I have sworn to go through fire- not through rain

(about the dancers in the opening ceremony) ‘Oh, nice new trainers!’

(about the Netherlands) ‘Apparently he has put 1000 euros on himself to win. I hope he doesn’t need the money for tattoo removal because he’s lost it’

(again about Netherlands) ‘Does anyone find these guitarists marginally creepy?’

(about Italy pulling a vegetable out of nowhere) ‘I don’t know. I just don’t know’

(about Israel) ‘It comes with a giant hoop. Sometimes it lights up, sometimes it doesn’t. It’s temperamental like that.’

(about Israel) ‘Well that was tense. All those fireworks and all that hairspray. Never a good idea.’

(about Bulgaria’s outfit) ‘Maybe Bulgaria has poor street lighting. She has invested in some neon knee pads, which are useful for… gardening at night. I don’t know what she gets up to’

(about Germany) ‘There isn’t a single thing about this woman that doesn’t annoy me’

(about Poland) ‘Enjoy that smile.It’ll be the last one you see off him’

(about Australia being in eurovision) ‘One of the best things about Eurovision is that it defies logic. Let’s not try to explain it’

(about Cyprus) ‘From one of the best songs in the competition to… Cyprus. The band is called Minus One… Should probably call it Minus Five, it would be better.’

(about Cyprus) ‘The band are performing in cages. Not sure who is being protected; them or the audience.’

(about Lithuania) ‘Whatever happens, he’s got some new sneakers out of the competition’

(about Croatia) ‘I feel like the backing singers are in some sort of witness protection program’