boys don't cry

“Hello, Wisconsin!” Weak That 70′s Show reference shouted as Astrid entered a particularly bustling college house party she’d been invited to in passing on her first day of classes, she didn’t know what she’d been expecting in response to her entrance but when a girl physically shushed her, finger on mouth and all, Astrid gasped. “You know what happens when you try to silence an American?” she asked. “They wee in a plant in your house in secret. Which one will it be, you ask? Well, that’s the fun part. You’ll never know.” Astrid’s animated gestures caught someone’s chest and she gasped for the second time, shaking her head. “Sorry,” she apologized. “Inappropriate touching. Total accident but if u want to hit my knuckles with an AirHead and pretend it’s a ruler, I’ll take the punishment.”

Doing a poor job of acting like he was remotely interested in whatever the girl in front of him was talking about, Jude pressed his lips together in a fruitless attempt to force a smile. Frankly, the combination of his recent smoke and three gulps of absinthe was making him question whether that was actually a freckle on her forehead, or a button he could press to unlock a portal to another realm. “...Yeah,” he agreed, unaware that he was supposed to be acknowledging a compliment she’d paid to her own teeth,“very, uh... horse-like.” A beat of passing silence meant that he felt the need to elaborate further. “I... love it,” he enunciated with little conviction, eyes a red-rimmed squint, before he accidentally mumbled an afterthought out loud. “...Icona Pop.” More than thankful for the interruption that Astrid’s entrance provided, Jude patted at the bewildered girl’s shoulder before slowly side-stepping and making his way through the crowd. He’d only been a step away when her hand flung out to whack him on the chest, eyebrows promoted further up his forehead in response. “Nah, it’s alright. I don’t have insurance, I love a free Heimlich.” Lifting his cup, he pointed out a rampantly leaved fern on the window sill. “If we’re deliberating piss plants, I’d vote, uh... Sideshow Bob, over there. Lush foliage. Bustling location. Prime real estate, really.”

If Saige were to be honest – it weren’t the flowers that interested her; it were the people, her eyes instantly drawn to the unique silhouettes of tourists and natives alike, bodies torched in light as the golden hour struck. It would’ve been…odd, for her to snap photos of strangers from a distance; it felt considerably less odd to merely watch them through her lens, with the rare photo of a flower or five – the bare minimum for her photography assignment. “Flowers are nice,” Saige repeated, corners of her mouth twitching upwards into an amused grin as she glanced back at him, finger hovering over the shutter button, “I only really like, like, forget-me-nots and baby’s breath and like…some poppies, but not all poppies. Yellow poppies specifically, but not red. Nothing wrong with red, I just – dunno, like, like yellow? And those flowers that look like lil’ people with their dicks out, those are pretty fucking sick, not gonna lie. And hydrangeas.” pausing for a moment, as if more chunks of her mind were loading – it took her a moment to skip forwards, settling down besides the brunette, plucking the cigarette from his fingers with a skilled gentleness. “D’you think you’d get in trouble if you just…crawled through the tulips? I like to imagine that I was like, Cadet Kelly or something in a past life. Not ‘cos I think I ever went to like, military camp or nothing, but ‘cos like…I dunno, I’ve got a military dad so it makes sense, right? Home’s like being in boot camp anyway, I used to have to do push ups whenever I got in trouble.”  Saige placed the cigarette between her lips, reaching across Jude’s lap to grab the lighter, fingers fumbling for a moment.

Blinking dazedly back at her as she rattled off various flowers, Jude squinted slightly as his mind raced to try and place them, subconscious the clumsy equivalent of a toddler with their laces tied together. “Baby’s breath is a wild name for a flower. Fuckin’... Who looked at some petals and thought: right, got it, let’s name this after the scent of heavily pureed carrot!” Eyes flitting towards her as she took a seat, it was through a mumble around the body of his cigarette that he continued. “Think I might egg them, if I find them.” Letting out the kind of sigh that implied a grievous loss in the family, Jude stretched his legs out slightly, effectively wilting against the bench in a bid to get comfortable. He felt like his bones were calcifying the longer he sat still, a night of heavy drinking doing little for the muscles. “What’s the dick’s out flower called? I won’t lie to you, Saige, it sounds like it’d be my favourite. Really, uh... drew me in with that one.” Letting out a low grumble once she snatched his cigarette but nothing more, Jude watched with mildly piqued interest as she arranged it between her lips, almost forgetting entirely that they were having a conversation. In fact, instead of replying right away, the tiniest hint of a smile crept in, instead. By the speed that she spoke alone, she could probably generate enough power to run a small windmill in Sweden. “Can see that. Those Hulk Hogan arms? Impossible to ignore. Little intimidating.” About to open his mouth and interject further, it was with lips hanging slightly agape in waiting that his eyes dropped to follow the rustle of her fingers. “Christ. Really just... rummaging around, down there. A grandma searching for the right letter in a game of Scrabble,” came as he reached down, too, plucking up the lighter before she could finally get a hold on it. Thumb rolling once, he cupped his free hand to protect the flame as he provided her a light, leaning slightly closer to get a sufficient angle. “I’ve got a question,” he admitted, lighter furled inside a loose fist and forgotten in his lap, again. “You ever have photos taken of you, instead of the other way around?”

CALEB placed a hand on his chest, finally setting his sandwich down and reaching over the table to grab onto jude’s arm as well. “you would do that, for me? and here i was thinking teddy was more your gay type. he looks a bit more like hugh grant.” he released jude’s arm and began laughing, pretending to wipe a tear from under his eye. he tried to calm himself down but the divine pose jude struck had him rolling again, clutching his side for reprieve. “cuff him boys, guilty as charged.” caleb gratefully pulled a cigarette out of jude’s pack, fished around in his own pocket for the lighter he was sure was there. somewhere. “can’t relate,” he hummed, still getting some small pleasure out of being annoyingly in love. “feels weird to sleep alone now.” he placed his head in his hands, elbows propped up on the table. the change in subject had him blushing, still not used to accepting people cared about him, even if it was those he considered to be his best mates. “it’s– yeah. it’s fucked.” it was hard to caleb to find peace in the fact that gunner was back when he remembered the pain of knowing he was gone in the first place. “i’m trying to just be happy he’s back, but.. it’s just hard to forget about what happened. and it’s really shit for elias, you know, going through that again?” it became easier to talk about the longer he kept going, finally looking back to jude. “makes me wonder about what’s next, too. and has everyone pointing fingers. rightfully, i guess, but hate when eli’s stuck in the middle of it. seems to be a reoccurring theme. we all just need a break.”

Smile animating the corners of his lips in the kind of stiff, manufactured way that suited a mannequin’s head more than a human being, Jude watched silently as the breeze riled a leaf to life. It was strange, sometimes -- remembering he’d been in love, once, too. Her absence in his life was like a missing tooth, and he could never seem to stop from running his tongue over the gummy vacancy, searching for the ghost of something solid. It was stupid, really, to care that much about somebody that never seemed to care in the slightest back. That was what he tried to tell himself, anyway. Better just not to. Better not to try, and then you won’t be so disappointed. “Not so bad. You can spread eagle, sleep with your arms out, like a, uh... crucified Jesus,” he landed on, cigarette gently bobbing with the pronunciation of each fresh syllable. “If that isn’t the American dream, I dunno what is.” Cherry glowing amber, Jude squint slightly as if a ray of sunlight was invading his vision, despite the sky being overcast. He was already mildly regretting bringing it up, but he ignored the twang of unease in his gut at the serious tone regardless, intent on providing whatever form of support he could offer. Reaching up to take his cigarette from his mouth, it was with it cindering peacefully between two fingers that he cleared his throat. “I feel like... Dunno. Saying “it makes you appreciate what you have, though,” is just... bullshit, really. If someone said that to me, in a situation like this, I’d probably fucking... kick them in the knee, or something. So I won’t... do that.” Apple of his throat bobbing with a quick swallow, Jude continued. “Don’t think you have to forget, really. Think it’s, uh... I think it’s one of those things you have to let yourself feel. Then... You know, over time, you’ll start to feel it a little less. And one day it’ll be something shit that happened, but it’ll be so long ago, it’ll feel like it happened to somebody else.” Falling silent before letting out a prompt sigh, frustration bubbled up beneath the surface like a pot simmering to the boil, intent on spilling over the brim unless he reduced the heat. He hated this -- the way his tongue fell slack in his mouth when he was searching for something eloquent, unable to express the extent of his concern without sounding like a caveman. Or worse, sounding like he wasn’t just the careless floater he made himself out as. Clearing his throat again, it was with a prompting nod that he started to stand. “Right, we’re going. Haven’t, uh... decided a destination, but... Yeah. We’re going somewhere.”

“I think he’s pampered just enough. If anything, he deserves more,” Blake protested, making his way across the room to pluck Pinky up into one arm and to move about the kitchen to busy himself with making coffee. “Can you shit on command? I don’t know if that’s something anyone of any species can do,” he said, dumping a generous amount of coffee into the machine and placing the carton back down. Heavy sigh escaping him, he glanced over his shoulder. “Why do you ask? Is this going to turn into a lecture?” he asked. “I’ll give you a play by play. First, I spread my ass cheeks,” he continued, allowing a moment of silence before speaking again. “For Shrek.”

“Yeah,” came chased out by a breath of smoke, eyes reduced to a slight squint against the self induced fog. “If I’ve been keeping up on my fibre, that is. This is why cereal’s a crucial meal of the day.” Unaware of the fact he’d accidentally mixed up ‘cereal’ and ‘breakfast’, Jude tapped his cigarette once against the edge of his ash tray, barely paying attention to the clump it dislodged. He could tell that he was far too cold sat on the window sill by the open window, but he silently ignored the goosebumps ascending his forearms and took another drag. “No? Not your fuckin’... grandpa.” Aiming a squint over at Blake, he’d been set on maintaining an apathetic expression -- psyching him out a little -- until his last comment forced the corners of his lips to twitch. Steamrolling his amusement, Jude had a last inhale before beginning to stub his cigarette, still poking the cherry amidst ashen remains throughout the duration of his next sentence. “Have to ask, that’s all. So I don’t fuckin’... I mean, it’s a bit hard to keep track, sometimes. Don’t wanna mention his name out of the blue and have you piss down your pant leg. You know, if stuff’s... bad." 

        cross-legged atop the counter, splintered linoleum cool against her ankles, it felt every bit an afternoon home from school to gossip in warm sun. though the silk slip was a far-cry to starched uniforms, cabernet sauvignon having usurped a capri-sun and the outside light a cheap fluorescence, the feeling remained. eventually her cheek had landed to meet a raised knee, face askew in a grin. jude talked for her ; always did, it seemed, animated against the lull of a smile stretched across her face, muted laughter. ‘ huh? ’ glassy-eyed, ivy’s stare moved from jude to kevin, his face reddened now and words stuck in the throat like a fly to honey, back to jude. ‘ i could work. maybe. ’

except a girlfriend wasn’t riddled with secrets as a termite chews inside wood. except a girlfriend, the last of the wine drained, didn’t glance over kevin’s shoulder to watch a boy with dark hair smiling through alcohol dribbling down his chin. she’d pretended to bite back soft laughs at the sudden grab of his attention by jude, thought it’d become more at the toothy grin of a stranger at the party. ‘ can i opt-out? right about … now. ’ eventually she straightened, a hand searching behind her for a wine bottle set aside earlier. ‘ it’s nothing invasive, ’ she murmured into the glass filling once more, gaze moving firmly to jude once more. ‘ how about you? a big tiddy goth girlfriend not your type? tell us your dream girl. or boy. either’ll do. ’

THE sandwich caleb had been eating in peace nearly fell from his hands when jude disrupted his quiet lunch, placing the paper ball in front of him on the table. “what am i looking at here? is this your entry for the spitball competition?” caleb mused, watching in awe as the paper began to open before him, like a flower in bloom. coincidentally, the contents of the presented flyer were also something like a flower in bloom. he was struggling not to laugh, trying to remain as serious and stoic as he had been before jude arrived, pretentiously pensive. “you look good there, bro,” caleb teased, eyes glued to the photo. the caption was almost daunting, accusatory, ridiculously incriminating. “i’m a little offended you didn’t leave me any flowers. was i not on your mind during this said blackout? this says a lot about our relationship. don’t know if i can forgive you. honestly? might have to turn you in to the proper authorities.” caleb tapped the picture in front of him, grabbing it to hold it up for comparison. “did anything come from this grand romantic gesture? i’m getting worried that your only sleeping partner is that dog you live with.”

Reaching up to rub with aimless abandon at his lower lash line, it was with the skin left increasingly inflamed that his fingers finally withdrew, bewildered blink confirming his hungover status. “Don’t need to be fucked, to do that. I’ll buy you a, uh... What’s a good flower? A fuckin’... Yeah, a sunflower. I’ll get you a sunflower and slap you around a few times, with it. That’s friendship. Good way to wake up, in the morning.” Wetting lips that had been left subtly chapped by a few nights of self neglect in a row, Jude squinted pensively into the distance like he was estimating the price of a whole roast chicken, providing a stoic comparison for the image on the flyer. Then, letting it slip at the pose of Caleb’s next question, Jude rolled his eyes along with a short breath of amusement. “Nah, I don’t think... Dunno. I don’t think that was my goal, anyway. Probably just felt like making their rooms look nicer.” Offering a shrug in means of explanation, he dipped his chin as he went about locating his pack of cigarettes, intent on charring his lungs some more to contradict how clean the air felt, compared to New York. “Anyway, I’m fine, for that. Think I prefer sleeping alone, though. Sounds savage but it’s a relief when they leave the next morning, sometimes.” Flipping the lid on his pack of king sized, Jude jut it towards Caleb in offering. “I, uh... Heard about the whole thing, with Gunner. Dunno,” came with an aversion of the eyes, sensitive subjects never his strong suit in spite of the fact that he tried his best. “Sounds pretty shit. Sorry that... You know.”

“So I have a question for you,” Miriam starts, leaning in closely to Jude while still eyeing a couple that had absolutely no fear of PDA at the corner of the party they were currently partaking in, “how far do you think her jaw can unhinge? I think I’ve seen her experience lockjaw at least three times now and still her mouth opens more and more. I feel like I’m witnessing a dementor try to steal his soul or something,” Finally turning back to Jude, Miriam points a finger at him with the hand clutching her glass of cheap wine, “Let’s see how far you can open your mouth. I feel like it’ll be disappointing, but I kinda wanna see you try anyway.”

Lip of his beer bottle set to lean gently against his mouth, Jude studied the couple with a squint as their limbs entangled, a blur of hastily moving hands. “All the way down to her ankles, I’ll bet. She’s planning on going full boa constrictor. I’ve, uh... I’ve seen a lot of these cases, in my time on the job.” If he was wearing spectacles, this is the point at which he’d solemnly readjust them atop the bridge of his nose. Something about leaving out the gesture felt amiss, so he reached up regardless of their existence, mocking a lowering. Conducting a half bleary itch at his tear duct once the focus in conversation switched, Jude’s eyes flit to find Miriam, an oasis away from the desert wasteland of their entanglement. “Nah, can’t. Bart Simpson syndrome. If I open my mouth past the size of a small clementine, I’m fucked. Jaw swings open like the elastic’s broken. Lose my chin, completely.” Lips pressed into a stern line, Jude’s brow furrowed, slightly. “Then I’d never win pageant queen. Can’t risk it. Plus,” came with a light clear of his throat, uncharacteristically animated as a result of the two keys he’d slipped into his beer bottle, “you’d see my, uh... soul, at the back of my throat. Can’t let you know what colour it is, if I don’t know yours. I’ll feel conned.”

Blake ran his hand over his face, fully unaware of the time and not quite conscious yet. Sinking into the sofa next to Pinky, Blake’s brows furrowed, shaking his head. “What the fuck are you even doing? Pinky’s never learned a trick a day in his life,” he said, sighing heavily when the small dog jumped up on his chest in request for a treat. “He just bullies me and that’s basically all he knows how to do. What are you trying to teach him?” he asked, picking the small dog up and setting him on the floor. “Pretty sure you’re going to need to do better than a stern talking to.”

Brain still foggy from the residual effects of a night spent smoking, Jude was wading through the odd, in-between time of morning where he hadn’t got high for the day again yet. It was strange, being able to somewhat tune in to his own thoughts. A better word might even have been unsettling. “Not even fuckin’... sit? He’s too pampered. He needs to go to public school so he can mingle with the other kids.” Moving back to the window ledge he’d been perched on, Jude made two second eye contact with Pinky before reaching out and opening the window further. Plucking up his cigarette, it was with his body angled to ensure maximum smoke ventilation that he took another drag. “Wanted to see if I could train him to shit on command. Leave a treat outside your door, one morning.” Cherry glowing amber, it was with a calibrating squint that he decided his nausea levels, having jumped right into a cigarette rather than anything remotely nutritional. “How was Teddy’s?”

u nd the rest of the hwgb chat have always held a special place in me hort from our problematic days to conspiracies to now we’ve all grown and changed so much over the course of like a million years now and we still click like we did back in the day. ur one of the kindest, funniest, most empathetic and talented people i kno and its honestly been a wild ride but a great one (2/3)