Inner Rising

Lately I've been keenly aware of the different "layers" of my mind/ego. Sometimes it feels to me like there are a couple of different people living inside of me. It makes me think of the old American tv show called Herman's Head. Ha ha…I think that show was ahead of its time! At any rate, thankfully the various voices in my head usually aren't in conflict. Mostly there is experiencing and observing going on. I've never been a big proponent of the teachings that say "Kill the ego, the ego is the enemy, etc." I've always known that this ego/mind is what gives us our experience here as humans, through the senses. For a while I thought about whether we could extract the "practical" mind from the part that creates all the stories and attachments that then creates suffering. And to a certain point it is helpful to look at it in this way so we understand that we aren't throwing the whole thing out and becoming non-functional beings. But as I go deeper and deeper into it, I realize that I can't really separate it at all.

I see now that my desire to separate it comes down to continued resistance of completely being with what is on all levels of being. This, too, is deeper than it may sound. I've gotten to be pretty stable with accepting exterior situations as they are and understanding that in the moment I may have a reaction, but I can let that pass through relatively quickly now. What I have recently been made aware of is that I still have resistance to more subtle interior happenings...thoughts & emotions that happen throughout the day beyond in-the-moment experiences. And if I “try” to rid myself of these then I potentially risk losing the experience of the moment…of life. Being as energetically sensitive as I am, I often "pick up" on collective or individual energy that is in the field. Some of my resistance probably comes from this as it was too stimulating as a child and young person. So I learned to ignore or numb out from it. Most of the time I can now recognize when there is a disruption in my field and can let it pass through, but sometimes I question it and wonder if there is some latent energy of my own that has come up. Sometimes the thoughts and emotions last for minutes or hours and then I feel "fine" again. (Given my age, 50, there are also hormonal waves to add to the mix so that adds to the fun as well🤪) My initial reaction is to stabilize it in whatever way necessary: divert my attention, be aware of my breath, sleep (or in my 20s & 30s have a glass of wine or 3). But now on top of the emotional layer there is this observer layer of sort, and this is what has garnered my attention. I spoke with my teacher about this...about my concern around these thoughts and emotions that I know aren’t necessary and I don’t feel attached to them, yet they still persist. I questioned whether I could get rid of these. His advice: Be It. Be it 100% at all times.  What? I am already present. I don’t fight what “is” in the moment. How do I “be it” more than I already am? And this is when it hit me...being present at the level he is suggesting is beyond what I for so long have been working towards. It’s so much more of an inside job than I’ve been able to let myself experience. Can I experience every moment with every change and still have an underlying current of stability intact? I realized awhile back that emotions need not have outward expression although they must be allowed to flow through me. I’ve mostly experienced this in situations in which there’s been a “trigger” of some sort. Now, I see that it has begun to happen at many other times…a constant state of observation while there are simultaneous other thoughts and emotions.

I can use the common image of the sun to help clarify. The sun is always there, shining brightly regardless of the clouds, the planes, the birds that fly through. It doesn’t stop shining even when a planet moves in front of it, it continues to shine at full force. There is no denying that these birds or planes are in the path of the sun’s rays, but it doesn’t divert, it just allows them to pass through. It may affect what we see from this level (rain, clouds, eclipse) but it has no effect on the sun itself. This analogy is often used in meditation…and when it is lived then we begin to understand that meditation is a natural state, not a technique.

I’ve also learned on this path that the question of “how do I do that?” is somewhat irrelevant. There are some things we can use techniques for, and these will help you to progress through physical ways (see my many writings around pranayama & the nervous system, etc.) but when it comes to the mind, the sure path for me is to just wait for it to happen, to shift on its own. And, in my experience, it does…quite probably not on my preferred timeline, but it will. And now that my awareness is there I can skillfully use my mind to keep it focused…not rigid focus but undistracted.

I realize that my lifestyle is more conducive to this kind of internal work than most. It’s a deliberate choice on my part. I have things I need to do every day, and when I have visitors here I need to stay attentive to them, but in general I have no excuse to not be constantly aware of my internal world. This is why I’m here, the reason for this chapter in my life. So here I go, a larger awareness of the ego and its many aspects, held steady in compassion and love.

“Welcome home,” I heard from the waters at my favorite purification temple during my last visit to Bali. As an adult I’ve never felt at “home” in any particular location, no matter how long I live there. When I’m with certain people I’ve experienced a feeling of “home.” And when I experience certain states of awareness I have a strong sense of “home.” I’ve come to the understanding that for me home is a state of consciousness, and some physical locations are more conducive for me to stay in that state. I used to say I am homesick for a place I don’t know. Bali felt closest to “home” more than any other place for a couple of years. The physical land of India feels this way for me now. It’s a strange thing, this sense of home.

I moved around the US quite a bit in my 20s and I never really got attached to any one location. I was always up for a move. I usually kept at least one friendship from each location going as I continued on but often that too would fade as well. I’ve never once thought about moving back to a place I’ve already lived. Even my home town in which I grew up in for 18 years and continue to visit doesn’t feel like home to me. I still like to drive through when I’m in the area but it is only the sentimentality remains.

While living in NYC my circle of girlfriends became the most stable part of my life. A few of them had family around but the others didn’t, so we all became family and were invited into the families that were there. But family doesn’t necessarily mean home to me either. Home is where I feel content. Settled, not restless. Comfortable. Quiet. At peace. I’ve learned to create a home-like environment wherever I am by allowing myself some minor luxuries no matter how low on cash I may be…plants, soft pillow, nice kitchenware…things that add to my comfort. But the inside feeling of home comes from nothing I can buy.

For a minute, in my last relationship in NYC, I told myself that I needed to just give up my idea that “home” was going to feel anything different than I was feeling. At that point, I was living with the man I loved and we had moved in together so this was home now. I tried to trick my mind into believing it. But in the corners of my heart I still didn’t believe it, no matter how much I tried or wanted to.

In August, 2016, during my first visit with my teacher in India, I wrote this in my journal:

I understand now I have never been lost or on a search. I have always known where home is yet I feel as if I was dropped on the other side of the world and have been finding my way back. Many practices & traditions have a familiar feel - like the old neighborhood - but it is only now that I see the light of my home. I am not there yet. But I see it from here. I will be home soon.

In general I find that one of the things many women chronically suffer from is the search to “find” their voice. Actually suffer; sometimes feeling strangled, trapped, anxious, or in general just full with no release. I speak for myself in this as well. It’s what prevented me from singing, and then writing for many years.

Why do we struggle so hard to find just the right voice? Each of us have our history and that plays a part in it. Maybe we weren’t allowed to speak much growing up, or if we did we were condemned or ridiculed. I believe it goes much deeper than this. Even though many of us grew up in a modern society being educated, employed to the top ranks and able to develop platforms to be heard, I believe there is also something deep in our bones, cellular memory perhaps, that quiets us. Perhaps it was from the time in which women’s natural wisdom was no longer seen as valid due to scientific advancement: I think of the medical field and how at one point it was understood that the earth provided all we needed for health and then synthetic medicines were created, perhaps providing quicker recovery, and natural wisdom was disregarded, and eventually became labeled as witchcraft. Women were often the bearers of this earthly knowledge. Many were misunderstood - often deliberately - and their words and abilities were used against them even though their intentions were pure. Maybe there is still some memory from when only men were educated and women were told they knew nothing because they did not read books. Self-doubt about what we knew inherently versus what men were being told was true. Maybe it’s about how in many religions women are labeled as inferior in the eyes of God, and are meant only to serve man and populate the world. 

There’s so many possible reasons why we might feel cut off from our own voice. Yet now, in this time, it’s almost as if we cannot hold it down any longer. Or at least that’s my experience. Even if we try our bodies won’t let us - we get sick in some way; physically, emotionally.

And we want to get it “just right”. We don’t want to be misunderstood. It takes trial and error. Some go to extremes, really blasting it out…other’s use words that have already been said, memes and quotes, and voicing their agreement with “Yes! This is how I feel, too!”

And some do a bit of both, some instances more extreme and some more down low…finding the balance, just the right nuance to the rhythm, the words, the tone. Or it’s in the colors, the image, the movement, or in whatever way most closely matches our insides.

There is a desire to release what is held inside. I think most art is that…turning oneself inside out. Sometimes we want others to witness it and sometimes we don’t. We want it to live outside of us so we don’t feel so congested, we need space. Maybe if we can see/hear/read it, the mind feels better because it can understand it in some way. If the mind doesn’t understand something it can get very irritated.

The struggle to find just the right tone, words, energy seems to be a particularly female issue, from what I’ve noticed. That’s not to say men don’t struggle sometimes as well but there doesn’t seem to be as much concern about it. If most men have something to say they often just say it. (Although in this day and age men are needing to be, and are being a bit more particular with words they use and the context in which they are used.) With many women, I find that we are more cautious, wanting the words to express truth at multiple levels and wanting that truth to be understood as such. Classic differences between traits of linear versus varied, textured, complex. And we’re just now feeling that we can speak in this way. That being direct and straightforward isn’t always necessary, particularly when it comes to self-expression. We’re allowed to take up more space now, and that’s resulted in us being more willing to do so.

I don’t want to be just another person spouting off their experiences & passing it off as some heightened knowledge. With social media it feels like no matter what you say someone has something to criticize about it…men & women alike. Maybe you used a word they don’t like or is slightly off in definition, or maybe they’ve just grouped you into a whole segment of people so they don’t hear you as an individual and they jump on anything they can to invalidate you as the group. Maybe they feel you should be talking about something else that they feel is more important. So I tend to just not broadcast much personal opinion, as in the end it’s all just opinion. But when it comes to this insatiable thirst for self-expression, I know I need to find an outlet.

Even though I feel quite confident about who I am as a woman, the expression, in written form for me right now, is where I still hesitate. It’s not about a conscious self-worth issue. It’s an acknowledgment that I am still inhibited by some unconscious beliefs about speaking up. I’m okay with taking up public space, as long as it is contributed from a place of clear intention, and not just taking up space to take up space. (I’m talking about public forums like social media, not about needing a purpose in order to feel worthy of taking up space.) I believe everything is energy/vibration, and words hold strong vibration. Language, just like me, has many layers and colors and tones. I have tried many times to learn other languages to give me a more expanded vocabulary to choose from, but for some reason the languages never really hold. It’s like the Universe is saying that I must learn to communicate impeccably in English as this is the audience that needs to hear you right now. I have a deep desire to have my words be received fully with the true intention behind them. This doesn’t mean there isn’t room for personal interpretation…that is only natural. But I want to give the full feel of the words, not just the sound or spelling.

In my astrological chart I have Venus in Aries. one of the qualities of this aspect, along with how the rest of my chart is laid out, is the Warrior Goddess/Defender of Cosmic Order archetype. I also have Saturn conjunct Venus, which can tend to be a bit self-punishing in the “who do you think you are” kind of way (see above references.🙄 I was told this years ago and reminded again just recently. Understanding this as a potential trait of mine helped me to be a bit softer with myself about my eagerness to speak up when I could see things - often times well before others could see - were happening in a way that was harmful and then beating myself up for speaking up about it because no one listened. These traits do run deep in me though, and part of my evolution in this lifetime has included transcending even these aspects that are believed to written in the stars. I’ve gotten much more skillful in my expression and my plan is to just keep writing until it smooths out fully.

I’ve noticed over the past few years there is a segment of women, mainly late 20s-30s, who are having their own awakening experiences and then tend to use the word f@*k a lot. I’m not sure why this is. It might be because there is this adamant refusal to have any sense of being caged or limited, and so they use this language which is bold and aggressive to exemplify this determination. If men of any age used that same type of language I think most people would find them aggressive and not be as drawn to them as they are to the women who use the same language.  Women who use it are thought of as “sassy”, not necessarily so aggressive. It’s not a “bad” thing, it’s just something that is very noticeable to me. As I watch them over the years I see their language mellow out a bit and they realize they don’t have to always be so “on”, and then there’s a new crop that comes up. I guess it’s all part of discovering and trying out all parts of us.

I sound old.

Consecration (n): the act of consecrating (v) - to make or declare sacred

Some religions tell you from the beginning you are Holy, Divinity is within. Some religions tell you from the beginning you are not Holy, but there is a God who may still love you, under certain conditions.

I grew up with the second belief. I found my Truth with the first.

I’m writing a book. It’s about my personal consecration. About finding the Holy within. About (re)connecting back to that which was veiled from me. I want to use the title: Consecration: Finding the Holy Within, just like that, but I realize it has too many religious connotations and many people will never get past the title to understand it’s not about religion at all. It is about Holiness though. It’s about devotion to self - this Holy Being; about living in awe and appreciation of Nature and Life - this Holy Existence. It’s about being able to witness myself in states of confusion, sadness and frustration - and still know the Holiness that holds it all. 

In researching consecration, I’ve learned there are 3 steps involved: Purification, Stimulation/Activation, Connection. I feel so connected to this process in a personal way. These steps have happened linearly at times and at other times simultaneously. And it is a process...believe me. Instant gratification be damned. 

Purification down to the core of my being. Not because I’m bad, or dirty or wrong, but because I am full of much disillusion, pollution and basic crap beliefs due to growing up in a world in which we are completely (& purposely) disconnected from our inherent intelligence and wisdom, and addicted to external resources for our happiness. It’s not my fault, it’s not my parent’s fault, it’s not society’s fault...it just is. As a dear friend used to tell me, “It may not be your fault but it is your problem.” And a problem it is. I’ve always felt that I was wearing layers and layers of unnecessary emotions, words, experiences, other people, etc. It took me a while to figure out how to begin to dispose of it. I didn’t know what it would lead to, but I knew there was something underneath it all. 

Stimulation/Activation -reawakening the core energy that lies within us. It can never be taken away, although it can feel like it. It is merely buried, deeply, sometimes very deeply. I could start to feel sparks of it early on in my journey. The sparks would quickly be moderated...one shouldn’t mess with fire...but internal fire cannot be put out. And the more air I gave it, the stronger it grew. Reading, different practices of yoga, physical stimulation, singing, anything creative seemed to stoke it. Liaising with like-minded others and with others who were well out of my realm of understanding...all stimulated this energy within me. I spent lots of time trying to “figure it out”, what is it? I bought lots of props, went to lots of workshops because at times it felt like it was “that” which activated this energy. And then I started to realize I could activate it on my own...without props, classes, teachers. I believe I needed all of these at first, to get me on the path, and then I didn’t need them any more.

Connection...understanding how intimately personal this energy is. How there is no one on earth that knows “me” more than this energy. That it is completely up to me in how devoted I am to it. At a certain point, no one can take me further than I can take me on my own. This doesn’t mean I never use props, read books or listen to guides and teachers anymore...I do. But never as a substitute for my direct connection. These are all tools for me to use as reflections for that which I already know. It is not separate from me...the flame and it’s heat, although can be talked about separately, cannot actually be separate.

Consecration complete. 

We really are afraid of death. It comes under the guise of “staying in your power.” We show off our bodies, argue our intellectual facts, collect as many things as possible...”look at how pretty I am, look at my educational degrees, look at my expensive car! I am obviously a very important and powerful person!” Sometimes we don’t even say this outloud but we say it to ourselves, perpetually proving to our own worst enemy that we are worthy of existence. 

We are so afraid of losing our “power” through other people’s opinions, our current business title, being seen as lower in rank - whether that is in the home and you do the laundry or at your office and you report to someone else. It’s all ego. Ego is afraid of losing “power” and therefore it’s mighty existence...death can’t be far. And ego believes death is the end.

Empowerment, taking back your power, feminine power...big words used for all kinds of personal growth strategies. I’ve used them myself. It seems though that the ego has snuck in here as well. Power seems to be an outward show. This does result in an imminent death...of the ego, and therefore it is right to stay focused. For one can only hold this kind of power for as long as you keep your job, your good looks, your finger on the new trends.

There is a way to go beyond this fear of death. When we reconnect to our inner “power” we understand that ego is just chasing its own tail. Inner power knows it can never be taken away, it can never die. 

How to find this inner power? It’s already there, there’s nothing to find. You have to give it some space though to emerge as it is probably covered in society’s conditioning, media programming and childhood trauma of some extent. A good start is to turn off the tv, computer, phone, put the list of “to do” away for 30 minutes a day...maybe go sit in nature. Breathe with the trees, let the ocean clear your mind. At least slow down your breath. Close your eyes. Be alone. Be quiet. Be curious. What happens to your breath, how crazy does your mind get, what does your body feel like right now?

If you are able to control your breath, you’ll be able to control your nervous system, and eventually your mind will slow down because it won’t be in constant GO mode. It is here, as your breath slows and your thoughts untangle, that you can begin to look at the truth of each of those thoughts. Just because you have a thought doesn’t mean it’s true.

What is true for you? Breathe into that thought as you decide. How does your body feel with that thought? Give it space. Now decide if it’s really true for you or not. Take back control of the amazing navigational tool you’ve been given, known as the mind. Know your own Truth. That’s real power. 

It is not in women’s original nature to serve. Service began out of pure hearts in cooperation in order to survive. This pureness was then co-opted into servitude.

It is women’s original nature to nurture. This trait too, has been co-opted into servitude. 

If you are on the path of Truth & Authenticity, the only vow you can make in a romantic relationship is that you will be the best person you can be, and you will support your partner to be the best person that s/he can be. And if you can no longer fulfill that vow then, as an act of love, you will remove yourself from the relationship. How you define “the best you can be” is the important thing to discuss.

Being the best person you can be does not mean being perfect. And supporting your partner to be the best person they can be does not mean enabling their harmful behaviors. It’s about making choices. When in relationship it is very important to be transparent, clear and present. Often relationships just become about a power play. You know exactly what to say or do for your partner to react in a certain way. A constant manipulation. And perhaps sometimes that’s the only way things get done or move forward.

It is ALWAYS the woman’s prerogative whether to bring life into this world or not. There is a larger Feminine Wisdom ALWAYS at play, whether it is conscious or not. Men should NEVER interfere with this prerogative.

You must take care of your physical body. It is the vehicle that streams god- energy/consciousness. It is an amazing mechanism. When the Body is brought back to life, Consciousness feels alive within each cell and the Mind steps back. At first we use the senses to awaken the body. Then the Body explodes and merges with Consciousness. Transcendance. But you must first experience the Body before transcending it. When in the body enjoy embodiment and all it offers as Nature's gift. One must experience the body before one can transcend the body.  

Pay attention to the physical body. Look at how much pollution you have exposed it to: mentally, physically, energetically, environmentally. Listen to it. Nourish it well. Sleep well. Exercise well. Allow it to heal itself...and then the wisdom emerges. When energies are not harmonized there is misalignment. When they are harmonized natural wisdom emerges.

Some would say there are many contributing factors to loneliness, with a main one being the digital age. I would agree that there are many factors, and yes, digital media has done much to our ability to go days without actually having to speak to a human in person, or even over the phone. But technological innovation is not about to stop...and every generation complains about the younger generation being out of touch. There will be more social media, A.I. to drive us around and do our work, and less incentive to leave the house. It will take concentrated effort to make personal contact with others.

This is why I think it’s important that we are encouraged to go inwards, to stop reaching out for temporary satisfaction. But first, I’m not sure if people realize what they are actually lonely for, or missing in their lives. I believe it’s the connection to themselves. They think it’s a connection to others, but the world seems so full of disappointment and tragedy that we don’t know who to turn to anymore. And somewhere down the line we stopped trusting ourselves, stopped enjoying our own company, and numbed ourselves out from feeling even the slightest bit of discomfort.