THOUGHT I KNEW A THING OR TWO ABOUT THE BLUES

I get so much anxiety when someone tells me they were watching what I was listening to on Spotify

“do you like me first and the gimme gimmes?” holy shit how about you just make me swoon my goddamn ass off lol

At this point I feel like my heart is just gonna fall out of my fucking chest

Preparing for the worst, hoping for the best

Why am I such a fuckin dingus

Brb gotta ruin everything that’s ever made me happy real quick, want me to grab you anything while I’m out?

You called my saying you don’t have a mountain of free time on your hands oh I feel so undesired

fucking hell man I just wanna be happy

I honestly just want to understand if it’s useless to feel this way. If things would be better if I completely changed I huge feeling that’s unwillingly very present in my life. It’s not like I wanna feel this way. I try to ignore this feeling and then it distracts me from everything going on, making me an anxious wreck. I’ve seemed to notice no one else really cares about what i care about, making me think I’m wrong for thinking this way. If i was wrong for feeling this way, why would it distract and disrupt me so much. Why would it make me upset. I don’t want to be upset, but that entire discussion almost brings me to tears. It’s so embarrassing explaining why I feel this way. I don’t want to feel this way, it’s obviously hard to control. It’s been going on for so long I just wish I wasn’t like this. I wish I didn’t think this way. I wish someone understood. I wish it didn’t make me feel terrible. I wish someone felt the same way I do so I could understand myself. I wish this wasn’t something that obviously affects me so much. I wish I could live a happy life ignoring these feelings. I could see a happy life if I didn’t feel this way, maybe it’s an excuse I’ve made all my life because I’m scared. Maybe I feel this way for a reason. I have no idea. I’m scared I’ll never know. I just want to stop being so fucking upset all the time. I’m wasting my life being sad.

I’m so stupid and very obviously not happy but I guess I’m gonna keep ignoring that and pretending I am. I honestly don’t know what to do at this point. I feel like anything I say or do to make myself happier is only making things worse. It’s not like I’m always unhappy, sometimes I’m happy. But I’m definitely not happy enough. I wanna say something in hopes that things will change but I feel like it hasn’t been working so why will it work this time. I guess I’m just going to sit by along for the ride and see what happens. Its just a bummer feeling like everything is going well one moment and things are really good, and then it’s like that never happened and I’m back to being as unhappy as I was originally. I don’t understand what more I can do to fix this situation. I want to be happy, and it seems like I’m going to be happy, but somehow all of that is ignored and never seemed to happen.

I’d rather be fucked than sad

At least tomorrow my mom and brothers and I are gonna shoot off his guns to commemorate him. Miss you every day buddy.

On the verge of tears at work too anxious to tell anyone tomorrow’s the 3 year anniversary of my old man passing away. I’m terrified everyone just thinks I’m an asshole when in reality I just really don’t wanna burst into tears in front of all my coworkers. Guess I’ll go cry in the bathroom. Hope no one asks why I’m in here so long.