Since then, and perhaps this is just the nature of post-grad friendships, but I also noticed how I quickly became friends with certain people at work, but then once a project ended or they left the firm, our relationship died out. Looking back and seeing how a change in circumstances has made me grow apart with people has pushed me to develop the mechanism of protecting myself first. I am afraid of growing attached and not being able to let go. Thus, I start to expect when we would grow apart so that I can manage my own expectations. 

Although I may seem open, I am more comfortable building up layers, creating an impression that I want others to have of me. Sometimes, on nights when I come home, I feel empty. Like the brief happiness and laughter that came out of me wasn’t real. I laughed and smiled, but it wasn’t from the heart. They were expressions that I made so that I fit into the scenario. I spent more energy hiding my insecurities. 

So Far Away (a song written by Suga ‘Agust D’ from BTS, featuring Suran)

Even my friends and family are drifting away, I feel anxious as time passes by It feels like I’m all by myself, I hope everything disappears when I’m alone I hope things disappear like mirage, I hope things disappear, I hope my damn self disappears I’m abandoned like this in the world, in this moment I’m drifting away from the sky I’m falling 

You had two or three cars before I turned 10. Mom always noted that you drove more miles away from home using those wheels, than taking us anywhere for fun. We didn’t like your driving style, anyways--our chests always jerked forward at every stop you made. 

I remember sometime in elementary school, I was sleeping in the back of your black Nissan. I didn’t know where we were going, but that we stopped at a diner. You chose the classic burger and fries, and I got a toasted bagel with cream cheese. After you settled the bill at the counter, a white lady, probably in her 50′s, with large blonde curls, offered me a lollipop. I rejected it even though I wanted it. I thought it was the right move, expecting her to egg the lollipop into my hands. As I dragged my steps behind you, I heard disappointment in your voice as you told me that I should have taken it. I was confused; I thought modesty could be practiced anywhere and with anyone. (But, probably works best with Chinese aunts and uncles.) I was still trying to figure out how to express my true desires and thoughts, between Chinese and American standards. 

Away in Boston, I knew that you and mom had no idea what I was doing on campus, what I studied or my own struggles. You guys would ask once every few months if I knew what I was doing, which I responded with a firm “yes.” Nothing further. Nothing more. I wasn’t pretending either, but I did not want to show you my struggles. I understood then why mom sent photos of her sitting on new furniture at Macy’s back to relatives in China. 

I was counting down the days until graduation. 

I thought in college I went through what was the loneliest periods of my life. Who knew that coming back home, working in the busiest area of the city made me feel even lonelier? 2016-2017 was the longest, most painful period of my life. I ate myself up and the confidence that I built up over the years slowly crumbled before me. I absorbed the problems and challenges that I faced and blamed myself. But who was I go to for help? No one understood. Even when I shared a piece with one or two close friends, I was afraid of being judged. It only felt worse when they asked out of good intentions. Having nothing to say, no good news to share, I withdrew even more. I felt like I was not good enough to meet up with them while they moved on with their lives.

So Far Away (a song written by Suga ‘Agust D’ from BTS, featuring Suran) 

It’s really a bitch to not have something you want to do I know that it seems pathetic to not have a dream like every one “Everything’s going to be alright if you go to university and do as we tell you” I believed in those words but I’m living because I can’t die

From early on, you have always instilled in me the discipline of working hard for my education. When I came to the United States at the age of 4, I remember it was us, and your English-Chinese electronic dictionary. A portable mini-computer that could fit into the deep pockets of your suit pants. You assigned me new words, enough to keep me busy until you came back to New York City every two weeks. I remember the time you proudly exclaimed to mom that I could spell “identification” as we walked down Madison street and promptly requested me to spell it out. On many occasions when it was just the two of us, we frequently visited Pathmark, which was more of a playground for me than the real playground that we passed by along the East River. A refuge with air conditioning on hot summer days and an abundance of English labels in every row, Pathmark became another opportunity for you to teach me something new. Perhaps this is how my love and appreciation for food started. 

In between your sporadic absences, which lasted months at a time, I slowly relied on you less and less. Before I knew it, I was in middle school and our places had switched. You nagged me to go to the public library and internet cafes in Chinatown so that we can find restaurants for sale. At the inconspicuous library on East Broadway, which I routinely visited on my own, I booked two one-hour sessions using our library cards. We both sat on the wooden oak chair, with me driving the mouse. Your impatience at the restaurant listings was met with my desperate plea for you to jot something down in your spiral notebook. By this time, I was old enough to realize that your American Dream of owning a restaurant was an insecurity and illness that constantly loomed in the haze of your thoughts. You believed that achieving this goal would give you “face” and an added value to your name between the busy lips of Chinese relatives and acquaintances. 

Meanwhile, your American Dream for me was a great education. Funny enough, you yelled at me when I rushed home to tell you that I got into the second-ranked high school in the city. Then when I got into a good college, you yelled at me that it was a community college because it shared the same name as the town it was in. 

I don’t blame you though. Like many other immigrant parents, you had blind persistence and determination; or else, how would you have made it here? America was sold to you romantically, and it wasn’t difficult for you to buy into it. Four days after you and mom were married, you left for the other side of the world and she joined you 7 years later. 

January

BTS-You Never Walk Alone

BTS-Love Yourself

I live to understand the world