Just Do You

Children have always been a given for me. My entire life, from the first time I saw another baby or the first time I was handed a baby doll to play with, I knew I wanted to be a mum.

The same way in which people have reasons to not want to have children, I have my reasons to want them. I not only want a child but also what can come along with them. I crave an unconditional love, one that makes someone look at me and think, "no matter what, we'll make this work", someone who (maybe not even consciously) thinks, "I can't wait to marry you and have a family". I want the entire bubble. I want all the good, all the ugly, and everything in between that comes with it. Being part of my own family unit will make me come alive, something I've always known about myself and can feel is missing in my heart. There's always been a gap there for it and I've been trying to fill it.

I've had two serious relationships now and the most recent one hurt me deeply when it ended. We had known eachother years before and had come back together only to realise there was something between us. Before starting anything, we had a no-bullshit conversation where we talked honestly about what we want out of a relationship. I told him my side of wanting a family and he expressed that this is something he also wanted. I felt relief. I couldn't believe that maybe, just maybe, I was finally getting my turn.

Eight months into the relationship he tells me that he is no longer sure if he wants a family. We broke up. My heart has been shattered and the algorithm of life will not let me forget what I could have had.

Every day I listen to music while I work and lately Spotify has been playing me IVF ads and talking about my fertility health, and artists I follow on Instagram who do little drawings and comics seem to be suddenly focussed on being happily child free.

In recent years, it has become more the norm to break away from the traditional family unit as people decide they want to be single, be childless, work on their career, have pets instead, travel, follow their creative dreams etc. There are so many people out there in their "Aunty era" and living their best "Aunty life". I have a niece who lives in my house, she is my favourite person on the planet, I know how this feels. I know of the fierce Aunty love but I also want that maternal love in a family of my own creation.

The thing that pisses me off most and makes me so god damn sad that I had to put this down into words, is that in current times, support and love is there for people choosing not to have children. Your peers agree with you, strangers on the internet agree with you. Me? I'm at my own table, one no one seems to want to be at.

Here I am crying into the abyss as I've had my heart broken for the second time, but this time it's so much harder.