Drown in My Thoughts

Life gets a little lighter when you're surrounded by people who genuinely want to see you become a better version of yourself. The kind who patiently remind you that you're capable of letting go when you're ready.

They don't carry your baggage for you, and they don't pressure you to drop it. They simply walk beside you, gently showing you that life might feel lighter if you choose to put it down.

The decision is still yours. But having a circle that believes in your growth, respects your pace, and encourages you instead of judging you makes the journey feel less lonely.

People keep telling me to move on and act like everything is okay. Some even try to force me to be okay with someone who deeply hurt me, as if I can simply switch my feelings off.

What they don't understand is that they weren't the ones who experienced what I did. They didn't feel the betrayal, the disappointment, or the pain that came with it. It's easy to invalidate someone's feelings when you're only looking from the outside.

Just because you don't understand why I'm still hurt doesn't mean my feelings are wrong. Healing isn't about pleasing other people or pretending everything is fine. No one has the right to decide when I should be okay with someone who caused me pain.

Thank You.

Sometimes I still can't believe that we're finally here. I remember the nights when we would talk about our future and tell each other, "Maybe it's hard now because one day, God will make everything okay." At the time, we didn't know how or when. We just held on to You.

Now, as I look back, I realize you were listening all along.

Every silent prayer, every tear, every worry about our future, every moment we wondered if things would ever get better. You heard them all. You were already making a way for us.

You didn't change everything overnight, but you changed us. You taught us to trust you, to be patient, and to keep believing even when life felt uncertain.

Little by little, you are restoring every area of our lives. Emotionally, you are healing our hearts. Financially, you continue to provide in ways we never expected. Every blessing reminds us that nothing is impossible for you.

We're not at the finish line yet, but we're no longer where we used to be. And for that, we're deeply grateful.

Thank you for giving us strength when we felt tired , for never letting go of us, even during the seasons when all we could do was pray and wait.

Please continue to guide us. Keep our hearts humble, no matter how much you bless us. Help us never forget where we started, and may we always give you the glory for everything we have and everything that's still to come.

Thank You for writing a story far better than the one we could have written ourselves.

We trust You, Lord.

Minsan, nagsisimula ito sa pagtanggap na mabigat pa rin ang pakiramdam. Na may mga sakit na hindi kayang ilabas ng luha, kaya nananatili na lang sa dibdib, unti-unting bumibigat hanggang sa halos manigas o mamanhid ang buong katawan.

At kung dumating ka sa puntong gusto mong umiyak pero walang luhang tumutulo, huwag mong pilitin.

Hayaan mong maramdaman ang sakit. Damhin mo ang lungkot. Umupo ka lang sa gitna ng bigat na iyon. Hindi mo kailangang magmadali. Hindi mo kailangang piliting maging okay.

Dahil ang paghilom ay hindi nasusukat sa dami ng luhang naibuhos.

Darating din ang araw na kusa na lang papatak ang mga luha , hindi dahil mas masakit na, kundi dahil handa na ang puso mong bitawan ang matagal nitong kinimkim.

At kasabay ng bawat patak, unti-unti ring luluwag ang dibdib. Unti-unting mawawala ang bigat.

Hindi man ngayon. Hindi man bukas.

Pero darating ang araw na mapapansin mo na lang… humihinga ka na nang hindi mabigat. Ngumingiti ka na nang hindi mo pinipilit.

It's still heavy until today.

Maybe that's why I've been using AI. Not to replace you, but to make us real in pictures. Kahit sa mga larawang gawa ng AI, magkasama pa rin tayo.

I keep wondering...

Ano kaya tayo ngayon?

Siguro marami na tayong gala, no?

Marami na siguro tayong TikToks.

More sweet pictures.

More memories.

I miss you, Utod.

Utod,

Am I going crazy?

I keep sending you messages on messenger, hoping that somehow the weight in my chest will become a little lighter. I know you won't reply, but talking to you is still the only thing that feels right.

Everything feels so heavy today. It hurts more than I can explain. The memories keep flooding back, one after another, and I don't know what to do with them. I want to cry so badly, but the tears just won't come. It's like my heart is screaming while my eyes stay silent.

I miss you so much, Utod. After all these years, the pain still finds its way back to me. Some days I smile because I remember you. Today, I break because I remember you.

Sometimes, though, my heart feels heavy when I can't be present during some of their proudest moments because of responsibilities and circumstances I cannot set aside. It doesn't mean I'm any less proud, it only means life doesn't always allow me to be where I wish I could be.

Not because I doubted how you felt, but because when we were apart, those words rarely came. Sometimes I wondered if missing someone simply looked different to you.

Then I found your blog. I read every word, every thought you never said out loud. And suddenly, I understood.

I stopped asking where the “I miss yous” were, because I found them there , between the lines, in the stories, in the quiet ways you chose to remember me. Some people don't always say what they feel, but that doesn't mean they don't feel it deeply.

Sometimes, the people closest to us get hurt when life changes, especially when new people become part of our world. But it’s painful being blamed for something you never intended to do wrong. We were best friends, yet we both already had our own circles, our own lives outside of each other. I understood her feelings, but deep inside, I kept wondering why I was being made to carry all the fault when she was also the one who couldn’t fully choose or prioritize me in the first place.

What hurts even more is how complicated everything became between us. Sometimes, situations are hard to explain, and without meaning to, we ended up hurting each other along the way. It wasn’t about replacing anyone or choosing sides. Emotions, misunderstandings, and unspoken feelings just slowly changed the connection we once had. Maybe misunderstandings and unspoken emotions changed things between us, but it’s unfair when one person is left questioning themselves for a situation that was never theirs alone to create.

Minsan hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit sa tuwing may mahalagang araw sa buhay ko, may kasabay itong lungkot na hindi ko inaasahan. Parang sa gitna ng saya, may biglang bigat na dumarating, kaya nahahati yung nararamdaman ko. Hindi ko tuloy alam kung alin ang dapat manaig, yung saya ba o yung lungkot, kasi pareho silang totoo at pareho silang malalim.

Siguro ganito lang talaga ang buhay, hindi laging sabay ang saya at ginhawa, at minsan dumarating ang lungkot kahit sa panahong dapat masaya. Pero natutunan ko na okay lang maramdaman ang lahat nang sabay. Hindi mali na ngumiti habang may bigat sa puso, at hindi rin mali na malungkot kahit may dahilan para sumaya. Unti-unti kong tinatanggap na ang bawat emosyon ay may lugar, at bahagi sila ng kung paano ako magmahal at mabuhay.