april anderson.

published by belle   //   25   //   est.

her chest feels close to bursting with emotion at his simple statements, the honor of the trust he's placed in her something she will never stop appreciating. leaning into his affection, that warmth spreading from her chest to warm in her face again, she allows her head to come to rest on his shoulder. " and i trust you'll do the same for me, " she murmurs pointedly, lips twisting in a chagrined smile, " we're both going to make mistakes. and we'll make mistakes together, too. it's part of parenting, i think. there's not exactly a manual for this; no one does it perfectly. the love is what's important, and no one could question that from you. " she huffs a laugh, wiggling her finger that remains in the grasp of a small fist, cooing softly at their son, " you definitely spoil him enough already as it is! his first words will probably be asking for you, at this rate. " between her tone and wide smile, she's able to coax a riotous bout of giggles from him, entirely pleased with herself. she's intentional to turn her smile to look up at luca again, lightly teasing now with a spark of simple delight in her eyes, " i forgive you for that in advance, though. it's okay, i've accepted it. as long as his second words are asking for me, i'll be alright. " she doesn't miss the way his gaze unfocuses for a moment, but she's quick to press a soft kiss to his cheek. " it takes two people to make a kid as perfect as ours. you contributed just as much as i did. " drawing back with another teasing smile, she shrugs, " although, i would say i did much more of the heavy lifting with it all. " she's laughing at her own assertion then, content to just lean against her love once more, gaze drawn back to their son.

another shuddering breath and she releases him from her grip, shifting gingerly to move around so she can finally see his face. kneeling before him, the haunted look in his eyes nearly shatters her on the spot, but she regains her composure and merely cups his cheek with her hand, encouraging him to focus on her. she's sure she's quite the sight, loungewear and hair plastered to her skin as rivulets trace down her in earnest now as she blocks more of the spray from hitting him. " i love you. " she whispers, needing him to hear it again. " i will always love you. i am not afraid of what you are forced to do to maintain your standing so that you can spare thousands of others. i am not afraid of you. " her thumb smooths over his cheek again in emphasis, brown eyes searching his in the hopes that he would come back to her. stay with her. it's all she can ask for; it's an impossible request.

august, it's so quiet here without you. the silence stretches on and on, sometimes it feels as if i could drown in it. the record player is on its last life and if i don't get selected for this promotion, i doubt i can have it fixed. it's been harder since... well, some things are better told in person. i wish i knew where you're stationed. i wish i knew you were alive. i wish you were here. i'm supposed to be working on an article to secure this promotion, but the silence echoes in my mind every time i sit down to start it. it seems the only words i have right now are for you, the one person i can't share them with. i hope these are reaching you somehow, but then i wonder why you never respond. perhaps drowning isn't quite right, it's more like suffocating; the silence presses in from all sides and this is the only thing i can do to try and catch my breath, only to hold it in until my lungs could burst waiting for it to finally break, until i start the process all over again. so my every word is for you and i stare at blank pages at work all day whilst my competition produces page after page in the cubicle across the way. it's odd, how he so rarely speaks to anyone in the office, but his type can capture attention so thoroughly as to make the cover, above the fold. he's certainly not relegated to typing endless obituaries. but i doubt he has to rely on the ever fallible public transportation to make it in on time, waking before the sun rises just for the bus to be running twenty minutes behind. either that or he can somehow predict precisely how much extra time he requires every morning; it wouldn't surprise me. his timing has always been uncannily inconvenient for me. i finally have this one opportunity to prove myself, to show that i'm worth a serious consideration, and he breezes in with his jacket that looks like it could be a month's rent and his shoes that are never anything less than polished, and his words that are (infuriatingly) captivating, deserving of that spot above the fold. and now i have to compete with that? maybe i should make my peace with the reality that my future may just be one obituary after another. despite the futility of it all, i should go now to try and put some kind of sentence on paper to get that article started. i miss you. all my love, a.a.

there's no preventing the deepening blush in her cheeks at the compliment, a hand raising to tuck some stray hair back behind her ear. " i'm a journalist. i was working a story abroad, but ultimately it led me back home... " her dazed smile becomes somewhat abashed then, twisting the strap of her bag over her shoulder absently in her grip. " uh... no, that would be a first for me. and clearly a LAST with the spectacular mess i've managed to create! " she laughs at her own expense easily, tone still very much apologetic despite the other's assurances. " anyways, " despite the strangeness of it all, given that they led with kissing prior to introductions, she offers out her hand to the other in a more formal greeting, " i'm april, april anderson. i'll stick to some other excuse to get out of blind dates in the future, i promise. "

even after the breakup, the firehouse gala is an event that neither of them will miss, even if only for august's sake. she's already taken it upon herself to be the designated buffer between her best friend and any possible run ins or even mentions of said ex. there's been upbeat music playing while they were getting ready, a playlist she'd carefully curated in advance to avoid any references that might hit too close to home, and she's allowed annie to make her over for the occasion. there's nothing like a good project to take someone's mind off things they'd rather avoid. and honestly, as she's looking in the mirror, she can't help appreciating the efforts of her friend. it's all come together quite nicely, between the neutral tone silk dress and the gently tamed curls pinned back just so. " i should let you pick me out an entirely new wardrobe, " she jokes with a smile, brushing her hands over the length of the dress. nudging her with an elbow, she grins teasingly, " how much are you charging, again? "

she's known he'd go back to service eventually, known he was probably even dying to get back to it, but the reality of it being tomorrow is a vice around her heart. the edge of his jacket is caught in her grip, holding to it like he could disappear at any moment. and although she's sick with her own selfishness, she can't help the quiet, choked words that escape her. " someone else. just for a while, please, nick, let someone else do it. " blinking at the tears that sting her vision, she takes a step closer. " i've always known there was a risk, it was just never so real before... " she might be shaking, her voice certainly is as she continues, well past bargaining into a pleading that's by no means fair. " but i know what it feels like now to lose my brother to that risk, and i'm terrified nick, i'm terrified that you'll go to work and just won't come back. " brown eyes are wide with that visceral fear, searching his face in desperation. " can't someone else go for now? "

she's always loved museums, probably an unhealthy amount. it's about a minute into her ramblings about the newest exhibit that she cuts herself off to take a breath, cheeks growing hot. " --- and i'm... totally boring you to death. " she laughs good-naturedly at her own expense, shoving her hands in her pockets. " sorry, " she tacks on hastily, only glancing at him briefly before gazing back up at the banner advertising the exhibit. " i really appreciate you coming with me, by the way, " she murmurs, leaning towards him slightly to be heard over the chatter of the crowd.

brown eyes flit over his features, brows furrowed in concern. " are you sure you want to do this alone? " it's the one part of the plan she hasn't agreed with since the first suggestion. she might not have been a trained bodyguard at any point, but she'd gotten herself out of plenty of situations in her time. " i could be there to watch your back. " and though that's the only thing she offers outright, there's a gentleness to her tone that carries the rest of the offer; she can't imagine facing the reality he'd left behind will be easy, and whatever she can do to support him in that, she will. her head tilts minutely, summoning a soft smile for him. " it doesn't have to be today, either. we could call it a night and go grab a drink instead. let it be tomorrow's problem? " they've come halfway around the world already, what's one more day?