So here's the thing with watching Wilford 'Motherloving' Warfstache so many times: man do I have character headcanons. So here are some of my not safe for work character thoughts/headcanons about Warfstache and Abe, and then them as a couple because my god are they gay
Dude is a virgin for sure, has never done anything with men, for sure. He may have dated women in the past, but he has never done anything past hand stuff with a woman. Never anything with a guy.
Or, alternatively, he was great in bed for women, as he would please them without letting them touch him.
Unfortunately, he is hot for clowns. He does not like that about himself. Part of the reason he couldn't hack it as a clown, part of the reason Warfstache (wig and all) is unfortunately attractive.
He is horniest when he is vaguely afraid of Wilford
He whimpers 'Colonel' like a prayer
He definitely has gotten off to pictures of the Colonel, and has repeatedly fantasized about what he would do if he caught him. It usually involves the Colonel tied up or handcuffed
He is very weird about physical touch, as it either makes him incredibly uncomfortable or very jittery, as if he's just had an enery drink.
He bottoms to Wilford 95% of the time, as he is too nervous to ask to top more often.
When he tops Wilford, he is very into punishment, elctricity, paddling, etc.
He is really insecure about his own body, so he is always hyper aware of the bodies of the people around him
He is very selfish in bed if he is sleeping with Wilford, though it is entirely unintentional
He isolates himself so much that he is often quaking after just a few minutes
He likes the way Wilford's mustache feels on his navel, on his stomach, on his thighs, but he'd never admit it.
He wants Wilford to crush him, like, by laying on top of him
Wingleheimer is his stripper name
He is a messy bisexual, but not in a toxic way.
He forces all of his partners to use safe words
If there is a kink for it, he has tried it, but his personal favorites are rigging, gun play, knife play, and marking.
A bruise or bitemark is just like a lipstick mark for him, the more he can see/leave, the better.
He prefers praise over degradation, as he tries to promote positive body image, especially for his partners. He dislikes name calling and likes pet names.
He does not often bottom, but when he does, he is bratty.
The reason he asks if he and Abe dated at one point is because he definitely remembers future encounters they have had.
He has had more threesomes and orgies than sexual encounters with single partners, and it is hard to enter a room without running into one of his exes.
He more commonly takes the leading position, the authority figure in bed, especially with Abe, but he is also a very chill person in bed.
He is into cigarette burns and heat, but he prefers pleasure over pain. Pain is so passee, pleasure is worth relishing. At the same time, he is fine with whipping, burning, strangulation. He is no stranger to rough sex.
He knows the art of shibari very well
If you don't cum twice at least, he is not done with you
He is crazy flexible and surprisingly strong.
He has a different sex playlist for every possible mood
He would totally be into taping sex, not posterity sake, but just so he could reflect better on good times.
What that tongue do? We know exactly what it do.
Wilford and Abe, Together
They definitely fuck more than four times in the investigation room, on the chair, against the desk, against the wall, but Wilford definitely takes Abe home after the dance party.
Abe passes out the first time they have sex, and Wilford coaxes him awake with praise. Abe needs that praise.
You know how Wilford kisses the gun? Yeah, that, except it's how he treats Abe when Abe is tied to the chair instead and Wilford is on his knees, ready to give him a good time.
When Abe wants to have rough sex, he brings up the fact that Wilford is the reason that Celine and Damien are dead. That is where gunplay and strangulation is more common, as well as violent sex.
Wilford likes to leave Abe tied up after sex and will often light his cigarette for him before letting it burn out on his chest.
Wilford definitely gets Abe into cockwarming.
Wilford can get into Abe's mind and therefore can see his thoughts, but he can also see all of Abe's wet dreams.
He holds his gun during sex with Wilford, almost as a safety blanket, but Wilford is into it.
Wilford will 100% remind Abe of his bullet wound during sex so that he can either wound fuck or engage in blood play
If Wilford were to tie Abe up, it would be with satin ribbon or with fluffy cuffs. If Abe were to tie Wilford up, its with rough rope and metal cuffs. There is something to be said about how each feels about masculinity
When Wilford leaves in the middle of the night, Abe takes it incredibly personally, but Wilford does not consider it that way at all.
Wilford wants to spit roast Abe with another timeline of himself
Someone save me from myself.
The worst part is that this probably won't be my only post about them
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