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@justalionheart
Tim— I’ve uh, I’ve been.. around. I would have been at work if they hadn’t have thought that I needed time off after… silly huh? They don’t know me too well obviously. I’m back now though so.. no worries. How are you? It’s been a while..
Around. Right. You know, I'm not saying this as your boss's boss's boss, I'm saying this as your friend, Jason -- What is going on with you? I know you've been on leave and... I'm worried about you.
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I’m asking you if you’ve seen Isaac Whitney and now you’re showing me a knife. Is it a clue?
That went over exactly how I thought it would. Who knew the day I come back to work would be the day they have all the nosy rookies training on the floor. Since I can’t go home I guess its time for some drinks.
And just where've you been?
I don’t even know if I have the capacity for normal emotions or not because I haven’t cried for a long time. You just stifle them for so long that maybe you lose them, partially at least. I don’t know.
Jeffrey Dahmer, serial killer. (via iamholocaust)
When I put my hands on your body [ on your flesh ] I feel the history of that b o d y. Not just the beginning of its forming in that distant lake but all the way beyond its (ending). I feel the warmth and texture and simultaneously I see the flesh unwrap from the layers of fat and d i s a p p e a r. I see the fat disappear from the muscle. I see the muscle disappearing from around the organs and [ d e t a c h i n g ] itself from the bones. I see the organs gradually fade into transparency leaving a gleaming skeleton - - - gleaming like ivory that slowly resolves until it becomes d u s t. I am consumed in the sense of your weight the way your flesh occupies momentary space the fullness of it beneath my palms. I am amazed at how perfectly your body fits to the curves of my hands. If I could attach our blood vessels so we could become each other - - - I would. If I could attach our blood vessels in order to anchor you to the earth to this present time - - - I would. If I could open up your body and slip inside your skin and look out your eyes and forever have my lips fused with yours - - - I would. It makes me weep to feel the history of your flesh beneath my hands in a time of so much [ loss ]. It makes me weep to feel the movement of your flesh beneath my palms as you t w i s t and t u r n over to one side to create a series of gestures to reach up around my neck to draw me nearer. All these memories will be lost in time like tears in the r a i n.
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Three weeks. It’d been three long weeks since he’d seen that face, heard that voice, been close to him… His apartment was a mess, bottles all over the place, a few glasses, mugs with tea still in them, and cigarettes piling up in his ashtrays. His clothing was rumpled, there...
"No." Tim looked down, the word the only thing keeping him holding on at the moment. "No. No, Jaxon. That's... Fuck. Don't you get it? Out of all the times you fucked up, this time has got to be the worst." He shook his head, grabbing a bottle of bourbon and taking a swallow. "Those fucking eyes aren't gonna work on me. You said it. You finally said it and you fucking ran? I love you means staying, Jaxon, sorry you're not fucking familiar with that. Sorry you don't fucking understand the normal rules of feelings - but when you say I love you you fucking stay, you asshole!"
Staring up at him once more, he let his eyes blaze blue fire. "No. No. No no. This isn't gonna be fixed with a few stumbled words and apologies. This is gonna take hard, hard work if you want me. If you really do love me, which honestly, I really fuckin' doubt, but if you do... You won't let me go. You'll fight for me."
Taking another swig from the bottle, he licked his lips and inhaled a ragged breath. "Learn what really loving someone is like. Waiting for them. Begging with them. Pleading with them. Staying with them. Loving every last little flaw and perfection. Fucking staying. I waited for you. I fucking waited. So now? It's your turn."
i just can’t wait for love to destroy us [listen]
[i] flawless the neighbourhood [ii] i’m gonna break your heart joy williams [iii] hurricane panic! at the disco [iv] ways back when rae morris [v] faker death ed tullet [vi] take me to church hozier [vii] fallen imagine dragons [viii] wdywfm the neighbourhood [ix] these streets bastille [x] all eyes imagine dragons [xi] hold you nina nesbitt [xii] are you hurting the one you love? florence + the machine [xiii] born to die lana del rey [xiv] can’t pretend tom odell [xv] black gold foals [xvi] things we lost in the fire bastille
It’s had been 3 weeks. He didn’t even want to break that down into days and hours and minutes, because it would hurt way too much. Jaxon Sawyer has been known to do some really stupid shit in his time, reallystupid shit. But he was pretty sure this made top five. And he was pretty sure he’s...
Three weeks. It'd been three long weeks since he'd seen that face, heard that voice, been close to him... His apartment was a mess, bottles all over the place, a few glasses, mugs with tea still in them, and cigarettes piling up in his ashtrays. His clothing was rumpled, there were bags under his eyes that indicated about six hours of sleep... A week. Crushing the empty coffee cup in his hand, he threw it down next to the other one's. That would be the last time he left the apartment for a few days. Being the boss meant he could call in and telecommute when he felt like it. Pretty nice for a man nursing an oh-so broken heart.
Of course he'd gotten the texts and the phone calls. But he'd ignored every last one. Jaxon didn't deserve an answer right now, he deserved to be hurting even an inkling of the amount Timothy was. "I love you" meant staying. It didn't mean running.
So when he heard that familiar voice he flinched visibly, his eyes slamming shut and then opening. It could be a dream. But all he wanted was five minutes. And that was all he'd get. Opening the door, he gave the other a hard stare. "You get five minutes. Five fucking minutes to explain where the fuck you've been. Kidnapped by aliens? Had to go on the run from people who wanted to hurt you? Because really, those are some of the only answers I'm even close to accepting, Jaxon." His lips were set in a thin, hard line as he stared at him, stepping aside to let him in.
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texts; [ Jax & Tim ]
Tim: Shut. Up.
Tim: Come over before I change my fucking mind.
Tim: That's an order.
Jax: Yes sir.
Jax: I'm bringing dinner. Because I'm sure you haven't eaten. And I know you don't have any real food in your kitchen.
Tim: I think I ate yesterday or something.
Tim: Maybe.
Tim: Whatever, just come over.
texts; [ Jax & Tim ]
Tim: I'm sure.
Tim: If it'll make sure you sleep...
Tim: Don't ask me again, please.
Jax: That makes me think that you aren't sure. I don't want this to make things worse.
Jax: This is supposed to be about /you/ sleeping, Commissioner.
Tim: Shut. Up.
Tim: Come over before I change my fucking mind.
Tim: That's an order.
texts; [ Jax & Tim ]
Tim: Come over.
Jax: Be sure, angel.
Jax: Shit, fuck. I'm sorry. i didn't mean to say that. I'm sorry.
Tim: I'm sure.
Tim: If it'll make sure you sleep...
Tim: Don't ask me again, please.
texts; [ Jax & Tim ]
Tim: Don't hate yourself, please. I hate that you hate yourself. Okay. So I hate a few things. You fighting, you beating yourself up.. The look you get in your eyes when you know you hurt me.
Tim: No. I haven't slept, really slept, in seven months.
Tim: I can't sleep without you.
Tim: The nightmares.. They're worse.
Jax: How can I not hate myself, Tim? I'm the one that keeps hurting you. I'm the one that left. I'm the one that can't stay. Every fucking thing that's wrong is my fault. If I was different, we could be happy. /You/ could be happy. I came back, and put more poison and pain back into your life. I'd cut myself open and bleed myself dry if it meant you never had to hurt again.
Jax: Wouldn't you hate yourself too?
Jax: Two words, Tim. Two words, and I can take the nightmares away.
Tim: Come over.
texts; [ Jax & Tim ]
Tim: It means something.
Tim: I want you back so badly, you know that?
Tim: I miss you.
Tim: I miss every-fucking-thing about you.
Tim: You're not sleeping?
Jax: I hate this. I hate myself. I hate that I can't just be fucking normal. For you, I want to be boyfriend material. I want to be able to stay in one place, I want to be someone you can count on. But I guess that counts for jack shit.
Jax: Everything? You sure? I'm positive you don't miss seeing me beat up.
Jax: Of course not, Tim. I got used to sleeping next to you. Nothing since that even feels like rest.
Jax: Are you?
Tim: Don't hate yourself, please. I hate that you hate yourself. Okay. So I hate a few things. You fighting, you beating yourself up.. The look you get in your eyes when you know you hurt me.
Tim: No. I haven't slept, really slept, in seven months.
Tim: I can't sleep without you.
Tim: The nightmares.. They're worse.
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texts; [ Jax & Tim ]
Tim: I know that now, at least.
Tim: But you'll never be that guy for anyone, will you?
Tim: A part of me wishes you never came back. And the rest of me wishes you'd never left. [ DELETED. ]
Tim: I just miss what we used to have.
Tim: I miss the good moments.
Tim: And I'm not even talking about the sex. I'm talking about the morning afters, the cuddles after we were spent, the laughter, the jokes, the late nights with just you and me.
Tim: I miss the relationship we never had.
Jax: I'm sorry I never told you before.
Jax: I don't know, Tim. Honestly, I really don't.
Jax: I miss reading to you. I miss you sitting next to the stove while I cooked. And trying to sneak tastes. I miss actually sleeping.
Jax: I'm sorry I fucked everything up. I know it was my fault.
Jax: I can't help but wonder if my apologies even mean anything.
Tim: It means something.
Tim: I want you back so badly, you know that?
Tim: I miss you.
Tim: I miss every-fucking-thing about you.
Tim: You're not sleeping?
texts; [ Jax & Tim ]
Tim: I don't fucking know Jaxon! I don't.. I don't know
Tim: Want? Yes. Yes, god, yes. I want you in my life, I want you around all the time, I want you to cook me breakfast and make me laugh and make sure I eat and sleep and take care of myself.
Tim: I want that.
Tim: But we can't have that, can we?
Jax: You need to be taking care of yourself, Tim.
Jax: I miss your smile, and your laugh, and the way your eyes crinkle and light up. I miss seeing that smile you had just for me. I wonder if it even exists anymore. Or if I've fallen too far from your grace. [ DELETED. ]
Jax: If I was going to be that guy for anyone, It'd be you. You know that... right?
Tim: I know that now, at least.
Tim: But you'll never be that guy for anyone, will you?
Tim: A part of me wishes you never came back. And the rest of me wishes you'd never left. [ DELETED. ]
Tim: I just miss what we used to have.
Tim: I miss the good moments.
Tim: And I'm not even talking about the sex. I'm talking about the morning afters, the cuddles after we were spent, the laughter, the jokes, the late nights with just you and me.
Tim: I miss the relationship we never had.
