First of all, I agree with this sentiment 100%. No one should shame anyone for ANY of their life choices, unless those choices are cruel and/or harmful to others. One of my best friends got married a few years back, and asked me to be a bridesmaid. I happily accepted. We’ve been friends for 20 years, and so she absolutely KNOWS my opinions and thoughts on a range of gender issues. My friend had a super-traditional wedding and took her husband’s last name. I imagine if she’d cared about my opinion on that matter, she would have asked for it. She didn’t, so I didn’t offer it. I’ve never offered it, and don’t imagine I ever will. What matters is that her husband is a lovely guy and they are absolutely equals as partners and parents.

I have another friend who cannot WAIT to be a stay-at-home mom. We’ve been friends for almost 10 years, and this has always been her dream. She adores the domestic arts and is good at them. She’s also great with kids. Her fiance makes enough money for them to live (modestly but comfortably) on one income, and she just told me they’re going to try for a pregnancy soon. I am so freaking excited for her—she’s going to get to do her dream job! What could be better than that?

So, yes. On an individual basis, we support each other and don’t try and impose the way that we want to live on others. That is a matter of basic good will and respect. But! Yes, there is a but. But this whole concept of “choice feminism” has a really dark side that I don’t think is talked about nearly enough. There is a reason why the practice of a woman automatically taking her husband’s last name bothers me as a general practice. There is a reason why the assumption that if one parent in a heterosexual pairing is going to stay home with the kids, it should be the mom. These opinions don’t exist in a vacuum, and on more than one occasion, I have felt pressured to abandon any and all critical thinking on social issues because choice.  

Personally, I think it is really fucked up that a woman taking her husband’s last name is still the default in this culture. That a man choosing to do the same would be considered bizarre at best and a proof that he was whipped at worst. That when women choose to keep their last names, their children often automatically get their husband’s last name anyway, making many women feel like their only choice is between being part of their own family or an outsider in it. That not automatically giving kids their father’s name is very rarely considered. That when a woman hyphenates, their husband often does not. That “it was really important to my husband” is considered a good enough reason for any and all of this. That men are never expected to make sacrifices for their relationships with women the way that women are expected to make sacrifices for their relationships with men. That we are all supposed to pretend that the convention of a woman surrendering her legal identity upon marriage has nothing to do with the fact that women are paid less, violated more, and generally considered less valuable and less human than men.

All I am really saying, I suppose, is that choice feminism should only, only only be about supporting individual human beings without being judgy jerks toward them. It should not be about shutting down the conversation on why certain practices have been—and continue to be— deeply disturbing. Because, unfortunately, I see that happening a lot. And that is nothing but a victory for a misogynistic system that seeks to silence us, confuse us, shut us down, and make us attack one another instead of looking at the real problem. I will never judge or criticize individuals for the choices that they make, even if I find them problematic. If, however, specific social issues and practices come up in conversation, I am sure as fuck going to continue to speak my mind.

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Just look at these heterosexual gal pals literally having sex with each other right there on panel

Just like all straight women who are just really good Platonic Friends do

$7.25 x 40 hour full time work week: $290

$290 x 4 weeks per month: $1,160

That weekly check comes to, according to you, 290. Most places DO NOT pay for your half hour lunch that is required by law. So your beginning number was wrong. $7.25 x 7.5 hours a day x 5 days a week only gets you $271.88.  Most people in America get paid bi-weekly, so let’s double it to get the budget. $543.75. That’s GROSS, not NET. Out of that comes anywhere between 10% and 15% taxes depending on state so we’ll low ball it at 10%. Automatically down to $489.38 a pay check. Now health insurance. Usually anywhere from 70-100 a pay check for the cheapest plans. Again, we’ll low ball and go $70. So now we have $419.39 a paycheck. x 2  = $839. 

Eight hundred thirty nine dollars. A MONTH.

But again, you seem to think that’s fair. So let’s proceed. You say rent is $500? Okay. This person now has $339 left to buy groceries for the whole month, pay utilities, car payment, car insurance, and gas money to get to work. 

Those are the bare needs. You have to eat. You have to pay for heat, water, garbage removal, gas and or electricity because apartments do not always include things and rarely all of the above. Most cities in America do not have public transportation. Mine doesn’t despite the fact that our population is over 15,000 people, not counting a taxi. If you have a car, you have to pay that. If you have a car, legally you have to have car insurance. You have to pay that. You have to have gas in that car to get to work to make that money.

Now if you can tell me you can get all of that out of $339 you’re lying.

You are so focused on rent that you aren’t thinking about everything else people have to pay for. Rent was an example. This is a breakdown of the budget you gave me and it’s not possible to live off that in 2017 America. 

And BECAUSE this person makes over $800 a month, they probably won’t qualify for financial aid or food stamps. $800 is the line in my state where they won’t help you. No food stamps, financial aid, or government housing if you make more than $800 a month. 

“I want a princess who can’t sing!”

“I want a princess who can fight!”

“I want a non-traditional princess!”

“tired of hearing about” posts that then go on to delineate something i have literally never heard anyone talking about are hilarious

the idea of trying to rank the planets as fuckable is absurd

huffy “i don’t care”

nitpicking the logistics of something impossible

horrible mental image

then i begin to treat them how they treat me

and that’s when people usually notice that there’s a problem

“you acting different”

white boy who probably wants to be a poet: i wanted so badly to lie down next to her on the couch, to wrap my arms around her and sleep. Not fuck, like in those movies. Not even have sex. Just sleep together, in the most innocent sense of the phrase. But i lacked the courage and she had a boyfriend and i was gawky and she was gorgeous and i was hopelessly boring and she was endlessly fascinating. So i walked back to my room and collapsed on the bottom bunk. Thinking about if people were rain, i was drizzle and she was hurricane

me:

me: