Daddy & Livvie

I need to feel like this every day. I just have to figure out a morning regimen that gives me enough me time. But that requires getting up early, and in order to get enough sleep... going to sleep by 9-930 during the week.

I am spiraling into a pretty dark place and I desperately need to word vomit... not that it would help much in all of our chaos. I just don’t have the time.

The house needs cleaning, I need to sort out wedding stuff and organize my thoughts on it all, I need my business to pick up, I hate my job and it gets worse every day, my friends all live forever away ...and all I want to do is sleep and not wake up. This is a problem and I know that. I know this is all fairly irrational but my brain is as asshole and I will work it out.

First step is taking my meds regularly. I know that drop in vitamins is causing a bit of my problem, but I have never been this bad before. I have never just spent weeks crying at the drop of a hat. I have always been the super perky positive one and I don’t recognize myself at all.

But it turned out that I am annoying and aggravating and dont communicate the right way.

Negative feelings are finding an easier time creeping in on me lately.

We are exhausted. Our home is unlivable.

We haven’t nailed down temporary housing while our landlord fixes the house and makes it safe to live in.

All of the east side of NW Florida is covered in blue tarp.

FEMA finally gave a us a little help, but we can’t use it if there aren’t any undamaged rentals. My boss made an offer but he is scatterbrained and I get forgotten a lot. Tracking him down has been a nightmare.

A band breakup is not what was expected last might during practice, but his hand was forced and he had enough of the bullshit. Sometimes you just need to stick up for yourself and say ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. I am proud of him for doing that.

On the plus side, we get our garage back, hopefully a lower power bill, and more time for other things with people who won’t be assholes.

I love you, Daddybear.

I assume that every location has their own little groups where you can meet and greet and explore ALL OF THE BDSM THINGS... That being said, our area has two active groups. Through The Looking Glass (we haven’t been) and The Estuary. We discovered them on Fetlife and check out the actual location about a month ago. The people were so welcoming and they don’t seem to fuck around. There are rules. There are safeguards.

Last night was the second time there and even though we had a rocky start to the evening because of some stupid shit I did... it was a head first dive into open play. Open play at The Estuary means you can create a scene using any of the equipment and tools available to explore your kinks. They have a Saint Andrew’s cross, a queening chair (I think?), this massive metal wheel you can be tied to, a spanking bench, and hooks and things to be suspended from.

Side note: There are some talented shibari rope play folks in this group.

I prepped the hell out of myself for it because Daddy told me he was putting me on display. Shaved all of the things, spent a little more time on hair and makeup because it calms me and its almost ritualistic for me. I have to sit there and think about WHY I am doing it and all the eyes that will be on me. My anxiety was twitching. Daddy requested that my nipples be seen but since I need support and don’t want to feel completely naked, I got to wear this pretty quarter shelf bra that I got from Lane Bryant yeeeaaaars ago and never had a reason to wear it. Support AND the nipples are free for sensation play. Winning. I wore crotchless panties because Daddy also wanted me to wear the tail he bought me... for more sensation play.. we will get to that. Threw on some thigh highs, a cute skater dress, and some five-inch stilettos... BAM.. Livvie was PREPARED.

I have a playlist in my Apple Music titled “TIE LIVVIE TO THE BED” which was used for our scene. I need to add more stuff to it, but what was played was perfect for our first scene.

Note: Crazy Train is not actually on the list. It was just a song I introduced to the nugget earlier today.

We opened the scene with Until We Go Down.

Daddy had me stand in front of the Saint Andrews Cross as he knelt down and slowly removed my shoes and as he came up lifted and removed my dress. I don’t think I looked away from him from that moment on. You see... The Estuary has this dungeon room of sorts (where our scene was) and sort of above it is a viewing area where other members can quietly and respectfully watch whatever is going down in the dungeon. So basically I am being cuffed and chained facing forward in little to nothing. Just focus on Daddy. Don’t look at the peoples. I watched Daddy like a hawk until I couldn’t. Cuffed to a cross, he teasingly put hair clips on my nipples, stuck a ballgag in my mouth and then ....blindfolded me. Oh. My. Fuck. That is the most terrifying and freeing feeling in the whole goddamn world. Vulnerable is not a strong enough word.

Daddy is crafty with sensation play. One of the tools he used on me last night was a basic dental cleaning tool that your dentist uses on you.

The feeling you have when it is drug across the skin is similar to having a knife tip graze your skin.... just smaller. It leaves these fun little lines all over the skin. I hope for knife play next time though.

Please, Daddy?

Betcha he says, “Yes, Babygirl.” Betcha!

He ran that thing all over ever inch of visible skin on my body... my favorite areas for this tool are my sides. It hurts and tickles at the same time. I love that fucking sensation so much.

He used Blue, his 42-falls blue suede flogger in various levels impact on my skin. I will introduce you to Blue in another tumblr post. I am being lazy and not wanting to get off the couch until this is complete to go take a picture of Blue. I love Blue. It is my favorite toy ever. Daddy knows how to make it feel good... like a friggin massage... and also hurt like the hand of God lighting your ass up. But it never leaves a mark. We love that. Aside from the tiny scratches from the dental tool that will be gone by tomorrow, we are not fond of bruising and damage to the skin. Daddy takes great care in preventing that. He is the bestest. Besides... as a burlesque dancer, I do not need to be shaking my ass on stage looking like I got in a fight.

He used Mr. Pinky (vibe) on my clamped nipples before removing them, unhooking me from the cross and turning me around to cuff me back to it. Here is where shit gets real.

We have made friends with a lovely couple at The Estuary that go by Dragon and his little Cherry (she is this adorable pixie-like creature). Dragon let Daddy borrow a reed type impact toy to try on me. I protested a couple times before I was on the cross, but honestly... I knew I deserved what was coming to me after the aforementioned bullshit earlier in the evening. I wish I had snapped a picture of the thing to post here because me trying to describe it verbally is pointless.

All I can really say at this point is that it got my fucking attention. Little taps with it are actually quite nice... but when Daddy puts a little power behind it (doesn’t take much) it stings like hellfire. I am undecided if *I* like it, but I know Daddy loved it. I think he likes the noises that escape my mouth when he gets me with it.

There was a point when I was facing the wall where Daddy removed the gag...

“Let me hear you...” he said in my ear.

I am thankful for that. The ballgag we have is a little ... big and it is hard to hear anything when I am wearing it. And left in too long and I feel like I have lockjaw or something. I hope we can find one similar, but smaller because I actually do love being gagged.

But back to the commands whispered in the ear... fuuuuuuck that gets me all kinds of wet. Maybe its not even the commands really... just the dominant voice Daddy has that I have apparently been obsessed with and turned on by since we were kids. Daddy voice is a real thing and it is heaven.

The scene ended before I realized it and I wanted more... but I was already in subspace to the point of almost incoherent communication.

I don’t know who brought me the super soft blanket to wrap up in but it felt like microfiber heaven on my stinging back and ass. Cuddles in the Aftercare Room were nice and next time I am bringing my favorite koala in case Daddy needs to leave the room.

Quiet cuddles in a dark room after that scene were necessary. That was one of the most intense experiences of my life. Daddy called me his little exhibitionist. I think it is too soon to call me that. Haha. I mean... I don’t hate it, but I am still not quite sure I could do it without the blindfold to make me forget where I am.

We shall see.

I have no doubt there will be more scenes in the future. I am excited to see where things go.

We went to breakfast with Abracadabra and his sub, Blue. That was honestly the best way to end the night... breakfast at 5 a.m. with new kink friends. They are such nice folks. After my second time being around everyone, I am not even sure why I was scared to begin with.