can you burn a fire in my flesh

Alice had thought the girl in the chair next to her had been talking so she was surprised when Jordan spoke up. Though she didn’t exactly appreciate the sarcastic tone, it didn’t seem like something Jordan would do–Alice figured she’d usually shoot back with a witty comment. Letting out a heavy sigh, she got up from her blanket cocoon and walked over to the blonde, leaning against the wall next to her. “Sorry, I didn’t think it was you talking… I thought it was her,” she said, nodding to the girl in the chair. “She’s always been particularly annoying.”

Jordan couldn’t tell if Alice meant it for her or not, but figured she did. She’d been cast off a lot-- took a while for her to realize how much it happened, it wasn’t just Pepper. For a wounded, particularly lonely heart, the flippant request for quiet was like that hairbrush on her thigh. Stinging, too hard, surprisingly hurtful. “Oh. Nah, it was me. I’m always talking, so. Usually if someone needs shutting up, it’s me.”

The muscles in Alec’s shoulders tensed as Jordan’s words came trailing after him. He had only made it a few steps beyond her, and it was there that he paused, frustration already making his fingers curl in. He spun on the spot. “I’m goin’ to the fuckin’ common room or somethin’. I don’t know- just, I- don’t know.” He stuttered out at an ever increasing volume, shaking his head slightly and raising his hands, fingers now spread out and spindly. He gestured angrily as he continued to speak. “I’m just tryin’ to get as far from that fuckin’ hole as I can.” He snapped, pointing down the hall. “That a problem, lady? You need me to stick around and talk about it?” His rhetorical question was sharp and pointed. He looked about one minute away from snapping.

Jordan stepped back at his sudden aggression, blinking hard. Why did everyone get so frustrated when she just wanted to help? No one wanted anything from her, love, advice, anything. She chewed on her lip for a moment. “Okay. You’re upset, I just-- want to know if there’s something I can help with.” As his voice intensified, hers grew softer. She stood quietly, jaw clenched until he finished. “I don’t know what you’re talking about. I’m just trying to help.”

“I did wanted to ask something but if you don’t have the time to talk I totally understand. Oh you’re on your break? I’m sorry ”

“No, go ahead. You’re here now, might as well.” Jordan lifted her head. “What’s up?”

“I hope so. I’d like my first independent cinnamon roll experience to be somewhat satisfactory.” It was then she was beginning to notice; she was aware of how talkative Jordan was, or at least she used to be, when discussing about things like food—there was a brief flicker of thought in Elle’s head telling her she might’ve been bugging the blonde, she should leave, maybe, but she wouldn’t want to make the situation possibly worse by spewing some paranoid conclusions. “You don’t have to tell me about it, but I’ll listen no matter how dumb they might sound. I’ve got a lot of dumb problems myself.” Like worrying if her husband would ever find out about her past work, where things were too filthy and suffocating and there was always a blurry line when it came to consent; maybe the experience itself wasn’t dumb, just the constant paranoia that was still present. “Is it good?” She pinched one for herself. “It’s a bit, uh. Soggy. Is it supposed to be like this?”

“I’m sure it will be. Cinnamon, dough, and icing is almost always satisfactory.” Jordan shifted slightly, leaning her weight into her hands, still not comfortable sitting-- embarrassing as it was. She didn’t know how to handle this. She always wanted people to talk to her, tell her what was bothering them-- she could help. But now that things were reversed-- and with the situation at the core of her current mood-- she didn’t know how to be vulnerable. “I’m just-- getting pretty tired of being single, and impatient. No one is too interested in dating me. I’m too soft to have emotionless sex. Girl problems,” She tried to joke, half-heartedly. She put the dough in her mouth, almost unable to taste it, appreciate it. “Yeah, you did great. Soggy is okay, dry cinnamon rolls are trash. Don’t worry, it doesn’t taste soggy.”

“I understand.” Jared bit his lip, standing awkwardly aside. “I’m a good listener, if you want to talk.”

Jordan shrugged. “It’s not, like... something you probably wanna hear about. Especially ‘cause I don’t know you like that. Wild story. I suck at BDSM, apparently, even though I thought I was cool with it, and-- ugh.”

“I haven’t been able to find a nurse who’s available so I apologize for bothering you. It seems to be a very hectic day. My name is Joshua. Joshua Chiles.”

“Ah. That’s weird, guess they all went on break at once. Not cool, guys. Um, we’ll probably need to find a doctor, then. Or a tech. Someone who can give you meds, but I’m not licensed for that. We could also sit at the nurses’ station and yell until someone pages-- hey, I could page one.” Her rambling was flatter than usual, but she felt so exposed without the string of words.

“Is there anything like actually stimulating though?” She asked. “Something to get my mind off the thought of being here for a while?”

“There’s also a library. That’s, uh. About it. Books, movies, art-- I’m not sure what you mean by stimulating, otherwise.”

“I was hoping someone could help me out, finding something to do or someone to talk to?”

“Oh, uh--” Jordan didn’t know if she could muster enough enthusiasm to give a full tour. “Well, there’s an art room, a garden, and a common room with a TV. Most people hang around one of the three.”

“No…” Caroline started as she shook her head. “I just wanted to see if you were alright. Pardon me for sticking my nose in where it isn’t wanted but you don’t seem fine.”

“I am. I’ve been better, but it’s not-- really something that can be fixed at the moment. I doubt it’s professional to talk about it here, anyway. Thanks for the concern.” She wanted a shoulder to cry on, but didn’t have one, not really. It was constantly becoming more clear that she was alone, but not in a way anyone would easily understand.

Just his luck. He’d nearly walked into a doctor looking lady and now she was standing there asking him questions. Alec glanced up. Blonde, strong features, fierce aura… he’d met a few other women that looked like this one, but not this one yet. He wasn’t too keen on sticking around and doing the whole cheap introductions thing anyway, despite how interesting the woman seemed. “Yeah, yeah ‘m fine.” Alec grumbled as his blue eyes darted between Jordan’s face, her clipboard, and his own shoes. “I’m just tryin’ to get where I’m goin’.” He kept his head down as he tried to side step the young woman and continue on his way.

Jordan raised her eyebrows, then knit them together, her eyes narrowing slightly. He wasn’t acting normally, but she couldn’t tell if there was something wrong or if he was just a prickly kind of dude. And-- paranoid? She took note of the quick motion of his eyes, and how he ducked his head. “You don’t look fine. You look shook as fuck.” She glanced behind her, where he seemed to be heading. “Where are you going?”

“You really sound like you excel in the cinnamon roll department; I should’ve given you a call and brought you along to help me pick the best ones. That’s relieving to hear, though.” Again, Elle was a bit oblivious when it came to figuring and plucking out people’s emotions — though she understood how bizzare life could turn out to be. Having her parents expect a child after only a week of marriage was incredibly taxing. “Yeah? Mine’s been a roller coaster too. I’m here if you want to talk about it,” she pushed the box of cinnamon rolls. “Here. You can have the first bite.”

“Like I said before, I’m the snacks queen. I’m sure you did fine, it’s pretty hard to mess up a cinnamon roll.” Jordan wanted to maintain her bright exterior, not even acknowledge that something was wrong, because the problem felt so fucking stupid and unworthy of all this weight on her shoulders. Still, it was hard, and truthfully, for once, she didn’t really feel like eating, like her stomach was already full of-- of what? She felt empty; why was that so consuming? “This is probably the kind of shit I shouldn’t share, ‘cause it’s like-- the dumbest problem ever.” Was this how Pepper felt? If so, she felt bad for never believing that she ‘wasn’t hungry.’ Still, she pinched off a piece from the corner and smiled. “Thanks.”

“Oh, I’m sorry. It’s just that my meds haven’t been delivered yet. Should I come back later?”

“I think that’s usually the nurses, but... I could check on it. I can’t pull anything and give it to you, though. We’d just have to ask someone else.”

“Is there anything I can do to possibly help. Make you a nice cup of coffee, maybe?”

“Probably not. I’m not feeling super consolable. I’d take a pity-coffee if it’s from the break room, but the stuff in the cafeteria is weird.”

“i would die for you, but i won’t live for you.” - the fountainhead

“Not really. I just wanted to find a quiet place, I’m on break too. You wouldn’t mind me being around would you?”

“Oh. Yeah, that’s chill. Just not living my best life right now.”

“That’s good, it was a bit cheap, though. So they might not taste as good.” While she didn’t notice the lack of enthusiasm, she’d defintely caught the flickers of something–vacant, earlier. “Are you alright?” 

“Don’t worry, dude, cheap cinnamon rolls are just as good as-- sometimes better than-- expensive ones. They’re like, two bucks at IKEA.” Jordan didn’t know how to respond-- it was usually easy to pick up on half-assed I’m fines, but she didn’t know her well enough to explain any of it. “Life’s weird, but I’ll survive.”