Life of a 'manic depressive'
I don't know how to label this piece of written work - perhaps it's a review, after watching 'The Secret Life of the Manic Depressive', a two-part documentary presented by Stephen Fry, whom despite huge success in the show business, had suffered (or probably is still suffering) from manic depression, or as what he calls it in the program, the bipolar disorder. But my main aim is to try to share some of my thoughts and personal experiences from the past so hopefully (as always) I can:
1) Identify the problem that has been bothering me for so long
2) Compare with those described in the program
3) Find a coping mechanism so I may get back to a normal life as soon as possible (although I doubt this last point will ever happen on me, but we'll see)
Throughout the program, I managed to connect some of my inner feelings with those presented on screen. As all interviewees explained, they do experience 'episodes' of mood swing, some more often and more dramatic than others. One lady recorded her mood on a scale from +3 to -3 on a daily (or weekly basis) with notes on the symptoms present on a chart, which I find it a very useful and visual technique, not just for her own account, but for those around and wish to help her to understand the mental experiences she's been through (I think I should borrow that technique too). She said during her episodes of 'high-mood', she was creative and energetic, get work done at incredible efficiency, while experiencing 'lows', she could lie in bed for 17 hours!
I too sometimes undergo pockets of highs and lows, though far from the extreme illustration as she described, maybe I simply am not as creative and productive as she can be, or just don't suffer from full-blown mental swing as she does. But my 'highs', which occur very rarely in my pathetic unproductive life so far, also feature energetic positivity. For example, I remember the night before my A-Level Geography exam, I spent 5 hours from 10pm to 3am the next morning, flipping through 2 big folder's materials page-by-page and crumbling everything into my head. Despite late hours and the alarming need for a good rest, I felt so pumped with this simple knowledge absorbing process, and lucky for me (or thank my then-decent photographic memory), I got nearly a full mark on that. So the BIG highs can really be beneficial indeed.
But the lows could be devastatingly toxic. That's where A LOT of the problems stem from. I don't want to label myself as 'manic depressive' or 'bipolar disorder', partly because I feel that what my symptoms were far milder than those diagnosed and featured in the program, and also I don't want to use that label as an excuse for the indecisive, self-unconfident, even lazy behaviours that I often present. It may also be a hallucination, I think, once I put this label on myself, it's an easy escape, throw all the problems on that, try to get sympathy from other people and not to fight as hard as I should. I know the very lazy nature I am embodied and I dare not to tempt it in that way.
Going back to the program, many disordered interviewees featured have attempted suicide. That thought never happened to me. The reasons, I think, are: First, I was never courageous enough to end my own life. Second, I have always had this strange little thought that I would never pass on the age of 25, since I was about 6 or 7. Why 25? I don't know. Maybe since I was little, I'd always expected to have experienced all the 'good' bits in life - like how to properly acquire and utilize knowledge, how to love, how to have fun - by the age of 25. And after that, it's almost wasteful to go through all the burden and inefficient part of life, so I may as well just end life at 25, no point attempting to push the deadline any earlier. Third, I have, what some may call it (so as Tony Slattery calls Stephen Fry in the program), a strong 'moral obligation' of good behaviour. That involves to socialize and interact with people appropriately, disguise our own feelings, even from those closest to us.
For me personally, I remember learning to 'socialize' with the adults since a very young age, almost being proud of 'not talking like a child'. Yet I only realize how that I was never truly happy because all of that was just acting and pretending. And what's worse is that I lost the opportunity to learn to interact and grow (emotionally) like an ordinary child. All the adults - teachers, family, parents' friends - thought I was a model child: obedient, well-behaved, diligent, clever. But even at the age of 9 I started to feel something went wrong: partly because I was the student prefect at school, fellow students all thought I was some kind of teacher's pet, and I always kept a straight face. I couldn't interact with them well. So I was unpopular, I didn't know how to have fun and interact nicely with people my own age, and sadly this problem still hangs today.
Yet on the outside, I continued to pretend all is going well. I never presented my personal feelings to my parents or my grandparents, or anyone. I almost live in this 'double life' that while I pretend to be calm and under control on the exterior, my self-doubt, hallucination of a better life indulging deeper inward. No channel of unleash my inner burdens, except spending hours reading random books, in front of TV, and later on, in front of a computer, taking in all sorts of information because I feel 'empowered' by acquiring information and feeling superior when present it to others when they don't know. Also, being along and absorbing information is kind of like having a relationship, because I wouldn't feel so alone. I constantly imagine that I am also being interviewed in a program or as part of a cast of a fabulous movie I just watched. So the hallucination side also kicks in and occupies the emptiness left from real-life social experience.
Interestingly, many of those featured in the program have managed to have a high-flying career in their earlier life, despite being shadowed over by manic depression. They establish social status and financial means to 'afford' all the costs when entering depression. Like Robbie Williams and other celebrities dosing recreational drugs, Stephen Fry indulging in shopping spree, and someone (can't remember his name) going through more than 30 different treatment to deal with his disorder. So why can't I, and I don't even suffer from severe chronic symptoms as they do, for crying out loud! Of course, as I should aware of it, this only comes at an incredibly high price, attached by outrageous self-drive and hard-work, and astonishing self-control when things start to fall apart. Also, as the program shows, many of them do not wish to give up the manic elements in exchange of a normal life, because a lot of their success is actually built on the overwhelming mood-swing they love-hate so much.
So Maybe instead of admitting my depressive problems I should just find a way to commercialize my energetic highs and build a financial foundation first? That way, even if the emotional element does not go well, at least I and my family can have something to rely on. Just hopefully I can find some solitude from hard-work. It's more practical than empty worrying like a mindless zombie. So get myself together and kick some ass!!!
[For those who also think you suffer from bipolar disorder or general mental instability, I high recommend this documentary - only 2 hours in total, but you will find some great deal of clarity and explanation. Hope it helps to shape a better future!]
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P3EacQ4GfiU&feature=fvwrel
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v0NjS-_iPCI&feature=watch_response
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