Physical Rehab Diary

What a year... Not only did I go through physical rehab to help with my back and knee problems, I also got diagnosed with ADD, finally explaining wth is wrong with my head too. After a lifetime of trying to find out what was wrong, getting all of this in one year is quite an experience... Remembering how a year ago I had nearly given up on myself and then thinking of how I feel now... there are no words.

Sure, the emotional rollercoaster that is trying out different medications/dosages is exhausting and frustrating, but we're working on the actual problem! “All knowledge is worth having.” The unknown is a big shapeless monster, adapting at every strategy you throw at it. Whereas now it's ‘just’ a disorder I suffer from, and I'm not gonna let something like that get the better of me.

The psychiatric diagnostic process has been finished and I have ADD, aka ADHD-PI. I know it's not the most pleasant diagnosis to receive, but damn, I'm relieved, with the right medication and therapy most people manage this just fine.

What a year it's been, not only fixing my body, but also finding out what's wrong with my head... At my next appointment we're going to start working on finding out which medication is best for me. I know it's not going to be easy, but the future is full of possibilities again.

Wow I can't believe it's over so fast! And with so much improvement! I love what my body can do now and how little working out hurts compared to what mere being felt like before! But now comes the most important part and that is keeping this up on my own, without them being there every week. Physically I have full confidence in being able to do it, I just have to be very wary of my mind... Which brings me to the next bit...

I had my first appointment with the psychiatrist I got referred to while in rehab, I requested this because I want to get my anti-depressant use checked out, since I no longer feel depressed. After hearing my story he told me it actually sounds to him like all this time I've been accidentally treating something else. I am not depressed but I feel so much better on the meds because they calm my mind, which, he thinks, is because I have ADD... I had never heard of ADD, but it's like ADHD, only the hyperactivity takes place all in my brain... After reading up on it, it explains sooo much!

So, we're not quite there yet! The coming weeks will have me be tested so they can form a proper diagnosis and hopefully I'll know for sure soon... Fixing my body... check! Fixing my mind... in progress...

Found some affordable running shoes with extra gel-inlays and special socks as a nice set. Of all the hopes I still had, running seemed way too far out to even be considered possible, ever. And now I'm doing it! Sure I run tiny, tiny bits and then walk for a bit and then run again etc. But it's running!

Only two more weeks of physical rehab to go and I've finished the programme! Now this doesn't mean that I'll be at 100%, but rather that I'll have gained enough to be able to get there myself :D

It has begun! I'm now job hunting like a normal unemployed person :P I have to send out five applications a week or I lose my benefits, which is fine, cause I do want a job.

Let real life begin!

Next week I have an appointment for getting unemployment benefits and I'm shitting myself... So much is depending on this, since with my mostly empty cv, I'm not gonna get a job any time soon and to actually start my own life now, I need some kind of income...

I just hope it's not too late for me...

The concert last Monday was absolutely amazing! And I don't mean just the band ;) At the start of the evening I was still very aware of my back and needed to pay attention to bending forward, but it wasn't until the next day that I realised that the rest of the evening I didn't need to think about it anymore... I was able to just enjoy myself, while standing up, for hours without any pain pulling at my consciousness and that way it didn't matter that there were many many people close around me and loud noises etc.

Much of what's being discussed lately is about how to deal with future setbacks and how to prevent full relapsing. Since the main cause of my problems has been my back and knees, as long as I can keep them strong, I'm not actually worried about that. But since it's something I've suffered from for nearly twenty years, I cannot deny it's psychological impact on me. So I am taking this seriously as I think it will at the very least be helpful during tough times.

I am going to a concert Monday (yay!) and am also treating this as sort of a test. The last time I went to something like this was in January, so now I can compare how it is now. I am sure it'll be awesome, but it's good to have a plan for when things go wrong, for when I start to feel overwhelmed. Things like breathing and feeling my whole body and that it's ok to just sit down to the sides for a minute when needed.

This week was my half-way evaluation talk! My SO couldn't make it, so I took my mom. It was kinda weird sitting there with five of my therapists on the other side of the table XD But it was really good! Everyone is so happy with the progress I've been making and even more importantly, confident that I will be able to keep it up once the programme is finished. I am now half way and after that I'll be send on to other therapists for whatever is still needed, for instance I still need help switching my medication, but I don't need a whole rehab team for that ;)

I am also really looking forward starting some kind of part time job. I don't even really care that much what it is, just that I'll be able to make my own money.

Just had my first real haptotherapy session and it was quite awesome. I had seen/heard some strange examples of what it might entail, but the basics weren’t actually weird :P All I had to do was lie on the table, fully dressed (but not shoes) and be touched. Kinda like massage, but where massaging is usually quite ‘violent’ and you find yourself trying to distance yourself from it to get through the painful parts, here you are supposed to just follow where you are being touched. It’s all very gentle and, as she put it very well, the effect is the same as massage, but your body will do all the actual work :D I left feeling very relaxed, but also like I was strangely breathing more oxygen…

Given how much better it is going now, I can’t help thinking “Can it really be this easy?”. Just these simple changes to my back and knees, combined with many short breaks in between activities and I feel so much stronger. Why was I told by different doctors that my knees couldn’t be fixed… That my back was mostly fine… Why did such a large part of my life get wasted…