Jonathan Versus the World

Rose soul, Demon mind.

The roadways fall in between the small city buildings of Alachua Countyś slightly hidden corners and alleyways, winding here and there gently in grey tones swaying, dipping down a small incline before slowly rising to the old train tracks across the street as the morning light curves down and spills over the etched tops of antique shops and drips down into the bushes’ bright green leaves and humble branches. The trees swaying in the nearly spring breeze relax their branches to digest the sunas wasps and birds dart in and out of the environment seeking shelter and solitude. The light poles tower high above the sidewalk as the painted bricks and tinted windows of storefronts rest in place enclosing the double yellow lined roads on each side. Small cars and some trucks pass through lazily following the fifteen mile per hour speed limit sign and some even park in small angled spaces along the sidewalks. The dead leaves from winter’s cold grip scuttle across the chipped and cracked sidewalk searching for new life or to finally blow up into the air and fly away far across to some other place perhaps to finally lay still and decompose. The sweet smelling breeze rolls through the area sweeping under the the collars of upturned coats and catching up the essence of the small cafe where a couple sits and talks about their new life over a hot coffee with two straws, blowing far into the ventilation system of an SUV humming down the winding road, wrapping around branches of trees before blowing off into the the small garden space, enclosed by large stone walls tattered in ivy and decorated with fierce and beautiful poetry along the walls. The myriad of emotional stanzas incandescently kissing the minds of its viewers and holding their hearts to stop, and simply beat in perfect decadence for one single moment. This is my place. Where I have been and where I have felt, where I have seen and did cry, breathed and did remember the sweet essence of who I used to be long before I touched your ivory walls and read your poetry stained skin sipping my coffee noting its flavor and feeling it’s vibrancy flow into my veins while feeling the cold stone to my palms, the dry vegetation to my fingers. This is my decay, my decadence and my light, my incandessence. This is where I have been.

In those days, i had to shove my feelings aside to help my extended family to put my whole world on hold to help them keep turning theirs. And i’ve not been to their graves since… never… even if I wanted to I can’t go for some reason. 've never let the grief out... i still can't accept it I've never said "Alex is dead" out loud. some part of me still believes he's there  on the house on the hill in his room waiting to be noticed, but he's not ever coming home… and i hate it and tonight and this entire week? i've consoled my friend who just lost one of her best friends this morning… I've had to tell her in the midst of her grief I can't love her as she desires… found out one of my ex’s(who I texted after a panic attack and forgot) is dating a guy who is mean and scary and will hurt her Why? because i left her... we decided it together and it drove her wild… the girl before her nearly killed herself because i couldn't be with her anymore every night she's dying in my mind… every night that bitch is beating up someone i loved and i never stopped loving either of them, I just found ways to dull the feelings and pain every night my world crumbles and i wake to "you're just bs-ing everyone, you're ungrateful" Alex was scared… I feel it every day … hyper-empathy...empathy....the ability to put yourself in someone's place and see, think, and feel from their point of view and all.... imagine that is number 1 on a scale. what everyone else feels... is averagely a 1. Me? I am about a 10 or even 12. Hyper-empathy... it means when I see you... I don't just see you like everyone, even if I don't know you... I can feel what you feel, see how you move and talk, think and all just by being next to you in a few moments... It sounds nuts I know but I am not kidding and most days I wish I was... for example... when a friend of me told me his mom died last year... someone I didn't know personally, and I was only just then getting to know my friend at the time... it broke me in half... I couldn't talk or eat... just cry and cry... no one understood... but somehow it was like what he was feeling was all the sudden joined with everything I knew about him and his life.  When Alex died... he was scared... knowing he messed up, disobeyed and then it was too late to say he was sorry... it seems like not my place to say, but it's what i feel in my soul... My point? I feel, think, and am deeper than what you'd mostly get. when my friend told me they were hurt because i couldn't love them... it shattered me...  when my friend died I felt him disappear... when my grandparents were burried I started to suffocate...as if the dirt the threw on their coffin each time was filling up my lungs...am not much... and my story is not one worth loving or remembering... everyone has their own issues... who am I to guide? who am I to let people run to me for help and shelter? I don't have anyone to run to... someone to help me through the nightmares... the asthma attacks... the days i feel like my world is either hell or heaven... i have nothing to fill the void... my father has negated the work of god in my life I feel... somehow who I am to him and all doesn't allow me to follow god as I desire...so now i'm listing... just here... waiting for something to change till I can break free and be who I feel and know I am to be. I truly am... and for gushing everything... this is one of the drops in the lake if you understand my meaning... this falls as a fraction to what I am dealing with and this ... me... is why they all left... why they don't have time or don't wanna hear it... there's no help for me... at the end of it all i am disconnected and on my own and yet still attached to my father and his view for my life...college, jobs... growing... slowly gaining my "freedom"... it's all so hazy. In all this i find myself laying down on the line every day the things I love... just to be held... and after time i get too heavy... never have I felt the everlasting love of someone's arms around not only my aching body but my aching heart all I want... is to truly be loved. I've loved... so deeply and so purely no one around me believes I should exist ... and yet I am the one doing all the loving... I hold those who have fallen until my heart burst from the pressure...all I want is to be held. to just be reached out and pulled through... i've never been allowed to be weak or even think i have problems... but you know what? I've been broken for a while... "Depression is fixable, so are other things" shit like that is what i've been told to think and feel... that I've been raised too good to have problems... but I do... I have tons... needs, broken pieces and bandaged memories sewn together to create a temporary patch for the tear in not just my heart, but in my soul as well.

Road Rage - "Road Rage" (on Wattpad) https://my.w.tt/hzGLcmXfBN A symbolic story. Find the meaning you read in between the written words. And the photo is one I took(I am a photographer).

“Just as the clouds come to being, water the earth, and dissolve... things change." -J

This morning kicks off with "Round Midnight" on the Piano Bar Jazz playlist. I need this serenity coming off of Infinity War last night.

Man how compartmentalized time flies!

(John Carter)

Johnathan C. P.

Be more.

to me.

Hey guys, I’ve been away for a while now, What’s new in your life? Let’s talk. :)