Jesus in Disguise

ottessa moshfegh

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@lovisabarkman

The adult in me is heavily breathing.

“I grew up in a very strict household.  I had to dress in a modest way.  I couldn’t drink.  Couldn’t stay out late.  And my family certainly wouldn’t want me marrying a non-Muslim.  Especially a white guy.  It’s not even possible to have an Islamic wedding with a non-Muslim.  But he’s made it clear that he’s not willing to convert.  And I understand his position.  We were just talking about our future yesterday.  I know the situation bothers him.  He wants me to commit.  He wants me to be clear, and say that none of this matters, and that I’m willing to lose everything to be together.  But it’s not that easy.  My uncles would turn away from me.  My aunts would turn away from me.  I’ve seen it happen to other members of my extended family.  I’d like to think that my mom would never leave my side, but she’s a people pleaser, so I can’t be sure.  My father divorced her.  And she’s been carrying that shame all her life.  So I’m not sure if she can handle any more.  Right now I feel like I’m living two lives.  I went home for Eid and it felt like I was living a lie.  I’m not sure what to do.  I know he thinks I’m doubting our relationship.  But it’s not like that at all.  I wouldn’t have invested this much time if I didn’t want to be together.  And I’m willing to do it.  I’m willing to tell the whole world, and my family, and have them never speak to me again.  But in the back of my mind, I can’t help asking myself: ‘Why won’t he convert?  Just for a minute.  He doesn’t have to follow.  But that way I can tell everyone that we’re Muslims.  Why am I the one that has to make the sacrifice?’” (Amsterdam, The Netherlands)