Ree-ness

Or maybe giving up again?

Can't decide actually

I always thought that love is something that either happens or it doesn't , like I believed I can't force people to love me either they'll love me the way I am or they won't but I couldn't develop love when there is no love. And that's why I never persuaded someone or never ever gave any clarifications of my mistakes I would just say what I did and it's up to them whether they want to believe me or not. I never tried to impress anyone. I've always wore the clothes I wanted to, talked whatever seemed good to me , did whatever my mind said right never thought of anyone's approval or something. And I thought I'm living a free life.

But it was all delusion. I've just realised that I always chose my things by myself because I had only one choice, there were no other options and I thought I'm free because I'm choosing what to do out of one option.

I believed one can't generate love and I was the one who has been trying so hard to do so. I always kept my desires hidden, did what was suitable for them , obeyed blindly what the said just so that I can get some affection from them. And now I've made a mess of myself.

You see there are siblings growing up together taking care of each other love each other so much that they can't live apart from each other one day even for one day and all of a sudden they become adults now they have to leave their home for studies and there's no way back because after graduation they all have to do jobs and earn and then get married and have their own families.

The siblings who couldn't live without ech other now they can't even see each other. Even when they meet they feel like strangers.

I thought love is associated with feeling, how your heart feels when you see that one person how your mood changes when you think about him. For me if I feel like I can be myself I can say whatever comes to my mind I can do what I want no matter how silly the thought is I don't have to impress them and still I'll be thousand percent sure that they'll like me the same way forever. For me love is when I know by heart that this perticular person is gonna choose me only whatever the situation is and even the thought of him not choosing me never comes to my mind because it's always obvious and there is no doubt in it.

For me love should be permanent, it shouldn't depend on the temporary things. For me love is between me and you not between our beauty , our job profiles, our bank accounts, our family members and anything else it's just your and my existence in the world if I exist I'll love you and if you exist I'll love you that's so simple.

After 14 days from now , you'd find me different.

I feel hot if the heater is on and cold if the AC is on. And suicidal if both are off.

I don't know whether it's wrong or right but If I had to choose my life partner, I would choose a person who would take care of me the way I always wanted people to treat me. I for sure want a person who takes care of me like a little kid when I'm sick. Don't you dare to say " it's just a mild fever" I'll punch you damn hard, straight onto the face. You should perform like it's a big deal even if I get my nail hit on the table corner ( I do, 4-5 times a day ). I want that care, I live for those moments. But nobody does this nowadays. Even my parents don't treat me as a kid how can I expect it from someone else. But I would not tolerate you if you can't even do this for me. I'm not gonna fall sick everyday yeah, so if you can't show me some empathy then there is no point of tolerating a new person if he's gonna behave the same as the old ones ( my family members of ).

He should pamper me if I'm behaving like a child instead of saying be mature. He should also join me in my stupidity. I don't need life advisor or personality grooming kit I want an emotional human being who buys things for me at one hint. Who don't say "ohh sweetheart that's not needed you are not a kid" I know I would not die without it but you just fuckinn bring it.

I think the reason why I am not getting out of it is that it's so so hard to get out of it and remain out of it but it's equally easy to get into it again.

I try so hard , do all the things it takes to get the personality I dream about and as soon as I get it I realise it's amazing, I've achieved it and I become happy and as soon as I become happy and get this feeling that yes I achieved it my mind says ohhhk babe , since you've get what you wanted let's just take some rest. Annnnnnd tadaaaaaa a few hours of my mind taking rest takes me in that loop again.

This is gye the fuckinn process I'm repeating again and again and again and again.