But With You, It's Different

How could she have reacted that way?, Amelia asked herself. How could she have lost her cool enough to do that to her husband, especially when it was obvious nothing would hurt Owen more than having his own family think he was a threat?

Rationally Amelia knew all of that, but her reaction had been far from rational. In fact, she’d been able to navigate through that entire situation with relative calm up until now, but even though it was expected that she lost control of her emotions at some point, Amelia simply hadn’t anticipated that it would be in such a harsh situation, one that seemed to be inflicting more pain on the person she loved and had been desperately trying to help for months now.

“I didn’t mean to make it all worse,” she sounded heartbroken and that killed Owen.

“You didn’t,” Owen’s voice was a whisper. It was making him sick that she was blaming herself when he was the true villain of that story and he couldn’t let that go on anymore.

It took a while for Owen to realize that he was indeed hurting the people he loved the most but exactly like Amelia had predicted, the moment had arrived. And he desperately wished he had listened to her sooner. He deserved all the pain and didn’t mind bearing it, but she didn’t deserve any of it and he hated himself for causing it.

“How did this happen?” Owen asked before he could filter it. He had been trying to figure out why the situation had spiraled out of control, but he just couldn’t make sense of what had triggered it. “Why did you think that I was…?”

He couldn’t finish the sentence and Amelia understood why.

She swallowed hard and tried to control her emotions. Admitting to what had just happened was hard enough without having to explain it, but he deserved the truth and she knew they had to talk about it if they wanted to get through that situation.

“You were… You looked like you were losing control of yourself,” Amelia swallowed down a sob and wiped her eyes free of tears as she tried to make sense of everything. They were standing opposite to each other on their kitchen and yet she couldn’t take her eyes off the floor because she was too embarrassed to admit the things she was saying. “You just had this look on your face, Owen… You never looked at me like that,” the neurosurgeon felt horrible to be saying it but it was true. “We’ve had many arguments in the past and some nasty fights too…” she recalled. “But you never looked at me the way you did tonight,” she explained, feeling awful about it. “And when you came onto me like that,” she paused, reluctantly reliving the moment, “it immediately took me back to the recent times you’ve done things,” Amelia didn’t realize a single tear had run down her cheek as she raised her head to meet his eyes. She took a deep breath to regain the strength she needed in order to keep sharing. “You know…” she saw on Owen’s devastated face that he wasn’t quite sure what she was talking about so she forced herself to go on. “Like when we were in Charleston and you jumped that guy for no apparent reason... You had that exact same look on your face.”

“Amelia…” Owen’s apologetic voice sounded so defeated that it made Amelia reconsider going on, for she didn’t even want to hear him sound so emotionally shattered. But she knew she had to.

“It’s like you weren’t even here,” Amelia tried to explain it in the best way she could. “As if you were gone and there was only rage and… and…” the neurosurgeon struggled. “In Charleston, moments before you hit that guy, you were looking at him with that rage in your eyes. It was the same when we were at Tommy’s tennis event and you threw a ball at Koracick,” Amelia swallowed hard. “In all those times, it felt like you were a whole different person,” It was written all over Owen’s face that he was going through the events to make sense of everything and she could also see how excruciatingly painful that entire ordeal was. “And I am sorry that I jumped to that conclusion, I…”

“I let the anger get the best of me,” Owen interrupted her as he summed up what she was saying. He was finally making sense of everything. Owen couldn’t blame Amelia for reacting the way she had, but it didn’t mean it hurt any less to have her think he could ever physically hurt her. “And you thought I was about to lose my head with you too,” Owen reached the right conclusion, unable to look her in the eyes. He felt absolutely ashamed and disgusted at himself.

“Yes,” Amelia admitted. After Owen had run his hand through his hair in a typical frustration gesture, she had belatedly realized his abrupt movement had nothing to do with hitting her. Now, the neurosurgeon felt incredibly stupid and pathetic with her reaction. But rationally, Amelia knew her fear was justifiable.

Long minutes of silence followed and for a brief moment, Amelia thought she’d lost him. He looked crushed, as if he was struggling to come to terms with what he’d just realized on his own.

But then Owen took his hand to his temple, closed his eyes and breathed heavily before finally opening them again to face her.

“Amelia?” his voice was so hoarse that it made her want to cry. “You were right,” he added, crestfallen. “I really do need help. I can’t do this on my own,” he realized with honesty. “And I’ve been pretending that I can for a while now.”

Amelia could see how destroyed he looked. It became clear to her that for the first time, her husband accepted everything that was happening to him.

At that moment, Owen was convinced that he needed help to get through this and overcome those PTSD episodes. And not because someone had told him or convinced him. But because he had experienced the fallout of his condition through his wife’s eyes.

That evening, Owen had reached his rock bottom and his strength to bounce back from it was as admirable as his courage to collect his pieces and admit to the truth after being in denial for so long.

Amelia nodded her head affirmatively. Even though deep down she felt a sense of relief for finally sensing that this time, he meant it and things would be different, she also felt deeply upset to witness him looking so broken and miserable.

“It’s going to be okay,” she promised him, determined to let him know he could count on her full support. “You’re going to get better and we will get through this,” she made sure to voice those words looking deeply into his eyes. “And I will be with you in every step of the way.”

.

Amelia fidgeted in bed, unable to sleep. The room was engulfed in total darkness, but her eyes had already adjusted to it as she focused them on the patterns of the drapes, her mind racing through the recent events of that day. It would be completely silent too if it weren’t for the heavy drops of rain hitting the windowpane.

Her husband was downstairs and Amelia knew he needed time alone to process what had just happened.

She had once been in his shoes once, reaching her lowest possible level. It was hard, painful but for her it had also been incredibly lonely, mostly because she hadn’t let anyone in.

It was hard enough dealing with the situation alone. Amelia remembered how ashamed of herself she’d felt after she’d realized the pain she’d inflicted on others, and that made her sympathize with her husband’s circumstance even more. That’s how she understood the need to be alone at that moment. Owen had just taken a huge step that evening, the most important of them all. And he probably needed some time on his own to accept the reality he’d just uncovered.

As Amelia dealt with her thoughts and memories of the past, she lost track of time, unaware that through long hours she’d remained wide awake in bed hoping and praying that for Owen, going through that journey of reflection, self-awareness and recovery wouldn’t be as painful as it had been for her.

When he finally did enter the room, the memories instantly vanished from her mind and she focused on the present moment.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you,” Owen said sincerely as he moved in the darkness, getting rid of his clothes to put on his pajamas.

He had been silent and made a stealthy entrance but Amelia was too alert to have missed it.

“You didn’t,” she assured him just as Owen went to his side of the bed and gently pulled the covers to get in. “I couldn’t sleep either,” she confessed, hoping that wouldn’t make him feel worse.

Amelia noticed how he kept his distance, almost as if he was making an effort to stay away. Since they shared a bed, it wasn’t uncommon that their arms or legs brushed on each other’s beneath the covers, and it was quite common for her to roll over to his side on her sleep. Normally, whenever Owen went to bed and she was already there, he gave her a goodnight kiss or at least brushed his hand on her hair simply to acknowledge her presence.

That moment though he seemed convinced that he should stay away and Amelia was aware it had everything to do with had happened a few hours before downstairs. At the same time she wanted to let him know nothing needed to change between them, she also didn’t want to force him into anything when she knew how uncomfortable he must have been feeling.

Owen lay as still as a statue with his fingers intertwined over his stomach as his eyes faced the ceiling. He had just spent the past three hours going over the last three months. It had been painful but it was only when he got himself to write an email to Dr. Katharine Wyatt that he’d been able to feel like he’d finally done something for himself.

Owen sincerely wished she would be able to find time for an appointment for him, but if she couldn’t, he would make sure to take up on the offer for a referral. There was no time to be wasted anymore and he wanted to get better, to feel better. Making sure he had an appointment with a professional had been the first step, but there was something else on his mind that was troubling him. And Owen wasn’t sure he’d be able to relax ever again if he didn’t bring it up and say it.

“You’re still awake?” he turned only his head to the side, searching for Amelia’s gaze despite the darkness in the room.

“Uh-huh,” Amelia mumbled, giving him her full attention.

“There’s just something I need to say…” Owen felt a lump on his throat and had to pause momentarily. When their eyes met, he finally continued. “I know you probably know it, but I just need to say it anyway…” he hesitated but ultimately moved to his side so he could face her, but drew back and recollected his arm to keep a safe distance.

Amelia noticed he was having a hard time dealing with the emotions that were consuming him, so she just gave him time and waited in silence, knowing that eventually, he would get there. After swallowing hard, Owen was able to go on.

“Amelia, I would never hit you,” Owen affirmed with conviction. His tone mixed reassurance with apology and she noticed it. “Just the thought of it makes me sick,” he said convincingly. “And I know the only reason why you’d ever consider that I would was because you felt like I wasn’t myself, but I just needed you to know that the thought has never, ever crossed my mind. Not once. Not tonight and not in twelve years,” he added. Amelia swallowed hard, trying to control her emotions too. She still felt incredibly guilty that she’d reacted that way, but to have him care enough to the point where he needed to say those words to assure her completely messed with her because Amelia didn’t doubt anything he was saying or the truth his words contained. “You are my wife. I’m not supposed to hurt you. I am supposed to protect you and take care of you,” his voice was so low that it sounded like a whisper.

Amelia realized that he was so disappointed in himself that it was hard to keep going so she decided to finally step in.

“And you’ve never failed to do so,” she turned on her side to be facing him too and smile shyly, noticing how emotional he looked despite the absence of lights. “Owen, I’ve never felt more protected or looked after my whole life than when I’m with you.”

Amelia was sure of what she was saying and it wasn’t the first time she confessed it. She’d told him over and over that inside his arms was where she felt the safest in the world.

“Except for tonight,” he realized with stinging pain.

“No, tonight is no exception,” Amelia moved closer in his direction to let him know that she meant it. The neurosurgeon was acting on pure instinct and not planning any of what she was doing, hence why she didn’t realize the importance of her gesture or her words. “You’re still here. I am still here.”

Owen had never had anyone who had loved him so thoroughly like Amelia did and sometimes it was still a little hard to accept her love when he felt like he wasn’t worthy of it.

His wife loved him with all his baggage, with his darkness, and she had never failed to be there for him. No one had ever loved him more sincerely and it wasn’t until Amelia that Owen had discovered how amazing that feeling was. True love wasn’t only about romance and trying to fit a mold to be perfect for one another. It was about being true to the person they were, and being loved anyway.

Even when Owen had accused his wife of turning on him, giving her every reason to give up or to simply walk away from the situation, Amelia had done the exact opposite. She had believed in him and trusted him. Even In the moments he hadn’t deserved it.

Owen noticed she was still holding his gaze, looking at him with so much intensity that she didn’t even need to say a word to communicate her feelings. Amelia hadn’t moved a finger, but at that moment he understood she was giving him the chance to turn things around and for once change the outcome of that evening.

Owen still hesitated, but his hand carefully reached for the other side of the bed. As his hand finally hovered over her upper arm, Amelia didn’t break away from his contact, nor did she look away, insisting on looking deeply into his eyes.

With that gesture, she was saying she wasn’t afraid of him. Owen let out a breath he didn’t know he’d been holding when his hand finally touched her skin and she threw herself in his direction at the same time he gently pulled her to his chest.

“I don’t ever want you to feel scared like that again,” he confessed. His heart was heavy inside his chest but somehow, Owen felt lighter. “And I’ll make sure that you won’t.”

Her legs tangled with his as Amelia buried her face on his chest. That evening had been emotionally exhausting and she felt drained but also hopeful. For the first time in what felt like a long time she felt reconnected with her husband again and even though she knew he still had a long journey ahead of him, Amelia had absolutely no doubt that together, they’d make it.

.

“… but then we were almost asleep the other night and Amelia said to me I love having you here,” Owen smiled sheepishly as he looked his therapist in the eyes. “And I know it doesn’t make a lot of sense considering we’ve been married nearly twelve years and I am there every night but still… It was pretty nice to hear it.”

“How come it doesn’t make a lot of sense?” Dr. Wyatt adjusted in her seat as she looked at Owen with a professional smile on her face. “It makes all the sense in the world, Owen. You’ve just recently admitted to feeling shame for what you put your family through. You told me sometimes you feel unworthy of having them. Of course these words coming from Amelia would touch you.”

“I guess,” Owen admitted shyly as he looked down to the carpet. “It’s the little things, you know?” he said thinking to himself how Amelia would always say things like we’ve got this or refer to them as a team even when Owen was struggling with a personal issue.  

“It seems like you’ve made some remarkable progress, Owen.”

The trauma surgeon was surprised by his psychiatrist’s affirmation and immediately raised his head to look her in the eyes. That was only his third session. Even though he was confident and positive about taking therapy very seriously and doing whatever needed to be done to deal with PTSD, he supposed it was still too early to see any tangible progress. The confusion was evident in his face, leading Dr. Wyatt to patiently clarify:

“The last time you were here you took a really long time to really take any steps forward because you simply didn’t have people in your life you felt like you could talk to,” the shrink stated. “You weren’t used to sharing how you feel and you didn’t really have any kind of support on the home front. It was very hard to get things out of you,” she added, making Owen think about how years before, he’d sat down on a different couch inside that same room, struggling with similar issues.

It was true that while his personality was still the same and he still didn’t enjoy the process of talking about his feelings, now he could do it much more easily. It wasn’t effortlessly, of course. But over the course of the past years, Owen had had his share of practice.

At the time he’d been diagnosed with PTSD, his ex-wife didn’t have the tools or the strength to make him feel heard and understood. It didn’t matter how much in love with her Owen had been, he just didn’t feel comfortable talking about his feelings or sharing anything emotional with her. The situation was entirely different now because Amelia was the complete opposite. Owen was sure he could talk to her about anything and he often did. His wife didn’t avoid or deny the truth, she was so brave and strong that she’d rather face the truth as hard as it may be instead of living a lie or pretending something wasn’t happening. At the end of the day, that made them closer and strengthened the roots of their relationship.

“I guess that makes sense,” Owen said, glad to have realized it. “I suppose knowing that I won’t be told to sleep in the bathtub is improvement enough.”

Dr. Wyatt chuckled lightly, letting Owen know she’d picked up on the reference to his past.

“It might seem to you that Amelia telling you that she loves having you there was a coincidence,” Dr. Wyatt analyzed. “It could even be that she isn’t conscious of the message she was delivering when she said those words,” the psychiatrist explained. “But if I had to guess, I’d say it was no coincidence at all,” the woman smiled approvingly, watching as Owen agreed with a head nod. He seemed happier and somewhat proud now. After three sessions of watching her patient’s eyes glow every time he mentioned his wife and listening about her, the truth had become quite obvious. And Dr. Wyatt was happy for him. “It seems like Amelia does know how to be a team player, doesn’t she?” she asked, despite already knowing the answer.

“Amelia is the best thing that’s ever happened to me,” Owen replied with no hesitation.

“Well, then you have it,” the doctor wrapped her line of thought. “Like I said, you’ve made some remarkable progress in your life since the last time you were here.”

Owen smiled with contentment. Dr. Wyatt wasn’t talking about their three sessions of therapy and now he knew it. And he could only agree with her.

“And you know what else, Owen?” the woman looked at him over the lenses of her glasses. “It’s time you start believing you’re worthy of having Amelia and the kids,” she read him like a book. “Because after twelve years, I am sure she wouldn’t be sticking around if she didn’t feel the same.”

.

“Hey, you’re still here,” Owen stated the obvious as he closed the door to the research lab Amelia was in. “I thought you’d be in the OR by now.”

“No, I had to cancel my surgery,” Amelia explained and Owen found it amusing the way disappointment was evident on her face. “My patient’s labs came back with a high white cell count and the ICU physician decided to get him back on antibiotics… so surgery got delayed.”

“Does that mean you have some free time to kill between now and going to pick up the kids from school?” Owen smiled mischievously.

His expression didn’t go unnoticed and Amelia struggled to contain a smile. Despite his initial reluctance to seek therapy, Owen was taking it very seriously. It had been ten weeks since he’d started and now she finally felt like Owen was acting spontaneously again. He didn’t give her the impression that he was disconnected or numb anymore. He was back to being attentive, focused, less tense. She knew he still had a long way to go – and planned to be there for him through each step of the way - but it was true that she loved seeing him look so peaceful and relaxed again.

“Are you crazy, it’s a quarter past noon,” Amelia laughed, looking back to the notebook she was typing in. “And just because my procedure got canceled, it doesn’t mean I am not busy,” she pointed to the laptop with her eyes. “Koracick buried me with…”

“Let’s not talk about him,” Owen interrupted her, sneakily moving closer as he stood behind the chair she was occupying. Since she was sitting, he had to bend to get to her, and he didn’t mind looking over her shoulder to the screen on her computer. “That seems pretty boring.”

“We’re actually comparing samples of patients that…”

“Ah-ah,” Owen interrupted her again, much to Amelia’s surprise. “Like I said, boring,” he completed with simplicity, delighting himself with the offended look on her face before he used his fingertips to get a hold of a loose lock of hair and placed it behind her ear to expose her neck. “I bet you could find something more… entertaining to do,” he shamelessly flirted as he brushed his lips on the column of her neck.

“Wow, you are so subtle,” Amelia said with irony, trying to sound unaffected despite the shivers that ran through her spine as the light touch of lips caressed her skin. “Who taught you to flirt?”

Owen laughed with enthusiasm at her attempt to undermine him and watched with enchantment as his wife tried to resist what he was so obviously proposing.

“Well, okay, if you are so busy with your paperwork then I will leave you to it,” he changed his strategy as he straightened himself up and put both hands on his lab coat, preparing to leave.

“What are you doing, get back here,” Amelia demanded when she saw him move towards the door.

Owen thought about teasing her back, but he gave up on it the moment he saw the genuine smile of contentment on her lips.

Amelia leaned back on her chair when Owen walked back, spun her around it in and then bent over to kiss her lips with a mix of urgency and tenderness.

She stood up at the same time Owen leaned back against the counter of the research lab, leveling their heights. His hands grabbed her by the waist to pull her forward as her hands ran through his hair affectionately.

The neurosurgeon was already feeling out of breath and was about to break the kiss when she heard a voice that led her to instantly do it.

“Amelia, are you ready for lunch, we are…” Maggie stopped in her tracks after she’d opened the door and walked in on the kissing couple. “God…You two are annoying,” she complained after realizing what was happening.

Amelia chuckled at the same she pulled herself back together and cleaned her lipstick off Owen’s lips with her thumb.

“About all the entertainment you were proposing,” the neurosurgeon teased by whispering in her husband’s ear as she pulled herself together, “we’ll get back to it later.”

“You better,” Owen smiled back.

After lunchtime, Owen didn’t have a lot of time to revisit their plans due to the busy influx of patients in the ER. And since one of the incoming patients ended up in the OR, needing both Amelia and Maggie’s assistance, it was up to him to go pick up the kids later.

As soon as he parked the car, Owen saw some familiar faces amidst the parents of the other kids. Robbie and Danny were one of the first ones to come out and just as Owen greeted them and took their backpacks, someone from the school staff asked him to hold back because the twins’ teacher wanted to have a word with him.

The surgeon gave the boys a conspicuous glance, immediately assuming they were up to something and had gotten themselves into trouble. But after seeing the confusion on both boys’ faces, Owen realized they knew as much as he did what the upcoming conversation was about.

Only after the last kid had left with her parent, Beth Whitman met Owen outside. The surgeon noticed she had a folder with her. The teacher gently guided them to a bench outside on the schoolyard, next to the fenced playground that first graders used during their break.

Beth gently asked Danny and Robbie to go play as she motioned to sit on the bench alongside Owen, knowing that both adults could keep an eye on the kids whilst having a conversation.

“You have no idea why I asked you here, do you?” Beth asked with a friendly tone as she pulled the folder to her lap.

Owen noticed that unlike the last time they’d met, his ex-fiancé didn’t look so sad. She was almost smiling and her features were lighter and inviting. Even her clothes looked different. Beth had on a simple dress with a light cardigan over it, a combination that Owen had seen her wear many times over on her way to work when they were younger and she was happier.

“I have to say I don’t,” Owen confirmed her suspicions. “Is everything okay?”

“Yes,” Beth finally smiled. “The boys are great. I just wanted to show you this,” Beth pointed with her eyes to the pocket folder on her lap, but before opening it, she took her time to explain, “last week we gave the kids an assignment. They worked on it for three days,” she went on as she carefully removed some paper sheets from the folder. “The task was pretty simple. They were meant to write what they wanted to be when they grow up.”

Owen, who felt a lot more relaxed after being told nothing was going with his kids, didn’t realize he had an amused smile on his lips. He could only imagine what his sons had come up with, considering for the past couple of weeks they’d moved from wanting to be wizards to then truck drivers and most recently, space garbage men. When Owen had asked what the meant, Danny had offered a detailed explanation on how they’d make sure comets stayed on track and sweep space dust to clear the way for rockets in what sounded like a mix of astronaut and janitor.

“As you can imagine, most kids wrote down about superheroes, princesses, singers, athletes… A bunch of them used pictures of their favorite NBA or NFL player,” the teacher shared. “One even said she wants to be president of the country,” Beth smiled fondly, thinking back about the responses they’d gotten. “But I called you here because I thought you might like to see what your sons wrote,” she commented as she handed Owen two different paper sheets.

Owen’s eyes scanned the document and he felt a constriction clogging his throat almost immediately.

On the first paper, he saw a picture of himself wearing his army combat uniform. It had been framed with too many star sprinkles that varied from dark blue to bright red and a lot of circles drawn by sharpies and crayons, in a decoration that would be questionable if it hadn’t been made by a six year old. Danny’s first grade handwriting stood out beneath the image of Owen’s image.

When I grow up, I want to be a soldier like my dad. He went to war to protect our country and kicked the bad guy’s butt. Now he does operations on people and saves them again. I love my dad.

Owen had to struggle really hard to contain himself and fight the tears that threatened to gather in his eyes. But just to mess with him even more, Robbie’s similarly messy handwriting stood out underneath another picture. This time, the image had Owen throwing a football surrounded by his five kids in the backyard of their house.

I want to be like my dad when I grow because he is the best at football, soccer, baseball and hockey. And my dad is also the strongest and he lets me sit on his lap when we get on the car. And he said I drive better than my mom.

Robbie’s picture of choice was also “decorated” in a mess of glittered star sprinkles, drawings of a baseball and a bat, and a frame drawn by a sharpie. But it was the last couple of lines made Owen chuckle. It was almost a ritual when he’d start the car in the morning that the kids asked to join him in the driver’s seat. Danny and Robbie would argue and trade places, both really eager to play with the steering wheel and press every button possible on the car dash in the thirty seconds it usually took for their siblings to get in the car as well. Owen had no idea the boys cherished that moment so much and reading about that really touched him.

But what really messed with his head and his heart was the notion of how his sons perceived him. Owen knew that a father was the first role model to any little boy, but to be regarded so highly by his six-year-old sons made him more emotional than he could ever anticipate.

Looking over his shoulder to the playground, partly because he wanted to see his sons and partly because he didn’t want to be seen looking so emotional, Owen saw the boys laughing while competing to see who’d go higher on the swings. They made things in life seem so simple. And Owen knew that what really mattered was.

The trauma surgeon took his time to get himself back together as he made a deep reflection on his recent discovery. Only after he’d gotten his emotions back in check Owen finally looked back at the woman who had also been looking at his sons as he took his time.

“Thanks for showing me these, Beth,” he said with honesty. “You have no idea how much this means to me.”

“It’s okay. I imagined you would want to know,” the teacher replied with sincerity.

“No, I really mean it,” Owen explained. Taking a deep breath, he prepared himself to do something that was long overdue but that up until now he hadn’t really had a chance to act on.

Truth was, during the past few months, Owen had learned in therapy some really interesting things. For instance, how his previous encounter with Beth and their conversation had impacted him a lot more than Owen had imagined. After his Charleston trip, when he’d learned more details about the ambush that had resulted in the death of nineteen people in his platoon, Owen had come home blaming himself for it. Not long after, he’d run into his ex, only to find out her life hadn’t turned out the way he’d hoped it would after their breakup.

Owen hadn’t been able to connect the dots back then, but now he could see how both events had drained him in guilt, self-loathing and disappointment, adding to his stress and serving to trigger his PTSD episode. Beth wasn’t to blame for anything, of course. If anything, she’d been a victim to his illness. And up until now, Owen hadn’t properly apologized for what he’d done.

“You know, I have been doing a lot of reflection lately,” Owen shared as he struggled to start that conversation.

“You? Reflection?” Beth frowned lightly, teasingly showing her disbelief.

“I know, right?” Owen felt a little more at ease with her bantering tone because it meant she wasn’t uncomfortable with the conversation like she’d been last time. “It shocks me too,” he added, making her laugh. “But the point is that I wanted to say I am sorry for everything I put you through.”

Beth looked around, seeing the green leaves swaying with the summer breeze in the many trees outside. As summer approached, the weather became warmer and more pleasant. It could be just a coincidence, but she also felt like the sun was shining once again in her life after a long period of cloudy days.

“You’ve already said you’re sorry, Owen,” she pointed out kindly.

“I know, but this time, I know for sure what I am apologizing for,” Owen said with sincerity, looking into her eyes as he said the words. “I’ve been doing some work and…” he hesitated, “I realized that I let you down in the worst possible time of your life. I just wanted to say that I didn’t mean to,” the surgeon said the words he finally needed to say to close that chapter. “I didn’t realize it at the time and the reason why I didn’t was because I was too sick and I couldn’t see what was right in front of my face,” he explained, hoping she wouldn’t think he was just making up excuses. “I’ve been through so much and now I know what it is like to have someone be there for you when you need it the most and what a difference it makes,” he explained with a smile, thinking back about his wife. “You deserved better than that and I am sorry that I couldn’t be what you needed me to be at the worst moment of your life.”

Beth was taken aback by the intensity of Owen’s words. She hoped he knew how much it meant to her to hear them. Her ex-fiancé seemed absolutely honest. It was incredible how only after she’d made her peace with not ever getting a heartfelt conversation with him that she’d gotten exactly that.

“Thank you, Owen,” she squeezed his hand, hoping he’d know she was sorry too. “You’ve obviously come a long way,” she looked at the papers in her hand, “it’s no wonder why your kids are so proud of you.”

Owen replied with a shy smile, still overwhelmed by everything he’d learned that afternoon.

“And you know, since we’re sharing good things,” she added, looking a little self-conscious. “I have to tell you something,” she looked expectantly at the man sitting in front of her, seeing how receptive he looked. “I am engaged.”

“You are?” Owen asked with surprise, but genuinely happy for her.

“Yes, he just proposed to me last week,” Beth shared with contained enthusiasm.

“Who’s the guy?” Owen could see how her eyes were sparkling as she shared the information. Beth hadn’t mentioned anything about a boyfriend before and judging by how brighter she looked since the last time Owen had seen her, he guessed she’d fallen in love recently.

Beth blushed intensely at the question, but didn’t shy away from it.

“He is actually the dad of one of my students,” she said in a low tone. “We’ve been seeing each other for four months now but we’re keeping it a secret until the school year is over and his daughter officially isn’t my student anymore.”

“Oh you don’t mean Josh Brown, do you?” Owen thought about the widower who owned a car dealership. Just last year, Owen had bought a car from him and discovered that their kids went to the same school. He genuinely seemed like a nice person and Owen couldn’t be happier for Beth. “Robbie has a giant crush on his daughter Amanda.”

“I know,” Beth looked at him almost offended that he’d assume he was telling her something new about her students. “And yes, it is Josh,” she said as her expression changed completely.

“And Danny has a giant crush on you,” he added teasingly.

“I know,” Beth repeated, unable to contain her laughter. They observed the kids for a while before she added, “I am going to miss them in my class,” she breathed out, already dreading separating from the kids after they moved on to second grade. “Danny and Robbie are a handful, but they are such sweet kids.”

“I know,” Owen chose the words on purpose, teasing her. “But just wait a few years and you’ll get Megan. Then you’ll see what handful really means.”

“Surely she can’t be more active than the boys?” Beth asked with alarm, thinking back to how energetic and explosive the twins were.

“It’s worse than active,” Owen said in a conspiracy tone as if revealing a much too dark secret.  He glanced at the woman next to him as he finally put both paper sheets back in the folder. “She is a schemer.”

Beth laughed with joy at the revelation and proceeded to put the folder back in Owen’s hand.

“Keep it,” she said with a smile. “I’ve already graded them and the school won’t ever notice they’re missing.”

“Look at you breaking all the rules,” Owen joked, deeply grateful for the present she was giving him.

“I know, right?”

“Speaking of Megan, she is probably wondering where I am,” Owen realized, looking at the clock and seeing he was late.

“You should go,” Beth said as she got up following Owen. He signaled for the boys to come in his direction and soon after left, feeling much better than he’d been when he’d first gotten there.

.

When Owen arrived home later that day, he reveled in the opportunity of doing the same ordinary things he did every night. He sorted out what he would need to cook dinner for his family, helped Lucas with his homework and comforted a crying Megan for some good twenty minutes after she’d scraped her knee playing outside.

As she cried raising her arms in the air to be held, Owen couldn’t help but think about what his wife had said about his embrace and the comforting effect it had. As Megan’s cries slowly subsided after she’d allowed her father to clean her bruise, Owen showered her head with kisses, knowing that in a few minutes she’d forget all about it and go back to playing like the cheerful little kid she was.

Megan still had her arms wrapped around his neck when his wife arrived home just a few minutes past six. The little girl immediately sought her mother’s arms after seeing her, which didn’t surprise Owen either. Despite being a daddy’s girl, Megan was still a very young child, and like any regular toddler in that situation, would want her mother as a source of comfort.

After Owen passed the little girl onto Amelia, he watched as his wife caressed Megan’s hair at the same time she whispered reassuring words in the girl’s ear. It never failed to amaze Owen how naturally motherhood had come to Amelia. She always seemed to know the right thing to say or do in the most appropriate times and she was an extremely devoted and affectionate mother.

He could see on her tired façade and on the way she paced back and forth with Megan in her arms all the guilt she felt for not being home much over the past few months. The study she was going to publish was just about to wrap its second phase, and Amelia was really looking forward to it considering that would mean more free time for her.

“Hey, I have an idea,” he said spontaneously. “I was about to cook us dinner but how about we give ourselves a break from routine, order a pizza and watch a movie together?” the surgeon proposed, surprising his wife.  

The frown on her forehead became even more evident when Amelia started to talk.

“That sounds great, but it’s Wednesday,” she pointed out, knowing how unusual it was for Owen to suggest something like that on a weeknight. He was usually very strict about the kids’ routine, how important it was that they had a bedtime and shared a family meal at least once a day on weeknights. “You do know it’s Wednesday, right?” she decided to double check.

“Yes,” Owen smiled, feeling his spirits lighter. “I know it’s Wednesday,” he approached his wife, giving her a quick kiss on the lips before taking his phone off his pocket to order their dinner.

The suggestion had a quick effect on Megan, who forgot all about her bruised knee and ran upstairs to share the exciting news with her brothers. Soon enough, Owen found himself sitting on the floor of his living room, his back against the couch as he closed a cardboard box left on the coffee table.

“Oh, gosh, they are knocked out,” Amelia noticed as she looked at each one of her kids once the movie credits started to run on the screen.

All of their kids had fallen asleep on the couches, except for Robbie who was curled up on the living room carpet.

“Poor thing,” Amelia bent over to try and pick him up. “It’s not even nine yet, how can they be so exhausted already?”

“This is God answering my prayers,” Owen joked as he held Danny in one arm and Megan on the other.

Amelia chuckled loudly, knowing exactly what his intentions were. Earlier that day they had started something they were yet to finish, and it would definitely be nice to have some extra time alone with her husband that evening.

“I can’t do Lucas and Thomas, you either do it or wake them up,” Amelia said after they’d taken the younger kids to bed. At age ten, Lucas was now only a few inches shorter than her. There was no way she could carry him to bed ever again.

It was Owen’s time to be amused and he did as instructed, gently calling the boys to go upstairs and get to bed after they brushed their teeth.

Just as Owen finished closing the door to Thomas’ bedroom, something on the corner caught his attention.

“I just found out who committed the felony with the broken printer,” he told his wife as they returned to the living room to clean the mess. “It was Thomas.”

Amelia knew her husband was talking about a broken printer he’d found in the garage a few months before.

“How do you know that?”

“Well, he wasn’t exactly subtle by leaving a hockey stick under his bed next to a handful of pucks. They know they are not allowed to play hockey inside the house. That stick was supposed to be in the garage.”

“I thought they weren’t allowed to play any sport inside the house,” Amelia pestered her disciplinarian husband on purpose.

“They aren’t,” Owen said with a strict tone. “And hockey is one of them,” he made it pretty clear. Breaking that rule was a serious violation as far as his kids were concerned. “Thomas and I are having a very important conversation in the morning.”

“I already feel sorry for him,” Amelia joked as she collected the plates from the living room and brought them back to the kitchen.

“Don’t be, this is for his own good,” Owen said with a gentler tone. He started stocking the dishwater and kept busy with it for a while before adding, “we all make mistakes. The important thing is to learn from them,” he said with wisdom.

“Are we still talking about Thomas?” Amelia asked with good humor as she stared at her husband very suggestively.

“I am just saying we just can’t let them off the hook so easily,” Owen responded with the same lighthearted tone, on purpose dodging the question. “Life won’t.”

“Fair enough.”

Amelia absolutely agreed that since their son had allegedly broken a rule, he deserved to face the consequences of his action. But she was curious about what was motivating Owen’s speech.

“Is everything okay?” she asked considerately, abandoning the plates to pay attention to her husband. “First, your movie and pizza night out of nowhere, and now you’re talking about rules and mistakes,” she explained her concerns, playfully frowning at him. “Are you alright?”

“Yes,” Owen answered with sincerity. “In fact, I haven’t felt this good in a long time,” he shared, thinking back about recent events. “You know, when Megan hurt her knee today, it made me think of something.”

“Yeah?” Amelia showed she was listening.

“A while ago, she came to me when you were at work one night because she was afraid of this villain on a Disney movie.”

“Scar?” Amelia guessed correctly. “I don’t get how she thinks Maleficent is funny but is afraid of Scar of all villains.”

“That one exactly,” Owen confirmed his wife’s suspicions. “But my point is, she wanted to make sure she was safe and asked me if I was afraid of him too.”

“What did you say?” Amelia laughed with the unusual situation.

“I said of course I wasn’t, and that’s when Megan wanted me to confirm that I am not afraid of anything.”

“And what did you do?” the neurosurgeon asked with curiosity, already foreseeing the answer. “What did you tell her?”

“I told her she was right,” Owen shared, reliving the moment. “I let her think that there is nothing I am afraid of.”

Amelia saw the conflicted expression on his face and tried to understand it.

“Well, you did what you had to, right?” she shrugged. “I mean, she was scared and wanted to feel safe. You reassuring her she can relax because there is nothing that scares you is exactly what she needed,” Amelia explained. After seeing her husband was questioning her answer, she added convincingly, “she is three, Owen. When she is older, Megan will have plenty of time to realize we are not the superheroes she grew up believing we are. But it’s normal that at this age, she thinks you are invincible. And that’s okay because it gives her a sense of security.”

“I know,” Owen nodded his head. What his wife was saying made perfect sense. But he was still not completely okay with the situation. “I know she is still too young and can only see things as black and white at this age, but it still got me thinking… Maybe next time something like this happens, I can let her know that it’s okay to be afraid. That’s what I wish I’d done, you know… Instead of maybe letting her think that not being afraid at all is the answer.”

Amelia reflected on his words for a moment, ultimately realizing he made sense.

“You’re right but…” her face had a light expression as she playfully accused her husband before going back to the dishes, “you’re so philosophical today! Ever since you started therapy you’re full of life lessons.”

“You want me to stop?” Owen asked teasingly, knowing she’d never agree to it.

“Of course not,” Amelia made eye contact with him. Her complaints weren’t serious and they both knew it. “I’m actually really proud of you.”

Owen was touched by her confession. The sweet way she smiled at him reminded the surgeon of one of many reasons he’d fallen for that woman.

“Yeah?” he returned a dishcloth to the counter and went in his wife’s direction with a provocative face.

Amelia replied by standing on the tip of her toes to give him a kiss. Owen ran his hands through her hair with affection, gently placing the locks out of her shoulder to expose the side of her face to him.

“Want to go upstairs?” he whispered between pecks on her neck.

Amelia said yes with her head, wasting no time with the remainders of the dishes. She’d deal with them in the morning. It didn’t matter anyway.

Owen looked forward to many more nights like that. Every day more, as he became healthier, he understood and embraced the importance of the role he played at that house. His family treasured him just as much as he treasured them. Feeling their love and knowing that he was deserving of them was definitely the best feeling in the world.

He had been through many things in his life and learned many things. But if it weren’t for the kids, life wouldn’t make much sense. It was for them that Owen was able to turn the glass half empty into a glass half full. It was also for them that he appreciated every single one of his errors and lessons learned from them, just so he could guide his kids in the path of righteousness and good faith.

His sons and daughter looked up to him as the example of integrity, honor and courage. He wanted to lead them by example. Words meant nothing if they weren’t matched by actions. And Owen knew that better than most.

“You’re not afraid of anything, right?”

Perhaps if Megan had asked him the same question today as she had in the past, his response would be the same but totally different.

Because today, Owen would be able to tell his daughter that he did have fears. For instance, what he was most afraid of was not having her, her brothers and their mother. And Owen could share with her how he’d learned that fear didn’t make a person weak, but rather made them stronger. He could tell her that being tough and strong had nothing to do with never being afraid. Strength and courage were all about moving forward and facing whatever might come, despite any fear she might feel.

Owen had learned that a person could be at their worst and still be loved regardless of it. Amelia had taught him that by showing him how. That made being afraid a lot easier. He was more grateful for Amelia and for the family they’d built together than he was for anything else he’d ever accomplished.  And now he was ready to pay that lesson forward.

As a father, a big part of his job was to make sure his kids were ready to face the world. And Owen would make it his mission that for the rest of his days, the five of them knew that they could be whoever they were and face any difficulties, because they would still be loved no matter what. Owen couldn’t wait to show them that life didn’t necessarily need to be safe to be good.

“Oh, by the way, thank you for giving the boys the pictures they used on their schoolwork and telling me about it,” Owen said with playful sarcasm.

Amelia couldn’t even deny it because she was the only person who could have helped the boys with their work since Owen had just found out about the assignment.

“You saw their work?” Amelia’s eyes got larger with excitement and a little bit of envy. “I am so jealous, I thought they were going to bring it home, that’s why I didn’t tell you they had you as their choice,” she confessed. “But that was two weeks ago, it had totally slipped my mind by now.”

“Well, I brought it home,” Owen pointed with his eyes to the pocket folder on the counter.

Later, Amelia would ask how in the world he’d managed to do so, but now she settled for rushing to see the content of the folder. As she read the words, Owen had to contain his laughter at each one of her facial expressions. His wife went from excited, to moved and ultimately offended when she read Robbie’s last line.

“What were you implying when you said Robbie is a better driver than me?”

“Robbie’s words, not mine.”

“He wrote that you said it,” Amelia accused him.

“To be honest you were never exactly good operating heavy machinery…”

“A car is not heavy machinery!” Amelia rebelled.

“Well, since apparently we’re taking his words at face value, remember that he also wrote that I am the best at everything,” Owen gloated, receiving an impatient glare in return.

“Just wait until Megan has an assignment like this,” she threatened. “I will make sure it’s a two-page essay about my qualities. Just wait and see.”

Owen chuckled with enthusiasm. He loved how competitive she was, even when she didn’t need to be.

“Have I told you recently how much I love you?” he had no idea of the enchantment in his eyes as he looked at her. But Amelia noticed it.

“Not enough,” she replied with a smile.

“I love you,” Owen said without hesitation.

“I am so happy that between kicking the bad guy’s butt and operating on people you still find time to love me,” Amelia smiled mischievously at him.

Owen was well aware he was in for a long round of teasing, but he didn’t mind it one bit.

“I still find time for many, many things,” he said very suggestively. “That’s why I am the superhero.”

“Oh yeah?” Amelia teased as they finally made it to the bedroom and she unbuttoned his shirt in an agonizingly slow pace. “I want to hear more about that.”

Owen pulled her in for a kiss before ultimately getting rid of the shirt to then devote himself to take off her clothes instead.

“I’ll do better than that,” he promised with a spark in his eyes that made Amelia sure she was in for an amazing night. “I will show you.”

--

That was their second night in South Carolina and Owen had to admit he was happy they had taken up on Lieutenant General Harry’s offer to spend a few days. The kids had undoubtedly enjoyed every minute of their days playing outside on the beach and both Owen’s senior officer and his wife were gracious and welcoming hosts.

Owen had to admit he wasn’t expecting to really have fun during that trip, considering his urge to accept LTG Harry’s offer hadn’t exactly been born out of a noble intention. He was motivated to dig up as much information about the discovery he’d made last time he was in Charleston. Owen knew that there was more to it than he’d been told, but the right time to bring it up hadn’t come yet. In the meantime, to his surprise, he was actually enjoying the trip.

The moment the shower stopped running, Owen unconsciously glanced at the room hoping to find Amelia perhaps a little reinvigorated after the quick wash up.

It had been exactly two weeks since they’d had a big discussion that had culminated with Owen agreeing to seek therapy. It was true that he never meant to break any of the promises he ever made to her, but it seemed like everything was conspiring for him to simply forget all about the friction they’d lived through and move on.

Owen had tried to call Dr. Wyatt’s office because he’d worked with her before and she knew his medical history. At first, he’d encountered a really hard time reaching the professional, only to discover the woman was out of town for a conference. Days later, when her secretary called Owen back, she’d informed him that for the time being, Dr. Wyatt was only scheduling follow up patients because she was fully booked, but they’d reach Owen as soon as there was an opening.

It was true that she’d offer to refer him to someone else, but Owen had decided to endure the two-month waiting list for a vacancy. It wasn’t his fault that his counselor couldn’t see him right away, and he technically wasn’t breaking the promise he’d made to his wife. When the time came, he would go to the sessions; it just was beyond his control that those couldn’t begin as soon as Amelia would probably wish.

“You’re awfully quiet,” Amelia interrupted his thoughts, sliding the balcony door all the way to the end at the same time she plodded her way out. The neurosurgeon was just about to ask if something was on his mind when the outdoors view completely took her breath away. “God, what a beautiful sight.”

“I know,” Owen smiled lazily with his eyes fixated on her.

Amelia didn’t notice that he hadn’t been staring at the ocean as he’d said the words but rather at her because she was too busy searching for a chaise longue to sit on. After finding out they were heavier and harder to move around than they seemed, she settled for sitting on the tip of the one Owen was sprawled on.

“I could definitely live in a place like this,” Amelia casually mentioned after a few seconds of admiring the view.

“You could?” Owen frowned in surprised as he sat up straight on the chair and looked in her direction. “You always told me you didn’t want to move.”

“Well, that’s not entirely true,” Amelia replied like that should be obvious. “I mean, I know you love Seattle and I do too,” she shrugged. “But this place is so nice. The weather is great. And there is a beach we can actually go to.”

“But what about your job?”

“What about it? It’s just a job. I can work here too,” she finally turned to gaze him, not really expecting her husband to look so confused. “I suppose Charleston has hospitals,” she added in a joking tone.

“Yeah, but you’re the boss back home,” he pointed out.

“I can climb my way up here,” she smiled devilishly at him. “To be honest, I could quite use a challenge… It’s getting way too easy.”

“But what about the kids? Their school?”

“I am pretty sure they have schools here too,” Amelia laughed at how appalled he looked. She loved to mess with his head.

“I meant their friends, our lives there, everything that is familiar to them…”

“They’re still young, they would make friends anywhere we went.”

“I don’t want my kids to become Panthers fans,” Owen frowned as he mentioned the local football team.

“I think it’s kinda late to de-Seahawk their hearts,” Amelia joked. She knew there was absolutely no chance either Owen or their kids would change teams like that.

“But what about your friends?” Owen asked, still surprised. “The kids could easily make new friends but Maggie and Meredith couldn’t-”

“It sounds like you are the one that doesn’t want to move,” Amelia interrupted him with a playful tone. She had no true desire to leave Seattle, but the neurosurgeon couldn’t resist prolonging that conversation just because Owen looked adorably disoriented by her hypothetical scenario. “I wasn’t suggesting that we moved here, I was just saying that I like the place,” she then explained with an affectionate smile.

Owen took a few seconds longer than usual to recover from that unsettling newfound notion, but when he did, he smiled right back at her.

“It’s just that you always said you’ve felt more at home in Seattle than anywhere else you’ve ever lived,” he pointed out. Owen had always heard from Amelia that she didn’t want to move and if it were up to him, he’d live in Seattle for the rest of his life too.

“It has more to do with the person that I was living with rather than the city itself,” Amelia playfully squinted at him, throwing a very obvious hint.

Owen couldn’t resist her flirtatious tone and quickly got a hold of her, mercilessly pulling his wife in his direction until she crashed on his lap, exactly where he meant for her to be.

The breeze from the ocean added to the relaxing sound of the waves crashing on the shore turned out to be quite soothing. Amelia snuggled next to her husband’s chest and rested her head on his shoulder, feeling his warm hand gently sliding its way up under her shirt.  

Owen rubbed his wife’s back distractedly, unconsciously craving the contact with her skin at the same time he thought about Lieutenant General Harry’s proposal. He’d never really considered moving to South Carolina, and even though it seemed like a great idea in theory, deep down Owen knew it was not what he wanted.

Perhaps the chance to start over somewhere new could be tempting, but at that moment Owen was more interested in the way Amelia’s fingers idly caressed the back of his head. She was nearly asleep and he had no doubt he was going to end up having to carry her to bed, but the notion didn’t bother him. Amelia had been absolutely right to point out that home had more to do with a certain someone rather than somewhere. And right now, Owen just felt absolutely grateful that he could hold his someone in his arms.

.

Owen brought the rim of his scotch glass to his lips at the same he studied the room around with his peripheral vision, making sure to seem interested in the story the people he was supposed to be appeasing were telling him.

The trauma surgeon knew he shouldn’t feel that bored. He was at a party, after all. And the beach house he, Amelia and the kids were staying in felt pretty much like a resort. Kiawah Island, the small town located twenty-five miles from Charleston, South Carolina, was Owen’s former boss’ dream house, the one he escaped to with his wife and family during weekends.

Lieutenant General Harry seemed to be absolutely thrilled that Owen had finally accepted his invitation, and even more pleased that he’d gotten to take the man and his wife to an annual fundraising gala event they attended at the club along with other senior officers. Owen had met most of them before during his army days. But now, after listening to several other guys use their loftiest tones on him in futile attempts to sound impressive, Owen had grown bored quite quickly.

He thought about the kids staying back at Harry’s house with the man’s youngest daughter and her boyfriend. They had just arrived home from college and upon meeting the five kids, had promptly ditched the babysitter and suggested a night of videogames and ice cream instead. And now, after repeatedly listening to words such as sustainable, scalable and impact through the course of the evening, Owen had to admit he kind of envied his children right now.

Amelia on the other hand seemed to be having quite some fun, he realized, smiling for the first time that evening. The theme for the night was Casino Royale and the place was decorated accordingly. Owen could easily spot his wife at the roulette table laughing heartily as she talked to the dealer before placing her bets on the table. Owen also noticed two men standing next to her, each on one side, and unconsciously scowled when he recognized the man to her right as one of the few people he’d ever had the displeasure of working with.

Owen didn’t like the guy but he liked even less the hand that touched Amelia’s shoulder as the Sergeant bent to point something at the table.

“The wife seems to be enjoying South Carolina,” Harry interrupted Owen’s thoughts with an enthusiastic speech. The surgeon knew his former boss hadn’t yet given up on convincing him to move to Charleston and resume his duties in the Army full term.

“Oh, if she’d known beforehand that there would be gambling, she would be the one convincing me to move here,” Owen lightheartedly joked.

Both Harry and his wife had met Amelia only a couple of days before, but they seemed to be absolutely enchanted with the young neurosurgeon. So much so that Harry had even suggested Owen drove her to the US Army Medical Recruiting Co Headquarters, located in the southern part of the city.

“I take Amelia is into playing?” Harry asked approvingly.

Owen thought about the question for a second.

“She’s into winning, for sure,” he ultimately decided with an amused smile.

Harry looked from the man standing beside him to the beautiful brunette whose charisma and charming manners seemed to contaminate everyone around her as she celebrated winning a round.

“Well, to be fair, she seems to be very good at it,” the Lieutenant General commented with good humor.

For Owen, it was no surprise that Amelia was adding life to that party. For some reason, the vast majority of the people in that gala seemed to be over sixty. Amelia was young enough to be the daughter of any of Harry’s friends and that hadn’t gone unnoticed.

“I can’t believe my eyes. Owen Hunt.”

The surgeon looked over his shoulder at the sound of his name only to find out the surprised expression of Dr. Jefferson Baxter, one of the senior officers who had first trained him before his first mission with the US Army.

“Dr. Baxter,” Owen greeted him back with genuine satisfaction. He hadn’t seen the man in years and couldn’t help but feel like his night had just taken a turn for the better.

“I hear you’re replacing me in the medical corps training program,” the man grinned widely. He wasn’t saying it, but it was pretty clear on his face that he was proud of that prospect.

“I could never do such a thing, sir,” Owen replied humbly. “You could never be replaced.”

“Nonsense. I am getting old. I am forgetting things. And we need qualified people like you,” Dr. Baxter shook Owen’s hand, happy to see him. “How have you been? I heard you flew in a few times but I haven’t had the chance to see you yet. Harry, why didn’t you tell me he was coming today?” the doctor glanced at his old friend accusingly.

“Because you’re getting old,” Harry openly mocked the oldest physician. “And you’re forgetting things.”

“That’s very funny,” Dr. Baxter brushed him off with a reluctant smile. “So, Hunt, what brings you to town?” he asked, aware that the medical corps was not holding a program that time of year. “Don’t tell me you’re actually considering moving here?” he asked with wide eyes, satisfied with the idea.

“He is,” the Lieutenant General interrupted Owen before he could pronounce his first word. “We just have to convince the brunette over there first,” Harry pointed to Amelia with a head tilt, unaware of the conversation Owen had had with his wife the night before. “There, next to Cameron,” he clarified, using the Sergeant Owen had been glaring at as a reference.

“Who’s that?” Dr. Baxter narrowed his eyes, studying the gorgeous woman in the elegant red dress with renewed curiosity - and indisputable admiration.

“That’s Amelia, my wife.”

“That’s your wife?” the oldest doctor touched the bridge of his nose as he laughed with incredulity. When he realized the other men were serious, he glanced at the group of women standing by. All the other wives were in their sixties or seventies, and they were notoriously distinctive for discussing only a handful of topics, which generally consisted of traveling spots, charity, plastic surgery and the latest gossip or scandal happening within the Army Post. Even though some of them were smart, elegant and quite charming, their predictability made them dull to most people who bothered enough to pay closer attention.

Meanwhile, Hunt’s unknown wife was laughing with gaiety at something said next to her, proudly flashing her chips to the dealer as she increased her bet looking like someone who knew what she was doing.  Her spontaneity and enthusiasm were quite captivating, but it was her smile that was dazzling enough to make people look twice in her direction. There wasn’t a single person in the room who hadn’t noticed her, Dr. Baxter could bet.

“My God,” he scoffed at Owen with a mix of envy, disbelief and faux despise, still wrapping his head around the idea that the unknown beauty really was Hunt’s wife. But it made sense, the doctor thought. Owen was much younger than the officers and he probably wasn’t that bad looking. Still, it didn’t mean Dr. Baxter couldn’t hate him a little after that discovery. “You are indecently lucky.”

The round of laughter that followed the doctor’s comment was enough to draw some attention. Almost as if she’d noticed she’d been the topic of the conversation, Amelia chose that exact moment to look in the direction of the group. When she did, her eyes met Owen’s and a captivating smile instantly brightened her face, casting that familiar spell on her husband that he’d grown so used to. The problem was that now, everyone else seemed to be experiencing those same effects.

Without Owen needing to say a word, Amelia collected her earnings at the roulette table and politely excused herself with the intention to go in her husband’s direction.

Before she could make it past the dealer, Owen noticed how Sergeant Cameron, the guy he knew from previous deployments, used his arm to stop Amelia from leaving at the same time he seemed to offer her something.

Owen was quite bothered by the fact the guy seemed to be insisting that Amelia accepted a drink, and he had just thought about intervening when something else caught his attention.

It wasn’t the way the man spoke to his wife or even his annoying insistence. It was the way his façade changed when his eyes ran past Amelia and met Owen’s, a strangely familiar smirk forming on his face.

Owen froze for a moment as a wave of memories suddenly assaulted him. In a matter of seconds, his heart rate nearly doubled as past and present mixed in a sickening rhythm.

Gurneys were being pushed when Owen opened his eyes in a pristine Army tent. The surgeon tried to focus on what he should do to help, but to his dismay he realized that this time around, he was the patient. His arms and legs just felt so heavy… Owen wanted to get up, but couldn’t. Doctors and nurses walked in fast paces all around him until one of them stopped just in time to notice something wasn’t quite right where they were.

“Sergeant Cameron, you can get up and go now. We need the bed.”

“But my head is killing me.”

Owen couldn’t remember the name or the face of the nurse that was tending to them, but he could very well remember the distrust in her voice as she dealt with the difficult guy.

“The doctor has seen and cleared you to go three hours ago, Sergeant,” the nurse added in a hurry while grabbing supplies from a closet. “We just had over twelve victims of that RPG Ambush brought in today and we really need our personnel focused on them.”

“You see what happened to Kelsey!” Cameron insisted.

“Kelsey was shot twice! He has his life hanging by a thread in surgery next door!” the nurse lost her patience.

“I distinctively remember him complaining about a stomachache this morning… the same thing I have… What if that’s making everything worse and you guys just failed to diagnose it?”

Owen drifted back and forth between conscience and sleep after that, but more flashes of memory came to his mind, putting together the piece of information he’d learned by simply being present that day.

An unpredictable enemy attack had just taken the lives of many of their people, but Cameron didn’t quite seem to grasp it. Earlier that day, he was the one supposed to be on the mission led by Owen, but by claiming the had stomach pain and needed medical assistance, the unwanted job had fallen into the lap of Staff Sergeant Kelsey, who was supposed to have the day off to rest.

Hours later, unbeknownst to Owen, Cameron’s insistence that something was indeed wrong with him to justify his absence would culminate with his blood being drawn, which didn’t seem to exactly calm him down, but rather made more nervous. Not five minutes later, the guy would insist that Kelsey’s was too, even though none of the doctors present actually believed both men shared a condition.

That day, one sample of blood would test positive for substance abuse. But it didn’t belong to the man everyone believed to be responsible for tracing the routes that day.

Owen, who had been lying on a hospital bed next to Cameron after being rescued from the RPG ambush had been injected with sedatives to help restrain him after the stressful hours he’d spent outside. And just as the doctor finished examining him and the drugs started to kick in, someone had come to draw Cameron’s blood and compare it to the man dying in surgery next door…

And the last thing Owen remembered before finally drifting fully to sleep was the devilish smile on Cameron’s face once they were done collecting his sample.

Once Owen opened his eyes again, he was standing right next to a knocked over roulette table, his fists tightly closed around a shirt collar. Two men were trying to restrain him as Owen tried to figure out how in the world he’d ended up there. But it was the sound of a sweet voice that seemed to finally break the spell he seemed to be under.

“Owen!”

The surgeon finally came to his senses when Amelia forcefully made her way through both guys who were holding him. In a fraction of a second, the trauma surgeon became aware that all conversation and laughter had abruptly ended the moment he had crossed half the floor and jumped on Sergeant Cameron’s throat without a warning.

“Owen, stop,” Amelia asked, her eyes wide with shock with the aggressiveness displayed by her husband. “Please calm down,” she made the effort to snap him out of whatever state of conscience his mind had drifted to as she gently held his wrist, forcing him to look at her and away from the man he’d been attacking. “Look at me”

“I… I…” Owen stuttered as he looked around and noticed a hundred pairs of judgmental eyes on him. Among them was Lieutenant General Harry, who also seemed to wait for a reasonable explanation as to why his Major had been part of a conversation in one second only to be randomly attacking another man in the next. “He was offering you a drink and you said no. He should’ve stopped there,” Owen lied partially as he raised his eyes to meet hers. “I thought he was endangering your sobriety,” he muffled and his excuse seemed ridiculous even to him.

It was true that Cameron had indeed been eyeing his wife with glances that suggested a lot more than innocent admiration. And it was also true that he had indeed offered Amelia a drink twice. But not once had the man crossed any line. When Amelia realized what his intentions were, she had politely excused herself and was already halfway through her husband when he’d strode past her, grabbed Cameron by the neck and started grunting things she couldn’t quite understand. Owen’s reaction, which had been totally out of proportion, had understandably shocked everyone present.

“Come with me, Hunt,” the Lieutenant General used a tone of invitation but Owen knew he had no choice in the matter. Almost immediately, Harry gazed at the band, which resumed playing at once. In a matter of seconds, people were already returning their attention to their previous conversations, only to speculate in private about had just happened.

Owen was grateful for the General’s intervention, but he wasn’t naïve enough to assume that things would be left there. After asking Dr. Baxter if he could drive Amelia and his wife home, his former boss took his own car, letting Owen know about their destination only when they made it there.

.

“So,” the Lieutenant General started just as they were in the privacy of the man’s precinct back at the Army Base. “I think it’s time you tell me what that was all about.”

Owen noticed his former boss’s tone. Harry had spoken politely but firmly as he gave a direct command that didn’t come off aggressively, but rather suggestive. Owen knew how well that worked because it was a tactic he used quite often. And he’d just been reminded of how persuasive it could be.

“I am not sure, sir,” he sustained the Lieutenant General’s gaze to then drop his eyes and lower his head in a sign of embarrassment. “I have no idea what’s gotten to me and I lost control completely. I am sorry. It won’t happen again,” Owen added very emphatically, hoping that if he input enough tenacity in his tone, he might come to believe what he was saying.

“Won’t it?” LTG Harry firmly stared at him, doubting what he was saying. “Because from the looks of it, it seems like it was not the first time that happened.”

“Sorry, sir?” Owen questioned him, confused.

The senior man paused and exhaled slowly. He wasn’t enjoying that conversation, but it was necessary to have it because he cared a lot about the younger Major sitting across from him.

“I saw the look on your wife’s face, Hunt. She was petrified. And distressed and visibly worried… But it came to my attention that she didn’t seem exactly surprised,” LTG Harry said with conviction. “I mean… most wives, mine included, would be absolutely mad at me if I did something similar to what you did. They would question absolutely everything. But Amelia didn’t seem angry or confused… she looked concerned, and dare say, even a little discouraged. As if this isn’t the first time something like this happens. Which is why I have the feeling you haven’t quite been acting like yourself lately,” the man nailed it. “What’s going on?”

Owen took a deep breath, trying to come to terms with that reality. He dreaded talking about what he was feeling and what had made him lose control because he couldn’t quite grasp it himself. But not only he knew he couldn’t hide the truth from the man he admired so much, the surgeon was also aware that the best way to find out and process what he was feeling was talking about it.

So Owen took it from the start. He reluctantly told the Lieutenant General about how the discovery that Sergeant Kelsey’s tox screen had come back positive had messed with his head because he was the officer in command on the day of the accident. Owen also came clean about his sleepless nights, how perturbed he often felt, and how obsessed he’d become in order to find out what had really happened. And ultimately, Owen confessed how he’d come to have his latest episode, when after seeing the smirk on Sergeant Cameron’s face, he’d been taken back to the day of the accident, finally putting together the pieces of the puzzle.

“So that’s why you kept screaming it was your blood when you went on Cameron’s throat?” Harry inquired very seriously, thinking about what had sounded like a gruesome comment at the time. He absolutely believed every word Owen had just said, but what they were talking about was far too important to be dismissed as a mere detail. “You think Cameron insisted to have Kelsey tested just so he could pin the blame on him for the accident?”

“Yes,” Owen confirmed with a head nod. “Kelsey is the one who went on the patrol with us, but he wasn’t supposed to be there. It was Cameron who was assigned for the job. He was the one who traced the routes, Kelsey was just replacing him that day. And when we got ambushed and everything went downhill, he knew he would be questioned, he knew there would be an investigation to check why he didn’t do his job properly. So he orchestrated it for Kelsey to take the blame instead. Everyone just assumed Kelsey had been onto something that day and screwed up. It was the perfect cover up,” Owen sighed heavily.

The Lieutenant seemed to think about it for a moment. Never in his many decades as an officer his instincts had been wrong about one of his men. He’d always been bothered with the explanation for the RPG ambush because he’d always taken Kelsey as an honorable, loyal soldier, whereas Cameron had never been one to trust. The version Owen was sharing made absolutely more sense to explain the entire ordeal.

“I believe you, Hunt,” he said with conviction. “But we can’t prove anything you’re saying. I am afraid we can’t clean Kelsey’s reputation at this point. I am sorry, but it’s not going to make much of a difference.”

“It’s going to make all the difference in the world,” Owen refuted him. “No one else might know about this, but I will,” the trauma surgeon felt an overwhelming mix of emotions standing out, particularly guilt. “I will know and that’s going to make the difference for me.”

Other people might not become aware that the Sergeant Owen trusted and admired had carried out with honor and integrity until the very end, but now Owen knew. And while not being able to clean Kelsey’s name, he could at least make his peace with the situation.

“You’re right,” LTG Harry agreed. “You’re a good man, Owen,” the officer said, looking straight into the eyes of his Major.

Owen took a while to process his words and swallowed hard.

“Am I?” he shrugged, still feeling a little defeated. “There is nothing much I can do. And I lost control today. I almost beat the shit out of that asshole,” he said without a filter. “I am sorry, sir, I didn’t mean to use foul language.”

“That son of a bitch deserved much worse,” LTG Harry followed suit with loyalty. “And while we can’t prove what he did or punish him for it, we can still make his life a little more miserable than it already is,” the general said with conviction. “I will personally make sure that he knows I found out what really happened.”

Owen saw the pride and determination stamped on the man’s eyes. He was right. They couldn’t prove anything, but a man in Harry’s position could easily make Sergeant Cameron’s life a living hell should he wish to.

“You have to take care of yourself, Owen,” LTG Harry stated. “You have to get help. I am not saying this as your friend only, I am saying this as your General,” the man informed him, knowing it would be more effective if Owen took his advice to go get help as an order rather than advice.

“Yes, sir,” Owen couldn’t refute him. “I am sorry for ruining your night. I know this is not what you had in mind when you invited me here.”

“Oh, nonsense,” the older man smiled politely. “At least you gave them something to talk about. The wives were still resorting to gossip from three months ago. Now at least they’ll have something else to discuss for the next few weeks, at least.”

Owen let out a shy chuckle and followed the man outside so they could drive home. He still felt like awful and powerless in face of the situation but at least now with his discovery, it at least felt like some huge weight had been lifted off his chest. And he could finally move on.

.

When Owen finally made it upstairs, his hand hesitated on the doorknob for a few seconds. He was unsure of what he was going to walk into when he found himself alone with his wife after the scene he’d pulled off that evening.

The only thing he was certain of was that he was probably going to be in for a lecture. After all, he’d promised Amelia that he would seek help and start treatment after her warnings that things would just keep spiraling down if he didn’t. Her fair assumption had turned out to be true considering Owen might have seriously injured a man after losing control of his actions. And if the surgeon were to be completely honest, he wasn’t at all in the mood to admit that she was right, even though that evening had just proved it.

But when Owen finally made it to the guest room he and Amelia were sharing, he found it completely empty. The trauma surgeon wasn’t sure whether he felt relieved for not having to face the conversation he was trying to avoid just yet, or worried that Amelia wasn’t there to ask him what was going on. He supposed he felt a bit of both.

A quick search around led him to find out she was actually in the bedroom where the kids were sleeping, snuggled up to Thomas in the farther corner of the king size bed while one of the twins occupied the other half. Owen then scanned the room with his eyes and saw his three remaining children sleeping on the sofa beds opposite to the main bed.

Amelia had taken her pillow with her while leaving her side of their bed completely made. The message was pretty clear. She wasn’t going to sleep with him that night, nor had she waited up so the two of them could have a conversation or check on each other. There didn’t seem to have any space for him in that room where the six people Owen loved the most in the world were. The surgeon felt a sharp wave of sadness take over him as he realized that at that moment, he’d become an outsider in his own family.

Unbeknownst to Owen, his wife had heard the exact moment he had walked into the room and let out a breath of relief she didn’t know she’d been holding after the events of that day. Truth was, Amelia felt a bit cruel to remain in silence as she watched her husband retreat to their bedroom keeping his head down, but at that moment she felt powerless to do anything about it.

For instance, they were guests at someone else’s house and even though the conversation they needed to have was urgent, Amelia didn’t want to do it in a strange place, far from home. Especially because she didn’t know how Owen could react, considering his abrupt change of behavior earlier that day. It was too much of an intimate and touchy subject to bring it up there, knowing she would have to contain herself and possibly try to contain Owen if he lost control over his feelings again.

And then there was the fact that Amelia felt absolutely defeated already. She was worried sick about her husband but she didn’t quite know what else to do. It was obvious he had a problem and needed help, but she didn’t know how to get to him anymore. The neurosurgeon had really thought that her latest approach the night they’d had a fight and he promised he would return to therapy could really get Owen the help he needed. But he hadn’t yet gone to any appointments and Amelia wasn’t sure what else she could use to convince him that he really, truly wasn’t in a good place.

She spent most of the night lying awake thinking about what she should do. Back at home, Amelia had people she could talk to and share her concerns with but over there, in a distant city, she relied solely on her own thoughts and interpretation of the situation to plan her next step. And even though she was more worried than she’d ever been about Owen, she had to put the wellbeing of the kids first. Amelia was willing to sacrifice herself and confront Owen, and to even be his outlet if there was any residual anger he needed to let out. But she wasn’t comfortable with the idea of letting one of her kids take a toll in case things spiraled out of control, and if she was honest with herself, that effort was what drained all of her energy.

The following morning, Amelia purposefully kept busy with packing, getting the kids ready and saying goodbye to their hosts because it just felt incredibly weird to be around her husband and act naturally when they had the weight of last night’s event hanging over their heads. Owen noticed she was avoiding him, and he didn’t push it. He imagined that she was just too angry with him, understandably so, and therefore was punishing him with her silence and apparent indifference. Even though it was harsh, he couldn’t blame her for it. After all, Amelia had foreseen what happened, reached out to him and warned him, but Owen hadn’t listened.

He wanted to tell her that things would be different from now on. That they would be better. Owen had briefly filled her in on the discovery that had initially set him off, and now that he’d uncovered the truth, the trauma surgeon expected to be back to his old self in no time.

Once they were home, it didn’t take long for the kids to return to their old routine. Owen spent the rest of his day either giving attention to the kids or preparing their dinner, while Amelia immersed herself in an unpacking and laundry mission. Things had settled down a little and she had even directly spoken to him on two different occasions, but both times it had been about the kids.

He knew that later that night after the children were put to bed, it could be that she tried to avoid him again, but for the first time in a long time, it was Owen who was willing to make sure that conversation happened.

The surgeon patiently waited until everything was quiet around the house. It was almost eleven in the evening, and Amelia was still downstairs, even though the kids had been tucked in for over an hour.

Owen made sure to enter the kitchen very casually as he found his wife apparently focused on organizing the dinner tableware back inside the proper cabinets.

“Hey,” he didn’t make an effort to scare her as he usually would when they were on good terms. “Need some help with that?” he opened the fridge to get a bottle of water and then stood near the counter as he looked up to the top shelves, knowing Amelia couldn’t reach them.

“I’m good, thanks,” Amelia glanced quickly in his direction before her attention returned to the task at hand.

Owen took his time to breathe as he carefully assessed the situation and tried to think of the best way to initiate that conversation.

“I don’t know how to get into this, so I am just going to go ahead and say it,” he chose to be as direct as possible. “I know you’re very mad at me and you have every reason to-”

“I am not mad at you, Owen,” Amelia stopped stacking a pile of colorful plastic cups to correct his assumptions.

Even though the trauma surgeon seemed surprised by her affirmation – and apparent honesty – he kept going regardless of the interruption.

“Look, I know I screwed up, okay? I know I lost control completely and I put you through an embarrassing situation and-”

“I don’t care about the scene you made,” Amelia firmly stated, wishing she felt as tough and confident as she sounded. It was hard to think of any kind of approach that might work this time around, so she opted for sheer honesty once again. “I care about what triggered it in the first place,” she considerately confessed, unaware of how else to get to him.

Owen fell silent for a moment, processing her input and then continued.

“You’ve reached my point, exactly,” he moved around to keep looking at her, seeing as his wife had resumed arranging the cups on the shelves above her head. “I finally got to the bottom of it!” Owen added.

His comment added to the rather enthusiastic way he’d professed the words caught Amelia’s attention. She had no idea what had happened that night, much less what had unfolded afterwards when Owen’s General had taken him to one of the Army facilities, keeping him there for at least a couple of hours. They hadn’t yet talked about it and Amelia knew that perhaps something positive might have happened as a result of Owen’s latest episode. That cheered her up a little, but the way Owen seemed so uncharacteristically positive about the situation made her feel slightly alarmed. It was as if he was desperately trying to convince himself of what he was saying at the same time he spoke to her.

“I know I’ve put you through some hardships, Amelia,” he lowered his tone and the neurosurgeon could tell he looked legitimately guilty and upset about what he was saying. “I am not going to deny I could have handled this situation much more gracefully and gone to you a lot sooner. But even though you were right about me having worst episodes if I kept ignoring the signs, I finally figured out what was really happening,” he swallowed hard, desperately needing her to believe him. “Do you remember when I told you about Sergeant Kelsey?”

Amelia saw the expectation in his eyes. Even though she had a bad feeling about his apparent rush to move on from that situation, she gave him the benefit of the doubt and nodded positively with her head.

“Well, it turns out that I was right about him,” Owen shared. “I was right about his character. He didn’t screw up like I had been led to believe… I just…” the trauma surgeon tried to be straight with her about his thoughts and feelings. “Amelia, you have no idea how… relieved I felt to discover that,” Owen shared, feeling like a weight was being taken off his back just to admit it. “Not only because I felt responsible, I mean, of course there is some of that… But this guy,” there was suddenly a lump on his throat and Owen had to stop talking to pull himself together. “He was a man of integrity. And honor. And I am so glad that I don’t have to spend another day thinking that he wasn’t,” he finalized, being as honest as he could be.

“Owen, that is great,” Amelia reached out for his hand and gave it a reassuring squeeze, unaware that Owen had noticed a shadow of sadness still lurking behind her eyes. His wife seemed weary and he hated himself for being the one causing it. “I am so glad that you found out about this. I am,” she reinforced, trying to make sure that he accepted that as truth. “I know how this has been consuming you,” she stated matter-of-factly.

“Exactly,” Owen agreed very emphatically. “That is precisely my point,” he added, eager for her believe it. “Because now that I know that, I can finally make peace with this part of my past and move on from it,” Owen repeated in another attempt to convince her.

“Owen,” Amelia said firmly but tenderly as she looked straight into his eyes. They had reached the most important part of the conversation and for some reason, it felt as if whatever was going to come next would be dictated by his response to her observations. “I love it that you feel so positive about this, but if you really think that uncovering the truth is going to be enough to fix what’s happening, you’re just fooling yourself and setting us both in for a bigger disappointment.”

Amelia knew her words had been harsh, hence why she’d tried to phrase them in the least aggressive way possible. But it didn’t exactly surprise her when his expression went from eager and hopeful to confused and defensive.

It also didn’t go unnoticed the way Owen pulled his hand from hers right before asking:

“I don’t understand you. What exactly are you saying?” he furrowed his brows, the look on his face letting her know he didn’t really wish to hear the answer.

“I am saying that while it’s great that you found out about your friend, he is not the cause of your problem, Owen. It goes much deeper than that and you know it,” Amelia maintained her serenity as she laid out the truth.

“I was fine before I knew about any of this, Amelia,” Owen replied, hating that he was feeling accused and criticized for something he didn’t want to accept. “We never had a problem before I…”

“You have PTSD, Owen,” she interrupted him, being as forward and clear as she could because Amelia was tired of dancing around the subject. “You had it before you met me, you have it now and you always will,” the neurosurgeon sighed heavily, hating that they had to go there and she had to expose the wound. “You know better than I do that if you don’t watch out for your mental health, the anxiety, the mood swings, the aggressiveness… it’s just not going to stop,” she felt her eyes tearing up because admitting that was hard enough, and translating those feelings into words made that entire situation just way too real and that scared the hell out of her. “And what will take for you to realize that you’re not okay?”

Amelia swallowed hard, but it didn’t take her saying the words for Owen to make up his mind about what she was implying. He immediately thought about the time he’d confessed to her that he’d almost choked his ex-wife after his PTSD had been triggered by a ceiling fan and right now, even though it was absurd to think it, it felt very much like she was using that against him. They had neverused one of their vulnerabilities to hurt each other on purpose and at that moment, Owen couldn’t see that Amelia wasn’t against him, but rather on his side.

“I am terrified,” she confessed, taking a step closer to force her husband to keep looking at her. “I am terrified and I don’t understand why you aren’t,” she sniffed lightly, trying to remain in control of her feelings even though that became exponentially harder as Owen’s eyes grew more distant and angry.

“You’re being awfully unjust, Amelia,” Owen insisted. “I know I have a problem and I know I haven’t been in my best shape lately but I am not a threat, I am not a ticking bomb, I…”

“Except you are!” Amelia immediately regretted raising her voice, but it had escaped her control. “You can’t honestly believe that you have this thing under control and that you will get through it without talking to anyone about it, without seeking professional help, without…”

Amelia’s voice faltered and Owen kept looking at her. She noticed he seemed very angry and was trying to control it, and that only made him more defensive and hostile by each passing second. Owen kept staring at her, almost as if daring her to finish her last sentence.

Amelia had been about to ask if he thought he could get through without ever hurting the people who loved him but she’d contained the words in the last moment, knowing that nothing would hit him harder than that. And at that moment, making Owen feel attacked was the last thing she wanted.

“I am pretty sure all of this would go away a lot faster if you just showed a little faith in me,” he turned his head towards her, irrationally taking out his anger on the one person who was desperately trying to help him.

“You see, that’s your problem, you are not seeing what’s right in front of your face,” Amelia lost her patience too. She had done her best to be reasonable and stay calm, but she was only human and that hard-fought combat with his stubbornness was adding to her frustration and worry. “You just want to move on and sweep it under the rug and to be quite frank, Owen, that strategy is getting quite old! How many times will you need to shout at people or to make a scene, or have things blow up in your face to make you realize that your method just doesn’t work?!”

Amelia hadn’t chosen her words on purpose, but for some reason, they seemed to add fuel to a fire that was already on the verge of being ignited.

And before she could even notice how much her line had gotten to him, things had already escalated.

Owen’s face turned bright red and his eyes sparkled with fury as he strode forward, combusting with a mix of anger, explosiveness, and that horrible sensation of betrayal.

“Having things blow up in my face is exactly how I ended up here if you don’t remember it!” he shouted, going in her direction, unaware of how intimidating he was at that moment. Owen was confused and angry and he simply couldn’t understand why his effort to be as honest as possible wasn’t enough. It always had been. If there was one person who had always made him feel understood and supported, it was Amelia. But for some reason, she didn’t seem to be on his side at that moment and it hurt more than anything else he could think of. “What else do you want me to do, Amelia?” he asked in a loud, aggressive tone. “What?”

Amelia froze on her feet, absolutely intimidated by his shadow engulfing her.

Her silence irritated him even further.

“ANSWER ME!”

It happened too fast, but Owen remembered the details so vividly that he could relive the scene over and over in his head.

As he’d raised a hand to run his fingers through his head, a gesture he did very often whenever he was frustrated, Amelia winced and took a step back only to have her spine achingly collide against the kitchen counter.

Owen noticed the frightened way with which she recoiled as her body jerked back in a clear sign of fear. Amelia had held her breath at those everlasting few seconds, but even though she seemed to already have recovered a little, it was far too late to disguise or pretend what her reaction had clearly proven. She’d thought he was going to attack her and the realization made Owen’s entire universe collapse, vanishing all anger and frustration at once and replacing it with horror and self-loathing as she looked back at him, apparently just as terrified and shocked by her own reaction.

“Amelia,” Owen took a step forward, moving very slowly until he was only inches away from her. But he didn’t dare to touch her just yet, considering how frightened she still seemed. “Sweetheart,” he swallowed hard, unsure if he would be able to live with the confirmation of that nightmare. Owen looked deeply into her eyes, trying not to pay attention to the fact she was shaking or that his heart seemed to have broken in a thousand pieces as he turned the nightmare into an actual question. “Did you think I was going to hurt you?”

Owen didn’t even need Amelia to look at him with her piercing gaze to figure out what her intentions were.

“Owen, do you mind?” she asked while pointing to the door with a head tilt.

The last thing the trauma surgeon noticed before leaving the room beside his wife was the sardonic look on Tom Koracick’s face. The guy seemed absolutely satisfied to realize that Owen was in trouble.

The trauma surgeon followed his wife in silence, allowing her to lead the way. Even though this was his ER, Amelia strode through the halls with the attitude of someone who was far too familiarized with its geography. She seemed too annoyed to even bother hiding her irritation. But it was only when they reached the privacy of an empty attendings lounge that she finally unleashed her wrath after closing the door after them.

“Are you freaking kidding me?” the neurosurgeon crossed her arms in front of her body, demanding an explanation.

Owen couldn’t say he hadn’t seen that reaction coming.

“What do you want me to say?” the trauma surgeon took a deep breath, avoiding eye contact. He already knew he’d screwed up, so he’d gladly pass the sermon if he could have a say in it.

Amelia rolled her eyes, wondering why on Earth she was surprised.

“How about sorry, for starters?”

“I am sorry,” Owen shrugged at the same time he put his hands inside his pockets.

“Not to me, to Tom!” Amelia retorted immediately, letting out a heavy sigh. “Jesus, Owen, why did you throw that ball at him?”

“I was trying to get it back on the court,” Owen flagrantly lied. “I didn’t throw it at him, I threw it to him.”

“You threw that ball like you were firing a cannon!”

“I didn’t mean to hit him on the face.”

The lack of regret was so obvious in his words that for a moment Amelia wished she had something to throw at him too.

“Well, you certainly weren’t aiming for his hand,” the neurosurgeon settled for complaining, still looking at her husband with fire in her eyes.

Owen knew it would likely make things worse, but he couldn’t hold back a grin at the memory of the tennis ball flying in Koracick’s direction. He knew it was wrong, but the image of the object hitting the guy’s arrogant face put a satisfied smile on Owen’s lips.

“And now you think this is funny,” Amelia quickly raised her hands in a sign of surrender and scoffed. “I don’t even know why I bother...” she gave up, walking past him with the intention of leaving the room.

“No, Amelia, wait,” Owen got a hold of her before she could exit and coaxed her back to where they were. “I know I screwed up, okay? But I honestly didn’t mean to hurt the guy. I would never have thrown the ball if I knew it would give him a black eye,” he said sincerely.

“Owen, you threw a tennis ball from the bleachers with the speed of someone who is serving with a tennis racket,” Amelia pointed out, thinking back to the scene. The way Owen had easily done it was at the same time scary and impressive. It wasn’t Owen’s skill that was on her mind though, but rather his explosive reaction when he hadn’t even been provoked.

Her husband hadn’t been able to clear his schedule to attend their son’s tennis tournament as a player like Thomas had originally asked him to, but the trauma surgeon had found a way to leave work earlier to at least watch his son in action. After getting there and grimly realizing that Tom Koracick had subbed in for him, Owen had gotten extremely quiet and serious. And on the first time a tennis ball had been thrown in their direction, instead of gently returning it to the court like the rest of the audience had been doing, Owen had fired it in Koracick’s direction.

“It was his time to serve,” Owen mumbled unapologetically.

“And you were trying to do it for him?” she asked, unable to believe her husband. After being met with nothing but silence, Amelia took a deep breath and tried to put things in perspective for him. “Look, I know you don’t like Tom and you expected to find Deluca there playing with Tommy, but Tom offered and unlike Deluca, he can actually play tennis. Tommy was happy about it, even though he would have preferred having you there.”

“If you think Koracick’s ballet dancing actually qualifies as playing tennis then you haven’t been watching a lot of games,” Owen couldn’t resist the temptation of making fun of the guy.

Amelia once again sighed and turned to the door.

“Okay, okay, I’m done, I promise,” Owen caught up with her one more time. “I will apologize, I swear,” he said with honesty. “And I will apologize to Tommy too. I didn’t mean for his first tournament to be such a fiasco,” the surgeon added, thinking about how his son had to stop playing after the hit, since his partner was medically disqualified.

“Owen,” Amelia took a deep breath, trying to see things with reason. “You know why Thomas wanted you to be there, right?”

Owen noticed that his wife’s tone was considerably less angry now that she looked at him not with disapproval, but with something that resembled disappointment. The realization made him feel worse than he’d felt all morning.

“Of course. It’s his first tennis tournament. He wanted to show us that he is doing well.”

Owen knew that while Lucas, their oldest son, was outstanding when it came to sports, especially when playing in teams, Thomas had never really found a sport that he liked playing or had any success at. So it only made sense that now that Tommy had found an activity he actually enjoyed and was good at, the kid wanted to share it with the rest of the family.

“He didn’t want to show it to us, Owen,” Amelia patiently explained. “He wanted to show it to you,” she added. After seeing her husband was looking at her, not only expecting but needing her to finish the explanation, she went on. “You know as well as I do that the boys as crazy as you are about sports. They just love it,” Amelia pointed out, thinking about how many times she’d witnessed Owen either playing or watching games with their kids.  It was a rare thing for a weekend to go by when she didn’t have to hear conversations about soccer, football, hockey or baseball. Even Megan seemed to be a lot more into it than Amelia had ever been. “And you love it too. But you can’t think it’s a coincidence that Thomas has chosen to pursue tennis.”

“Well, just because he likes watching team sports it doesn’t mean that...”

“I know,” Amelia interrupted him. “I know that it doesn’t mean he enjoys playing them. But damn it, Owen, did you really think that Thomas choosing the one sport you play and his brothers don’t was a coincidence?”

Owen was quiet for a moment, processing the truth contained in her words.

“Thomas isn’t excited about tennis because he particularly loves the sport. Of course he likes it, but what makes it that much fun for him is that for once, it gets to be about you and him,” Amelia explained. “It’s about him sharing something special with you.”

Owen thought back about the nine year old playing with the rotating stool in the other room. Because of his own impulsivity, he’d ruined his son’s Saturday.

When the surgeon had first gotten to the tennis club, he was already upset because he’d really wished he could have been there for Thomas. But after unexpectedly seeing Koracick taking his place, Owen didn’t know what had gotten into him. He tried to think back to it now, but all he could remember was blinding anger mixed with guilt and jealousy. Ultimately, such feelings had driven him to throw a ball that he could and should have simply passed. Even though it had been pleasing enough to see Koracick taking a hit, deep down Owen was embarrassed about his actions because in as much as he hated to consider it, it appeared that his reaction had gotten out of his control. It was easier to keep pretending he’d meant to throw that ball all along, when the truth was that Owen didn’t even remember thinking about it before acting. The surgeon resisted exploring what could have caused such a reaction. It was alarming to even consider it, but Owen kind of suspected that he’d lost control over his own emotions, and the notion itself was absolutely scary to fathom.

“I am an asshole,” he closed his eyes and breathed out slowly, trying to come to terms with that. “I ruined it for Tommy.”

“He is fine,” Amelia quickly tried to do damage control. She hadn’t meant for Owen to feel guilty about not being there to play with Thomas, but rather to point out that at the end of the day, Thomas wasn’t interested in winning the tournament. All the nine year old wanted was to share something with his dad, which could still be done. So as far as Thomas was concerned, Owen hadn’t really done any damage. “He is not upset with you, Owen, he actually seemed pretty pleased to have eaten those two popsicles you bought for him while Tom was getting a CT.”

“They only had those awful fruity flavors and I wasn’t sure which one he’d like more, so I got two,” Owen explained, wrongfully assuming his wife had censored him about giving their son too many sweets. “And yeah, I get it that he will survive, but it was his first tennis tournament and the only memory he will have of it is that his dad is a dick who not only failed to attend it with him, but also ruined his chances of actually doing well,” Owen’s voice was loaded with self-loathing. Now that the dust had settled and he could look at the situation more objectively, he felt even worse to have done what he did.

Amelia refrained from pointing out that her husband’s reaction had been, if anything, undoubtedly disproportional. She knew Owen already had a problem with Koracick only for Tom’s mere existence, so it was expected that the sight of the guy taking his place beside his son would hit a nerve. But Amelia expected the usual grumpiness, the annoying lasting silences and Owen’s recurring and absolutely irritating refusal to talk about things as a reaction. Instead, she’d witnessed an explosive behavior that wasn’t at all the way husband normally acted in such circumstances.

The neurosurgeon very much intended to talk about Owen’s striking impulsivity, but only when they got home since now was probably not the best time. Owen had misinterpreted the points she’d made about Thomas and Amelia knew that insisting on the subject would most likely make his guilt trip even worse. It was better to let him cool his head and bring up the conversation later that day.

“Like I said, it wasn’t the medal he was after, so he will live,” Amelia sighed. “You are the kindest person I know, but sometimes you just make me want to punch some sense into your head,” she touched his face with one hand while closing a fist with the other on a teasing manner.

Owen noticed by her playful tone that his wife wasn’t so mad at him anymore and that improved his mood a little. At least her disappointment hadn’t lasted very long. Not that he was surprised, since Amelia was very forgiving. He could only hope that his disappointment at himself would subside just as easily.

“I am gonna go check the paperwork to release Tom,” Amelia explained after slightly rubbing his shoulder, a nonverbal display that she’d already put the episode behind them. “When we’re done, you’re paying for his cab home,” she informed him. “It’s the least you can do to make it up to him.”

“Of course,” Owen agreed, too caught up in his own emotions to care about that.

“And go apologize. I mean it, Owen.”

“I will,” he said with conviction. The trauma surgeon only needed a couple of minutes to get his head in order. But he had every intention of keeping his word.

“I will meet you at the front desk in five,” Amelia informed him as she grabbed the door handle, ready to leave.

“Deal,” Owen replied while distractedly setting up the coffee maker, absolutely caught up in his own thoughts.

.

Koracick finally lowered the ice bag from his face. He hated to admit it, but the pain on his cheekbone was throbbing like a bitch.

“Hey kid, I am sorry we had to cut things short at the tournament,” he said in an unusual attempt to cheer up someone else. “We definitely would have won if we could have continued.”

“Probably not,” Thomas replied with good humor, even though he was thankful for Tom’s support. His mom’s friend had stepped in and offered to help him earlier that same morning, just as he’d been about to leave for the tennis match. “I probably would have gotten owned by Timmy Russell. Coach said he is ten, so he gets to play in our category but the guy is bigger than Bailey” Thomas laughed.

“Bailey? The chief of surgery?”

“Bailey is my cousin,” Tommy explained. “He is thirteen.”

“Right,” Koracick studied the boy, who now looked absolutely distracted while blowing air into a procedure glove to make a balloon. Even though Thomas was young, he didn’t seem to be affected by the ER atmosphere. Tom knew that it was very possible that the boy was used to the place considering his dad ran it, but there was just something about his unaffectedness at being there that felt surprisingly natural.  “Do you like the hospital, Tommy?” he asked with a rare spark in his eye.

“I guess,” Thomas shrugged distractedly, his focus on the balloon he was making with the glove rather than on the actual question.

“You are aware that you were named after me, right?” the surgeon fired, finally succeeding in getting Tommy’s attention. The boy now looked at him with a confused expression on his face.

“My dad said that I was named after Thomas Edison,” Thomas made a funny face and then cracked up laughing. “My mom always said it was because of Tommy Hilfiger, though,” he added, noticing the horrified expression on his mom’s mentor’s face. But then the boy’s crystal blue eyes sparkled with mirth when he admitted, “I am just kidding! I knew it was because of you.”

“Good,” Koracik smiled, contaminated by the kid’s good humor. It hadn’t taken him ten minutes with the boy to realize what a gem he had. When the time came, Tommy could be shaped into an absolutely precious stone, and it was Koracick’s job to make sure his potential didn’t go to waste. “So we’re settled, then. We’ll be doing great things together when you’re in Hopkins, you and I,” Koracick joked, pointing to the two of them. “You have a bright future ahead of you, boy.”

Thomas tilted his head in the exact same manner his father would when he was intrigued and affirmed with a mix of good humor and suspicion.

“My mom said that I shouldn’t listen to you when you start talking about careers and that I should remind you that I am nine,” he said gracefully.

“Your mother is ungrateful and she wasted her potential,” Koracick said with a smile.

“She also said you’d say that,” Tom smiled, delighted that her mother’s predictions had come true.

“Yeah?” Koracick challenged him, approving of that conversation. Deep down, he was prouder of Amelia than he’d care to admit. “What else did she say I’d say?”

“She said that I should tell you that you that her sphen... sphenal…” Thomas hesitated, frowning hard as he tried to remember what his mother had told him.  

“Sphenoid,” Tom helped him.

“Yeah, that her sphenoid sinus approach can beat yours any day of the week and that if you want, she can teach you how to properly operate on a...” Thomas couldn’t resist smiling when he noticed Tom’s insulted expression. “I can’t remember the exact word.”

Tom knew that Amelia’s surgical method, published years before, had been revolutionary. He also knew she liked to rub it on his face any chance she could.

“Dr. Koracick,” the boy started out, unsure of how to ask what he wanted to know. “I know you’re a very busy surgeon. My mom told me so,” Thomas rushed to add, as if the guy should believe it because Amelia’s word had the utmost value. “So I know you probably had better things to do than spending your Saturday playing tennis with me,” Thomas said humbly. Even though he was grateful that Tom had offered, he wasn’t sure why he’d done it. Unable to resist his curiosity much longer, Thomas heard himself asking. “Why did you offer to be my partner?”

Koracick looked at the kid standing in front of him. The challenging nature of his inquiring mind added to the intelligence he displayed at such young age were turning out to be even better than Koracick had predicted, but it was something in the way Thomas asked the question that really made him consider answering it. Had it been anyone else, Tom would most likely have joked and said it was because he found the boy’s case pity-worthy, or he could have even claimed he wanted to spend more time getting to know the kid he one day intended to groom to become the new him.

But instead, it was the intensity of the boy stare when he asked the question, a subtlety that not many would notice, that made Tom realize the nine year old had picked up on something – even if subconsciously. It was the kind of people’s skill that not many had, and that if properly developed, could one day help Thomas become quite an amazing diagnostician.

“You remind me of someone.”

Thomas tried to keep a neutral expression at the words he wasn’t quite expecting. Despite the effort, the surprise became clear on his façade, but he didn’t shy away.

“Not my mom?” the nine-year-old guessed correctly.

“Not your mom,” Tom confirmed, tucking his lips in a rueful smile. After a few seconds of hesitation, he finally revealed. “His name was David.”

Thomas had no idea how to respond to that because he correctly assumed what it was all about. He couldn’t imagine what to say in the face of something so sad.

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be,” Tom said with a positive connotation in his voice. “He was also a fan of tennis. We used to play it together when I was home on weekends,” the neurosurgeon shared, thinking back about those rare moments. He wished he hadn’t taken them for granted. “But his favorite sport was baseball.”

“I like baseball too,” Thomas said with a smile, suddenly feeling a fit of sympathy for the guy who always annoyed everyone around them, especially his dad. Now it made more sense that a famous surgeon like Koracick would volunteer to spend time in the company of an ordinary kid like him. “Do your friends know about him?”

Tom supposed Thomas was probably asking if his mom knew about his deceased son. He knew Amelia had lost a boy too, but unlike her, he’d never had the guts to share it.

“I don’t talk about him,” he said evasively, not really answering the question.

Thomas was about to ask further questions when they heard a knock on the door and in a fraction of seconds, Owen entered the room, ready to finally call it a day. Tom Koracick could barely believe it when the guy mumbled something that resembled an apology and then insisted on paying his cab back to the hotel.  

“Thanks for looking after Tommy and offering to be his partner today,” Amelia later turned to Koracick when they exited the hospital. She held her son’s shoulder with one hand and smiled at him before looking back at her former boss. “I really couldn’t thank you enough.”

“Don’t be so sentimental about it,” Tom teased her. “It turns out that Little Thomas and I have a lot more common than you’d think,” Koracick said mysteriously, discreetly winking at the boy.

“What does that mean?” Amelia asked with good humor, watching as Thomas laughed. The boy’s easy smile was a total contrast to Owen’s pursed lips as he stood behind them watching the scene with both hands inside his pockets.

Koracick had to admit that getting the guy angry enough that he’d throw a ball in his direction had given a wicked sense of satisfaction, despite the hard blow he’d taken. Seeing that he was still angry now made him even happier. But it wasn’t until Thomas waved goodbye surrounded by both his parents and then turned once again to smile at him with something that felt like genuine camaraderie that Koracick realized that unusual Saturday had definitely been worth it.

.

Amelia sighed with frustration.

She had kind of been hoping for some alone time with Owen that evening, not only because they still needed to talk about his impulsiveness earlier that day, but also because she couldn’t remember the last time they’d enjoyed each other’s company in bed. With her increased workload and the recent disagreements she and her husband had, there simply hadn’t been many opportunities to be together. But right now, her plans were being delayed by the presence of two happy little monkeys who seemed to have the time of their lives jumping on her bed.

“Guys, don’t jump, you’re going to hurt yourselves,” she said with a serious voice, hearing moans of protest in return. “But you can play rolling barrel on dad’s side of the bed,” she instructed Megan with a mischievous smile, thinking about how much Owen hated it when the covers were messy and the linens were coming out of the mattress.

Amelia heard the giggles as Danny immediately proceeded to wrap his sister in his father’s pillowcase and made her way to the bathroom to brush her teeth. Even though she knew her husband was done with his shower because she’d heard it when the water had stopped running minutes before, she didn’t expect to find him still with a white towel wrapped around his waist. But she supposed it had something to do with the pleased expression on his face as he studied his reflection on the mirror and ran his hands through his hair.

“In love with yourself much?” Amelia tilted her hip against the bathroom cabinet as she gave her husband a suspicious sideways glance.

Owen noticed her narrowed eyes and quickly stood up straight, putting an end to whatever was going on that now made him look almost embarrassed.

“No, of course not,” he scowled, offended.

“What were you doing, then?” Amelia continued to give him a hard time as she crossed her arms in front of her chest and questioningly held his gaze.

“It’s just...” Owen’s voice trailed off until it became a mumble. “It’s become so soft.”

“What has?” Amelia nagged him. “Other than you, I mean?” she laughed mercilessly.

“The hair,” he sheepishly admitted. After encountering her teasing expression, at once he lost his patience. “My hair, okay! Jesus!” Owen went back to his normal tone as he nodded his head, unable to believe how much of a pester she was. Of course she wouldn’t let him get away with it.

“You used my shampoo,” Amelia said matter-of-factly. Her voice mixed accusation and amusement, and it didn’t go unnoticed to Owen.

“Well, yeah, but...”

“Oh, so you always tell me I am crazy for buying a thirty dollar bottle shampoo, but when I’m not looking, you’re more than happy to try it?” she interrupted him, having more fun than she’d admit.

“It wasn’t like I had this planned... We ran out of the regular one!” Owen justified himself, blushing adorably.

Amelia struggled to hide her smile as she turned around and opened one of the doors in the cabinet, exposing at least half a dozen shampoo bottles amongst other bath products.

“You hid them,” he snorted. Owen had already been in the shower by the time he realized there was no regular shampoo. He hadn’t exactly made an effort to check the cabinet considering it’d be a lot easier to simply use Amelia’s that one time, but he didn’t expect her to notice it.

“You’re very cute when you’re lying,” she joked before proceeding to restock the shower with the items he hadn’t found.

Owen decided not to dignify her accusation with a response, but when she walked past him and squeezed his behind, he made a very quick move to grab her. Luckily for her, Amelia was fast enough to dodge him and make it back to the bedroom with contagious mirth.

The trauma surgeon had just finished getting dressed when he heard the wonderful sound of his wife’s laughter suddenly die down, alarming him. Immediately following her, Owen entered the room to find a small pool of blood staining the previously white sheets on his bed.

“What happened?” he looked around to see who’d gotten hurt.

Amelia noticed the shock on her husband’s face that seemed to quickly evolve into something more. Since she was dealing with the situation, the neurosurgeon didn’t have much time to process his reaction, considering a more urgent matter required her attention at the moment.

“Danny just lost his front baby tooth,” Amelia replied calmly. She was sitting on her bed with the six year old on her legs, wiping the blood from his face with his own pajama shirt. This was the first tooth that one of the twins lost, but the boy seemed to be dealing with it better than his father. “Could you get me a cotton ball? There are some in the drawer where I keep my makeup.”

“What happened?” Owen asked, nearly frozen.

Amelia frowned, alarmed by his reaction. Owen hadn’t gone to get what she’d required; neither had he stepped closer to take a look at Danny’s mouth. She didn’t understand why her husband seemed paralyzed in so much shock, and she had a bad feeling about it.

“Mom, is Danny going to need one of those things that Grandma has?” Megan asked, climbing on the bed to hand her mother the items she’d asked for. Amelia realized that the little girl had gone and gotten the cotton balls and now looked from her mom to her dad, probably because she was afraid something serious was going on. Owen looked tense, and Amelia noticed that he’d barely processed their daughter’s question. Instead, his eyes were focused on the bloodstain on the sheets.

“No, Megan, he won’t,” Amelia said with a reassuring smile, pressing the cotton to the small hole on Danny’s gum to help stop the bleeding. “A new tooth will grow and your brother will be just fine,” she explained. After seeing how relieved her daughter seemed, Amelia looked up to her husband to finally explain, “Megan and Danny were playing and she accidentally hit her head on his mouth. It knocked his bottom baby tooth, that one that’s been loose for a couple of days?” she ended her sentence with an interrogative tone hoping to get his attention.

“Well, it seems like you have it under control,” Owen finally looked in her direction and Amelia wondered if he noticed he took a step back as he focused his eyes on her and the kids. “You know what, I am going to check on Tommy and see if he is okay. I still haven’t talked to him after this morning and I think I should.”

“Yeah,” Amelia squinted. He was making up an excuse to leave the room and she knew it. She really wanted to ask him what the hell had just happened, but not in front of the kids.

It wasn’t until a couple of hours later that Amelia finally found her cue. At the same time she was anxious and couldn’t wait any longer to have that conversation, she was glad that she hadn’t asked Owen immediately because in the state he’d been in when he found the stain on their bed, he probably would have shut down completely.

Amelia had a hard time sparing her nails from bites because the conversation they were about to have was a really important one, but she was terrified of what could come out of it. For a few days now, an idea that had been lingering in her subconscious had emerged with full force and it was getting increasingly harder to ignore it.

Owen wasn’t quite himself lately and she had complained about that several times. He had picked fights with her for reasons he usually wouldn’t, he’d forgotten about things that were important to him and he seemed more distracted than ever.

Amelia thought back about the way he’d frozen when he’d seen the blood mark on their sheet. Of course no parent was comfortable seeing their own kid’s blood, but they had five active children who weren’t exactly angels. They’d dealt with cuts and bruises a lot worse than that one. Hell, Lucas alone had needed stitches twice and Owen had never looked that affected. She thought back about the time school had called because Lucas had jumped from the swings, which had resulted in a nasty head cut. All the while in the ER, Amelia had been the one freaking out while Owen had taken control of the situation and serenely calmed everyone down.

One of the reasons why Amelia allowed herself to freak out sometimes was because she knew that she could count on Owen to have her back when things got rough.

Unfortunately right now, his reliability was something she was starting to question and even though she hated to feel like that, Amelia knew she had to deal with the truth. She didn’t want to think about the possibility that was on her mind, but at the same time, she had to. Amelia knew that for her family’s sake, she would do whatever it took.

“I was thinking about something earlier today,” she started, watching as her husband distractedly ran the remote through the TV channels. While Owen had been with Thomas, Amelia had changed the bedsheets, but she’d chosen not to bring up his reaction just yet.

“Yeah?” he replied without really looking in her direction.

Amelia waited until Owen finally found a show he seemed interested in and then rested the remote control on the nightstand. Only when she felt like she could get his attention, she continued:

“I never really thought I could be a good mom,” Amelia carefully explained, looking at him even though Owen still had his eyes on the TV.

But after hearing her comment, the surgeon held her gaze with a confused and somewhat appalled look on his face.

“What are you talking about? You’re a great mom, and...”

“I know,” Amelia interrupted him with a kind smile. She reached for his hand and gently rubbed it with hers before looking back into his eyes. “What I mean is that I never really thought I would be, you know? Not for many years. But then I met you and you always had faith in me,” she paused, controlling herself not to get too emotional. That conversation wasn’t about her, but she needed to make her case to help him understand where she was coming from. “You always told me I would be a good mother, even years before we had Lucas. You believed in me when I didn’t and I just want you to know how much I appreciate that,” she added, unable to stop her emotions from stirring up in her chest.

Owen still seemed confused, but also deeply touched.

“Why are you telling me this now?” he asked, unaware that he’d tightened the grip on her hand. It had started out as hers reaching for his, but now it was Owen who was taking full possession and covering her small fingers with his. “Are you okay?”

“I am,” Amelia smiled again, happy that he was giving her the attention she’d been seeking. “I am saying all this because I hope you know that when I say what I want to say, it’s with the best interest at heart,” she took her free hand to her chest. “I hope you don’t think that I am attacking you or complaining, or anything, but rather just doing what a mom should do in order to protect her kids and her family.”

“Amelia, what...?” Owen frowned, totally lost.

He tried to find in her expression something that might help him figure out where she was coming from, but the surgeon remained clueless.

“Owen, you’re not okay,” Amelia stated, taking a deep breath before continuing. “And I don’t know how else to say it, so I am just going to say it,” she paused, hoping he wouldn’t take it the wrong way. “I think what happened to you in Charleston opened an old wound… and I think you don’t see how much that has affected you or how much your behavior has changed.”

Owen’s first impulse was to absolutely disregard her argument and accuse her of being ridiculous. But then he remembered the way she’d asked him not to get defensive so quickly because she wasn’t saying those things to attack him.

He also noticed the look of worry in his wife’s eyes and realized, not for the first time, how much she cared about him. She was really something out of this world and Owen often wondered if he truly deserved her.

“Owen, you’re so distracted lately, you’re angrier than you usually are and I don’t know...” Amelia looked down to the mattress and gently shook her head in denial, uncomfortable to say it, “for example, today you snapped at Tom and while I get it that you don’t like him, you totally blew things out of proportion,” she tried to explain her point of view. There were many other things she could point out, but her intention wasn’t to make him feel bad about himself. “You just don’t feel like yourself lately and I don’t want to be constantly asking you what’s going on when all you seem to do is give me evasive answers.”

“Amelia, that’s not fair,” Owen tried to control his reactions. Acting outraged would mean proving her point that he was indeed getting triggered more easily than usual. “I just told you the other day about what happened in Charleston and what I discovered about Sargent Kelsey.”

Amelia breathed in heavily, and pulled his hand to her lap while she sat facing him directly.

“You did, and that was great,” she agreed encouragingly. “But Owen, you never really told me how you felt about it,” she added matter-of-factly. “You gave me a full report on the events and considering it’s you, it’s already a huge thing,” she input a joking tone in her words, hoping for a lighter approach. “But you didn’t really say anything about how the discovery made you feel.”

A heavy silence followed.

“Well, I’ve dealt with it,” Owen finally answered with an offended expression.

“Did you?” Amelia asked with a gentle voice, forcing herself not to allow that conversation to turn into an argument. “So what did you feel?” she raised her eyebrows inquisitively while interrogating him. “Did you feel angry? Sad? Upset?” Amelia carefully pushed him a little more. “Guilty?”

“Why are you bringing this up now?” Owen pushed the covers away with the intention to get up and obviously escape that uncomfortable conversation.

Amelia hesitated, unsure whether or not she should reply to that question. She didn’t want to hurt his feelings but at the same time, he deserved the truth, and in order to protect the wellbeing of their family, it needed to be said.

“Because I think if you keep this much longer you’ll be at risk, and you’ll be putting us at risk!” Amelia replied in the angry tone she had promised herself she wouldn’t use. But she was only human and sometimes, in the heat of the moment, emotions got the best of her, especially when faced with her husband’s stubbornness. “Owen, please... I don’t want to fight.”

“Me neither, but it’s kinda hard not to when you’re telling me I should feel more,” he replied harshly.

“That’s not what I am telling you at all!”

“Then what are you telling me?” Owen stopped pacing and turned around, finally looking back at her after taking one steadying breath.

“I am saying that perhaps you should go back to counseling,” Amelia affirmed, watching as he turned away again, rejecting her offer with non-verbal communication. “If it’s so hard to talk to me about it, then you should talk to someone who can help you. Really help you. I know you hate it and I know you think you have this under control, but Owen, you have to trust me... It’s only going to get worse, “ Amelia stopped in her tracks. They both were grown adults who dealt with serious mental illnesses. She had her meetings, which she often resorted to when things got rough, but long ago Owen had quit therapy and stopped having a support system. She would never forgive herself if she simply closed her eyes and allowed him to go down that road without trying to intervene.

“I don’t hate it,” Owen lied, focusing on the one thing she’d said that he’d dared to refute.

“If you won’t do it for yourself,” Amelia resorted to bribery, desperately wanting him to take care of himself, “then please do it for me and the kids. Please,” she got out of the bed too and joined him, watching as Owen initially tried to back off but couldn’t after she held his hands between hers. Amelia stood in front of him at the foot of their bed and she seemed so distressed and so fragile that Owen knew his answer before she went on with that gentle persuasion. “Will you do it?”

He hated to find it so hard to say no to her, especially when she brilliantly worked up her case.

“I will,” he replied after what felt like forever. Only then Amelia raised her head to look at him and Owen noticed with sorrow the pools of tears that had formed in her eyes. “But you’ll do something for me too,” he asked, unaware that his hand had just made his way to her face and his thumb was now under her chin.

“Anything,” Amelia smiled, overwhelmed with a mix of relief for what had just happened and concern for what was yet to come.

“LTG Harry invited us to spend a few days at his vacation house in South Carolina,” Owen informed her. “You and me and the kids,” he hoped she would like the idea. “I thought he was just being polite but he extended the invitation once again and I would very much like to take you there and introduce you and the kids to him,” Owen said. “Do you think you could clear up your schedule for us to go? Maybe make it an extended weekend for four or five days or something?”

Amelia bit her bottom lip. Taking time off work as of right now seemed like an impossible concept. She had just started the new phase of her trial. Koracick already gave her a hard time for considering she didn’t commit enough to the research since she had to split her hours between her family and her job. When he heard she needed to take four days off to go on vacation with her family, he would flip out.

But then at the same time, Amelia realized that trip was a good opportunity to maybe have Owen go back and talk to some people who knew what he’d been through. People who perhaps could help him in ways she couldn’t. Maybe the situation could provide him with the perfect context to access some of his feelings over what had happened and he obviously hadn’t dealt with. Hopefully that would convince him that he should go to therapy because he actually believed he needed it, and not because she thought he should?

And if she had to pick between her work and her family, Amelia knew that there was no choice to be made.

“Of course,” she stood on the tip of her toes to hug Owen back when his arms surrounded her waist. “I will talk to Bailey on Monday and you figure out the dates. I’d love to meet the people who’ve worked with you in the Army.”

Wrapped in Owen’s strong arms, the neurosurgeon missed the smile of satisfaction on her husband’s lips when she said the words. But at that moment, as she clung to his shoulders as if her life depended on it, Amelia felt closer to him than she’d felt for weeks now.

“You should be preparing for phase two, of course,” Tom replied as if Amelia should already be aware of that. “You got the grant, so why are you holding a dishcloth instead of a dissector? I am feeling personally attacked.”

Amelia shook her head and blinked repeatedly in an attempt to catch up with what was happening.

“How in the world did you manage to show up here? I only heard about the grant being given to me a few hours ago,” she asked thinking back about the afternoon. Tom Koracick couldn’t possibly have had the time to hear about her success, buy a plane ticket and hop on a flight from Baltimore to Seattle in that short amount of time, which could only mean he was either already on his way by the time the results were announced or he’d found out about it before her.

“Oh, please, do you seriously think I have to wait for the official word to know these things?” Tom stared at her in disbelief before he focused again on what was taking place inside the house at the moment. His whole façade transformed when he asked with a mix of exaggerated suspicion and spontaneous amusement, “what is this smell?”

“It’s dinner.”

“You cooked dinner?” Tom’s face brightened up as Amelia identified the teasing in his voice.

“Why are you saying that like it’s so hard to believe it?” Amelia furrowed her brows, not finding it one bit strange when Tom followed her into the kitchen without the slightest inclination to assume he might be interrupting something.

“Oh, wow, just look at that,” Koracick stopped on his tracks from a safe distance just as they made it past the living room and saw all of Amelia’s children for the first time. The little brats were gathered around as they ate their dinner by the table.

Even though the neurosurgeon was well aware that his most talented student didn’t have her career as the primary focus of her life, up until now he hadn’t yet fully witnessed just how domestic that part of Amelia’s daily routine really was.

“Guys, this is Tom Koracick, mom’s friend and former professor,” she smiled wickedly as she emphasized the word former. “Tom, do you want to join us for dinner?”

Koracick scowled with disagreeableness.

“I am flattered but no, thank you,” the look on his face pretty much confirmed the last thing he wanted was to sit with five kids as company for dinner. “I have plans for later,” Tom added mysteriously.

“I wonder who the lucky woman is,” Amelia said ironically, wondering if the guy would ever change.

“Mom, do we still have some of that orange cranberry scones grandma brought over this week?” Lucas interrupted their conversation, looking at the stranger and then to his mother with curiosity and attention. “Can I have some as dessert?”

Before Amelia could reply, Koracick’s face transformed and his eyes got wider with shock.

“Is that… Is that Pumpkinhead?” Tom laughed with exasperation, unable to believe it. “Oh my God, what have you been feeding this kid?” he asked Amelia, baffled with how grown the boy looked.

Years before, as he’d operated on Amelia to remove a meningioma from her brain while she was pregnant with Tommy, he’d briefly met her oldest son. Koracick remembered how the boy – back then a baby no older than nine or ten months old – had confused him for his father on a couple of occasions. Or so Tom had claimed.

“You know what, I’ve never realized what a gold mine you have here,” Tom seemed to be thinking out loud as he narrowed his eyes while looking at the children. “This is exactly what I needed.”

“Stop right there,” Amelia grimaced, determined to make him stop before Tom could even begin. “Don’t even…”

“An heir,” Koracick ignored her as he looked from Thomas to the rest of the children, “and a spare,” he finalized, looking at the mother as if he’d just had an epiphany. The expression on his face resembled the one of someone who’d just found the solution to all of his problems. “You know, just in case Little Thomas turns out to be an ungrateful deserter like you.”

Amelia playfully rolled her eyes and got ready for another monologue. She knew how her mentor felt. Koracick didn’t hide the fact he had seen the potential in her very early in her career and once Amelia had become his resident, Tom had trained her to be the new him. Despite his resistance to acknowledge that Amelia had become just as good and could even overcome his achievements someday in the future, the one thing that Tom had never really gotten over was the fact that she had chosen to leave Baltimore by the time she was done with her residency. He considered it a personal offense that she had deliberately chosen not to follow his footsteps, considering that now Amelia balanced her time between her career and her personal life. She knew that deep down, Tom didn’t really condemn her choice, but he was always nagging her about it.

“I guess I could take Pumpkinhead,” Tom said begrudgingly while inspecting the boy. Even though he was still young, the disheveled blonde hair and scraped elbows added to the way he seemed more focused on the food than on the conversation while all his siblings studied the surgeon with interest made Tom second-guess him as a choice. “Hey kid, what do you like to do when you’re not in school?”

Lucas took a while longer than usual to realize he was being spoken to. With an uninterested shrug, he replied calmly as he reached for another scone.

“Play soccer, watch the Seahawks… I don’t know.”

“Ok, let’s skip the jock. They’re almost always too dumb, anyway,” he decided, speaking out loud to console himself, totally ignoring Lucas’ offended frown.

“Tom!” Amelia censored him.

“What?” he acted innocently. “I am not saying he is a lost cause… He probably is, but you didn’t hear it from me,” he added, ignoring Amelia’s scandalized expression. “I am just saying that it wouldn’t be a smart bet. Besides, he is too big and probably hasn’t got the skills for it,” Koracick went on. “The good news for him is that no matter how far things get, the world still needs the butchers. His dad can give him a few tips, I am sure.”

“TOM!”

She was about to tell him to quit his games and simply explain what he was doing there when she noticed his eyes traveled a little to the right, falling on the excited duo that had already emptied their plates and studied the stranger in the kitchen with curious eyes.

“Hell, no,” Tom rejected the idea the moment his eyes found the twins. Their resemblance to their father would be amusing if it wasn’t so annoying, he thought. Koracick’s look lingered on the six-year-olds for a while longer, and he still looked appalled when he asked Amelia without taking his eyes off Danny and Robbie.

“Oh my God, they look exactly like Oliver.”

“It’s Owen.”

“Poor things…,” Koracick narrowed his eyes to inspect the twins better, completely unaffected by Amelia’s appalled expression. “To be so young and already have the burden,” his voice was carried with sympathy.

“Are you feeling sorry for them?” Amelia couldn’t believe him.

“I surely didn’t mean it as a compliment,” Tom rolled his eyes before finally looking back at her. “You know when retail stores have that buy one, get one free sale after the holidays?” he sneered at Amelia, obviously too pleased with himself. “What they always fail to tell you is that they usually push you the defective products.”

“Did you just call my sons defective?” Amelia looked baffled.

“Just see for yourself,” Koracick added with a sardonic grin as if the twins’ resemblance to their father proved his point.

“You’re a horrible person,” she informed him, still looking stunned.

“So I keep hearing,” Koracick replied unaffectedly as he continued with his search. His eyes finally fell on Megan, the only child left, and after a thorough inspection in which the girl finally made eye contact with him, he decided with a triumphant voice. “She looks okay enough. The little one will do.”

“Okay, stop going all Despicable Me on my children and just tell me what brings you here already, Tom…”

“What do you say, kid? Do you want to be the new me?” Koracick ignored Amelia and looked at Megan with a proud smile, acting as if he was making her an offer no one could refuse.

He expected the three year old to ignore him, or even look at his mother for aid. Instead, she held his gaze and slightly tilted her head to the left before asking.

“Do you know what a vet set is?”

The unexpected question caught Tom completely off guard.

“I have no idea,” he furrowed his eyebrows, sustaining the little girl’s inquisitive stare.

“I want one,” Megan leaned back on her chair at the same time she laid out her terms.

Koracick took a while longer than usual to understand that he was being played in his own game.

“Is she…” his voice faltered as he let out a chuckle of indignation and admiration. “Is she bargaining with me?” he looked at Amelia with renewed determination in his eyes. After seeing how unaffected Amelia was at the little girl’s display of resourceful tactics, Tom figured it must have been a recurrent behavior. “Forget about the others, I’ve found the one!” he decided with a pleased expression.

“Don’t be silly,” Amelia picked up some of the used plates and took them to the sink. “You sound really creepy right now.”

“Don’t blame me. I’ve only seen that kind of slyness once, and she turned out to be the best one I’ve ever created,” Tom sounded aggrieved. Amelia was flattered because she knew her former professor was talking about her, but it was typical Tom to attribute all the credit of her success to himself. “Don’t ruin it for me again.”

“Stop making everything about you,” Amelia playfully shut him at the same time she opened up the dishwasher and started to stock it.

“I need someone worthy of my talent to leave my legacy to. You are too ungrateful to deserve it.”

“You’re getting too old,” Amelia teased him with a pestering grin.

“I am just getting started,” Tom looked at the children defiantly and then back to her, making Amelia turn her head to hide her smile.

“So now that we’ve established you’re trying to steal two of my kids to robotize them, can we get to the bottom of why you’re really here?” she asked in a low voice, trying not to draw attention from the children.

“We gotta get phase two on the move,” Tom’s previous devilish voice was replaced by a more serious one. “I knew that if I had to wait for you to make some time in your schedule to meet me, I’d be waiting for weeks. So I decided to bring everything I have with me and work up a plan with you over the weekend. At least this way the study will keep moving forward.”

“Don’t be such an ass, you know how hard I’ve worked on this thing for the past weeks,” Amelia reminded him. Her mentor knew about her schedule before they’d agreed to embark on the new project.  She didn’t have nearly as much free time to dedicate to work as he did. And she wasn’t about to apologize for it. “I can’t keep up the pace we were going with and you know that. I need more time.”

Tom rolled his eyes but he didn’t say anything and by that, Amelia knew he wasn’t going to insist. Even though Tom made jokes and gave her a hard time, he’d never really asked her to put a work project ahead of everything else in her life, at least not in the long run.

“Guys, if you’re all done, you can all go upstairs and brush your teeth. Luke, help your sister,” Amelia informed the cheerful group, watching as they put their plates and forks inside the sink in an orderly manner. “You can watch TV in my bed, I will be up to join you guys soon.”

Tom seemed to intentionally wait until the kids were gone to finally ask:

“So, where is Oliver?” in his tone, it was clear he was making fun of Owen. “He didn’t come home for dinner?” the neurosurgeon provoked with a wicked smile.

“He has a late shift,” Amelia answered evasively, trying to look as neutral as possible.

But Tom just had an annoying talent to pick up on things that hadn’t been said. Amelia contained a moan of despair once she noticed her mentor didn’t seem too inclined to drop the subject.  

“Trouble in paradise?” he raised one eyebrow looking too full of himself.

Amelia took a deep breath. Her first instinct was to lie because she didn’t want to discuss the status of her marriage with Tom Koracick, especially considering how he was always looking for an opening to smear Owen. But she resisted it and instead, avoided the question with the expertise of someone who was far too good at getting away with things.

“What makes you think that?” she sneakily made it about Tom. He was a surgeon and therefore knew it wasn’t uncommon for people in their field to work late sometimes. Koracick couldn’t have taken his conclusion based solely on Owen’s work hours, so Amelia used that to deflect the unwanted subject.

“You know that when a guy says he is working late hours, more often than not it really means something else, don’t you?”

“Are you speaking from experience?” Amelia crossed her arms in front of her body and proudly stood up to him, refusing to take the uncalled-for provocation.

Tom took a while longer than usual to answer.

“Yes,” he honestly admitted with what looked like regret in the back of his eyes. “Maybe Oliver really is at the hospital after all…”

“Owen is,” Amelia interrupted him, prematurely supposing Tom was giving her a break from all the teasing. “I work there too, you know, it would be very stupid of him to lie about that.”

“… but maybe he is not really working,” Tom continued with his badgering. “At least not on a patient, if you know what I mean,” he smirked.

Amelia sustained his gaze, noticing in Tom’s nasty, arrogant expression that he expected her to break under his claims and suppositions. Instead, she took a deep breath and spoke with confidence.

“I have no reason whatsoever to suspect my husband is doing anything other than what he says he is doing,” Amelia’s tone was unfaltering. She and Owen might not be on their best terms, but she loved her husband with all her heart and wouldn’t put up with that nonsense about him. “But yet tonight you’ve come here and deliberately insulted me by calling me lazy, then you spoke about the great disappointment I was to you when I left, and now you’re trying to fill my head with this nonsense,” she pointed out, questioning him at the same time she set a boundary. Koracick was usually bickering everyone, but that evening in particular he seemed especially sour. “Why, Tom? Why are you doing this?” Amelia frowned, unaware of what to think of the situation. “Because honestly, you and I both know you’ve got better things to do with your time than tormenting me.”

Amelia prepared herself for a full round of teasing – probably at Owen’s expense – and some more gloating. But when the senior surgeon looked at her, his eyes were deprived of the usual malice.

“You don’t seem too happy,” Tom commented with such simplicity that it overthrew her. After a few seconds of silence, in which it became obvious she was confused, he carried on, “we got a grant and usually, that would be reason enough for you to be irritating everyone around you with your happiness, making all kinds of plans... I half expected you to have a fully drafted project by the time I rang on your doorbell tonight,” he sincerely stated, unaware of how much his observations touched her. “Since you haven’t, something is obviously not right.”

Amelia was so taken aback by his perfect reading of the situation that she gave up lying or resisting to the truth his words contained. At that moment, she wasn’t even angry at Tom anymore because she understood that his excessive nastiness was probably the resource he had to perhaps annoy her to the point of getting her to talk. To think his evilness was rooted in concern made her smile.

“It’s going to be okay,” she said, hoping she would convince herself as well. Owen had shown signs that he was truly sorry for the way things were unfolding between them lately, and for their fight. But what she really held onto was the fact he seemed willing to finally talk to her. Perhaps when that was resolved she would be able to thoroughly enjoy the happy news about the grant and act exactly as Koracick had described. “Thank you, Tom.”

“You should be thanking me,” he added with a smirk, promptly going back to his own self. “I will show you tomorrow what I have brought.”

“But I thought that’s what you came here for,” Amelia reasoned, finally closing the door to the dishwasher.

“It can wait,” Tom gave her an almost imperceptible wink as he made his way to the living room. “But not long,” he reminded her with his best severe expression.

“Thanks for dropping by,” Amelia smiled. She was grateful for the fact he’d identified she wasn’t in the best state of mind to focus on work and hadn’t insisted on it.

“I have better things to do, anyway,” he repeated her exact words with a malicious grin before flashing his cell phone. Amelia saw on the display the name of a woman as he picked up the device to make a call.

“Have fun,” she couldn’t help laughing as she accompanied him to the door.

Tom gave her a dubious look that lingered for a second more than necessary before finally saying, as if also wishing:

“You too.”

.

Owen had to take a larger stride to dodge a pair of roller skates that blocked his way from the car to the door inside the garage. Silently, he locked his truck at the same time he picked the muddy, wheeled boots and put them aside next to a couple of hockey sticks and steel goals. Relying solely on instinct, the trauma surgeon noticed that the objects were placed together very tidily next to each other, as if to block the view, which made him suspicious. After a quick inspection, Owen found out his instinct was right.

A paper printer had been hidden beneath all the equipment and the large crack on its display screen gave proof of where a hockey puck had hit and invariably broke it.

As he walked into the house, the surgeon was trying to figure out how long the object had been there for when he found the lights downstairs were still turned on, despite it being past eleven. Even though Owen had asked his wife to try and wait up for him, he knew he’d ran later than both expected and therefore it would be no surprise if she was already in bed by now.

“Hey,” Amelia greeted him from the couch when he first walked into the living room. She was comfortable lying on the couch with her back against some pillows as the television reporter idly ran over the latest news on the background. Owen noticed she was holding a pen and a folded piece of newspaper. “It took you a while.”

“Yeah, things got pretty messy… I didn’t expect it to be an easy one but this guy had more adhesions than anyone else I’ve seen… and it took forever for us to get an OR,” Owen went on describing as he dropped on the couch opposite to his wife, showing her the object he’d brought with him. “By the way, remember this printer that mysteriously went missing from the study a couple of weeks ago?” he asked with one raised eyebrow. “It turns out it was hidden in the garage all this time.”

“In the garage?” Amelia didn’t expect that.

“Apparently, someone has been playing hockey inside the house and thought they could get away with it by hiding the evidence of the crime,” Owen sighed heavily. “But I am going to find out whom.”

“It wasn’t me,” Amelia said immediately, making her husband chuckle with the absurdity of him ever making that supposition.

Amelia knew Owen could be very strict when it came to discipline and good behavior. Playing sports inside the house was a violation of the very basic rules he always reinforced and she knew that whichever kids who were to blame for the damages caused were also very likely to be grounded after being severely lectured by their father. At the same time Amelia knew they deserved it, she also couldn’t help but sympathize with their plight.

“Maybe the printer isn’t that damaged?” she suggested hopefully. Honestly, it wasn’t something she had used more than once or twice but maybe her husband had needed it recently and that’s why he seemed so bothered to see it destroyed? “Do you think we could still have an extended warranty or something?”

“Nah, this thing is pretty old,” Owen said.

“If it’s a factory defect, maybe we can still ask for a replacement,” Amelia said lightheartedly.

“I don’t think anyone would buy that, it’s obvious this thing was hit by a puck,” Owen informed her with a frown, wondering why in the world she would suggest that as he examined the damages on the object.

“I was talking about the children,” she explained with a witty smile, and her sassiness made him laugh.

“Well, good luck with the return process, then,” Owen joined her banter, finally taking his eyes from the printer to look into hers.  

When their gazes met, both smiled in perfect synchrony, making Owen feel more at ease than he’d felt since he’d woken up that morning. Even though he’d apologized to Amelia for the nasty way he’d started their last fight and she seemed to have accepted his apology, they were yet to truly go back to their normal selves, and he missed their bond and intimacy more than he could explain.

“What do you have there?” the surgeon asked after a few seconds of silence, inspecting the newspaper in her hand from a distance. “I’ve never seen you read the paper before,” Owen pointed out.

“I’m not reading, I am writing,” Amelia explained, flashing the page with a challenging crossword puzzle to him. While Owen liked to read the news every morning on the paper, Amelia was usually up to date with the world’s latest events either by reading about them on the internet or listening to the radio on the car as she drove to work. “Since you’re the hockey expert, maybe you can help me out with this one,” she proposed, thinking about the comment her husband had made about the puck. “Eight letter word. Home city to the franchise with the most Stanley Cup wins.”

“Easy,” Owen replied with a know-it-all smile. “Montreal.”

“Really?” Amelia asked as she wrote it down, satisfied to see it fit perfectly. Then the neurosurgeon wondered why she was surprised by the information in the first place, considering she didn’t know the first thing about hockey.

“Seven letter word,” Amelia went on listing the very few items she hadn’t been able to figure out on her own. “Audi’s most famous car, made from 1980 to 1991.”

Owen seemed very confident when he reclined and flung his arms open over the back of the couch.

“Quattro,” he smiled proudly and Amelia noticed he was acting as if he was warming up for more.

“Four letter word,” she bit her lower lip and hid her face with the folded newspaper to hide her teasing smile. “A search for something or someone,” Amelia slowly made up a new puzzle. “It’s also a synonym for, he who has no idea how to start a conversation with his wife.”

It took Owen a few seconds, but he finally made sense of her joke.

“Hunt,” he said rolling his eyes in playful disapproval. She had played him just as he’d gotten too comfortable, he realized with a mix of amusement and acceptance. Owen really wasn’t looking forward to that talk, but knew it had to happen. “You got me,” he confessed as he sat up to a stiffer position. “That’s not really on the crossword puzzle, is it?”

“No, it’s not,” Amelia also went from sprawling on the couch to a straight position. “It’s on another kind of puzzle, though,” she said with an apprehensive but encouraging expression. “One that, surprisingly, we still haven’t figured out together… Despite being damn good at it,” Amelia took advantage of the metaphor to bring up the situation. “Or at least, so I thought.”

Owen let her words sink in as he took a deep breath, trying to get his messy and conflicting emotions in order.

“I know,” he admitted once he finally looked back at her and met her penetrating gaze. “It frustrates me too,” the surgeon added, hoping she would know he meant it. “None of this is your fault, Amelia. You did nothing wrong,” Owen said very emphatically. He needed her to know it. “I’m the one who screwed up.”

Owen looked so overwhelmed with guilt that Amelia figured he meant more than just their fight.

“What happened?” sheasked with an open heart. She didn’t want to watch him torture himself and none of them needed that. The neurosurgeon firmly believed that whatever Owen had going on at the moment, they would both be better off if they dealt with it together.

A few moments passed and after watching his inability to come up with a cohesive explanation, Amelia spoke again, hoping to encourage him.

“I know I am being insistent but it’s just that you’ve been acting really strangely lately…” she decided to share her point of view. Maybe if she let her husband in on her impressions, it would be easier for him to access what was happening in his own mind as well. “You know, I look at you, I see you and I…” Amelia hesitated, trying to come up with the best way to explain what she was feeling. It wasn’t easy on her either. “I can tell that you have something consuming you… It feels like you’re never relaxed and okay, and I don’t know why,” she shrugged lightly. “I don’t know what is causing it so I don’t know what to say or do to help you or make you feel better... and that makes me feel sad too,” she added, unaware of the impact that confession had on him. Owen noticed the raw emotion stamped on her eyes as Amelia emotionally confessed. “Because in a way, it’s like I am failing you too.”

His first reaction was to slide closer to where she was sitting and hold her hand between his at the same time he looked deeply into her eyes.

“You’re not failing me,” Owen affirmed with conviction, touched by her concern. “Like I said, none of this is on you,” he repeated assuredly. “And I had no idea that it’s become so obvious that I’ve been worried. I never said anything because I didn’t want to bother you with things that are way in the past. That’s where they should be, anyway.”

“Owen,” Amelia tilted her head to the side and looked at him with a mix of disapproval, concern and disbelief.

Owen figured he should have known better than to think his wife wouldn’t notice he felt somewhat differently. But it wasn’t that he didn’t think she would be oblivious to the fact he wasn’t feeling as happy or in peace lately. Owen simply had hoped he would be able to come up with satisfying answers and explanations whenever she pointed out something wasn’t quite as it used to be.

“Is this about your ex?” Amelia asked reluctantly. She really didn’t think it made sense that Owen would be this affected by his ex-fiancé’s reappearance, but if that were the case she would rather just know so they could deal with it. The truth was always better.

“God, no,” Owen dismissed it with an ugly scowl, and Amelia hated how immediately relieved she felt. “It’s about the Army. It’s something I recently found out... and I didn’t share it with you because… Well, to be honest there is not much you can do about it and I honestly don’t like talking about the subject,” Owen finally decided to reach to the bottom of what had been causing all that friction between them. He didn’t want to keep things from Amelia if that was having such a negative impact on their marriage. “I was told about the circumstances of one of the guys in my team during an operation and that changed the entire perspective of a situation I went through when I was serving in the war... and even now, when so much time has passed, I don’t know what else to say,” Owen added with honesty. “Because I don’t know how to even feel about it.”

Amelia absorbed his words and processed them very carefully.

“Oh,” she unconsciously tightened her grip on his fingers. “You found out about this during your Charleston trip, didn’t you?” she asked, even though she already knew the answer. The neurosurgeon figured she probably should have trusted her instincts more. “I knew it,” Amelia sighed heavily, frustrated at herself for not acting on it sooner. Perhaps if she had pushed Owen a little more before, that could have spared him of dealing with that emotional burden on his own for some time now, and probably even avoided the fight they’d had. “Owen, what exactly happened?”

Owen could hear the concern on the hoarseness of her voice. His wife was looking at him with so much worry in her eyes that for a moment, he lost focus. Amelia wasn’t just asking because she was curious or wanted to prove a point. She really was interested. But even after so many years of marriage, accepting that someone could love him with that level of devotion was still hard to fathom sometimes.

The surgeon took a deep breath, more encouraged than he’d ever felt to share with her what had happened years ago. Even though Amelia knew some tidbits about his time in Iraq, he had never really told her about the time he’d been the only survivor of an ambush and how painful it had been to deal with so many losses, all at once.

“Many years ago… Before you came to visit Derek for the first time,” Owen started, unaware of the pause he’d taken to swallow hard and how obviously hesitant he looked to his wife as he shared, “I got discharged by the Army. That’s eventually why I ended up back here in Seattle.”

“I remember you told me you came back here to work after you were done with the Army, but I didn’t know they had discharged you,” Amelia confessed without letting go of his hand. “It has something to do with this operation you’re talking about, Iimagine?”

Owen nodded, confirming her assumption.

“I was working with an outbound surgical team. Our mission was basically to stabilize victims and get them out of risky situations,” the trauma surgeon explained, trying to provide context for his wife. “Not everyone on our team had medical training of course, since we needed people to drive vehicles and draw out mission plans,” he went on saying, watching as she seemed to follow through. “I had been at the job for weeks, but everyone knew it didn’t matter one bit since every day, we went to a different place. It demanded a lot of planning and we didn’t depend only on ourselves to do itsince we weren’t the ones who made the call about direct combat. My teamtried to know in advance where our units were likely to need us, but sometimes we got last minute calls and we simply had to be ready.”

“God, I can see how that would drive people crazy with anxiety... the stress of having to be ready at all times,” Amelia breathed out heavily, wondering how in the world he could perform their job - which was already stressful enough - in such abrutal environment.

Owen shrugged, unconsciously dismissing his effort because he didn’t know what to say and carried on with what he wanted to tell her.

“One day, we got an emergency call like many others we had before… And then we went and did our jobs,” he shared, unable to look into Amelia’s eyes as he spoke the words because he wasn’t ready to deal with the compassion and devotion he’d find there. “Except that day, somehow we got caught, despite all of our efforts to take the safest courses.  Being in a war zone means you’re never really safe, no matter how careful you are,” he took another deep breath, slowly letting it out. “We got ambushed.”

Amelia responded by getting up from her couch and joining him on the other, not settling for holding his hand anymore. Instead, she grabbed the length of his forearm between her small ones and wrapped him so tightly that Owen could feel his blood flow compromised. But he didn’t care.

“I am so sorry,” Amelia said with her chin on his shoulder as she looked to his face. She was terrified just to think of a situation like that and couldn’t begin to imagine what it must have been like actually going through it. “Were you hurt?”

“I wasn’t, no,” Owen tranquilized her, feeling one of her hands slide from his forearm to his palm until she linked the fingers of their hands. “But I was the only one who wasn’t.”

“What does that mean?” Amelia frowned with legitimate concern.

“Out of the twenty people who had been with me that day, I was the only one who survived,” he explained.

Owen saw the horror on her face and he had to make an effort not to try and comfort her about it.

“It was a long time ago, Amelia,” he tried, as if that made it somehow better.

“It doesn’t matter,” the neurosurgeon could feel her heart sinking inside her chest. What an awful thing to live through. And she felt even worse that she’d never heard about it before. “Did you have to see… Did you….” Words failed her as Amelia tried to formulate a sentence.

“Yes, I saw everyone dying around me,” Owen answered the question she couldn’t seem to ask.

The way she pressed her face against the curve of his shoulder and clung tighter to his arm made Owen realize she was picturing the situation and having a hard time dealing with it.

“I can’t even begin to imagine what that felt like,” Amelia’s voice sounded muffled against his shirt.

“I eventually learned how to deal with it,” Owen explained. It had never become easy but time had the power to make it at least less painful. “Until… Until a few weeks ago I found out that maybe, all of that could have been avoided.”

Amelia was dumbstruck by the revelation. She couldn’t bring herselfto formulate a question because she didn’t know how to make sense of the complexity of the situation.

“You see, General Harry let some information slip because he thought I already knew all the details,” Owen explained. Amelia knew who Lieutenant General Harrison was. Owen had spoken about the guy many times before. “It turns out that the guy on my team who was responsible for tracing routes for our vehicles might have made a mistake that day,” he added, on purpose letting out the detail about Staff Sargent Kelsey having a positive tox screen. As a recovering addict, the information would probably hit Amelia a little too close to home and he didn’t want her to get hurt for something that wasn’t even her fault. He already felt bad enough to witness every reaction on her face as he told her things. “And as his superior, I should have known he wasn’t in the best state of mind to work that day.”

Amelia seemed appalled by the content of his words.

“Is that what they told you that in Charleston?”

“Told me what?”

“That you’re to blame for this?” she said, a little worked up. Owen could see how defensive she was getting, as if she was not only annoyed with the scenario, but also irritated.

“Well, no, but…”

“I swear if someone said that to you, I’m gonna...” Amelia angrily started, but managed to calm her emotions. The idea of someone doing something so unfair to Owen had been enough to get her on her nerves. “Well, I am glad they didn’t. Because it’s not true,” she said with confidence.

“Amelia, I really appreciate your loyalty,” Owen said rubbing his thumb on her hand. “But you don’t have to coddle me. I am a big guy. When I took the mission, I was aware of the responsibility I had and what was at stake.”

“Owen, how in the world do you expect yourself to be responsible for the actions of everyone who works under you?” she asked irritably. Her husband could be so forgiving of others but when it came to himself, he knew just how to be the strictest, most demanding person ever. “If this guy really screwed up – and by what you’re saying it’s a possibility, not a concrete fact…”

“I think it’s very safe to suppose that he did,” Owen interrupted her. He would never have guessed it because Kelsey had been his trusted guy and that only made things worse.

“…still, you don’t know for sure,” Amelia carried on. She didn’t want to ask the details because the situation looked already hard enough for him. “Babe, we are trained to do our jobs and we do the best we can. Sometimes, we make mistakes,” she said, making a parallel to their work at the hospital. “Sometimes, it can be avoided but sometimes it can’t. How many times have you had to deal with a resident screwing something up?”

“Except when they do, it doesn’t cost the lives of nineteen people,” Owen argued bitterly.

“I know. And I am not trying to say it’s the same,” Amelia explained. “But sometimes it costs one life and it’s already enough,” she rationally pointed out. “And that considering that the workplace isn’t nearly as dangerous as the one you were in,” she added, trying to make a point. “What I am saying is, if people make a mistake here, where we’re supposedly safe and take all the right precaution methods and protocols, then how could you blame yourself if someone else makes a mistake under the awful, stressful, ungodly situation you were working in? You can’t, Owen,” she said, refusing to accept seeing him do that to himself. “You can’t.”

“You’re probably right,” Owen said, thinking it is what he should say. Amelia’s point was solid, but it didn’t mean he felt any better for not identifying the signs on Kelsey if the guy really had been working under influence. But at the same time, Owen had trusted the guy long enough to even suspect anything, and they didn’t have nearly as much time to prepare for the mission as they should have.

“I know it doesn’t change the fact that you lost so many people that day,” Amelia carefully added, hoping he’d know she wasn’t dismissing the importance of what he’d been through. “And it’s okay to be sad about that. I know I would be devastated,” she said, holding him in her arms again. “Which is why I am glad you told me,” the neurosurgeon added, looking straight into his eyes. “Now you can grieve for it. I suppose you never really did, did you?” Amelia took one hand to his face and placed it gently on his cheek. Owen had to admit she knew him better than he gave her credit for sometimes. “You don’t have to be so tough all the time, you know?” she slightly tilted her head as she smiled.

Owen closed his eyes and let out a self-conscious sound of laughter, too amused by how wonderful she was.

“I don’t?” he asked as he turned his head to the side, meeting her eyes. The smile on her face was enough for him to forget everything about his own pain.

“You don’t,” Amelia confirmed, grabbing his hand and kissing his knuckles. “I know you hate it, but you can talk to me.”

“I don’t take it for granted,” Owen said with honesty, using his free hand to bring her chin up. “You have to know that.”

“I do,” Amelia whispered at the same time she moved forward to wrap her arms around his neck, pulling him for a tight hug that none of them seemed to want to break from.

“It’s okay to be sad about this,” she assured him again while keeping his head firmly held against her upper stomach as she stood in front of him. “I get now why you were acting so strangelybefore. I am sorry I was so hard on you.”

“You weren’t,” Owen informed her, breathing out heavily against the soft curves of her body. Now that he’d gotten some things out of his chest, it had become easier to relax. After a full day of work, most of which he’d spent worrying about the fight they’d had, all he wanted was to keep her there forever.

Owen hadn’t thoroughly shared with her the full extent of the toll the news had taken on him. He thought that given the friction his secret had caused to his marriage, the least he could do was to come clean about what was causing his distraction and concerns. But he didn’t even realize he had not really discussed with Amelia that learning about his sergeant’s conduct hadn’t merely caused him to be upset or frustrated. It had also given him a lot of anxiety and stress, which translated into his sleepless nights, sour mood and sometimes impulsive, careless behavior. All those things weren’t yet very clear to him, because in a way, Owen also didn’t want to see or acknowledge them.

“Want to go to bed?” Amelia asked after a few seconds of silence, most of which she’d spent stroking his hair in a comforting motion while he simply relaxed under her touch. “It’s pretty late and we gotta be up before seven.”

“I need to take a shower,” Owen said, totally up for the invitation. “But I will meet you there in a minute,” he promised, slowly standing up.

As he did, his head that was previously pressed against her stomach was now inches above hers. Before he could make his way upstairs, Owen held her face between his hands, leaning over to do something he’d been meaning to do for a while now.

Amelia felt the gentle touch of his lips on hers and parted them in response, absolutely welcoming the kiss. She ran her hands on his chest as one of his arms surrounded her waist, pulling her closer. It felt amazing to be on good terms with her husband again, and that wonderful kiss wasn’t even the main reason why.

They made their way upstairs together and as soon as Owen got into the shower, Amelia pulled the covers to their bed. She didn’t consider falling asleep before he joined her, if anything to at least say goodnight and change once for all the nasty atmosphere their last fight had brought, but as soon as Owen came back from the bathroom in his pajamas, he noticed his wife’s calm and steady breath, an undeniable proof that she’d dozed off in the fifteen minutes it’d taken him to shower.

The moment he joined her, Amelia shifted slightly to his side. Owen wrapped one arm around her at the same time he pulled the covers around them.

“Wait, we aren’t done talking,” Amelia fought her sleep the moment she drifted back to conscience. She still wanted to tell Owen about her grant, about Tom’s visit and also ask him if he’d changed his shift to make it to Tommy’s game on the weekend.

“It can wait until tomorrow,” Owen spoiled her, kissing his wife on the head. An idea was forming in his head and he wanted to think about it before discussing it with her. “Besides, if you want to stay up, talking is the last thing I feel like doing with you at this moment.”

Amelia laughed soundly as she contained a yawn and turned around to face him.

“We can get it going, and I promise I will do my very best to make it all the way to the happy ending,” she playfully smiled, having a really hard time keeping her eyes open.

“It shouldwait until tomorrow,” Owen reformulated his sentence with good humor, making her crack up.

Amelia’s grip on his chest was the last thing he felt before her muscles relaxed completely, letting him know she had fallen back asleep.

Owen thought again about everything that was going on and the answers he felt he needed to truly be at ease. He’d spent the last weeks trying to dig up every bit of information he could about the events in Iraq, without any success. But maybe he was ignoring the obvious. If there was one person who definitely knew more, it was the Lieutenant General who had first shared the truth with him.

Grant Harrison had several times invited Owen to visit him and his family in his beach house in South Carolina. The trauma surgeon was sure that if he contacted Harry, the guy would most likely present the offer again. And that was exactly what Owen planned on doing. He just needed to sort everything out with his wife first.

With that thought in mind and the prospect of perhaps finally getting to the bottom of the situation, Owen was able to relax a little for the first time in what felt like longs weeks, but not before wondering how his wife would react when he proposed they spent a week away at the beach with their five kids amidst everything she had going on.

This is going to be shorter than I’d like to because not only I’ve been up and running for over 30 hours, but I’d probably get dumped tonight if I spent any more time devoted to Grey’s  (isn’t watching the episode enough?, he asks. Little do they know that talking to your friends about it is half the fun… Not just about Grey’s… ) but anyway here it goes

Okay, so, I just couldn’t let this pass without sharing my initial impressions, mostly because I really liked this episode and everything that came along with it.

The whole hour turned out to be less angsty than I thought it would (although it was very emotional for Amelia in particular). I confess that even though I was pretty sure Leo would be taken from Owen (as seen in many previous discussions and posts here), I wasn’t expecting this to go so easily or without a legal battle or something, but I am glad it did. It’s so heartbreaking to see Owen letting him go, but it’s the best for everyone involved.

I am kinda disappointed that everything I imagined would happen did, because when the show is this predictable, it’s usually no fun. So, yeah, the Dickinsons seem to have Leo, Linus turned out to be the one who died, Betty supposedly hit rock bottom and Amelia drew the parallel with Ryan. These were very easy calls. But even none of these surprised me I didn’t realize it could turn out to be such a powerful moment to watch the growth Amelia experienced.

It may not seem so obvious, and talking about this is mostly why I wanted to write this post: I think this whole experience on episode 15x14 was the moment Amelia really became aware of how much her addiction has affected the people around her. Up until know, I think she’s done such a great job owning her addiction instead of letting it own her and mostly, discovering and acknowledging that life can be so much better when she is actually truly feeling things. But then, we have this episode and to me, it was the first time Amelia wasn’t experiencing what her addiction did TO her, but rather to the people around her.

For the first time in her life, she was on the other side and could see it clearly from the other perspective. From her mother’s perspective. She could make the link between Betty and her parents because she has been in both shoes. That’s why the scene with Link in which she breaks down is so powerful. To me it felt as if all those emotions, thoughts and feelings were coming to her and overwhelming her in a bittersweet epiphany. It was painful, but at the same time, magical and powerful and healing.

These things just make me further believe that Betty’s storyline was a good set up for Amelia’s special episode. I don’t think her dialogue with Link about going away or something was a coincidence either. I think on the next episodes we will say farewell to Betty and Leo, and then when Betty is finally on the right track, Amelia will go on a journey to finally make peace with her past. She has made peace with her present, but not with her past. There are many things to sort out with her mom and her family and she needs to do this. Not for them. But for herself.

If that’s what’s gonna happen, I’m game. I am here. I can’t wait for it. Feed me some Amelia family drama.

You know, what I really love about this is how we get to potentially explore Amelia’s childhood traumas, to uncover what makes her who she is, to reach out for the very essence of what really made Amelia Shepherd. Last week I complained that sometimes, the show is too repetitive when it comes to Amelia’s addiction, and it feels as if they reduce her to being just that when she is so much more.  And that’s my point. Amelia’s addiction was a cause to many things in her life, but it wasn’t always a cause. Once, back in her past, it was a consequence for something. We know about her dad’s death and tragic childhood, but what else has Amelia been through? How was her mom like? How were her sisters like? We’ve heard so much but nothing at all... And I want to know!

There is this fine line by the amazing, wise Albus Dumbledore that says it better than I could:

Amelia, you wonderful girl. You brave, brave woman.

So brave.

That transition between child Amelia and adult Amelia is such a ride. At the same time she is this strong, courageous, fierce adult that has never accepted defeat, Amelia has never been able to hide or suppress the child that she once was and still is, because that child lives within her. A child that was so heartbroken and hurt by the people who loved her the most, but just like any child, has never given up optimism, happiness or hope. And that little girl is present in every sad look she gives, in every tear she sheds, every enchanting smile she shares... even in the super hero poses she believes in! These traits make Amelia wake up in the morning and believe that things can be better, that life can be good.  It’s what captivates us and makes us want to protect her from all harm, all pain. Like you’d do with any child you loved.