& maybe i'll be better if i take my meds

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Lex frowned. He hadn’t meant to upset her, to sour her day in any way. Yet there he was with his big stupid mouth doing just that. With a kiss to her cheek and a gentle squeeze of her hand, “Then I’ll put it out of my mind too.” He said, pulling her from the ledge. “We live in the now and we live for the adventures of the moment.”

Lex had an idea and it was ridiculous, but he felt they needed a little ridiculous in life at the moment, “When you were married, did you get the whole experience wedding planning experience? More specifically did you get to go to all the local bakeries and try wedding cake options?”

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It was easy to get tightly wound when you were already tied up in knots. Jennifer had to remind herself this was only Lex. This was only a friend and real ones did not possess bad intentions. It was an easy thing to believe at the mention of dozens upon dozens of cake options. She could not even help the way her lips unintentionally quirked, sending her face into a grin.

“Can we even say we have a favorite flavor of cake if we haven’t tried them all?” Jennifer suggested rather cheekily, shrugging her coat back onto her shoulders. “I’ve got to wash this mayo off my hands beforehand. Wait for me, I’ll be a minute.” The walk to the toilets was not a long one, but she still glanced over her shoulder on the way for a quick view of her friend gathering their lunch trash.

All was fine, all was safe.

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“Guess you’ll have to come in here more, yeah?” She might’ve been getting a handle on this whole friendly, peppy thing. Would it last? Who was to say, but for now, there was money in her account, air in her lungs, and an open future waiting for her to grab. 

The question surprised her as much as it thrilled her. “Bass, acoustic, electric, ukulele. Just don’t put me near a violin or a harp. I’d be hopeless. Everything else is doable.”

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Finger to her chin, a wide smile spread across Jennifer’s face to say hello. “This means you’d know just as well what to do with a cello, will we ever need one.” She released a miniscule but hopeful sigh before continuing. Sugar packets were absently splayed across the table as she spoke, “Has life changed for you in many ways since auditions, too? I don’t expect anyone to make time for this band nowadays, but... I think -- No, I’ll say with confidence, if your life has changed or if it hasn’t, this would still be good for you.” Seeing your own life from many perspectives also seemed to change the outlook Jennifer had with music. She’d felt within the months, she’d matured as a person and musician. 

Jennifer thought herself to be rather crazy, too, prioritizing this in the midst of Olin’s wake. Was it such a crime to think of herself first? He was such a goddamn drama queen.

“Do you want to make music with me?”

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Esmeralda smiled to herself. “I think it means you’re paying attention.” Between her thumb and forefinger she pinched a bite of the muffin’s top and popped it in her mouth. “Mmm,” she judged it. 

“You’re up late,” she observed.

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“I could make the argument I’m up all too early,” she spoke softly, picking at a stray thread with nails that surely needed to be clipped about a week ago. “I won’t,” Jennifer concluded and deflated just as suddenly. “I’m a master of losing myself, it would seem. I think I’ve got a hang on who I am and then life shifts at once without leaving behind a map. The last time I felt myself was that day of the band auditions. It might’ve only been months ago, but it could’ve fooled me into being decades.” Was that day even a blip in anyone’s memory apart from hers?

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Would Hattie describe herself as happy? Oddly enough, yes. She certainly didn’t want to be working as a waitress, having already hated time spent in food service. But there was comfort in the routine that it offered, a reminder of why she was here at all. That living had to be the point. Everything else came second.

“You get used to it. Mostly because they’re fun to stack when you’re a kid.” She wasn’t worried about the word witch being thrown around, nor by seeing Jen. They weren’t friends, they weren’t enemies, they were acquaintances, which means there was opportunity. 

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A head quirked sideways before fingers began to pluck out tiny cartons to stack up high and tall. Her first attempt was a fail after only three placements, causing her to glance up to Hattie all doe eyed, “You’ll have to teach me sometime.” It was a small offering of a miniscule task, yet it felt a grand gesture. It felt... rather liberating to be so open while in the midst of the Burke war. Herself versus Olin, wherever he was now.

“May I ask if you play only the electric or bass? Or, well, I suppose I just have.” Jenny exhaled a content sigh, smile crossing her face.

Fate, coincidence. It did not matter. A familiar face brought great relief to Jennifer in the middle of the buzzworthy London. They’d spoken enough times to count on a single hand (if that), but she would always remember the sensational girl that’d strummed her guitar.

“Breakfast tea?” Jennifer read from the paper menu. “Is there--? Oh.” She was drawn to the peculiar single-serve cups of skimmed-milk. Disposable, too? Muggles were awfully wasteful at times, but she was thankful for the milk most definitely.

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“Amen to that.” Lex said as he ate his own breakfast sandwich, complete with tomato and chipotle mayo. “You ever miss being a child?” He asked, as they sat in the lovely quietness of the small park. “Carefree, not having to worry about the big bad world. Not knowin that it’s anything other than a mess.” Though had that been her experience? Was she allowed to be carefree? Allowed to be a child?

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An instinctive and deep pout crossed Jennifer’s face, her cards not being held close to her chest at the moment. Little did Lex know, or maybe he somehow had, it’s all Jennifer thought of nowadays. Her parents had left her gravely unprepared. Now, she was afraid of her wife, of her friends. Nothing was much different than childhood. She was failing her kids with each breath she inhaled and exhaled. 

She could no longer enjoy the sandwich, discarding it to the side.

“If nothing can change, I don’t want to imagine it. I don’t want to miss it. I don’t know that I was ever carefree a day in my life. I’m eternally worried about what is next.”

There were no second chances in the Burke household. Let alone this world each soul helplessly existed in.

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She confessed herself surprised. “For me?” There was an eagerness in her voice reserved only for food, particularly sweets that smelled as good as those muffins did. It was suddenly she realized her hunger, so strong it must have been there all along, ignored. Bed could wait. “Come.” She gestured to an old leather couch in the dj booth. “Sit. To what do I owe the pleasure?”

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“They hadn’t been made with you in mind, but the cottage is about overflowing. I’ve taken up baking. Do you know how affordable flour can be?” After the seat was taken, no amount of smoothing could have taken out the countless wrinkles of Jennifer’s skirt. “I was listening to your show. Quite something.”

She gulped, as one did when revealing such vulnerabilities, “What does it mean when the violin brings you to tears each time?”

“Meal deals were a genius muggle creation, I won’t lie.” She quite enjoyed the bacon, sausage, and egg triple they’d found while cruising the shops. They were stopped at park so tiny now, she wasn’t sure if it was significant enough to be written onto a map. She appreciated the quaintness of it. She even loved the squishy sound the damp grounds made underneath her Docs as they swung.

Esmeralda was but a charged up magnet Jennifer was drawn to every time they were in close proximity. Her own feet had carried her to the HWN building tonight. She could’ve been brought to tears, swept up in violin musings and nostalgia all at once having not been on campus for some time. Jenny held her composure when need be and the moment now called for it, having a desire to impress Esmeralda Macnair eternally.

Jennifer rose a hand to wave a hopeful greeting before pointing towards the twined basket of goodies, “Banana-walnut muffins.” Lex’s mum’s recipe.

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Olin… The name flickered, slowly at first, until a lightbulb of recognition came to life over her head. “Olin!” Hestia gasped. The wind dragged its cold nails against her forehead. The skin beneath her gloves felt suddenly very feverish and itchy. She pulled a hand from one of them before wrapping it around Jennifer’s wrist.

“When? How?” For every question her tongue managed to form, another three cropped up in the queue, but this one lingered in the autumn fog that Hestia heaved into the Orchard. Even with the Dementors gone from Azkaban, she couldn’t imagine Olin – bless him – succeeding against a Hit Wizard. Was there a second shoe behind Jennifer’s back, ready to detonate? Hestia reached into her pocket, where the handle of her wand had become something of a comfort in the past twenty-four hours. Her eyes darted between the trees.

.“Where is he?”

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“He’s been to Kent. He could have been in Banchory yesterday. He could be here now.” Jennifer did not hide truth from Hestia, because they were two capable witches. Two witches from different sides of the same coin. 

She did not know if it was the climate of the world or her life that’d poisoned the crisp autumn air, because it hurt to breathe with every inhale. “I need to know, I needed to know how far he would go, but this was a horrible, horrible mistake.” Jennifer wanted to survive, but not if it meant drowning people with her. “I’m sorry for asking you here, after everything going on.” A cold hand wiped at her stray tears and she about cursed herself for leaving in such a hurry, she’d forgotten her gloves. She’d about forgotten her mind, too. Too much, too fast. It’s how she lived.

“Can we go to the cottage?”

When wouldn’t it be a prison? She hadn’t learned anything about Olin’s whereabouts today, but she now knew how great her fear was.

The outburst happened so fast that Leonora barely had time to brace herself against it. She couldn’t claim to not know where Jen was coming from, but she had gotten it all wrong. “Jen, for Merlin’s sake–”, but the other wouldn’t stop talking, barking at her as though she was the one who had just threatened her life. “Jennifer!” Her voice was louder for a moment, a mix of impatience and irritation, before collecting herself again. “For what’s worth, I’m glad you and I are finally on the same page about your husband. But that’s beside the point.” She took a moment to sigh, trying her hardest not to snap at Jen even if she seemed to be asking for it.

“I will leave, if that’s what you actually want and not just an outburst. But I’m not telling you to abandon your kids. I’m saying you’re not safe and if they’re near you, neither are them.” Leo wasn’t going to soften this blow for Jen, especially not when she had decided to make her a punching bag. She loved Jennifer, she did, but she’d better get her shit together soon. “Do things your way, if you will. It’s your call. Just don’t say I didn’t try to help.” She concluded, turning on her heel to leave the cottage.

.

She did not allow herself to crumble until the coast was clear of anymore betrayal. Jennifer, hands clutching her throat, broke down into wave thrashing sobs. Ruthie rushed from another room at the sounds of a ruckus, kneeling down beside the broken woman. The ginger nanny held Jennifer close, both cooing soft whisperings into her ears and stroking tenderly at her long locks, desperately trying to piece her together again.

I’m glad you and I are finally on the same page about your husband. Just don’t say I didn’t try to help.

There were no wounds to be seen, but everywhere stung and everywhere ached. Hot white pain tore through Jennifer’s chest, that’d only been opened for the very first time. The one before who knew of Marceaux’s terror had caged her. Leo now possessed the very key that could free her of shackles. But Leonora made her choice clear. She threw away the key.

Jennifer would stay trapped another lifetime in this feeling. The boat capsized beneath her again. She was so alone, so ashamed.

.

Leo had to read and reread the anonymous note for Jen’s words to register. Olin Burke, the older brother, one that she hadn’t really had an opportunity to meet, but he sure wasn’t making a good impression. She was aware that Jen had a brother in Azkaban, but not that she was the one who had placed him there. “Honey,” she hated that this was going to be her first question, but it was an important one, “does your husband know about this?”

In response to the fear in Jen’s eyes, Leo gave a squeeze to the small hand she was still holding. “You’ll be safe. I’ll do everything in my power to ensure it.” Her voice was firm, stern even. There weren’t that many people out there who she truly, genuinely cared about, but Jen was one of them - and Olin was just about to find out how far she could go for her sake. Now, however, was the time to strategize. And she did have something in mind, but whether or not Jennifer would agree was something else entirely. “And as for the girls… I’m afraid the best you can do is to separate yourself from them for a while, dear.”

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“My husband!” Jennifer’s hands flew to the air, perplexed by everything that flew from Leo’s lips. “My husband is a traitorous, abusive cunt. My husband’s the type of man to suggest I abandon our premature children in the grand scheme of survival.” Was the outburst fair when Jennifer had kept this chunk of her life hidden in the deepest abyss of her ocean heart forever? “I should bury him and I should bury you for ever allowing such an incredulous thought to cross your mind.”

The fire blazed untethered in Jennifer’s eyes, a rather decent reaction for a mother of two. The anger had triggered the switch that needed to be flicked on for so very long. The protectiveness unsheathed itself like King Arthur’s sword and her Excalibur words sliced through the tense air existing between witches.

“Get out and don’t you ever come back.”

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Hestia gaped at Jennifer in surprise. The attack in Banchory the day prior had proven that the grey clouds hanging over the Wizarding world had no intention of clearing any time soon. Even in a place as peaceful as Appleby, she found herself glancing over her shoulder at every turn. Who knew what was hiding between the trees.

“You have no reason to apologize,” Hestia reassured the witch gently. “We both know what the world looks like right now.” In the pause between her words, she studied the immediate details of the Orchard for signs of trouble. “Do you want to talk about it?”

.

Jennifer wanted to speak of it so badly, she may have burst. She may completely burst to the point of obliteration if she were not careful with everything she had bottled up in that head and welcoming heart of hers. A frail hand found Hestia’s to hold as they strolled through the row. It might’ve been brighter to hold tighter onto her wand, but it was the touch of another human that would always ultimately calm her, even here now in their country, as places tumbled into dust and ash.

It was time to relieve some of the pressure, by letting tight lips go once and for all. The tenseness seemed to ease as soon as she spoke, “Olin is out. He’s out. Broken out, Hestia.” If she hadn’t just broken down into tears, Jennifer would have said she was handling it bravely. The lack of a brave face did not mean a less courageous heart, as much as it often appeared so. Calmed some, she ran a tongue over her chapped lips and opened her mouth once more, “It would do them well to keep escapes quiet at the moment, would it not?”

Had the situation been just a little bit different, Leo would had genuinely thought that the question was a joke, especially with the added more than ever at the end. “Would I trust them?” She repeated the question, brows furrowed in confusion, as though that would help her understand what was going on. But Jennifer’s gaze, for as tense as it was, seemed to be dead serious. “I don’t think so, no.” She answered sincerely, brain racing to make some sense of the situation. “Why do you ask?”

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“Because,” in the next breath she deeply inhaled held every hope and desire of the sole dream Jennifer held so near and dear -- please, do not be somebody who betrays me. She decided to trust Leonora. “Because, I believe my brother has escaped Azkaban. Olin is free and this time, he knows I was the reason he was destined to live long days and dreadfully cold nights in that horribly barren wasteland.”

With a hazel wand, the petite witch beckoned the anonymous note -- the threat -- forefront from across the cottage. It was not the handwriting she’d narrowed in on, but the words. Of course, he’d chosen the Shakespearian tale they’d shared as a bedtime story over the course of a decade. His flair for the dramatics was not lost upon his sister. She handed the parchment over.

“I always thought I wanted to die, Leo, but my brother’s need to knock me down at every corner has made me want to live.” More than ever. “I fear for my life, but now I fear for theirs. Allegra. My Alys.” Did she go to law enforcement? Were there necessary precautions a real mother would take? “What do I do to survive?”

Leonora eyed the nanny suspiciously as she left the room before turning her attention back to Jen. She had grown unfortunately used to seeing her friend sad or disturbed, especially so in the past year, but this was something else entirely. Even though she was clearly trying to hide it, Jen’s electric blue eyes seemed highly alert, almost scared. “Honey, what’s going on?” Leo took her friend’s hands on hers, and found that they were cold and trembling. The realization only made the worry on her stomach grow further. “You’re pale. And shaking.”

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“I’m scared, I am, but I’m calm,” there was an eleven between Jennifer’s brows, painted in confusion as to what Leo was witnessing before her. Did Jen always appear so weak in the eyes of those she surrounded herself by? She felt she’d taken the necessary precautions thus far. Though fear coursed through her veins so suddenly and harshly, she did feel, she was holding her own very well. Everyone made her feel so crazy. As if she were existing as somebody else to be used.

Jennifer licked her lips, tentatively. Deep thought is what beckoned her forward, but she stood her ground with a special tenacity. There were steps that needed to be taken and she hoped to God she’d reached out to the correct person.

“I’m sorry,” the rare, but rather genuine, words fell from Jennifer’s lips. “I know I’d promised to bring them out, and introduce you, but...” She stopped herself shy of letting every secret she’d ever held out into the open. “They were born so early. I don’t know that I’m ready.” Jen had conjured the sentence mid-air, thinking the lie was viable. However, at the sound of the admittance, she knew it was no longer a lie. It did not matter if the outside forces of the world were changing hour by hour. A fear instilled itself so deeply inside of her heart the moment her girls had came into this world, far too silent.

“I don’t know what’s going on with me,” that was a lie, however, as real tears sprung to her eyes. She dabbed them away with a handkerchief. It hurt to lie, but it hurt more to be truthful.