jiateen

If I’m doing so great, if everything “looks okay”… why do I not feel “normal”? Why am I still in so much pain?

Having chronic pain/illness is being labeled as “never wanting to do anything” when the reality is that you do want to do the things, but are physically incapable of doing the things.

How am I supposed to love a body I’ve only ever viewed as a prison?

Why am I fighting so hard for a future I never even stood a chance at getting?

I think I’ve been in mourning for years and I never even realized it. Mourning what was my idea of my ideal self. Mourning a future I’ll never have. Mourning the person I’ll never become. This is what they don’t understand— the grief. The heartache of the ‘what if’s’ and ‘could have been’s’— the detrimental spiral. There is no solution. No cure. There is only a feeling of helplessness. Desultory acceptance.

“ It’s ludicrous! Is this how my life is going to be? Are injuries from merely existing going to start appearing out of thin air now more frequently? How am I going to live? How am I going to take care of myself? I can’t be who I want to be because I’m trapped inside this stupid body!! I can’t even be alive let alone be as active as I want! I can’t even give blood! ”

I’m tired. I’m tired of fighting— fighting to feel ‘normal’, fighting to live a life doing whatever I want, fighting my body. I just want it all to end. I’m done fighting… I can’t anymore.

Somehow I’ve managed to hurt the knee on my ‘good’ leg and it’s proving to be a rather frustrating thing to not rely on it how I need to. It’s making everything else hurt and I don’t even know what’s wrong with it yet. I’m so done. I give up. I don’t want to do this anymore… I just want to ‘get better’ but there is no getting better— there’s no cure. After nearly a decade you would think it stings less… but it doesn’t and I just can’t anymore.

I’d be a happier person if I just let go of the idea that I can be a ‘normal’ 20 something

Still trying to find the logic behind able-bodied people thinking they have to the right to tell someone what they physically can and cannot do 👀

I think what a lot of people don’t get about having an invisible illness/not easily seen disability is that we’re often forced to kinda deal with things on our own because people just brush what we say off since on a good day we look “normal” to everyone.