Carma

You know, I want to sulk and say how hard this year was, but I think that's taking the easy way out. That is me losing myself in comparison without realizing some of the amazing experiences I've had this year. I just don't ever give them much power, so I tend to forget them. How sad is that? Maybe I should post more, or maybe I should just be grateful.

I was looking at some of my last written posts here with the intention of reminiscing on better days. Instead, they made me realize that some of the "struggles" I've been giving too much power were actually from Fall of 2022. I shoved them into the 2023 bucket to help my inner narrative. My sad guy story.

Despite this inner melancholy I was fostering, I had an incredible year of discovery. I had an incredible year of SELF. I had an incredible year of firsts and lasts. Births and deaths. It's constant.

One door dies, another one is born (?)

Something like that.

I traveled this year, I was free this year, no car, no lease, money saved. I got to explore parts of the US that I hadn't before. Northern California, Washington State, New York, Denver, Florida. Maybe I'm forgetting one or two places.

I took risks, I won competitions, I got my first web3 job...

(oh yeah, Marfa!)

I made amends with family members, even if they don't know it. I hit on girls in public. I went dancing. I immersed myself in art. I changed my life like it was just another Tuesday. I kept up my therapy, my diet (more or less), my fitness, my self care. I got to see all of my hometown friends in one place. I celebrated love of loved ones. I flirted with romance once or twice. Not as much as I would have liked, but again this was a SELF year. I became more aware of my needs, more aware of who serves me and saved a lot of energy chasing acceptance. I reconnected with old friends, lost connection with some too. A few new friends this year who are solid. This is the way.

Everyone's highlight reel means something different. This year mine included a lot of inner work. It varies year to year as we grow. Tear down to rebuild better. Time to stop feeling sorry for myself and use everything as fuel to be my best self.

You can love close and you can love far. 

When I met you there was charm, your soul both old and new

That smile and your eyes, held something special 

Over time I learned where the dualities came from

You were old from a young age and young at an older age

I thought I could help show you the sun, but you feared to look 

I thought I could love you, but you hated yourself 

I thought I could bend, but crooked was your norm

I thought we could be a team, but you were playing a different kind of sport 

Why did I try so hard? When you were warning me constantly. 

Why was I so afraid to protect myself and instead protect you?

My naked self, vulnerable to compromise 

Who would have thought that charm would be the detriment? 

Doing whatever I could to please you, to win you over, only to let us both get hurt in the process 

I’m afraid to be alone, desperate for love, trying to fill a void of acknowledgement and acceptance

But that is not your responsibility 

My dad is gone, and has been gone in several ways throughout my life 

All I ever wanted was for him to recognize me, to be proud of me, to hug me and tell me he loves me

Instead, my mom did everything she could to make herself two, and all I could do was push her away 

Now without ego to shield me, without accolades to fulfill me, I realize that I’m not as “fine” as I thought I was for so long 

Claire, I tried to give you my best self, I tried to improve, I tried to be everything you need

And I think thats the problem 

My identity is not to be the “thing someone needs” 

You deserved to have me as me and instead I tried to be what I thought you wanted 

My heart aches with apology 

I knew you were special and I knew our time together would shape me, smoothing out just a few rough edges 

I hope it shaped you too

I hope that this time showed you whats possible, what life can be, what love can feel like

A boy from Florida and a girl from Los Angeles came together and learned a lot about each other, about themselves and about what life can truly be

I will love you forever and I hope we meet again 

Yours truly,