jordan

His name paired with those three words had NEVER sounded f o r e i g n coming from her. They were ALWAYS a touch, a look, a kiss away from spilling out of her. His name had always had a place setting at the table of her tongue because she learned love like WAIT FOR IT. And this was all that it took. A PROFESSION of love, who would’ve thought it’d be this simple ( except absolutely everybody ) to prove that the improved skyline wasn’t one she had to build alone, NOT ANYMORE. The touch is warm, more than that it is welcoming. An admission that he had never truly left, he was just LINGERING in the outskirts of town, waiting for the right moment to come back. Now it’s her turn to wipe her thumb along his cheek, how much it felt like wiping the slate clean, FORGETTING all of the things that had SEPARATED them before, and celebrating three simple words they had held back for far too long. The words make her light up inside, maybe all she needed was a little sunlight after all. “I love you, I love you.” She repeats, because she means the words with EVERYTHING in her, and she knows that the words have finally resonated with him. The kiss transports her back to underneath the bleachers, sneaking away from gym for an EMERGENCY to kiss him the same way he’s doing right now. She always simultaneously felt breathless and as if they could survive underwater or in outer space, breathing his inhale into her exhale. The seasons HAD changed twenty times since they had last had each other, but she’d be damned if she let one more pass without him by her side. “I love you Jordan Lee, but if you EVER use my full name again you’re dead.” She falls into him willingly, unlike high school where she had no defense over his smile and his gentle hands which handled her like porcelain. “Stay forever.” she whispers, an admission of her own LONELINESS, a plea that this would be it for them. “Marry me and stay forever.”

                                                     𝙒𝙄𝙏𝙃 𝙅𝙊𝙍𝘿𝘼𝙉  .

giving a warranted look of confusion , “ what the fuck ? “ he laughs . either fighting had knocked out the last of his working brain cells or jordan had just thrown a riddle at him . “ who the fuck is delilah ? “ taking another bite from the donut . allowing the topic to switch over , but the last thing he was about to do was let the whole topic completely slide yet again .  “ normally it’s like … coffee or alcohol , but she was feeling different , i guess , “ he admitted with a slight shrug . “ they’re good though , “ holding up the last piece before popping it in his mouth . “ they do , “ he chuckles , with a slight shake of his head . “ bro , all i know is if you need me to object on the big day just look my way and blink three times . “

“My wife-to-be, keep up.” He says it so NONCHALANTLY ( don’t worry, he’s still INTERNALLY SCREAMING ). “Thanks for the sentiment, but I think I’ll do fine without morse code on my wedding day.” It still felt WEIRD to say,  it almost felt like his life took a turn for METHOD ACTING. “But I’d like for you to be up there with me, man. I mean, do you want to be a part of the wedding party ? ?” He asks and his expression shifts SHEEPISHLY    - he’s not so used to vulnerable moments. “Even if it doesn’t make complete sense to you.” He adds in when there’s a MOMENT of silence and uncertainty.

“um… yes? like, any other word in the english dictionary, jordan!” he teases, genuinely laughing at him. it was a good kind of laugh though, a laugh that assured him he was on his good side. stellan did like jordan, he thought he was a nice guy with good looks and a big heart, but… he just didn’t know if his cousin was exactly in love with him. “that’s awesome! i love dogs so much. i mean, animals in general, but you know.” he waves a hand dismissively. “so like… you came all this way to give me cookies? honestly, i’m honored.” he tells him, bringing his hand up to cover his heart dramatically. 

He LAUGHS at the gesture, but it’s more of a huff of air than anything. “I’m a philanthropist at heart.” he goes with the JOKE despite having MOMENTS AGO been cornered by girl scouts outside the complex. “The second, clearly less important reason was that I wanted to talk to you about the wedding...which is actually happening...that I am the groom for..” it’s like he’s SOUNDING it out as he says it. Like HE’S still trying to wrap his head around it.

She scoffs at the thought, “I don’t even know what’s best for me Jordan, I feel lost, like somewhere along the way I took too many wrong turns.” Wasn’t that how the saying goes? Love is a maze? Rhia hadn’t accounted for the THICK IVY growing in the ground, how lucky she was that wrong turns had led her back to him. It was foolish to think anything else. That even after he’d packed up and moved out of her life, everything still pointed back to HIM, in hopes that one day he would return and think that the improved skyline would be beautiful enough to stay this time. “We have HISTORY, and I told you that was always my worst subject.” Maybe that isn’t the answer he’s looking for, but it’s all that she can offer, a joke in place of all the destruction she’s caused. “I NEED YOU…to stay this time,” she whispers scared to say the words out loud, remarkably hurt she had buried deep down was resurfacing, spilling out into her words. Hurt from a girl who thought ALL OF HER FEELINGS could be contained in a diary entry about losing the love of her life. She’d never let herself revel in the heartbreak until this point. I CAN’T DO THIS. The words ECHO in her head over and over again, even the improved skyline WASN’T GOOD ENOUGH. “I really a terrible person then?” she asks with a choked sob, it feels like the hurt is clawing it’s way out of her chest, desperate to escape the dungeon she’d locked it in for so long. Jordan was both the KNIGHT IN SHINING ARMOR and the DRAGON, there to save her, and the same reason she needed to be guarded in the first place. But she realizes for once, she needs to listen, open up her heart to him, and truly feel the words that he said to her. The strides he makes towards her seem to happen in both slow motion and as fast as a supercut of all the times this had happened before. Him walking towards her like a beacon of light, there to return HOPE to a city which had been struggling for far too long. His eyes are staring into hers, and suddenly she can’t help but to let EVERYTHING out, leaning into his palm to drink in any touch she could. A desperate plant growing into the sunlight, as if that alone could save it. “WHAT DO YOU MEAN ??” Now it’s her turn to ask the question. “Jordan…” she takes a second to think of the words, “it’s not fake for me either, I don’t think it ever was. I have planned our entire wedding since I was a teenager, I feel like…like I’ve waited an eternity to get you back, and I DON’T WANT to let you go as easily this time.” She grabs onto his hands, “I still love you Jordan. You may think that I haven’t made up my mind, but I have, I think I always did. Through everything, it was ALWAYS me and you. I love you.” For ONCE there’s no itching, the ivy isn’t completely dead, but they have both finally been released from it’s grasp.

Rhiannon had always been imagined getting married to Jordan but never under these CONDITIONS. Never under stipulations set by someone else, especially not his parents. “You didn’t have to.” She can tell in the way that he looks at her, to her something FUNDAMENTALLY has changed, it’s not the same way he had looked at her before. This didn’t feel like high school hand holding in the library, or SURPRISE visits from Harvard. His cold gaze felt more like a lifetime of heartbreak, like losing someone you’re going to spend the rest of your life with even though they were right in front of you. “It’s DIFFERENT. She and I just…” she trails off, just what? Just fell in love? Just almost made it? Just can’t seem to let each other go? It clicks with her that she’s no longer talking about IVY, that all of this has been about him. “Because I wanted your attention, because I needed to express my feelings WITHOUT words,” The thought that this is her tipping point, rejection from someone she’d spent years winning the affection from, not as she needed to try hard before. A part of her perishes knowing that wasn’t the ENTIRE TRUTH, but it was what she meant now. Jordan had always been hard to read, but he’d never been this hard to contact. She’s stuck YEARNING for any crack that she can slip through, that her words will ricochet in his heart, hold any kind of meaning to him. She sinks to the floor, knowing he thought their entire relationship fizzled into a CAMERA FLASH. “Do you really think that I need cameras for this? I don’t need people around to tell you that I love you. That I have always been in love with you. I’m sorry that I made you think anything else.” Apologies SELDOM left her mouth, but here it was warranted.

“No. That’s not what this is about, Rhi. You just did what was best for you, I can’t -  - I’m not going to be mad at you for that.” DISAPPOINTMENT isn’t madness. It’s his own FAILURE and character flaw to find love where it apparently ISN’T. Yesterday’s love owes us nothing TODAY. “Just what ? ?” He KNOWS he doesn’t want the answer, but he can’t MOVE ON without it. He can’t ACCEPT anything without it. Why have these l i n g e r i n g truths, just SAY IT. SHOUT IT in his face, let him sleep alone with it. But she says she NEEDS his attention, and she HAS it. He stands, eyes burning into the skyline, the only FIRE in a midnight city. He hears her, he hurts; she hurts, and he hurts even more. “I don’t know what you need, Rhi. You never told me anything outside of a contract.” He sighs, wondering why he doesn’t just accept her in this moment. He’s held back by PRIDE, he’s got a heavy heart that’s felt t o p p l e d on day after day. And it’s supposed to be as simple as this ? ? Why couldn’t it be simple BEFORE the letter, before engagement rings were exchanged. “Listen, I know” he SIGHS, his shoulders dropping with the breath, “you’re in a shitty mood because of the letter. I get it, and I don’t want to make you feel worse, but I can’t do this.” He shakes his head, but he still can’t turn to face her. HE CAN’T DO THIS TO HER AGAIN. How come he never means goodbyes ? ? “I can’t keep -  - ” He turns his head over his shoulder, and he sees her all PITIFUL and BROKEN on his floor. Step by step he makes his way to her, squatting down to the floor, his finger picks her chin up. He looks in her eyes, and his thumb brushes the tears on her cheek in instinct. “in public you kiss me...” he’s DRENCHED in melancholy, the moonlight seems far away. “And I’m not pretending then. When I surprise you in public, I’m not pretending just for pictures. I don’t start pretending until I’m home and we’re just friends again on my couch and Ivy is on your mind. I guess -      - It’s not fake to me. And I can’t keep pretending it is. I can’t just sit in the middle of this, you have to choose. Me or Ivy or maybe you pick no one. I don’t know, but if you want Ivy, then choose her. I won’t ask why, I won’t hold it against you, but you have to choose. And then I’m walking out of this contract, I’ll pay the costs, because I can’t fake something that’s real to me, Rhi.” He drops his hand from her cheeks and wonders if it was for the last time. “I still love you, Rhi, but I need to know if it’s time to let go.” It’s so SULLEN, it hardly sounds like a confession. As if it ISN’T the first time he’s uttered these words in years. It almost felt like he never stopped, but that would be too good to be true.

The door clicks and she walks into their Jordan’s home and it feels as welcoming as Ivy’s did. As if she’s leaving one battle to go fight another, but it could be said that he was the lesser of two evils. At first she doesn’t understand why, but she sees the opened letter, and everything in her drops, like the best part of roller coasters she had always been AFRAID of riding. Like a nightmare that she couldn’t escape no matter how hard she PINCHED HERSELF, wishing this was all in her head, that she would wake up and things would repair themselves. It had to get BETTER than this right? She had to be better than the kind of person Ivy had written her out to be. “This ISN’T fair,” she remarks surprising herself with how fragile and minuscule her voice sounds, “I’m NOT a bad person.” She can’t tell if she’s trying to convince HIM or HERSELF. His words sting like rubbing alcohol on wounds she didn’t even knew existed anymore. “She’s just ropes me in, traps me, and suffocates me,” IVY was much like her name suggested, if only Rhia knew then she was the poisonous kind. She still hasn’t moved from her spot against the doorway, too scared that approaching him would be the TIPPING point, “I’m marrying you. Your love’s too good to lose. I’m scared. Terrified actually.” She remarks, with a shallow sigh. It was going to be a long day.

THIS ISN’T FAIR -  - it’s what he’s been repeating in his own head these past weeks. He’s only TRUTHFUL to his heart when they’re in public, and in private it’s back to pretending. He throws the letter to the side, his posture so hunched over that his mom would have a FIT if she saw ( that’s NOT how a successful man should be perceived - - but truly it’s rare that he EVER feels perceived for who he is ). “I never said that.” Because even after all of this, he doesn’t think she’s a BAD PERSON. He NEVER thought she was a BAD person, even when he bailed her out of holding. He thought she was a changed person, but in that way even he’s envious because he feels like he CANNOT. He’s just growing in a mold intricately designed by his parents through piano lessons, language tutors, MARRIAGE CONTRACTS. “I know what she’s like. It’s just,          what’s the point of all of this ? ?” He waves his hand, the point of US. “Why did you even want this whole publicity stunt ? ? Why did it have to be me ? ?” Because he STILL DOESN’T KNOW. A part of him always figured he’d end up in an arranged marriage, but this one didn’t do much to dress OLD WOUNDS. “Rhi, I   -” he’s STOPPED by her words. ISN’T THAT WHAT HE WANTS TO HEAR ? ? WHY DOESN’T IT FEEL GOOD ? ? He gets up, finding himself standing in front of his floor to ceiling windows, giving her only his back to read. “What’s that supposed to mean ? ? There’s no cameras in here.” His words lack INFLECTION, his eyes focused on the CITY SKYLINE.

Alex’s heart dropped to the floor as soon as the question was uttered out of Jordan’s mouth. ‘If you would?’ he could even feel his expression change at this question. It was hard enough having to tell Jordan that he won’t be showing up to his wedding, but to turn down his question at being his best fucking man? Did this change everything for Alex? Was he going to be Jordan’s best man at his wedding, or was he going to be with Ivy that day? Alex could feel his brain going a million miles in one second in this very moment – as Jordan stared at him, waiting for an answer, all Alex could think about was am I going to be there for Jordan or for Ivy? Who needed it more? Was the other person going to understand? Probably not, and that’s what scared Alex the most – he’s been in a constant state of anxiety over this ever since the wedding was announced, and now was the time to finally make a decision and stick with it. “Jordan…–” he started; he didn’t know how he was going to say it, but he knew he couldn’t just say nothing anymore. “Jordan – I can’t… I can’t come to the wedding, anymore –” fuck, it was even harder uttering this out than he thought it would be. He watched Jordan’s expression, completely terrified of what was coming next. “I know that you don’t like her, I know that… but that doesn’t change the fact that Ivy is like a sister to me… and she needs at least someone to be with her on the wedding day. And she doesn’t seem to have anyone else.” He pauses, and tries to read Jordan’s expression – but he couldn’t, so he talks even more, when he probably should just shut up. “You have no idea how much this damn choice has been killing me – I just hope you understand… do you?” 

THERE WAS A PAUSE, a moment between Jordan’s question and the HEAVY Jordan that fell from Alex’s lips. There was a time when Jordan didn’t expect for there to ever be a QUESTION about it, he though in the most grand Alex way, there would have been a triumphant YES within seconds. In the midst of all the uncertainty he felt regarding the wedding, the choice of his best man WASN’T. His lip trembled a moment, his own heart TESTING waters, his eyes looking for the giveaway of the PRANK -  - it wasn’t there. “You can’t ? ?” It was a question, a resignation, acceptance, and denial ALL AT ONCE. “You mean you can’t come as my best man ? ?” He’s reluctant to believe it’s a total NO. This isn’t a birthday party, it’s ( supposed to be ) a ONE TIME THING, not recreatable. A friend doesn’t just MISS THAT, right ? ? “Okay, I get it, just take a shot every time you pull one on me, right ? ?” BUT THE NEXT SENTENCE is the nail in the coffin. The reveal that there IS NO REVEAL. I JUST HOPE YOU UNDERSTAND -  - DO YOU ? ? DO YOU ? ? D O  Y O U ? ? He takes a SHOT ( one of the FIVE ), and his whole body burns. “Yeah. yeah, sure. You have to do what’s best for you.” He doesn’t look at Alex, just swirls the second shot. “But I’m not -  - I can’t -  - it’s just -  -” he’s not good at THESE MOMENTS. He usually tries to keep himself so REMOVED from things, he avoids drama like the PLAGUE yet it seems to rain over him lately. He’s RED from poison ivy, and scratching only makes it WORSE. “Why is she always a part of everything in my life ? ? I don’t get it, it’s so -  -” he leans his head into the palm of his head, his whole body turns away from Alex. “Maybe I need someone to be with me on my wedding day, too.” Because TRUTH OF THE MATTER, and in a way he can’t even explain to anyone due to contracts and subtleties, HE IS HURTING as his heart is tied to a fake marriage when he wishes it was real. And that hurts. HE FEELS ALONE.

ivy sharply inhaled a breath in an effort to control her anger, a nagging voice in the back of her head reminding her how bad it would look for her to punch him right in the throat like she wants to, reaching into her purse and pulling out her phone with the bracelet still between her fingers, ❛ you fucking asshole, did you seriously think i was going to steal this ? i was just grabbing my phone to send a picture of it to my new side piece to see if she likes it. ❜ her eyes narrowed and she took a few steps closer to him, lowering her voice so other shoppers wouldn’t hear, but her rage was still audible in her tone, ❛ listen, dickhead. i know that psycho you’re marrying is desperate enough to pull a stunt like that for someone’s attention, but i certainly am not. not that it’s any of your fucking business, but i almost died. i was unconscious when alex called her, and as soon as i woke up i told her to get the fuck out. now, tell me, would i do that if i was just trying to get her fucking attention, you insufferable prick ? ❜

“You bought rings for your friends and staged a public ‘proposal’  right after two of your exes got engaged, you might be the one desperate for attention and psychotic.” he rolls his eyes, finally seeing now how she SPINS HER WEB, her own reality. “Yeah, you would, Ivy, because you love those games. It’s some sad, lonely part of you that likes the power of pushing people away and the validation of them coming back. I lived it, but now we’re both tapping out, so when you check into rehab for attention, Delilah and I will be checking into our honeymoon and maybe you can finally get some help when you realize no one’s coming back for you this time.”

THE HOUR JUST SEEMS TO BE GETTING LATER AND LATER, Jordan finds himself sprawled out on his couch, Bear crawling into his lap, somehow both a reminder and a relief to his OWN inhibitions. There’s a letter on the other side of the couch that he knows he had NO RIGHT opening, but when your fiance ( ? ? ) runs back to her ex in tears after reading it       what ELSE would flood his conscience ? ? When the door clicks open, he can’t decide if he regrets or is BETTER for reading it. He looks up, and it doesn’t take more than a second to read her ( he’s had plenty practice ). She’s sad      BUT SO IS HE, yes, he’s SAD. Drenched in melancholy at the one feeling he’s NEVER been able to ignore, and she’s always known how to make him feel it. “So you went to Ivy’s ? ?” he asked, but not really asking. He picks up the letter and looks at it, not meeting her eyes. “We’re getting married and you still love her, huh ? ?” THAT’S THE FEELING, too bad hers belongs to the wrong person now.

“Trust me, it’s even more weird for me to hear…” he trails off, his mind drifting back to Ivy. Of course he wanted to be there for his best friends’ fucking wedding. But Ivy was so close to his heart, too – and it hurt him to see her like this; he knew she needed at least one person in her life to be on her side on this. But then he’d be severing his relationship with Jordan and Lux…– Alex stopped his mind from trailing any further before he gave himself a headache. Alex grins at him – right now, Jordan needed Alex to celebrate with him, and that’s exactly what he was going to do. Hopefully, he’ll find the most peaceful solution to this wedding mess eventually. He clears his throat dramatically, standing up for the effect, “Jordan…– Jordie. Here’s to you doing the impossible; finding someone you actually wanna legally bind yourself to. Cheers!” he teases, taking his shot, and then eyeing Jordan. “How about those five shots, then?” 

Jordan is holding his half-empty glass on the table, for a moment his confidence dropping from his features. Even more weird for me to hear, and he knows it’s JUSTIFIED in a lot of ways      it’s just that for a moment even he began to doubt the bigger picture. When your own BEST FRIEND has DOUBTS, what are you to think ? ? But he glazes over it and keeps his heart on his sleeve, but wears a jacket to COVER it. He laughs a little when Alex stands, shaking his head despite how CLEARLY he asked for this. “Cheers ! ! ” He clinks his glass against his friends, pulling the drink to his lips. “Fuck it, line them up, Alex. With a speech like that, how could I say no ? ?” He waves the bartender over before asking for extra shot glasses, but when they’re all lined up in front of him he pauses. “But, uh, first, I should probably get this out of the way....” He almost shuffles in his seat to sit up straight, eyes looking over into Alex’s. He was a LITTLE nervous, he honestly went on Reddit to see how other people asked. “Listen, I know everything probably seemed really sudden, but it would be        nice to have you by my side...at the wedding...as my best man. If you would ? ?” It’s almost a little B R O K E N as a sentence, but he’s not used to being so OPEN and SENTIMENTAL to his friends.