Healing Hearts & Soothing Souls

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The way we think about or speak to ourselves it’s a key aspect in self exploration and the process of recovery. After all, we are around ourselves twenty four hours a day and three hundred and sixty five days a year. So, with this logic it makes sense that we can be our own worst enemies, but at the same time having a healthy relationship with how you view and discuss yourself can be one of the most powerful tools in anyone’s recovery journey. Self esteem for many in the mental health community, our system included is a huge and exhausting battle, But I am hoping that with this post getting a handle on at least one aspect will be at least a little less daunting. So now it’s self-love o’clock and if you want read along and we’ll figure some stuff out.

How do we talk to ourselves?

Internal monologue

Pay attention to your internal reactions to things like your mistakes, victories, and interactions with other people. Sometime this is obvious other times its more of subconscious things more like a general feeling of guilt shame or lack of self worth.

Examine these thoughts from a third party perspective. I find that these questions can be extremely helpful in this sort of examination.

What is the message in this thought? (What’s it saying)

Would this be something I would say outloud?

Is this something I would say to a stranger? How about a friend? Or even a pet or young child?

2. Taking a closer. Look at the true nature and severity of how you speak to yourself as opposed to how you interact with other is a crucial albeit painful step in shifting your views on yourself.

3. Reflect on what you have noticed I or observed

For example, if you noticed the messages were negative, meant envoke feelings of shame, or something you wouldn’t say to someone else. Think about why you came to those conclusions and what you might say instead, or even stop saying anything about it all.

How do we talk about ourselves?

1. Receiving compliments- pay attention to the way you respond to compliments.

Do you minimize your accomplishments?

Do you make self deprecating remarks in response?

Do genuine compliments make you uncomfortable?

Can you compliment yourself in a genuine way?

2. Humor

Do you make jokes that minimize your talent, worth, value or skills?

Would this be okay to say to someone else?

Why do you say this about yourself? What does it accomplish?

The effects of negative self-talk

In the moment

Minimizes you or what you are describing/ referring to?

Provides negative reinforcement, often without reason.

Implies that it is alright to talk to yourself or others that way.

Starts a pattern or habit (Difficult to stop, trust me)

Overall

Lowers your self esteem and confidence in yourself or in your abilities.

Makes you appear as if you are less competent or worthy (that is not true)

Can make advocating for yourself and setting boundaries much harder, as at some level you can convince yourself the self deprivation and negative thoughts are the truth or you somehow deserve to be treated or spoken to in that way.

How to work on this:

My first reaction when I learned this was something along the line of “well great yet another thing I have to work on”. But after sometime and working towards this goal for a while it really does make a very big difference in your self esteem, ability to make boundaries, and advocate for yourself. As annoying as these things may sound they are worth it, and these techniques overtime really do make a difference.

The ‘Five nice things” technique

This is one that I have my partner help my with and works best when you can have someone prompt or gently remind you to stay on top of this challenge.

Basically the general idea behind this is everytime you say something negative, mean or self deprecating about yourself, you outloud list five nice things about yourself.

Example

Uh I’m the worst parrot groomer ever

I am kind

I am funny

I am good at my job

I am worthy of appreciation

I am strong

The “gentle voice” technique

This is a more self coached way of approaching negative self talk. Effectively you speak to yourself, often out loud at first, they way you would a pet or youn child. (I know this sounds strange, but hopefully the example will help)

Example

Let’s say you forget to do something for your friend and have feelings of guilt and want to say something unkind to yourself Instead of a mean comment approach it as if you are speaking to someone you care about

Instead of “Oh I’m such a fish stick” try “Whoops, I made a mistake, but thats okay, I can bring Steven the muffins later on”

Effectively turn the statement from a harsh judgement on yourself to a more gentle and understanding response, that is encouraging and solution oriented rather than heart full and encouraging of shame.

Basic tips to improve self esteem and the way we talk to or about yourselves:

Try to eliminate self deprecating humor from your vocabulary, instead of these joke you can say something absurd in a none harmful way (Not “I’m so clumsy” but instead “That rug has wronged me”)

Try using gratitude statements instead of constant apologies (Thank you for listening to me, Thank you for waiting etc)

Accept compliments with gratitude instead of silence, minimization or deflection

Compliment yourself/Acknowledge when you have done well

Verbally forgive yourself for mistakes. (“I forgot about the bake sale but thats okay, people make mistakes. I am allowed to make mistakes.)

Surround yourself with positivity whether that be changing up social media, people around you, media consumed and the way you talk to and about yourself (I like putting post its everywhere with happy stuff, having something happy as my lock screen, changing music, and apps like motivate (sends inspirational quotes))

Be patient with yourself, this change wont happen overnight, and thats okay

AFFIRMATIONS ARE FREAKING GREAT (I literally say this every post but still, say it into being lovely humans)

If you had a shit parent then that should motivate you to be a great parent for your kid!