Let’s Talk About Safe Words
Safe word: a word serving as a prearranged and unambiguous signal to end an activity, such as between a dominant and submissive sexual couple. (This is ideally a word you are unlikely to use otherwise, but likely to remember, such as ‘turnip’.)
Are safe words just for sexual scenes?
No. Safe words can be used in other times too. They can be used anytime a person feels that they need to suspend what is happening (generally to be calmed and offered time to regroup).
Does everyone need a safe word?
I’ll likely lose a few followers by saying it, but the short answer is no. ‘No’, ‘stop’, and ‘that’s enough,’ are perfectly adequate for couples who are not engaging in consensual non-consent play (CNC). But, while not strictly necessary, there are reasons to use one anyway which I’ll talk about below.
Should I consider a safe word even if I don’t do CNC?
Yes. Why? Because sometimes, especially as a submissive it’s difficult to say no. It can feel defiant and disrespectful. Safe words don’t have that connotation. Additionally, as mentioned above, they can be used outside of sexual scenes. Safe words, unlike the words no also signal that you require comfort and then discussion.
What about when you’re unable to talk?
This is a great time to use a safe signal instead. You can snap fingers, wave, drop a bell on the floor, shake something that rattles, etc. Non verbal signs are very helpful in scenes where the submissive is gagged or loud play is involved.
Are safe words only for submissives?
Safe words are generally only used by submissives, because a Dominant is in charge at all times anyway. However that doesn’t mean they can’t be used by Dominants. In fact while the actual word may not be necessary it’s the responsibility of the Dom to end the scene if they feel the sub is no longer capable of using their safe word for some reason. For example, a sub who is so deep in subspace that they cannot quickly respond with their own name when prompted.
I’ve seem ‘yellow’ and ‘red’ used a lot, what do they mean?
These color safe words are the most common safe words to use, and they are generally understood to mean similar things by the BDSM community. Yellow is a sort of pre-safe-word used to indicate that a sub is approaching their limit. Red is a full safe word indicating the need for a hard stop.
Is it okay to use a safe word during punishment?
Yes. Safe words can be used any time, and are especially important during punishment.
What do I do when my partner uses their safe word?
Stop everything immediately. Remove any restraints, clamps, or pain implements. Proceed with aftercare. Unless your partner shows a need to discuss something immediately put off discussion of what happened until after aftercare has taken place. Be sure to tell your partner how proud you are that they used their safe word.
What if someone ignores a safe word?
Run! Run far, and run fast. If appropriate report them to the authorities. Get some place safe, and don’t second guess yourself. People who ignore safe words are DANGEROUS!
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