JoEllen Notte

1. How long have you been polyamorous or been practicing polyamory?

As far as I am concerned I’ve been polyamorous since leaving my marriage in 2011. In the aftermath of my divorce I had some very strong feelings about how I did and did not want to live the rest of my life and among them was the belief that I never wanted to be monogamous again. That said my first “official” (in my head at least, I didn’t get a toaster or anything) poly relationship started in May 2013, and then my first successful poly relationship began in December of that same year.

2. What does your relationship dynamic look like?

I have long said that I am like Gonzo from the Muppet show, I’m a “whatever”. That said, my dynamic most closely resembles solo poly. I have 3 partners who I love dearly and who all live nowhere near me (seriously, one just moved to a place about an hour away and it’s the closest I’ve lived to anyone I’ve been involved with in 5 years). For an anxious introvert, this is an amazing set up because it gives me space when I need it and requires way less schedule worry and potential over-extension. It also keeps all of my relationships separate. I don’t really do the “let’s all meet each other’s partners, we’re a happy polycule” thing. I appreciate and respect my partner’s partners and we all ask after each other (I spent a bunch of time looking out for available apartments for a partner’s partner recently) but for me, it’s really about my relationship with each partner, I don’t need to hang out with everyone else.

I try to avoid hierarchy because I hate the idea of ranking people I love but it is undeniable that I have an anchor partner (I see him about every two weeks, he spends christmas with my family, he’s my dog’s “dad”). Additionally, I have a partner who I refer to as my “boyfriend” who I see 2-3 times a year and email with multiple times a week and he has his own anchor partner. I also have a friend with benefits situation that has been going on for over 6 years (so maybe that’s my first poly relationship?) with a man who has his own wife and girlfriend.

3. What aspect of polyamory do you excel at?

The talking. Seriously, being someone who talks about feelings and teaches people about concepts for a living makes all the talking that comes with poly a bit easier than I’d imagine it is for the typical person.

4. What aspect of polyamory do you struggle with?

Oh, there are a couple of things here.

On a grand scale, I struggle with the degree to which the world has no context for heterosexual female agency and thus often portrays non monogamy as something men revel in and women tolerate so they don’t lose their man. From the descriptions of famous people suspected of nonmonogamy to the stock photos that run with nearly every article on it (If I see that one with the guy surreptitiously holding hands with one woman behind the back of another woman with her arm around him, one more time I’m going to scream.), the message tends to be “this is something that exists for male pleasure”.

Additionally I have coped with a lot of folks making assumptions about my sexuality: men who assume I am the key to the FFM threesome they’ve always wanted, people who imply I MUST be bisexual because why else would I want my relationships open, and endless people tossing the “I read an article that said no women are really hetero!” line at me. I hate complaining about this because I see my actual bisexual friends struggle so hard with the erasure of their identities but, seriously, since becoming nonmonogamous I have way too many people argue with me about my orientation.

Within my own relationships my struggles are largely entwined with my physical/mental health issues. So, I’m often not great at staying in touch, especially when the anxiety and depression kick in and that can leave my partners feeling ignored. Additionally, I get worried that my limitations (I have terribly low social stamina and often need mellow, quiet time) make me “not fun”.

5. How do you address and/or overcome those struggles?

The grand scale ones kind of fit in with the mission of my website: making sure everyone knows that they get to be who they are so I just try to channel my anger about it into making sure I never write things that tell people who or what they are is wrong or doesn’t exist. It’s actually part of what has shaped me as a writer.

As for within my relationships, so much talking. I try to be as honest as I can about what’s going on with me. That includes my health stuff and my insecurities.

6. In terms of risk-aware/safer sex, what do you and your partners do to protect one another?

Testing and barrier methods mostly. I also had a tubal ligation in 2016 so pregnancy is not a concern anymore. (Fun fact: my partner was with me when I went in for the procedure and every doctor we saw mentioned that vasectomies are significantly less invasive. We told each one “we’re nonmonogamous so we are doing both” and every single doctor replied with something along the lines of “cool, that’s smart!” because, Portland.

7. What is the worst mistake you’ve ever made in your polyamorous history and how did you rebound from that?

In that first relationship in 2013 I didn’t take the time to determine whether the other person and I meant the same thing when we said nonmonogamous. This resulted in my (very jealous) partner freaking out whenever I tried to see anyone else (each time insisting it was “just that specific guy” he objected to) and constantly pushing me to attend sex clubs so he could “look over and sex you with someone else” (so far from what I wanted). For me non- monogamy looks like everyone having their own relationships and no ownership of anyone while for this man non-monogamy looked like everyone knowing I was “his”  and him “allowing” me outside activity that he approved of/was in the room for.

When I got out of that relationship I quite literally rebounded into my relationship with my now-partner of almost 5 years. When I met him I laid out what non monogamy meant to me and found he was on the same page. Basically, I learned the valuable lesson of not assuming everyone who wasn’t monogamous was okay with the same things. It seems obvious now but back then I was just thrilled to find other nonmonogamous people.

(Bonus: Do you have any groups, projects, websites, blogs, etc. that you are involved with that you would like to promote?)

I am working on my first book, The Monster Under the Bed: Sex, Depression, and the Conversations We Aren’t Having and have a Patreon where supporters can read weekly book previews and help shape the book by participating in monthly polls.

—

WAIT, WHAT?

It’s same basic principle as shaking a ketchup bottle or an earthquake triggering a mudslide.  You’re going to use vibration to turn a semi solid into a liquid.

If decongestants or antihistamines aren’t cutting it (or you can’t take them) and its too blocked for neti pot to get through, you can try using a vibrator.  

You’ll need:

a vibrating device of some sort. you can use butt end of an electric toothbrush or electric razor if needed. just be careful of moving parts

a washcloth and/or some type of covering for your device. whatever shape is appropriate

Tissue or handkerchief 

glass of water (you’ll be gargling)

Somewhere to spit afterward

Take off any facial jewelry or earrings.

Make sure your device is CLEAN. Now wrap it up.  You can use either a thinner wrapping or the washcloth. you may want both.

Turn it on. Open your mouth, and start by applying at point of jaw,below ear.  Now close your mouth and hold teeth together. If too intense, adjust setting OR wrap in another layer of washcloth.  Now run slowly along the grove behind ear, running to jawline. This MAY make your ears pop if they’re clogged. adjust speed/wrapping again if this seems too intense.

Now do the facial sinuses over eyes.  Go  slowly along forehead, above eyebrows, moving in towards nose. do both sides. again, adjust if it seems too intense

Now to the main event.  Have tissues handy! Put next to ear, by tragus and then slowly move along and slightly underneath the cheek bone, towards the nose. gently. don’t press hard.  Make sure NOT to go above the cheek bone and into the orbit of the eye. Go slowly along until you’re actually touching nose, then hold there for a few seconds.  Repeat and do other side.  

The last part tends to make me personally sneeze and then everything runs like mad. Blow nose and repeat until you feel like you’ve got everything flowing. 

Depending on what part was actually blocked and how your sinuses are tilted, it MAY run down back of throat instead of coming out nose. Gargle to clear out anything that may have gone down back.

If you like neti pots, you may want to follow up with the neti pot now that there’s a path for it to drain through.  

And make sure to clean up your tools afterward!  either throw out wrapping (if temporary) or throw it direct in the wash and then clean off your device.

Troubleshooting:

if it actually HURTS at any point, STOP. You may have more serious issue than temporary congestion. If it just feels weird, adjust angle or setting and see if there’s a better one. Of you may want to try a different type of fabric that lets through more or less vibration.

If you device is oddly shaped, you may want to work in front of mirror so you don’t poke yourself in eye with sticky outey bits

If you find direct contact is too much no matter what you do, close your jaw and just run along mandible. You’ll still get some vibration of lower sinuses that way, but it will be much gentler than direct contact

If you have braces on your teeth, be careful not to go too low and  hit them through your upper lip. that may result in cut lip. be gentle.

If your ears are clogged, spend some more on step one behind the ear.  This may cause you to want to cough or yawn as stuff moves around. Try not to do it from front, by tragus, for too long as many devices are going to be unpleasantly (and possibly dangerously) loud in that position. Focus on jaw and neck instead.