It Still Hurts

you think it’s over, it’s done, you’re moved on. but then this happens. dreams on a loop all bringing you back to that moment. bringing back the feeling of helplessness. bringing back the feeling of not being heard, the abandonment. bringing back the details of her face that you didn’t want to see. you’re cursed

I wondered when the symptoms would show. when my stupid trauma would rear its fucking head and here it is. The mourning period, the doubt, the discomfort and anxiety….. this is why i was alone. it’s simpler that way

what do you do when you get what you want but it changes….. and suddenly you need to run far away

well they say to get over someone you get under someone new…. but what about when the someone new can cause just as much damage what if this actually feels like it’ll hurt a lot more when it’s gone and you just cant let it end…… idk what i’m going to do I just know whatever I can do to surpress this crush it’s gotta work.. need to stop thinking of her I do

it’s not fair. At my core I want to lead with love but I know i’ve been pushing down this anger and resentment too long and I don’t know where to fucking put it. I compromised, sacrificed and busted my ass to show someone unconditional love and what am I left with? Memories of all the times she made me feel small, unheard, unimportant. The one person who used to treat me like i was everything and by the end of it she made me feel like trash. To make matters worse she thinks she wants to be my friend when really she just wants to feel less shitty about how much she hurt me when the fact of the matter was if she was my friend, if she wanted to be there for me and spend quality time with me then it wouldn’t have been so hard to stay with me. I keep thinking about how cruel it is that I thanked God for this woman, I cherished every morning I looked over at her sleeping body next to mine and all she felt was trapped… but i didn’t deserve that. I didn’t trap her, limit her or anything. I wish I could tell her off. I wish she could actually apologize for what she did with no excuses. Life is cruel i just wish it gets better

god I miss her so much, maybe she’s not every thought like a few months ago but she still is a lot of my thoughts…. I keep asking myself if I am missing something real or something I made up… her touch feels so distant I don’t know if i’d even recognize it these days. I feel like she wouldn’t recognize me either…. everything has changed and yet my feelings, they’re so strong and still only for her. I’m so fucked.

I feel like i’m losing everything and I’m going to fail… and i don’t know how to deal with it

I feel like i’m losing everything and I’m going to fail… and i don’t know how to deal with it

i don’t wanna do this anymore this isn’t my life it’s not what i wanted

I don’t know how to not be sad… how to not feel this emptiness in me…. idk how to not cry and think of the past…. I keep getting so overwhelmed I think it’s all over, I cant overcome this feeling and I def cant do it alone which is how you left me, no one ever listened to me the way you did and now i’m back to being silent… fuck i fucking hate this

I really want to hate myself. Stereotypically waiting by the phone because of what you said, thinking every text is from you. It’s stupid letting you control me and my thoughts like this and yet knowing that I still cant help it.