So. Let’s talk about the hospital room scene with Sherlock and Culverton. Despite it never being said outright, it’s implied that Sherlock had it all planned out, that he knew John would save him. I’m not convinced. Sherlock may be clever, but he had no idea of knowing that John would save him. Sure, he had everything else accounted for, but not even Sherlock could account for how John would react, especially given the events that occurred not too long before.
Here’s the thing: Sherlock experiences suicidal ideation on some level. I won’t be convinced otherwise. In this instance, and others like it where Sherlock knowingly puts himself in a dangerous situation, it’s only passive, but I can almost guarantee that he’s actively thought up suicide plans to the last detail, in an assortment of ways, in the past. There’s no way he hasn’t, if he is so precise in his self administering of drugs. The potential is there for an easy fix, if he just flubs the dosages a bit. It’s there, plain to see, for all who know to look for it. Sherlock couldn’t have known John would come, because John blames Sherlock for Mary’s death. Sherlock killed Mary. John beat the shit out of Sherlock to the point that there was a puddle of blood on the ground. Never before had John hurt him in such a way, even when Sherlock came back after being dead for two years. So, Sherlock blamed himself for Mary’s death. Sherlock blamed himself for causing John, the most important person in his life, pain. Sherlock never fought to see John after Mary’s death, as John made it quite clear he didn’t want to see Sherlock. Sherlock turned back to drugs, because John wasn’t there to stop him, either physically or because Sherlock didn’t want to disappoint him, because Sherlock knew he couldn’t disappoint John any longer. It’s hard to disappoint someone who expects the worst of you and cannot stand to be in your presence.
Sherlock didn’t want to die, but he wouldn’t have minded. Sherlock hoped John would come, but he would be fine if he didn’t. Sherlock was scared to die, because he knew if John came, but was too late, he would be hurting John more, if the man still cared for Sherlock even a little. He was scared to die because if John didn’t come, he would know John didn’t care about him anymore even the slightest bit.
Remember, you don’t tell someone ‘you’re suicidal, you’re allowed chips’ out of the blue like that, especially one you don’t know well or particularly care for. You don’t point something out so bluntly(though that’s par for the course with Sherlock), and you don’t imply that even the smallest of pleasures are okay, even if you feel you might not deserve them. Sherlock isn’t known for being compassionate, nor is he known for his vast emotional intellect. Plus, when Sherlock monologues about ‘taking your own life’, he speaks as if he’s thought about it considerably and finally come to a conclusion. Sherlock was likely projecting.
In short, Sherlock didn’t know John would come for him. He didn’t expect it. He hoped, because dear god, John Watson is everything good in his life, but he was never certain, because behind all the bravado and the false confidence, Sherlock is a man with insecurities, a man who feels but doesn’t understand. He’s starting to, but it’s a long road to understanding emotion when you’ve spent the majority of your life repressing and seeing it as a weakness.
There’s prior evidence to support this, going back as far as ASiP. Sherlock was absolutely going to take the pill, because it didn’t matter if he died. No one would mourn his loss. It wasn’t immediately apparent at that point because the show was shown from John’s point of view, for the most part. John didn’t know Sherlock very well, and Sherlock was hardly comfortable enough to express human emotion, so John likely wrote it off as Sherlock being an adrenaline junkie, a narcissist, someone who had to prove himself right above all else.
Sherlock’s never cared for his life. It’s John who makes his life worth living, and without John, Sherlock would have likely died years ago. “John Watson, you keep me right,” indeed.
