t4t + kink junk

I am once again recommending the new topping book to anyone who wants a more detailed look at this, but i’m going to talk about some key points here that have changed the way i dom for the better.

- you need to be aware of your own capacity. it is better to say “that’s really hot but i don’t currently have the energy to provide the kind of aftercare that would require” than to do a hot scene and get lost in the drop.

- when you dom, you are taking on responsibility for the physical and emotional well-being of both your sub and yourself. you need to be prepared to do this. emotionally this means being prepared, provide aftercare, check in with them, deal with bad sub drop if it happens. Physically this is where we get into some basic RACK.

- I want to talk a little bit about the risk aware part of RACK. it is your responsibility, and this one applies to the sub and the dom, to do your research. knowing “oh this is risky” does not count as risk aware. you need to be looking into specific risks for specific scenes and seeing how one should handle them. for bondage this means learning how to do it properly, always having safety shares on hand, things like that. for knife play, it means having first aid stuff on hand. i for one know where my closest ER and urgent care are just in case.

- another thought on risk awareness and risk management, there’s nothing wrong with saying “that’s hot but it’s outside of my risk tolerance.” or even, i can’t tell you how often the conversation is “that’s hot but i need to do more research first.”

-when your sub is deep into subspace, or when the scene is already going on, it is your job as the dom to remember their boundaries and enforce them on their behalf. when your sub is out of it, part of taking responsibility for them is saying “i know that’s outside of your boundaries, we’ll need to negotiate that when we’re not in a scene” or like “that’s hot but we’ve never done it before and i’d feel more comfortable if we talked about it outside of a scene first.” it is better to wait and do the thing later, or not do it, than to risk violating your sub in a way that matters!

Doms can be needy for attention too.

Doms can ask for reassurance too.

Doms can be clingy too.

Doms can be not in the mood too.

Doms can get jealous and insecure too.