L. Oak-Garcia

I hate him. I hate him so much it hurts sometimes. I feel so weak for feeling like I could even like a person. I try to act like everything’s fine but it isn’t. My alcoholism has gotten worse, I find myself picking fights with everyone around me and every time I imagine his voice I get sick to my stomach.

I wish I was able to just be myself and know it’s fine to feel these things but he makes me feel weak. He makes me feel ashamed. I hate that people only love me in concept but as soon as my walls come down after months of begging they can’t handle it.

I am worthy of love. I’m told this every day and yet he is a constant reminder that I am bonded to someone who rather love the idea of me than accept me for my flaws. I hate him as much as he hates me. The real me at least.

I do apologize. I feel as if my enteries haven’t been on substance lately. My life is very boring most of time. I may retire from writing hear or just write in when I have something important to say.

I haven’t decided though.

I visited my fathers at his place today. He made me a vegan meal of course but thanks to me being very blunt with him about my distaste for most earthy greens he just prepared a really nice rice dish.

Grandpa Barry was there and we chatted a bit. I can tell Dad doesn’t like when we talk. And by “I can tell” I mean he’s told me to my face. For someone that hates my grandfather a lot he still lives with him.

That’s what I don’t understand about him. I know he hates his dad and yet he just stays with him. When I was younger I was chopping at the bit to leave that house and when mom died it just solidified everything.

I know my dad less and less every day.

Spent the day at the office and then had a really good time with Sparrow. God I love my brother.

Back to work and I feel great. I didn’t see the guy that broke my arm because they’ve all gone back to Florida to train. So my ego remains unharmed.

And a lot of people see a pretty buff guy with a shaved head and a black eye and get intimidated. All in all, fine day.

My apologies for Hero log yesterday. I felt it unnecessary to say anything more than that because she wanted to take over. I was just happy to see her smiling. She’s been really stressed out since schools started up again so I’d do anything for her to smile.

As for today I went and saw my doctor, I’m going to have my cast on for the next few months but I’m back to work starting tomorrow. Which I’m thankful for. I was beginning to go a little stir crazy.

HI GUYS!!! It’s Hero!!! Stole Uncle Larks phone for a second and I just wanted to say happy 4/13!! #iykyk :3 That’s it. Live life, breathe air. And happy homestuck day

-Hero Oak :DD

A pretty good day, just watching classic cartoons with Willow. Hero had come over for a bit and we chatted. Pretty good day.

I remember being a boy with my mom. She took me to a mom and son dance and she picked me to dance first. Sparrow didn’t even want to go but was dragged there but I had so much pride in being my Moms son. I love my mom.

I don’t know if I’m ever going to get married but I’m sad I’ll never be able to tell her if I do.

The painkillers are stopping my arm from hurting but it’s not getting rid of the headache i’ve had for the past two days straight.

Lovely.

My dad came and visited me today. It was.. nice. He seemed genuinely concerned for me. Maybe it was the broken arm or maybe it was the black eye and bruised exposed arms but he was a mess when he saw me. He tried to heal me but he knows I don’t like it. My bones never heal properly.

I think it was just concerned because this is the first time I was seriously hurt and mom wasn’t around. I miss her.

My right arm is broken. I’m alright, in a bit of pain but I’ve been given pain killers.

I had gone out of my way to train a new group of soldiers at D.A.D.D.I.E.S. and I suppose I underestimated one of the recruits. My arm was broken in three different places and dislocated. And the worst part about it is that I just feel kind of embarrassed.

Like he looked like a tough guy but I fought gods before. I’ve been through shit that no one has ever imagined doing. I’ve been to heaven and hell. I’ve travelled through portals and fought creatures you couldn’t even imagine.

And a 21 year old kid from Florida broke my arms.

Physically, I’m fine. Mentally, well my ego was definitely bruised.

Thank you for the question.

Spent the day resting at home. Willow is a failed service dog so she was helpful when it came to doing light work. My right arm is going to be out of commission for a while and that’s sadly my dominant arm.

I feel disappointed in myself that I even let something like this happen to me. I’m better than this.

A bit late tonight but I’ve just got home from the hospital. They think I broke my arm.

I just realized that it’s strange that I have people whom read my journal every day. I post something short about my growth as a human and now I have people telling me in my personal messages that they hope I get better.

I suppose it’s because empathy is something I’ve struggled with through my whole life, but I could never imagine being invested in someone else’s life. I guess, thanks? Is that appropriate to say? It fills me with a type of happiness that there are people out there that care even if I’ve never met them.

Even if it’s just liking my posts or sending me questions about my life, although really personal and sometimes including information that I haven’t even shared, it gives me comfort knowing I’m not alone in the world.

I remember when I was boy. I miss it. I miss my younger self. Not in a pitiful way. But I miss my brother and I miss just being innocent. Maybe I don’t spend enough time with him