappy, if not more—is watching the water ghoul from the old bell tower. Recently, even with the cold weather, he’s been spending quite a lot of time up there. He likes the perspective it gives him; it makes him feel as if he can see the world not as someone living in it, but from beyond.

And that makes him consider things differently, which means that Delta being there frequently indicates that he is trying and failing to make a decision.

He can’t seem to forget neither the look on Rain’s face when he told him the truth, nor his blank, yet visibly hurt expression after it all. He can’t decide which one was worse to witness.

Though it’s undeniable that apart from these two moments, all the time he’s had Rain in his life has been the happiest he’s been in what feels like forever. After his life fell into ruin, he had no hope whatsoever that he would ever know joy again. The concept started feeling like something foreign.

If not for him sneaking into the practice room in those late nights to feel the music again, he would have lost his sanity, on top of everything else, a long time ago. But even with that, the bareness of Delta’s existence was still bringing him closer and closer to the brink with every passing day. He was already standing on the very edge when he heard the rumors of a new water summoning being planned.

He’s watched a few new summons before, but never before did he get so infatuated with one, like he did with Rain. He thought the reason for that could be the timing—as if Rain’s entry into his life was a sudden appearance of a lifeline that Delta could not have helped but desperately grab onto.

But even if he couldn’t help it, what Delta did was give the water ghoul hope, only to crush it later on. Now, even if he was willing to risk, to try his luck and allow himself to be with Rain, to find some happiness in his otherwise miserable life, he would end up ruining the other with something much worse than disappointment.

Grief.

It is a fact that Delta is doomed, and he cannot drag Rain down with him.

It is all for the better.

I wanna be the power ballad that lifts you up and holds you down I wanna be the broken love song that feeds your misery And I can wish all that I want, but it won’t bring us together Plus, I know whatever happens to me, I know it’s for the better

February 14th, 2019

Rain has found Valentine’s Day really cute since learning about its existence—an entire day dedicated to spending time with and cherishing the people one holds close to their heart.

He can see how the romantically unlucky would despise that day, though, and Rain thinks he technically should consider himself to be in that category. It’s a shame, considering it’s his first time seeing the outside world all but drenched in the Valentine’s Day sweetness and he can’t truly appreciate it.

It only makes the ache nestled in his own heart more powerful.

He can’t really find it in himself to be upset with Delta for keeping his situation a secret anymore, but it doesn’t change the fact that he rejected the water ghoul. It can’t be said that the move Rain made could not have been predicted, that it was random and out of place after all these months they have spent basically tending to the slowly, but steadily, growing flames in their hearts.

Delta let their relationship—whatever kind it was—start and kept it going, only to crush Rain’s hopes at the most unfortunate moment.

Now, as the water ghoul is wandering the streets of a city somewhere in Germany with everything around being decorated in pinks, reds, and purples, and glitter, and stars, and hearts, he can’t help but watch all the happy couples and imagine how he would have treated Delta for this day.

He’d wake up in his arms, but slip away before the other did. He’d sneak into the kitchen and prepare breakfast, which he’d return to the bedroom with. He’d wake Delta up with a kiss and wait for him as he eats, then gets ready. Rain would take him out for a trip somewhere far away from the Abbey, for no reason other than to see the spark in his eyes as he forgets about all his troubles. Then, they’d get a fancy dinner in a fancy restaurant, and after that the water ghoul would get them back home where they’d go to bed and kiss and—

Yes, Rain is feeling quite bitter about this loss.

Valentine’s Day is cute, but tainted for him now, and that makes him want to find something to hate about it. He wants to think about it as nothing more than one big commercial bullshit, because if it’s a hoax, then he doesn’t have to feel sad about not getting to share it with someone else.

Rain does think humans throw the word ‘love’ around too carelessly. They downgrade other things, such as friendship or loyalty, and mistake caring for someone or feelings like lust for love, when it isn’t.

Or maybe for them it is; maybe it all works differently than for ghouls.

Humans distinguish between loving someone and being in love with them, instead of just giving it a separate name. They believe love at first sight is possible, and confess it even if they are unsure what it is, just because they feel the obligation to.

Rain finds it weird and slightly fake.

To him—and probably all the ghouls—actual love is much more than enjoying someone’s company, appreciating their body, seeing past their faults, wanting a future with them. It’s not something that can grow where it’s not supposed to if you work on it hard enough, but it doesn’t just happen randomly, either.

No, love is something visceral.

It consumes and blinds in a euphoric way that becomes addictive. To humans it sounds like too much; they fear something so intense, consider it to cloud their judgement and change them into something they are not.

They’re too little to feel it the way it is supposed to be felt.

Ghouls, on the other hand, taught by Lucifer himself, know the truth about love. It strips of doubt and limitations and liberates. It takes over and changes, yes, but it’s what it is supposed to do; it’s designed to take two souls, melt them separately like two precious metals only to join them to create an alloy beyond price, one of a kind.

True love is rare and unmistakable and—

Wait, but Rain isn’t…no.

Right?

He can’t be. It doesn’t make sense, it’s—

Uh-oh.

Oh.

OH FUCK.

I’ll be good, I’ll be good And I’ll love the world like I should I’ll be good, I’ll be good For all of the times that I never could

December 31st, 2018

Even though Delta has already tried to convince Rain to stay with his pack for New Year’s Eve, the water ghoul refused. He’s stubborn when he wants to be, so the two of them ended up agreeing to meet in the practice room.

Not having absolutely anything to do, as usual, Delta went there early.

Not having absolutely anything to do, as usual, Delta is now thinking.

Opening up to and before Rain was much easier than he would like to admit. When he still dared to dream of and hope for a shift in his miserable life, Delta imagined he would fuck his chance up by behaving like a scared animal, unwilling to trust ever again after having been betrayed. He was sure that is how it would go.

Then Rain came along and, sure, at first he was a proper creep, afraid of doing anything other than watching from a distance lest it all go to hell. It’s better to have something small than nothing at all.

But Delta has never been as strong-willed as he would hope to be, so he ended up caving in. He crossed the line he himself had drawn and started a conversation, which started something more.

And here they are, and even though Delta knows there will come a time when he will regret taking that step, for now he’s…is he happy?

At some point, the door to the practice room cracks open, and he sees Rain. The younger ghoul tries to ignore the flip his stomach does at Delta taking off his mask at the sight of him approaching.

“Making up an excuse to get out of the party wasn’t easy,” he jokes lightheartedly as he sits next to the other, but it immediately makes Delta feel bad.

“You should be with your pack,” he tells him again, looking away. He really doesn’t like the fact that the water ghoul keeps wasting all the celebrations on him instead of spending them with his pack, his actual family. He should just stop agreeing and hide from him, but he can’t bring himself to deprive himself of Rain’s presence.

Rain won’t have it, though. “I wanted to be with you.”

Delta doesn’t know how to reply to that; he elects not to reply at all. He just doesn’t understand—he’s a lost cause after all. Even knowing only what he does, Rain must realize it.

“Anyway, I’ve brought you something,” Rain says, cutting the stretching silence. He pulls said something out of the pocket of his hoodie and hands it to Delta; he receives it with a quiet and involuntary raspy chirp of curiosity. It’s an envelope, though it’s rather unlikely that it’s the gift. The ghoul opens it, and his fingers grab onto something matte on one side and smooth on the other; a photo. Delta turns it over in his hand and gasps once he takes in what’s in it.

A memory of better days…of something long gone.

He doesn’t know how long he’s just sitting there staring down at the photo held in his own shaking hand. Delta had no idea any of these pictures were kept, let alone that they were anywhere so easily accessible that Rain could have brought him one—albeit a copy of what was originally a polaroid.

A polaroid he vividly remembers being taken backstage before a show somewhere in the United States. A few seconds after the shot, Alpha’s lips were on one side of Delta’s face and Omega’s on the other. Another few seconds later the then-water ghoul got squished between their massive forms and trapped on that couch until it was time for them to go on stage; Terzo himself had to fix Delta’s sash at the very last minute before stepping out, not without joking.

They were all so happy.

Rain watches the other and feels like he’s done something wrong. There’s so many seemingly mixed emotions flashing across Delta’s face that the other can’t at all guess what he’s thinking.

“It’s a copy because I didn’t know if anyone would notice it missing,” he mumbles, interrupting gently, “sorry.”

“From where?” Delta replies with a quiet question as he strokes the edge of the picture with his thumb; Alpha’s side. Particularly the fire ghoul’s horn, adorned with a golden ring. A matching one, though in silver, is wrapped around one of picture Delta’s—the left one, now gone and having been most likely thrown out together with the piece of jewelry after it broke off during the ghoul’s torment. The horn rings were tokens of Alpha and Delta’s love for each other and a symbol of their mateship. “Missing from where?”

“Oh, it’s up on the wall in our common room,” Rain clarifies, “the one right of—”

“—the TV,” the other finishes for him with a pained little smile. The water ghoul still can’t read whether what he did was uncalled for or if Delta appreciates it.

“Yeah,” he confirms and watches the older ghoul’s eyes get shiny with tears. “I’m sorry if this is—isn’t right. I didn’t know if it would be appropriate, but…”

“No, it’s—I really appreciate it,” Delta sniffles, “genuinely, thank you so much, Rain. I just…really miss those times.”

“I’m sorry they were taken from you,” Rain mumbles, tentatively placing a gentle hand on the other’s shoulder, trying to show him he’s there for him. He is well aware, it turns out, because he suddenly throws his arms around Rain and hugs him tightly, hiding his face in the crook of his neck.

The younger ghoul is a little stunned for a moment, but once the initial shock fades away, he hugs Delta back. Or rather, holds him as he crumbles.

It’s a while before Delta regains his composure, but Rain doesn’t mind—not even close, even though he is a little out of his depth here. What makes the other finally pull away is the sudden loud noise of the Abbey’s bells tolling all at once—even those that are usually silent. It’s midnight.

Rain smiles and leans down to whisper into Delta’s ear, “Happy New Year.”

“Happy New Year, Rain.”

And it feels like an eternity Since I had you here with me Since I had to learn to be Someone you don’t know

January 4th, 2019

For once, Rain is awake at the ungodly hour of three in the morning on purpose; willingly. He’s had the alarm set for months, even though he would have still remembered without it.

The Abbey is chilly as the water ghoul leaves his room with a blanket wrapped around his shoulders. Yawning, he heads to the rehearsal room, hoping that he isn’t alone in being a sentimental fool.

He smiles, walking inside and seeing Delta already there, maskless—he’s so beautiful in the low, cool light of the practice room it makes Rain stumble back a few steps.

“I was wondering if you remembered the date,” the older ghoul greets him with the corners of his lips twitching up at the sight of Rain, so sleepy and all…cute.

“I was wondering if you remembered the date,” Rain replies, chuckling. He pads over to where the other is sitting and plops down beside him. Their hands fall next to each other, and the water ghoul has to resist the urge to clasp them together.

“There aren’t many days on my calendar that are worth remembering,” Delta chuckles, gazing at Rain and admiring the iridescence of his horns; similar to the look of a moonstone, “this one certainly is.”

“It’s crazy that it’s been a year, right?” the younger ponders. “It flew by so fast for me, I was barely here.”

“Not for me,” Delta sighs, “but it was much better than the previous one, now that I had…you.”

Rain smiles crookedly and scooches in closer to the other, so close that their thighs are touching. Delta shivers a little at that, but his eyes stay locked on the other’s own as his face is now mere inches away.

“I really wanted to kiss you on New Year’s, you know?” Rain says quietly, looking between Delta’s lips and his eyes. He really, really wants to do it.

“Oh?”

“But then I thought I should wait—”

“Oh…”

“—until today,” he whispers before closing the distance between them and pressing his lips against Delta’s. Warmth spreads through them both at the contact, though they don’t know if it’s actually there or if it’s just how it feels to be alive.

Delta pants into Rain’s mouth and the water ghoul wishes never to pull away. He leans forward even more and tangles his fingers in Delta’s hair as he loops his arms around Rain’s waist.

They breathe together and for a few moments nothing but them exists in the world; neither of them want it to end, but when Delta places his hand on Rain’s chest and feels his heartbeat under his palm, he chokes on a sudden realization of just what he’s doing.

“Rain—hmfp—I can’t, wait, I can’t,” he gets out between kisses, trying to pull away as gently as possible; it hurts him nearly physically, especially when he sees the other’s sad face.

“Wh—what?”

“I can’t, I’m sorry.”

“You don’t…I thought you liked me, too, I’m—I’m sorry, I’ll—” Rain’s voice cracks as he scrambles up to stand, to get away. How could he have been so stupid? Shame burns through him as tears well up in his eyes.

“No, no, I do! I like you a lot, but, uhm—”

“Well, then explain it!” Rain raises his voice, anger at the disappointment getting the best of him. “I deserve to fucking know why you’re pushing me away.”

He can see the other’s expression harden at that as he stands, too, and he knows he’s crossed the line.

“I’m dying!” Delta yells. “That good enough a reason for you!?”

Silence falls; a deadly one. The older ghoul pinches the bridge of his nose as he breathes heavily, taking a few steps back. Rain is just…frozen.

“What?” he asks in a tiny voice, barely audible, after a moment.

Delta frowns. “I’m dying. Whatever the transition did is slowly killing me. Has been for the last two years, I don’t know how much time I have left.”

“And you didn’t—why didn’t you tell me?”

“There wasn’t a good opportunity, I didn’t think it mattered—”

“YOU DIDN’T THINK IT MATTERED!?” Rain yells out again, digging his fingers into the sides of his head; this is insanity. “Delta…what the fuck?”

“I didn’t think you’d care,” the older ghoul tries, but Rain is right, really. It doesn’t make any sense, and it was cruel of Delta to keep it a secret all this time. “I didn’t want you to care.”

“A year,” the water ghoul whispers. “It’s been a year. Have I not…I don’t know, proven myself?”

“I’m sorry.”

“I can’t believe this,” Rain paces in a circle, stepping even further away from the other, “what does that even mean you’re dying, like, what, are you gonna just drop dead like a human in a few years?”

“Most likely,” Delta confirms quietly, hanging his head and leaning more against his cane, “or months.”

“Months,” he scoffs, “months that I will be away from here.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Me too, but right now I’m more angry than anything else.” Rain turns to the door, not minding what the older ghoul still might want from him. He doesn’t have any right to want anything from him now.

“Rain, please…” he calls out, reaching out with a weak hand as if he could keep the other there with sheer willpower.

“Not now.”

Delta knew it couldn’t have lasted, and yet it hurts like hell to watch Rain walk away from him.

Right now, I need you here I need you to stay strong To remind me where I came from And where I belong

January 9th, 2019

Rain has barely been sleeping since that…argument. He can’t, not with how his mind is racing, a near-rhythmic pound of Delta, Delta, Delta…and when he does manage to shut his eyes and let sleep take him, it is only moments of peace that he gets before being kicked back into wakefulness by images of Delta’s lifeless body at his dream self’s feet.

He is dying…

How can he be sure? It’s not as if he was ever checked out by a doctor, or a quintessence ghoul. Does he just…know? Can he feel his body disintegrating and giving in to the rot? Does it even work that way?

He is dying.

How much time does he have? Is it days, weeks, months, or years? Is it really…would it really be so bad to let Rain in for however much that is? Why would it not work? He is going to grieve either way, does Delta think he won’t?

What the actual fuck?

A better question is why Rain is avoiding him? Why is Rain angry with him for this—not even lying, but only failing to mention his predicament, which is not an easy burden to carry, and it’s understandable why the ghoul didn’t want to share it?

But…is it really?

Rain doesn’t know, but what he does know is that he’s a cruel and selfish bastard to be torturing a dying man like this, but he can’t face him, anyway. Not yet, not after what happened that night.

So Rain does not sleep.

It’s caused a migraine to bloom, one that’s been making him unable to function properly for the past few days, with no prospects of relief. That, in turn—or rather, combined with sleep deprivation and the emotional and mental breakdown—is making Rain dissociate. He barely knows what planet he’s on right now.

When he gets a moment of clarity, he grits his teeth and gets up from the mess that is his nest, intending to do something fun, something familiar that will take his mind off of Delta and maybe even help him relax, if he’s lucky.

Music has always been that thing for Rain, so after taking a few painkillers, he turns to his bass. The one he keeps in his room, as he doesn’t dare go into the rehearsal room just yet, lest Delta be there. Not yet.

As if in a trance, he grabs the instrument, plugs it into a small amp and finds the backing tracks he’s got saved on his phone. He hits play on shuffle, wanting only to clear his head.

Alas, the world seems to absolutely fucking hate him tonight; Deus in Absentia starts playing. Rain doesn’t pluck any strings even once; he’s frozen until the bridge.

All of your imaginations,

are now running down your face.

The water ghoul throws his bass onto his bed with a growl. Not knowing what to do with himself, he leaves his room, slamming the door behind him.

Rain’s emotions take him to the Den’s kitchen. He doesn’t know if it’s empty, or if someone is there, and if they’re trying to talk to him. He’s too out of it; he doesn’t know what he’s doing when the headache that’s not only persisting, but getting worse makes him down a couple more pills before storming back out of there.

He freezes in the middle of the common room, though, with his pupils blown; eyes glued to the wall.

He can’t believe the ghoul in that picture is Delta. The one who was smiling so brightly, with his face full and his body filling out his uniform; now barely more than a corpse.

Not for long, Rain realizes.

Delta is going to be an actual corpse sooner rather than later, and there’s not one thing either of them can do about it. It makes a near-tangible pit open up in Rain’s stomach and an invisible fist close around his heart.

He runs out of there, away from that beautiful nightmare of the past.

The sudden change in temperature when the water ghoul ends up outside makes him sober up a little—but only for a split second. He pauses on the gravel path just out of the Abbey’s door and considers turning back in his moment of clarity. He’s a water ghoul, barely dressed at that, and it’s the middle of a Swedish winter; going outside is a horrible idea.

Rain deems what awaits him inside the worse alternative.

He lets his vision go blurry as he turns behind the gardens and greenhouses covered with snow and in the woods’ direction. There’s nobody there; it’s dark and peaceful, and that is what Rain needs, so that is where his mind directs him.

The water ghoul takes a deep breath of the icy fresh air, reveling in how it feels like a thousand needles pricking his lungs. He closes his eyes and throws his head back to feel the near weightless snowflakes fall and melt on his face. He shivers, then starts to shake, but does not turn back.

Rain walks on until he finds a path well-known to him. It is iced over, as are all the rocks, big and small, scattered around. In the summer it’s fun to hop from one to the other, and his subconscious must give in to the memories of the ghoul doing just that.

He has lost the awareness of what he’s doing a while ago—he’s in a near hypnotic (or maybe psychotic) state—but the last thing his brain registers before the world goes truly dark is how a slippery rock causes him to fall and ram his head into a nearby tree.

All my life I’ve been heading for hell But never had I thought I’d drag you down as well

December 24th, 2018

The concept of Christmas never appealed to Rain.

He’s glad nobody pressures him into participating in anything other than gift giving among his pack. Not that he’s forced to do it—no, that is the only part he likes. He thinks it’s cute and a good way to show appreciation to those he loves. He got something small for Delta, too, but he couldn’t find him all day.

The festivities are still there, though, all around the Abbey and all throughout the night; and they’re loud, making the water ghoul unable to sleep. Naturally, he heads to the rehearsal room—grabbing his gift for Delta just in case he comes across him there.

Just like at the same time last year, though, when Rain approaches the room, he hears music coming from within. The same song as last year, too—he recognizes it now; it’s Deus in Absentia—and he wonders…

This time the water ghoul enters.

He does so quietly, so as not to startle whoever is playing inside and make them stop. They’re sitting on the edge of the stage, and it’s—

Delta.

Of course it’s Delta.

Rain hangs by the door and listens, waiting for the song to end. Delta’s playing is beautiful and full of emotion, but stiff at the same time; Rain figures it’s from the pain. He understands now.

Finally, the song ends, and Delta leans back, stretching. He notices the other.

“For once, it’s not me watching you from the shadows,” he jokes, but there’s no actual humor in it.

“It was you playing here last year, wasn’t it?”

“Indeed, it was,” he sighs. “I’m not a fan of today’s date, so I try to keep myself busy.”

“Me neither, apparently,” Rain chuckles, shrugging. He walks over and sits by Delta’s side, “but I actually got you something. Nothing fancy, but I thought it could help you a little.”

He cocks his head to the side in curiosity, making the other smile; he’s cute. Despite his face being hidden and this mournful aura hanging around him, Delta’s cute.

“I saw you get blisters on your right hand sometimes, from the cane,” Rain hands him the small gift bag. “These grips are supposedly really good for that.”

The ghoul opens it and turns the box with the grips around in his hands. He doesn’t speak, only caresses the cardboard, and Rain’s smile fades.

“Do you not like them? Sorry if it’s stepping over a line…”

“No, I’m sorry, Rain,” Delta snaps back to reality, “this is really amazing, thank you, I’m just—my mind is somewhere else tonight.”

“Are you okay?”

Delta sighs and takes a moment in silence—as if wondering whether he should reply truthfully. He looks at the water ghoul and makes his decision upon seeing the worry on his face. “It’s the second anniversary of a…the thing which made me what I am. Which ruined me.”

“Fuck, I’m sorry,” Rain mumbles quietly. “Do you want to be left alone? Sit together in silence? Or maybe…talk about it? Get it out of your system?”

Once again, Delta takes a moment to consider the question before he nods. Yes, he does want to get it out; he hadn’t had an opportunity to do so since it happened.

“I did not know it was being planned,” he starts his story. “I don’t think Terzo did, either; probably only the highest members of the Clergy did. An experiment never attempted before, without my consent. I don’t know why I was chosen.”

Rain remains silent, choosing not to interrupt with powerless words. Instead, he takes one of Delta’s hands into his own and squeezes it to show support. Despite Rain’s body temperature still being low, as is typical for water ghouls, to Delta it feels like fire.

“An elemental transition,” the ghoul scoffs, shaking his head at the absurdity of the fact that the Clergy genuinely thought it could work; such an abomination, “I remember little of it besides the fear…and the pain, like electricity burning through and ripping me from the inside out.”

Rain shudders and frowns. He’s beyond shocked.

He wondered many times why Delta is the way he is, what happened to him. Many times he was tempted to ask, but ended up biting his tongue every single one, electing to mind his business. He’s honored that the other feels comfortable enough to tell him about it, but he can’t imagine the pain, both literal and metaphorical, and he can’t comprehend how someone could subject another being to such torture.

“The date wasn’t accidental,” Delta continues, “they did it while the whole Abbey was celebrating. Yule, Christmas, Winter Solstice, Krampus…the name of the festivities hardly matters. They did it so that no one would hear me scream.”

Tears start welling up in Rain’s eyes. He can’t even grasp what was done to the other—he doesn’t think he wants to fully know, even though it’s selfish to protect his own peace while Delta was forever stripped of it.

“It didn’t work, clearly. I was water, supposed to turn into quintessence, but now I’m…neither, really. All I got was nerve damage. Ended up blind in my left eye, with ugly scars and everlasting pain on that side. I lost everything that night, and they just left me to rot.”

Silence falls, then. Delta got everything out. Rain is too appalled to speak; he doesn’t know what he could even say, because this is just…unthinkable.

Seconds pass, then minutes, and the water ghoul replays the last words of Delta’s over in his mind. Suddenly he knows what to say.

“You’re beautiful, you know that?”

“I’m not,” Delta grumbles, not entertaining the idea that Rain is being honest, not even for a second. “You haven’t seen me; you don’t know what you are talking about.”

“I don’t need to see you to know you are.” He shrugs, squeezing the other’s hand again. “I’d love to see you, the whole you, but even if I never get to, I will still die on that hill. You are beautiful to me, Delta.”

He hangs his head, hiding further under his hood, making Rain unable to see the eyes that have gotten wet. Nobody has called him beautiful in over two years; nobody has called him anything in over two years, really, but some lacks hurt more than others.

For some reason, Delta believes Rain and his words—he believes that there is something beautiful about him that remains.

He squeezes the other’s hand back, before separating them and bringing both of his to the hood of his robe. He hesitates, but decides that if he is to lose Rain, he wants it to happen sooner rather than later—before he lets himself have too much hope.

Delta throws back his hood and reaches for the back of his mask. Rain doesn’t speak, doesn’t even look at him yet; unsure if he’s permitted to.

Finally, Delta’s mask comes off, and he sets it onto the floor behind them with a quiet clank.

“Well?” he asks in a voice so quiet it’s barely audible.

Rain looks up and gasps.

It’s him.

The ghoul in the picture in the common room, the one with Omega and Alpha, it’s Delta.

He’s barely recognizable—so much thinner, older looking, and sickly pale from malnutrition and lingering in darkness, his hair dryer and a much duller shade than it used to be, with one of his eyes a different color and blind, one horn missing, and a couple lightning-like scars spread over the left half of his face and trailing down under his collar—but it’s him, no doubt.

Suddenly, so many puzzles fall into place. It has always been Delta…and Delta is truly beautiful.

“Reconsidered your words?” he scoffs, shrinking a little where he sits as he realizes how naïve what he just did is. It snaps the younger ghoul out of his trance.

He’s beautiful in a distinctly water ghoul way, despite having his element stolen from him; he’s a siren, even though a burned and hurt one. Rain keeps staring at him wordlessly—admiring—but Delta takes the lack of reaction for a negative one.

“Absolutely fucking not,” he breathes out, “you’re gorgeous.”

He tries to reach out; he wants to gently cup Delta’s face in his palms and hold it like something precious, worship it. He doubts it would be appropriate, though, so his hands drop to hold the other’s own again, instead.

For the next few minutes, Rain barely even blinks, taking in every single feature of Delta’s—he feels stripped bare under the other’s heavy gaze. When the water ghoul’s eyes fall on his hair, he remembers something.

“Can I ask…what happened with Alpha?”

Delta sighs; it sounds pained.

“We were in love. Mates.” His sad chuckle makes Rain immediately regret asking. “He didn’t know about the transition until it happened, either, but it was easy to assume who was behind it. Alpha thought I was dead already, so in a true fire ghoul fashion, he lost it. He attacked Sister Imperator, and…well, that is not something that can be left without punishment, is it?”

Rain doesn’t reply; too touched by how cruel Topside has been to the other. He’s been through unimaginable things, and yet he’s still able to smile and laugh.

“He’s never learned I survived,” the other adds with a quiet whisper, and Rain’s resolve fully breaks. He throws himself at Delta and hugs him with all his might, as if it could make up for all those cold, lonely nights he’s endured. As if it could put him back together.

“I’m so sorry,” Rain sniffles into his ear as the other’s arms come up to hug him back.

They stay like that, clinging to each other for a good while, and Delta hasn’t felt as warm in what feels like centuries.

“Want to get out of here? It’s too cold,” the water ghoul mumbles against the other’s neck at some point. As the emotional haze fades, they both start feeling awkward.

“Sure,” Delta agrees, and they pull back; he’s cold now, too. “Where do you want to go?”

“My room?” Rain offers. “It’s cozy and all.”

The other nods, and they get themselves up; Rain makes sure Delta doesn’t forget his gift. As they’re about to walk out of the door, he holds up his mask to put it back on, but he gets stopped mid-way.

“Wait, don’t…don’t put it back on. There’s nobody else around, and you have nothing to hide from me.”

Delta hesitates. Someone could come around the corner any moment. Rain has no way of predicting that. It’s not safe, it’s not—but what would happen if he were seen?

Absolutely nothing.

He puts the mask back by his side, only throwing his hood back up; he smiles at Rain crookedly from under it. Oh, how Rain’s chest flutters at that; he’s been waiting to see the other smile.

They walk in silence, except for the rhythmic clank of Delta’s cane on the Abbey’s ancient stone, until they reach the Den. There, the older ghoul hesitates once again.

“I haven’t been here in ages,” he whispers. Rain understands; he grabs the mask from his left hand and exchanges it for his own, squeezing.

“There’s nothing to worry about,” he assures before pulling a little—gently making Delta step inside.

In no time at all, they get to Rain’s room. “Here’s my little cave.”

Delta says nothing, only looks around. Rain doesn’t say anything either as the other explores his room, taking in the details and paying attention to every single trinket. It’s easy to tell he misses having a life of his own—a proper life.

It hurts Rain more than he can say, and suddenly he gets an idea

“Delta, do you…want to stay here? Spend the night?” he asks quickly, lest he lose the courage. “I don’t want you to be alone today.”

“I wouldn’t be opposed,” Delta rumbles as he turns back to him.

“I’m glad, then I, uh—” Rain realizes he did not think it through. “I can sleep on the floor, it’s fine if—”

Delta realizes Rain did not think it through. “No, I wouldn’t—”

“Please, I want you to—”

“No, please take the bed; it’s yours.”

“Well…it’s actually big enough for the both of us,” the younger ghoul mumbles, not actually intending to be heard. At least not all the way.

“Oh.” Delta blushes slightly; Rain finds it pretty.

He panics, though. “No, sorry, forget it, I—”

“Actually…” the other interrupts him, “I would like that.”

“You…you would?”

“Yes,” Delta smiles, pulling at his scars a little, “very much. If you do.”

Rain can’t help but reciprocate, “Alright…Yeah, okay. I’ll set it up.”

He turns to the bed and makes quick work of preparing it for both of them—though not before locking the door so as not to have anyone barging in and seeing Delta—while Delta puts his mask on Rain’s desk and props his cane up against it. After a quick consideration, he decides to get out of his cassock too—only because it’s quite dirty and he’d hate to get that mess into Rain’s perfect nest.

Rain’s perfect nest.

That specific word in his brain makes Delta panic a little; Rain is letting him into his nest. He takes the cassock off before he runs away screaming and goes into hiding until he dies.

Rain hopes Delta doesn’t notice the deep blush on his face when he turns around again to see him in just a tank top and a pair of boxers—he wasn’t expecting it, but he’s not complaining. The water ghoul notices the scars all over his left side, but doesn’t hang his eyes on them so as not to make the other uncomfortable. With the nest ready, he waves him over and gets in himself. He shrugs off his hoodie and sweatpants and crawls under the covers.

“Is this side okay for you?” Rain asks, settling as far on the opposite side as possible without falling off the bed.

“Yes, thank you,” Delta mumbles and gets comfortable under the covers as well. When he’s done, the both of them still and awkwardly wait for…neither of them knows what for.

Finally, the older ghoul lets out a breath he didn’t know he was holding in and sighs, “Goodnight, Rain.”

“Goodnight, Delta,” he replies and turns off the light.

Isn’t it lovely, all alone? Heart made of glass, my mind of stone Tear me to pieces, skin to bone Hello, welcome home

December 25th, 2018

Delta wakes up warm.

It’s strange; he hasn’t woken up warm once in the past two years—the catacombs are cold and humid, and he doesn’t have anyone to keep him warm, after all.

He yawns and tenses the muscles of his left leg against the stiffness he always gets in the mornings; he notices there’s something wrapped around it. Delta hums hoarsely in confusion as he takes a moment to remember the previous day and realize his situation.

Oh, Lucifer.

The ghoul turns his head to look behind himself, but his right eye doesn’t reach far enough, as he’s lying on that side. He doesn’t need to see to know, though, that Rain is currently spooning him—it’s his tail that’s wrapped around Delta’s left leg.

Well, that is certainly a predicament.

How does he get out of it?

More importantly, why is that his first thought?

Delta moves to get out of Rain’s hold, but he only sighs deeply in his sleep and wiggles a little to get more comfortable; also pressing Delta closer to his chest in the process, as if he’s one of his plushies. The older ghoul can’t say he’s displeased—by no means, it feels really fucking good to be held again—it’s just a bit…awkward. At best.

And poses a lot of questions that the ghoul does not want to think about right now. Or ever. The only thing he knows now is that a brick or a few must have fallen out of the walls he built around himself, and Rain has slipped in right through the opening.

Delta waits, as there is nothing else for him to do. He doesn’t know how long it is before Rain wakes up, but it’s long enough for the older ghoul to let himself enjoy the warmth and hope—and that is dangerous.

“Good morning,” he says. The other is awake, but not enough to take in his surroundings for now.

“Mornin’,” Rain slurs, and a shiver runs down Delta’s spine as the vibration of his voice against his back. It gives him whiplash; suddenly it’s 2015 and Alpha is there, holding him as he sleeps and drooling onto the back of his neck.

He needs to get up now.

Rain stretches and Delta uses that opportunity to slip away. He nearly crashes into the wall hornsfirst as he loses balance when he stands on his bad leg, but he gets his hands in front of himself just in time. He sighs and looks back at the other—Rain’s hands are clenched on the sheets and his eyes are still very much closed, but there is now a furrow between his brows.

Delta’s heart aches; he can’t resist the urge to pull one of Rain’s duvets up and cover him properly. He doesn’t want him to get cold.

The older ghoul grabs his cane and mask and turns to the door, opting to limp instead of potentially waking Rain up with the noise of his cane on the floor. His hand is already on the knob when he hears a rustle of sheets behind him.

“Delta?”

Well…fuck.

“Good morning again,” Delta turns and fakes a smile. Or does he? How much wouldn’t he give to be able to wake up next to Rain and hear that adorable sleepy voice every day. Alas. “It’s quite early; you should get back to sleep. I’m sorry I woke you up.”

“No, I can get up and,” Rain yawns, “we can get breakfast?”

“That would encompass a substantial probability of being perceived by someone other than yourself.”

Rain’s eyes widen a little, and it’s clear he’s making an attempt at understanding the unnecessarily ornate sentence that just came out of Delta’s mouth—and failing.

“Sorry, I’m still—” he starts, but it breaks off into a yawn, only supporting the point he was about to make.

“Half asleep, yes,” Delta finishes for him, chuckling, “you really should get some more sleep.”

“Uh-huh,” Rain mumbles and obediently closes his eyes. When he opens them again an unspecified amount of time later, Delta is nowhere to be seen.

The water ghoul gets up to check if he’s in the bathroom, but the door is open and the inside empty. Sighing, Rain throws himself back onto his bed.

Its wooden frame creaks loudly and groans with a question bouncing around his brain.

What the fuck is he doing?

Oh, lights go down In the moment, we’re lost and found I just wanna be by your side If these wings could fly For the rest of our lives

October 19th, 2015

The doors of the tour bus slam behind Omega as he climbs inside, groaning in pleasure at the warmth. It’s not only freezing outside, but it’s pouring rain, and he’s very unhappy about that.

“Jeez, someone splash a puddle at you?” Alpha scoffs at him, earning himself a glare.

“Is this you volunteering to do the next snack run?” the quintessence ghoul challenges and points to a few shopping bags at his feet. “Half of these are for your mate, anyway.”

“Whoops,” Delta giggles from his spot on the couch; nuzzled into Alpha’s side. “I appreciate your sacrifice, Megs.”

“Nah,” Alpha waves a hand dismissively, “don’t be such a baby, sparky.”

“You would be an infinitely bigger baby if we switched places,” Omega notes—without exaggeration—as he peels all the wet clothes off of himself. “And your face would rust with all the metal in it.”

“No, I would not, I’m—” the fire ghoul argues, but gets interrupted by Delta.

“Indeed, you would. You’re a fire ghoul, you hate water.”

“I don’t hate it, I just…dislike prolonged exposure,” Alpha counters, “and you’re the exception, of course. You I love, and that’s why I wouldn’t mind nearly as much if it meant keeping you properly stocked up on snacks or whatever else you’d desire.”

“Sure, sure,” Delta chuckles, patting him on the chest, but such a reply doesn’t exactly satisfy the fire ghoul.

“Oh, you want me to prove it to you, baby?” He all but jumps up, hoisting Delta with him while Omega is just looking at them with confusion and exhaustion. “Let’s go then.”

“Wh—Alpha, what? Go where, what are you doing!?” Delta laughs as his mate throws a hoodie on him and all but bullies him outside; though he’s right behind him too.

“Idiots,” the quintessence ghoul chuckles under his breath, shaking his head as he watches them disappear outside.

“Shit, it really is wet as fuck here,” Alpha grumbles under his breath as they step onto the parking lot, hoping Delta doesn’t hear it. It’s cold, too, and while the water ghoul himself hates that part, having the rain drum on his skin is one of his favorite feelings.

“You know what, you really are a mystery,” he says, clearly having heard the other’s remark, “because you claim to love certain things being wet on some other occasions.”

“Damn, calling me out like that!? It’s because it’s closely related to you. Very closely, love.”

Delta laughs, walking up to Alpha. He presses their chests together and wraps his arms around his neck—and shudders at his warmth. “Did you drag me out just to stand here looking like a wet dog?”

“Am I a cute wet dog at least?” the fire ghoul asks.

Delta grins up at him and brings a hand to his face to get the wet strands of hair out of his eyes; some get tangled in his eyebrow piercing. “The cutest. And mine.”

“That I am…both, I suppose. What kind of dog though?”

“Oh, shut up,” the water ghoul giggles before cupping Alpha’s cheek. “Kiss me?”

Smirking, he leans in and fulfills Delta’s request. As always, Delta revels in the feeling of Alpha’s hot lips and the cold metal of his vertical labret piercing. They tangle their fingers in each other’s hair and hold the other tight, as if they could disappear any moment.

When they part for breath, Alpha chuckles, “This is disgustingly romcom of us, isn’t it?”

“True, there must be a scene like that in every one Terzo watches,” Delta scoffs. “It’s really nice, though.”

Alpha passes over that one; he’s incredibly uncomfortable, but he’s with his water ghoul, so it’s all pushed aside by affection. Especially seeing how happy it makes him—such a simple thing, it would seem.

He leans down and buries his face in the crook of Delta’s neck—he ignores how it’s just his mate’s attempt at escaping the rain a little. It’s cute, and he can’t help but grin into his hair as they stand there with rain pouring down onto them.

Still, the fire ghoul has his limits.

“Okay, Delta, I really fucking love you, but can we get back inside now? There’s water in my Crocs…” he whines, and his tone on top of the footwear remark makes Delta snort out an embarrassing laugh. Alpha shakes his head at him, pretending to be offended, but there’s nothing but adoration burning in his amber eyes as he looks down at his mate’s radiant face.

“Who would have thought, huh?” Delta teases. “But I love you, too, and I’m freezing, so yes, let’s go.”

“Don’t tell Omega I started complaining.”

“I really appreciate the gesture, so I will not. This time.”

With one last kiss, Delta pulls away from Alpha, and the moment he does, the real cold gets to him; he immediately starts shivering. They quickly get back inside, and the water ghoul disappears to get out of his wet clothes while his mate waits in the lounge, easily drying himself off.

A minute later, Delta comes back out in pajamas and wrapped up in a blanket, but still shivering.

“Oh no, did I accidentally freeze my fishy?” Alpha coos, pouting. “That’s unfortunate, considering I was just trying to prove my devotion to him.”

“Hm, you can prove it even further if you defrost him now,” Delta says as he falls right into the other’s open arms.

“Like over an open flame or in a microwave or…?”

The water ghoul bursts out laughing. “Like with cuddles, Lord Below!”

“Oh? So like—” Alpha wraps his big arms around him and pulls him all the way into his lap before tucking him against his chest and kicking up his body heat, “—this?”

“Mhmmm,” Delta is purring loudly already, “exactly like this.”

Alpha grins, and his heart aches with the amount of love for Delta he’s got in it. He draws the blanket higher up and tucks it under his mate’s chin to trap the warmth and get him all cozy—it makes the water ghoul’s purrs get even more intense and Alpha can’t help but join in with his own.

He rests his head on top of Delta’s and sighs, “I truly am the happiest ghoul in the whole universe, little fishy.”

“I love you, too, my wildfire.”

But I miss you in the mornings when I see the sun Somethin’ in the orange tells me we’re not done

October 24th, 2018

Rain has been keeping a slight distance since returning home from tour. Delta’s words, even if not meant in the way they were interpreted, made the water ghoul realize that he’s wandered too far into the sphere of daydreams. He was hoping for something that was never offered to him, and his disappointment is entirely his own fault.

Now, with all that in mind, he keeps himself in check. He still enjoys Delta’s company during those rare times they meet, but he doesn’t expect to get anything more than the basic perks of having someone to talk to out of it. Just like he’s assuming Delta does.

Still, now that he’s going on the road again, Rain does expect a goodbye, and Delta does intend to say it.

This time the water ghoul planned his packing way better than the last, so he isn’t on a tight schedule. He heads to the rehearsal room both to check if Delta is there and because he left one of his straps attached to the bass he practices in there on.

“The road calls once again. Are you eager, or rather dread having to go?”

As always, hearing Delta out of nowhere makes a shiver run down Rain’s spine; he can’t help it. The way he speaks, his accent—an English one, the water ghoul has learned when they played shows there—his impeccable choice of words every time, his scratchy, but low voice; all of it.

“This run is really short,” Rain shrugs as he stands up and turns to face Delta, “and I enjoyed being on stage and all that, so I feel pretty good.”

“Good,” Delta mumbles, disliking the dull response, just as he’s been disliking most of the sentences uttered by Rain in the last weeks. “I do hope you have fun again. Should I find you when you get back?”

“I’ll have to ramble about it to somebody,” the water ghoul says, either meaning it as a scoff or a chuckle—he’s not sure himself.

“I will take that as a ‘yes’,” the other sighs somewhat sadly. “See you soon.”

“See you.” Then once again Delta watches Rain walk away, this time with a crease in his brow.

He can feel something isn’t right, but he does not plan on mentioning it anytime soon. Delta may not like it, but while it doesn’t matter what made Rain distance himself, he’s doing what’s good for him. Even if he doesn’t realize it, or if it doesn’t feel like anything good.

As much as Delta would like them to be friends, they cannot be. And they certainly cannot be anything more than that. He wishes he could explain it to the other and give him a reason to fill the spot currently occupied by—most likely wrong—assumptions.

Delta made a mistake in revealing himself to Rain. For a long time, he’s been exercising pristine self-control, and in giving in that one single time made it all fall apart—taking that one step made him unable to resist taking another one, then another.

Delta both does and does not regret it. He likes Rain, and meeting him has made his miserable existence that much more enjoyable. He knows it can’t continue, though, and that is why he finds himself wishing he had remained in the shadows.

And the freedom of falling The feeling I thought was set in stone It slips through my fingers I’m trying hard to let go

December 16th, 2018

Even though, just as Rain predicted, he didn’t get too tired on this leg of the tour, he was impatient to get back home. He has discovered he isn’t a fan of winter—by far—and while, yes, a Swedish winter is one of the worst ones he could experience as a water ghoul, home means his cozy nest with approximately a million warm blankets and plushies to keep him company. Another thing he’s found a liking to on the road.

So call it silly, but this time Rain was more excited to get back into his bed than anything else. Even including Delta.

Still, he wants to see him, even if only to talk to him about things that he didn’t feel like talking about with anybody else. He doesn’t hang around outside after getting off of the bus—for obvious reasons—but once he leaves his bags in his room and puts on one more sweater, Rain heads back to look for Delta.

Although he doesn’t get far outside of the Den before—

“The bus has barely parked, and he is on the run yet again.”

“I’m not on the run,” Rain laughs, “just wanted to say hi.”

“Hi,” Delta says as he emerges from the shadows with a tilt of his head and a tone not quite like his usual serious one. “Will you go to sleep for a week now?”

“I do plan on using my time off to rest real good,” the water ghoul admits, coming up to the other, “especially considering how freezing it is, but I’m not in a rush this time.”

“Speaking of freezing, actually. If you’re not in a rush, then would you go for a walk outside with me before you sink into your nest? I know you dislike the cold, and so do I, but I would like to show you something.”

“Yeah, of course.” Rain nods, feeling a pang of excitement at the mysterious offer. “Let me get dressed and I’ll meet you here?”

“I will be waiting.”

With that, the water ghoul runs back to his room to get more layers onto himself and goes back to Delta just as fast. It’s getting harder to keep his emotions in check, and he already knows he’ll be scolding himself for it later.

Though he supposes he deserves to let himself go—to feel—for a moment. One evening of freedom from the fortress he’s put himself into surely won’t make it crumble.

“Ready?” Delta asks once Rain stands in front of him again. He nods, and the other leads the way. “I’m glad you agreed. You will understand once you see.”

“See what?”

“That would ruin the surprise, now, would it not?” Delta chuckles. “Have a little patience and trust.”

Rain grumbles something unintelligible under his breath, but obediently follows the other as he leads him outside through some abandoned corridors. When they finally get outside, it’s behind the Abbey.

“We’re here,” Delta announces, confusing Rain slightly, because there’s absolutely nothing there.

“I’m not sure I understand.”

“Patience and trust, Rain,” he says with humor, shaking his head. The water ghoul likes the way his name falls off of Delta’s lips. He comes closer and hovers a hand over the other’s shoulder. “May I?”

He nods, and Delta’s hand lands gently. He pushes lightly to lead Rain further out toward the woods. Somewhere midway they stop, and Delta turns the other around.

Rain’s jaw drops and he can’t find any more words to utter as he takes in the sky. He feels as if his chest is going to explode with how much emotion the sight floods him with at this immeasurable beauty.

“They are called Northern Lights,” Delta explains, giving a name to the burst of light and color above them, “or aurora borealis.”

“This is just—woah…”

“I agree,” he hums. Rain’s happiness is making him quite happy as well.

“Thank you for showing me.” The water ghoul tears his gaze away from the sky only for a moment when he looks back down at Delta. He notices that the way his eyes look out here makes it seem as if he’s seeing them for the first time. They seem to glow, reflecting the lights, even the milky one.

But then Rain realizes, they’re not actually reflecting anything.

“The lights look like your eyes,” he says with the biggest, brightest smile. It makes Delta ache so much, somewhere deep inside; that joy of his.

“Yours look like…” he points at one part of the sky, “those, there.”

“This is so…so incredible,” Rain laughs as if in disbelief. It probably is disbelief; Delta doubts anyone has actually told the water ghoul much about the wonders of Earth.

“You’ve been here for over a year and you didn’t even know about these,” he sighs, “this world is huge and full of beautiful things, all waiting to be seen. You are just as immortal here as you are in Hell. Don’t waste that opportunity like I did.”

“How could you say you wasted anything if you got to see these?” the water ghoul asks and even though he has no idea what he’s talking about, the sentiment and the way he’s completely hypnotized by the Northern lights make Delta forget about all the other things that enter that equation, too.

“You’re right, I think…I think you get fulfilled in a strange way when you see something hauntingly beautiful. Like this; everything else seems so dull in comparison now.”

Except Delta is no longer watching the sky.

And in his captivation, Rain does not realize his fortress has already crumbled.

I’d give anything to hear you say it one more time That the universe was made just to be seen by my eyes

I think this is a good moment to mention that in my head Delta speaks like Enzo from The Vampire Diaries.