here it is

2017 was a wild year. 

It’s 2017. We have elected a racist television star as President of our free nation. We have appointed officials who paid their way to the top with little or NO experience in government. We don’t feel comfortable with a black teenager walking in our white neighborhood. A muslim women’s hijab makes us weary. A Mexican family paying for their groceries with food stamps or speaking Spanish is unbearable. Deciding whether or not a male born citizen turned female should use the women’s bathroom is hard for our elected officials to decide. Clean water is hard to come by and so is affordable healthcare. We can’t talk about how WHITE men and women physically and verbally attack people of color and unlike themselves. 

WHAT THE ABSOLUTE HELL IS GOING ON IN THIS COUNTRY? 

Why is it hard for an American to be American?

Seriously. Someone please answer this question for me. It makes me sick to my stomach to see a Muslim woman being harassed because of her religion. It makes me cringe to see a black or hispanic teenager to be shot at because they stepped on someone’s lawn. It makes me violently ill to see a gay man be beaten half dead or to death because he is attracted to another male. What is happening to our country? Why is everyone so uncomfortable with everything?

I believe that what it comes down to is

ignorance and fear

. Truly. If I am wrong, someone correct me. Of course I am scared that I might be the victim of a mass shooting in a theater or the airport. Of course I am scared to be a victim of terror. Everyone is. That is what our current state of humanity is; to constantly be in fear. You may think I am overreacting or overstepping the boundaries set by those above me… well, then you can stop reading. I am going to try to step out of my comfort zone the next few weeks and delve into the current state of the human race. I may be wrong or uninformed about certain topics. I will try to research much of what I am about to write about. If you have anything you’d like to add, PLEASE reach out to me. I’d love to discuss this with someone.

Let’s get real for a moment. I am a millennial. I do not choose to be called this, but this is what the public chooses to call my twenty-something year old peers. We are labeled as “self-absorbed” and “entitled”. Though I do believe that most of my peers hold these qualities, I do not believe that I fit into this category. 

I’m sure there are thousands of people like me who say the same things and I am okay with that. I just have to prove myself a little bit harder to those who view me as this Webster Dictionary definition. 

I am a college graduate. I moved straight to Nashville, Tennessee to be something. I honestly had no idea what I wanted to do, but I wanted to be in the music industry. I enjoyed so many things that it was hard for me to choose ONE thing and stick with it. In college, I was pretty involved in a lot of things. I had multiple internships. Some required me to use my social media skills to promote concerts and artists. One taught me office skills and how to collect demographics and assemble it into pretty little spreadsheets. Another taught me the basics of coding and taught me to write blog posts and allowed me to be myself.

One internship that seemed promising and allowed me to do what I WANTED to do, cut contact with me after it was completed. I obtained this after moving to Nashville. I was hopeful that this was it. This was the one thing that would allow me to get into the business that denied access to many of my peers and people before me. It was a small start, but it was something. I was promised compensation for my work. I was promised a conversation about my continuation with the company. However, once this time was over I never heard from them again. My emails and calls were ignored and never returned. I was left with months of experience and my confidence and took that every where I could. 

I applied to job after job. Nothing. There were a few bites and interviews, but I can count them on one hand. I believed that those few interviews were great. I told myself, “they got to see my personality and got to see my excitement for this opportunity. I got this”. Yet time after time, “We have chosen to go with someone who is more qualified for this position. You just do not have enough experience.” 

Hold the phone. These were ENTRY level positions. How do I “not have enough experience”? Was my four years of college, multiple leadership roles, 5 internships, and my incredible references not enough? That wasn’t enough experience? I was heartbroken. I still am. How can I not be enough? I already felt like that in my personal life, now it had extended to my professional one. 

“Just keep trying.” “Something will come up.” “You’re amazing, someone’s going to see that.” “You aren’t trying hard enough.” 

So with that, I continued to answer phones and schedule appointments, fold jeans and check sizes and prices, take orders and wipe half eaten queso dip on my pants.

I believe that some people believe I am entitled to a real job because of my college education. That I am educated and now give me a job so I can half-ass my way through it and get money for it. But that is what I was told my whole life. I needed a degree in order to make money. It will all pay off if I just be patient. Well, I have been patient. I have been rejected. And I’m over it. I’m not giving up; I’m continuing to put myself out there, but it is hard. 

I AM a hard worker. I do ANYTHING to get the job done. I want to prove to people I can do it. All I want is to show that boss man sitting behind the desk, behind his computer that I AM WORTH IT. 

My advice to those recent grads or soon-to-be graduates: don’t give up. It’s hard to pay bills and deal with random roommates. It is difficult to maintain a positive balance on a bank account when you’re making $200 a week while living in a city where rent is 3x more than your income. It’s hard to not go to the bar and drink a few beers or to buy that really nice bag you’re going to carry into that interview to look professional. I know it’s cliché to say not to give up, but don’t. I’m one to say it. I’m two years out of college and I’m starting over again. I’m moving to a new city 1,000 miles away and beginning again. 

My life has turned completely upside down. 

Being treated poorly, being called names that made me want to do things to myself even more, never being “wanted”, never being good enough. These things made me feel like a worse person than I already felt. I felt as if I held no value and that I wasn’t pretty. I felt like I was a toy, like one of those toys from Toy Story that desperately wanted to be played with, and would place themselves in the perfect spot to be noticed. It was quite pathetic. 

Most recently (a few months ago), I gave up (yet again) on the same person of four years. I told myself that he was the last one, it was the last time, he was the last man-child that would be in my life. 

That changed. 

Fast-Forward to today. I’m sitting at work looking at homes, jobs, things to do, meals to plan...anxiously awaiting when I can get my car and drive to his house.  “His” meaning “him” or what I like to refer to him as in emoji form, “Fried Shrimp”. You all have seen his face and probably know his name (I’m assuming you’re a friend if you’re reading this, but who knows?). Anyway, he will be referred to as Fried Shrimp. It’s been 3 months. We’ve only known each other for 4 months. WHAT?! I’m in love. This came completely out of left, right, and center field. 

I’m treated better than I ever imagined. I’m looked at like no one has before. I’ve been called special, and beautiful. I feel special and beautiful. I feel so important. I feel incredible.