A lurker for most of the time

What if your dick was SMALL, and the farm girl you fucked told EVERYONE about it, so now you have to MOVE CITIES and become an ACTOR so you can HIDE your pettiness behind your profession, and then SOMEHOW (???) you manage to convince a VAMPIRE to make you immortal, but you PISS yourself while he does it, and now he thinks you're GROSS, and then the hot vampire leader of his theatre company KILLS him because that was against some fuckass vampire laws, so you decide to JOIN them and become the biggest STAR(BITCH) in the house, and everything is fucking GREAT for a while, but then some fuckass American appears, and your hot boss starts FUCKING him, which means he gets free passes for fuckass behavior, and you're fucking JEALOUS and PISSED, so you talk EVERYONE at the company into staging a COUP, and they make YOU the leader instead, and you now feel like your dick is the biggest one in the house (but it still isn't), so then you FUCK AROUND and FIND OUT--(no THEN WHAT here, he very dead)