im really out here overanalyzing every film i can

i try to pretend im in love with being alive i close my eyes while i drive sometimes the all-consuming darkness eating longer and longer seconds of my vision i make a point to 'forget' if ive taken my medication the pills run out before the month ends i let the throws of sleep overtake my form the pleasant absence of thoughts theres the chance that itll be the death of me i think im disillusioned

there is this unrelenting desire to be able to be loved to be worthy of such a thing, to be desired enough to be gifted with it i love like misshapen nail drove into a floorboard: long, messy, unable to be corrected unless completely removed annoyingly and full-bodied deep with everything and nothing less it hurts when you trip into it this desire plagues me, curdles inside my chest behind the sternum it blooms in places that tortures the sweetest people in my life therefore it also tortures me, but that is less important i love like a oil spill: anyone who gets caught in it will inevitably suffer slowly and constantly i love and i wish i could stop

i want the ability to go over to someone’s house and simply sleep, not to hangout, or to talk, just to sleep in their company, i want to feel the safety of being watched for, i want that closeness to simply rest. 

cant you be a little meaner? a little more tough with me? i dont want to think about the way your fingertips are soft on my hands or the way you dont ever wrap your arms around me too tight this gentleness is terrifying in how foreign it feels im used to the roughness of a flooded river the raging of the waters against overflowing banks of sand  i almost want you to be cruel and dig your nails into my skin to draw blood and enjoy it but your softness is so beautiful 

we will carve out our names into old and broken branches you hold the knife and dig it in hard while hold you steady ill pretend i dont see the anguish written across your features like a worn and loved journal page you know ive memorized by heart and youll pretend that im not the one who needs to be held still that you need those two hands on your shoulders we will lay ourselves bare to the world on this night but just not each other

you are a forlorn song that i will only ever know one word of we run on different roads that go the same way but never join ive never wanted to kiss someone more in my life than i have you but i cant ever fufill that wish that dark wish that i wish would rot in my stomach that would die out in some lonely corner im so sorry that i want you like a star-crossed lover youre my best friend and i love you  you are the brightest star in the sky that forms the wonderful constellations  the warmth on the coldest of winter nights that call, that shoulder, that person i lean on the person i love but can never have you have no possibility of loving me back no matter how much i wish you would you arent gay 

its the beginning of the end as i draw closer to the start of this it floods the senses but at the risk of naming the beast the outlines will be blurry this is the final year the familiarity of shelter will depart as i do or dont the people around me are going to leave for better places and im happy for them i want to leave too i want to stay the friends ive grown to have will no longer be a walkable distance away my legs will carry me to you but im trying to leave my destructive self behind i love them but im afraid the distance will change us badly that itll make us unrecognizable from the other despite our years together and im afraid of leaving behind my small town  and im afraid ill never leave here  i dont want this to end because it has been so good to me im so scared to finish this because it means i cant go back you live once through and through but i never thought id make it this far i thought i wouldnt still be here  that id never have to think this through or fear this but i do and im here  and i am so so scared

there is an animal under my skin it crawls it crawls and it writhes the imprisonment of itself suffocating and unwarranted no sun no sky not even a hint of light the inability to stretch once languid limbs moving arms snagged on the unforgiving tautness the entrapment of its form so brutal personal hell without the blessing of death the ensnaring of its soul living is not living without warmth not fire

you gave me your music to listen to every part of it almost screams things i never knew about  i want to know you in the same way maggots want to eat i am starving to feast on the knowledge of you  it would become something i need to survive it has in a way  i am desperate to get under your skin to see how you breathe, how your bones move but not in practice, i am not that obsessive it is words in words, for words’ sake 

i wanted this since i was eight and itll hurt me i know it does but i need to know why the thorns cuts my legs and why they bleed such thick red drops  i run to you and lay my head in you lap  my legs are bleeding dont patch me up dont touch keep talking let my bleed sink your knife into my chest and carve deeper and deeper speak soft and when you pause to ask if i still want to know i will tell you ‘yeah’ keep digging it into me and ignore the blood that flood my lungs and runs down my nose carve me right open on this couch that isnt ours but replaced the ones that used to be where we both were defiled beyond repair and know you still weep that you were his angel that he loved you and with blood soaked teeth i will tell you of ufos and aliens with blue light shining over me and you tell me it was a man bathed in the blue of his porch light  he sucked the childhood right out of us and i wish that was a metaphor  i wish we were metaphors so this never happened my throat is filling up with red from your wound and you stop but not because you saw the red but because there was no more to tell and the carols were getting closer and my blood had stained your clothes  the man ruined us i cant touch anyone i cant be touched by anyone except maybe you because his hands reached inside and pulled out all your parts and mashed them back in your hand on my head doesnt burn like the boiling of his skin the carols get closer and i want to bleed out on this couch in this room under your arms but you wont let me go you wont let me die because im the only one who understands that man in the way you do too youll keep that hand in my hair stroking down then back up then down once more and we’d rot on that couch if we could but it is no longer the couch we were laid on  so clean up the blood stain and escape out the back door because this was the way we were meant to be

Me lose hell for me could i not do it for him? i spit it out then i’d tell them the dreams that would lead me to God it doesn’t help  it’s three after nine. late. where the ache lies over clasped hands. could i not do it for him?

the noise was never unpleasant please never worry about that i could never hate you with any fiber of my being despite the inherited rage that comes from all fathers the kind that curdles all the love in your heart to red but that wears off and leaves grey and gouged guilt in its stead keep humming off-key i wont be mad id still peel those oranges for you pick them off sliver by sliver their skin staining my hands citrus and place them gently in your palms its a kiss without kissing you my little symbol of devotion the noise was not unpleasant  please keep making it

theres moments i dont remember that youre gone that youre still here in this house making coffee cooking breakfast sleeping in the room over there it sneaks up like a bad storm you werent gone six months ago you were still here in my head youre still here down in the south loving the warm weather while you sat outside you are laughing and dancing in the dining room and smiling as your friends watch you you are down at the beach with us  enjoying the sea i speak in the present but youre in the past youre so far away now  i barely remember what you sound like 

someone please call me and tell me its alright that my words arent too heavy to speak or too light to matter he called when i asked but then politely declined he was my friend i hope and im so sorry to have ever wanted him as a lover how do i fix this to go back to the before please laugh and joke and call me please anyone