Remnants of a hopeful heart.
Our lives rarely turn out the way we want it to. Why? This is a question, I have never seen anyone ask or answer for that matter. The mystery albeit remains, why can’t our lives turn out the way we imagine or better yet dream it to.
I don’t put much faith in common sayings like things will get better or that it happened because it was supposed to and the condolence is that there wasn’t anything that you could have done to prevent this former from birthing.
Instead, I believe that what happens to us, everything in its intricate details is a result of our own actions. Our actions and words and movements every second of the day, leads to the shaping of our future in both the happiness and sadness. We can’t really see acknowledge or feel it happen because for most of our actions and movements, we are unconscious and seldom, mere nano seconds later we come to the knowledge of what we just did.
I used to want to be conscious for all my seconds of a day. I wanted to be in control and shame my own future.
Unfortunately, I failed and I should say, I failed miserably because now, I spend more time making unconscious actions than I did before. But if to justify it, there is the benefit of not feeling any pain or guilt of running from responsibilities in being unconscious.
Hypocrisy, fakery, mockery, pretending and fakness. This is pretty much what has become of human beings now. As much as we would deny it, it is true. We have turned into a breed of hypocrites who wears the masks of fakery and pretends that everything is perfect, that the illusion of happily ever after is not just a phrase of Disney but is somehow our very own reality yet in our real realities, words like honor, being honest and true- to ourselves and our friends and family, gentleman nature, ladylike manners- have disintegrated into prose of bedtime fairytale stories that can never happen.
In simple words, we pretend. All the time. We pretend that we aren’t hurting or that we may not be okay. We act as if we will not acknowledge the problem, then somehow the problem will disappear and then we cherish on our victory in successfully avoiding the problem.
It is very true and I can say this because I have my first hand experience of it. I have witnessed these actions in eyes of those I love. And just the other day, I heard this quote, ’ you are a gentleman, if you know when to walk away. If you ask for what you deserve.’
None of us are really gentleman’s anymore, I guess.
I am going to a sadistic here and say it out loud that there are not any advantages or benefits of pretending, wearing a mask.
However, there are many disadvantages.
You can pretend that the heartbreak didn’t break you but it did. Doesn’t matter if you pretend because it is still true. You can pretend that you are happy when in fact you haven’t been Happy in ages. You can pretend that the events of past had no effect on you and that you are still the same person that you were before them but it did have an effect and you shouldn’t be the same person after that. It’s twisted to the levels of Ramsey Bolton, if you are still the same person.
Most of us, or at least almost all of us, of my age, young adults or late teenagers are trying to convince the world and themselves that, they are not broken in more pieces than they can count. That they are not depressed to the severe levels. That they are not okay. That we are not okay.
Our elders have successfully taught us the art of disguise. We have created this perfect fiction for ourselves in which we are playing house. This fiction that we have created portrays that everything is fine and perfect and that we one whole person. And we have bought so much into this act that now this has enveloped into our reality.
This is the most unfortunate part. Because of this, we have lost ourselves. We have lost our inspiration and motivation in life. We have our reasons to live or joy of life. We have lost our courage to fight such battle that we have always dreamt of fighting. We have lost the shudders in our hearts, when we run away from nobel acts of bravery and valor. We have lost everything.
We are the forfeited to this rule of pretendence and ignorance that now even our ever so teasing demons have abandoned us; because of our lack of fight.
This is our problem. I have this problem.
This here, was my acceptance. I knew the problem and I knew that I had this problem. Now that this is out of the way, I will move onto the next step.
Finding my lost self and asking for its forgiveness. Because I need its forgiveness as it was my mistake. I stopped fighting. I opted to the easy way of living when no one ever said that life was easy.
It’s okay. We make mistakes. We fail. That’s how we learn. We don’t learn by pretending that we didn’t fail or made the mistake. We learn by acknowledging them. It is okay to see that you are, that we are broken. This picture may not be pretty but at least it is real and true. And these two are a rarity in the world, if we want to inspire them in our ssoulmates, we need to practice them first.
We need to divulge into battle against everyone- even our loved onces because as selfish as this may sound, they have played a part in ruining us. And we are not looking for any revenge, we are only asking for what we deserve, as we should, as is our right.
Its okay, if you are broken. It’s okay if you are lost. It’s okay if you made a mistake. We all are the same. I am the same. I feel and did the same things. But, now you and I, we can begin to accept that we are broken and that we may never be whole again and its okay because with time, when we survive this, these pains of past will shape into scars; our battle wounds that will always be embroided on us and we will live with them.
We will finally see ourselves as the imperfect beings with the mistakes that we made and these scars will help us in not making the same mistakes again. But our hearts, they will be pure; dictating our actions of valor, courage, honor and gentlemanly behavior.
All of this is only possible, if we break from our trance of unconscious, and look at ourselves for what broken mess we are.
-Naba Mehdi
