Little Owl, Big Territory

I worked a ten day week.

I’ve earned a short day.

Wake-up 10:44am. Bed: 9pm maybe?

Fat flakes of snow change into raindrops with every gust

Det finnes ikke dårlig vær but i still don’t want to go out there even there’s a sauna the end of the trail

I’m wrestling with a language I want to be mine, to stay easier in a country I want to mine, et sted æ hører hjemme, må høre hjemme

I’m wrestling with a loss of trust, loss of sanity, i så mange som jeg pleide å stole på

I thought there must be others like me. In the summer I joined a hiking club (clubs are the only way to make friends here). I asked as the season ended if anyone wanted to start a ski group. We all thought it was great because we’re all slow and shitty skiers and skiing in slow and shitty company is much more appealing than holding up your Olympic level friends.

So I made the page, set the times, bought the logo. Max attendance 5. more often 1 or just me. The punchline tho is that I don’t care. I made this thing to get myself out every skiable Sunday. I show up. I made a habit. I made a few friends. And yeah I’ve ordered stickers and a logo. I made ski club for people who suck at skiing. I have missed maybe two weekends this season. I don’t suck nearly as much anymore. Mission accomplished.

Like yes it helps my galloping brain stop doing that so I sleep, but the day after I wake easily, get shit done because I can and it’s not like pulling teeth.

The temperature rose with the wind

Gusts howling down the chimney

After days of biting cold

Finally used to it

-5c feels like springtime

I’m up too late and the meditation app shouldn’t have a streak freeze function, or a streak to freeze

There is, was, and ever shall be only now.

Let me open my hands, hold my peace and leave it the freedom to leave, transform, return new and better and different and have never left because when I notice it, it’s still now

The wind sounds like a promise

The sun is coming back

I wore the leggings yesterday.

I wear the trackies over until I need to demonstrate something because it’s so cold in Northern Norway right now that our wonderfully heated space is chilly inside.

I got in early to do some training.

45 minutes in, I notice the back of my right leg feels weird.

Was that weird feeling yesterday’s underwear?

I will not apologize for my joy.

Fun resolution:

I will try more flavors of ramen.

Classic resolution:

Deep cleaned the bathroom. Even the shelves.

Changing and washing my sheets tomorrow, so I wake up in a clean bed to start the year. Making sure all my bins are empty.

Putting things away neat.

Bought shave cream for my favorite thing. I’m not a big shaving person but in my first shower of every year, I shave my legs and armpits.

Not me ugly crying all the way through the Majorie episode of End of an Era.

It cracked open something that I don’t think I’ve let be all way real before.

A few days ago, a man explained to me how to stabilize my wobbly foot. I did not ask. He’s not my physio.

Do you think that I, a fellow circus artist and lifelong athlete, have not had every rehab tip under the sun? That I, who am attached to this foot, am not expert in what it’s doing?

Im not mad, im kind of amazed. The cajones on this one. I’m gonna ask him how to put in a tampon since I clearly cannot function.

I defaulted to «yeah I’ll try that» but next time I’m going to tell him his shiny new degrees can fuck all the way unless I’m paying to hear them or they’re vital to our mutual survival.

Wake up at 6:30 and decide to actually stay up. Research how to take the tests I need for permanent residency in Norway.

10:00am: run with the run club, run halfway home from run club bc I was running with the slow crew and still needed (wanted) to bag 16km.

Lunch: protein shake

1:11 (not even joking): go to the mall. Acquire two more Norwegian textbooks, a new tank for the fizzy water machine, and a bottle of port (bc Xmas)

2:30pm: arrive home, watch my friend’s latest YouTube, second lunch (piece o chicken a whole bag of salad)

1 hr duo lingo

2 episode of End of an Era

Read some new textbook

Dinner (fancy ramen)

Read more textbook

Alternate clone wars episodes with textbook breaks

Try two different practice tests, passing grade by guessing

8:30 meds

9pm: shower