Robin Jay

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The Spoons Theory

The desperation so many queer people have for an objective rulebook of what labels mean and who can use them is just tragic assimilationist fear of deviancy, and an insult to the magnificence of rulebreaking. Historically queer identity has always been inherently subversive and challenging to the hegemonic ideals of cisheteronormative culture. Abject rigid categorisation of an experience that is to its very core antithetical to the standards of society™ seems like it's kind of missing the point.

I think that many younger queers find being faced with the fact that their labels are nothing more than a constructed performance to be scary and confronting, and understandably so. In a world where deviation from the commonly accepted norm can get you killed, having an easy way to explain who you are that you see as the one objective truth without flaw can be comforting. 

But personal invalidation or discomfort is not a reason for a marginalised person to enact the same bigotry they face onto others in an attempt to deflect it. Language is ever evolving, our feelings of queerness came far before we came up with terms like “gay” “lesbian” and “transgender”. The shifting of how we understand these terms and apply them to ourselves over time is inevitable, and I consider the fluidity of these categories not invalidating, but a beautiful thing. There is no “solving” the question of which identities are acceptable and which aren't, anyone who is attempting to do so is fighting a losing battle. Queerness is not something that will ever be able to be pinned down by a checklist of validity. Queerness is more than just “LGBT”.

It's terrifying how we're at each other's throats constantly and acting like the very same people who oppress and physically harm the queer community

If you want to be a man/boy, you are one

If you want to be a woman/girl, you are one

If you want to be non binary, you are

There’s this type of grief that comes along with connecting with and building relationships with other queer, specifically genderqueer/fucked people. Because there’s this way that I can talk about gender and all types of shit, there’s this way that I KNOW they can see me, in a way non-queers/lgbtq+s can’t or won’t and it’s BEAUTIFUL. Glorious.

But then the grief comes in. Because there are people you know, people you LOVE, people who you want to love you, who will never see you like that. Who will never connect with you like that. And it’s sad. 

Even with a lot of allies, I can’t connect with them like that. And I love being queer. I love being trans, it’s such an integral part of me. And I WANT people to see it; it’s beautiful! 

Even if they don’t understand it, I want them to see it. But there are so many pieces of me, queer parts of me, genderfucked parts of me, that just get overlooked or ignored by people like that. So again, grief. Because you have to accept that. That they may NEVER see it and it sucks because you want them to. 

i mean, i doubt it's ill-intended but it's still fucking dehumanizing.

they're pronouns, not a label. moreover, not all nonbinary people (who i mention as we are generally who is being referred to) use or are even comfortable with those pronouns, and you can be of any gender & have they/them pronouns. like it's reductive to both the nonbinary identity, & the way pronouns are used on the whole.

As a trans man who's also a gaybian fagdyke and wishes another lesbian couod date me, it hurts when other lesbians don't want men (trans men included with cis men, I fully get if you don't want cis men on your page) to interact with their content. I mean. What if the man is a lesbian? A sapphic individual? Has complex intertwinement with his/their/hers/its identity and sexuality and still has a very queer attraction to women?

Like yes I'm a man. I'm on testosterone and I go by he pronouns and present either masc or gnc most of the time. But I still love women and I never got to love women the way I wanted to when I first came out due to homophobia, internalized transphobia, and shame of still having a queer attraction to women for years due to being a trans man. It hurts. I wanna be another lesbian's boyfriend but in the queerest, dykest way possible as a man. I am not a woman. But I'm also not your typical man. I want to love another woman the way I was never loved.

And I'm not shaming lesbians who aren't into men at all. That's fine. But some lesbians are men or are sometimes men. And we don't deserve to be excluded from loving other women and lesbian positivity.