Jon's Ego (in print form!)

“40 Hour Orgasm”

“Carly Fiorina Lies About Planned Parenthood” a comedy sketch

Hey, look! I wrote and directed a new sketch! It's based entirely on other people's interactions with social media and not in any way on my own true life. Nope, not at all. Please check it out and like it or else I’ll go crazy!

Hi, Tumblr! How’re you doing? I made a new video called “Most Depressing Prank Show Ever” and I’d love for you to watch it. It’s about depression which is super funny!

Game of Thrones High School Teacher

One of the things I’ve always loved about this album is the way the story being told is all jumbled. I’ve always wanted to see if I could put the tracks in order and, tonight, because I didn’t feel like working on my taxes, I did. I’m sure someone out there with more time on their hands has done a better job at this but this is what I’ve got.

"Fast Blood" - Scott and Woman are happy

"Old Old Fashioned" - Relationship is showing cracks. Scott tries to save it.

"Poke" - Relationship is dying. No one has officially ended it yet.

"Floating in the Forth" - The break up happens

"My Backwards Walk" - Scott goes back over the history of the relationship, trying to figure out what happened

"Who'd You Kill Now" - Vague but possibly just angry ranting about Woman

"Good Arms vs. Bad Arms" - Scott wallows in fury over new guy the Woman is dating

"The Twist" - Scott drunkenly picks up a random girl at a bar

"Keep Yourself Warm" - Scott sleeps with random girl, feels empty

"Modern Leper" - Scott is either sleeping with or dating someone, but he is too damaged for it to work

"Head Rolls Off" - Scott has begun to reach acceptance

"I Feel Better" - Scott has feels better. Except when he doesn't. But mostly he does.

"Thanks for picking me up."

"No problem. Where are you going?"

"I'm going to Brooklyn."

"Uh, cabs don't go to Brooklyn."

"What? Yes they do."

"I no speak English."

"You just were."

"This isn't a cab."

"It clearly is."

"Nope. It's my... apartment."

"Your apartment is bright yellow and has tires?"

"Yes. Now leave. I'm sleeping."

"You know, it's illegal to refuse to drive to outer boroughs."

"Snore. Snore."

"You're just saying the word 'snore.'"

"Sleep. Snore. Dream. Sleep."

"Fine. I'm getting out."

...

"Uh, oh no! I think my apartment is moving!"