jholden23

Here I am.  I’m the person that said that thing.  You know what I’m talking about, everyone does.  Screencapped and taken from my Twitter profile, given a different context and reposted with all kinds of connotation that wasn’t intended.  I’ve spent the last couple of days being villainized by the supernatural fandom.  I’ve been around this fandom long enough to know that this isn’t going to change anything.  The people that do this sort of thing to others all the time won’t be changed.  I’ve learned that this fandom loves nothing more than a villian, and I’ve been handed that role.  So get your screencapping and reposting with “oh now she’s saying this” ready, because I feel like I just want to explain my headspace and how everything got blown out of proportion, resulting in me being called all kinds of things from ‘hateful’ to ‘evil’ to ‘jealous’ and much worse and then being ceremoniously marched out of the SPN fandom. And I’m sure there’s more to come.

This story actually starts a while after I entered the fandom around 5 years ago.  I was surprised to find what seems to be large amounts of people using all kinds of little things said and done by the boys, the other cast and even the production staff of the show to belittle, argue and try and force points on people or use things they like or don’t like to hate other people or broad sections of the fandom.  

They screencap and call out people, hate on actors, their wives, their kids even.  This kind of thing has always made me upset.  Everyone has things they like or don’t like.  Everyone has things they DO like.  I never understood why people can’t just move along if they don’t agree.  Life is interesting because people have different opinions on things.  Not everyone has to agree, but I always felt name calling and passive aggressive posting never helped, it just made some people feel powerful while others felt helpless.

It started feeling like people pay all of this money to go to cons just to try and find things to prove their point.  “---- looked at ----- this way, I was there and I saw it, that has to mean that they feel ------ about ------” or “----- said ------ in my ------ op and they must mean that they -----------, it was such a special moment”.  Positive or negative.  If it was positive it was quickly taken by someone else and made negative.  It seems to be getting more and more prevalent.  Ops taken to make someone happy with a certain prop or thing or look and then another section jumps all over it and says nasty things about the person that did it.  They call the fans disrespectful.  They say that the actors shouldn’t be treated that way.  When the actors don’t want to do something, they call them terrible things too.  

But, I have always felt that the actors have a right to refuse something if they want.  They are being paid to do a job.  Just like anyone else at work, if they want to refuse to do something, they can.  But at the same time, the cons have actors, acting.  We fell in love with them because of the stories they delivered from fictional characters.  The relationships they built on and off screen.  And when we take our love to the cons, they’re still actors. When they hold those props, do whatever it is we ask them, they’re acting.  I don’t see that as a bad thing.  And I really don’t think that whatever is happening or they’re being asked for that they go home and dwell on it.  If they see something they don’t like, I’m sure they just move on and don’t give it another thought.  I could be wrong here, but that’s my opinion.  If you’re in a line of work where you are constantly criticized and highly publicized (like acting), you can’t be dwelling on every little thing.  You just can’t. This skill would need to carry over to cons.

I’ve strayed from my point.  

JIB this year made me very upset within the Supernatural fandom.  It seemed more than normal, people were pulling every little thing said and done in an op, asked as a question, every exchanged anything between actors and fans or actors and actors and using it to “prove” this or that.  And to bad mouth other sections of the fandoms.  

Then the girl with the Destiel shirt was being villainized all over the place.  I felt bad for this poor girl (little did I know I’d soon take her place).  She has something she likes. It got noticed.  Lots of people feel the same way. [Just to be clear, I neither ‘ship’ Destiel or Wincest nor am I homophobic - it seems you are one of those three in this fandom]. She got called all kinds of things and people were screaming at each other about this and that.  Calling people names.  Trying to impose every little detail to make a point.

Then someone I really respect in the fandom got involved and took a side.  I got really upset, both sad and angry.  It made me so sad that something as simple as a t-shirt that made someone happy could create so much hate.  Now, I don’t know what Jensen really thinks, or Misha, or anyone, but I really doubted that anyone is crying all the way home from the stage of a con because of a t-shirt (except maybe the person that was wearing it because of the fan reaction).  They’re probably not even giving it a second thought.  I’m of the opinion that they don’t care about this trivial stuff that fans make huge deals out of all the time (hence not giving a solitary fuck).  The actors are paid very well to put on a show for fans.  People pay lots of money for it (myself included) and they enjoy this show.  With all of the things in my mind that I’ve already said, and out of anger and sadness, I felt the need to say something, just a simple tweet.  I didn’t want to even specify a fandom (because there are other fandoms like this too).  I didn’t want to call out a section of the fandom to be accused of taking sides, because I feel like any group can seem to find ammunition if the right personalities start yelling. So I tweeted what I did.  So now, thinking about what you just read, go read ‘the tweet’ again.

I’ll wait.

It’s not about so and so being a bad person, or that your interactions don’t mean anything. The people that know me and know that I often lace everything I say with heavy profanity and that I run my fat mouth when I get upset didn’t even blink at this.  They know what I’m talking about.  I talk about this kind of thing all the time. Usually with a little more context than the tweets that got sent.

There’s no denying that cons are expensive.  I use the term ‘stupid expensive’ all the time.  But I still go.  I buy ops. I go to whatever I can.  I was just in Vegas in March.  I am just as stupid as I was reflecting on anyone else.  And the people that know me and have followed me for a long time should know that.  But when something is taken off of someone's timeline, all context is lost.  Specifically, in this instance, I was inferring those who spend all that money to just incite hate within the fandom, however.

Anyone paying attention can’t deny that the actors at cons make a ton of money.  I have never, and will never say that makes them bad people.  They’re smart.  They have something that sells.  Their act.  The show outside the show.  But suddenly I’m being told that I said that they are terrible people.  That’s not what I said.  I don’t believe that in any way.  Since when does making money and putting on a show make someone evil?  That’s why we’re here to start with.  Because of a show that they were in that we loved.  There’s lots of stuff that the actors have done that’s amazing.  Charity work and all kinds of things (this document is already long enough without that list).  But that doesn’t mean that they’re not making a lot of money at cons.  And that does not make them bad people. And for the thousandth time, I didn’t say it did.

I got angry and upset arguing with people that did and still are calling me terrible things, saying nasty things and insinuating all kinds of inaccurate things.  Claiming that I ruined lives in 480 characters worth of text.  

I became frustrated because once something gets picked up by the ‘big influencers’ in this fandom, the wolves are out for blood.  The hate machine is rolling downhill, knives and pitchforks are out. I’ve seen it countless times.  It didn’t matter what I said, there was still people attacking me directly or indirectly.  Becoming more and more angry I argued back.  I did specify SPN was my main impetus when someone asked me directly, even though I had tried to keep it neutral.  But no one was listening when I was trying to explain.  They only saw the worst of what was posted, the connotation I was not trying to say.  I locked my account, deleted the tweet in question and posted another angry message, this time directed at the fandom at large.  I don’t usually delete tweets because I feel like people should be able to have conversations about things.  But this was not happening, the oven was set to ‘destroy’ and I was inside.  It wouldn’t have mattered if I deleted it anyway.  So I argued.

A word about the ops and actors acting and then I’ll go away forever from the SPN fandom.  

Yes, I do believe that actors are ‘on’ all the time, acting.  I’m a teacher.  When I’m hanging out with my friends I drink and swear and tell bad jokes.  Sitting on my couch or at the pub I’m the ‘real’ me.  Last night I had a gig with a jazz band that I play with in the evenings where there was a bar that sold booze.  I had three students attend the gig to listen to the music.  Although I would usually be my normal self around the band that I played with last night, I didn’t swear and didn’t drink.  Why? Because I had students there.  I don’t feel this is any different with actors.  

They are ‘on’ when there’s fans around.  They have to be careful what they say and do.  Look at what’s happened when they’re not (see tweets calling out customer service).  They’re still them, but them ‘lite’.  If they’re frustrated, they’re not going to react the same way they would at home.  They just can’t in the public eye and they know it.  They have to save some of themselves for their families and their private times.  I still talk to my students in a very ‘me’ way, but there’s always that little bit that I keep for my friends and family.  It’s my opinion that actors are the same way.  That doesn’t make them bad.  It makes them human.

Finally, as far as ops and interactions at cons or anywhere else; what difference does it make if the actors are acting?  Did you enjoy it?  Is it special to you?  Good.  That’s what you paid for.  I have had plenty of interaction with this cast, other actors and musicians that made me happy.  Do I think it made them as happy as it made me? Hell no.  Does that make me feel any less happy about it?  Absolutely not.  Do I think they go home and sit on the couch and revel in how amazing my photo op was? I hope not.  I go to sets and watch them film, I chat with them on set, I see them at cons, I buy ops and take photos and all the other things.  But at the end of the day, I take those interactions and keep them in my heart knowing full well that the person on the other side isn’t nearly as excited to meet me as I was them.  And that’s exactly what I expect, believe and love about being a fan.  It’s just the nature of being a fan of someone.  

Do I believe there are people that have made connections? Sure.  Do I believe everyone has to? No.  Do I believe the actors take every op home with them?  No. They have their own lives and families. Are others welcome to believe something different?  Absolutely. I’m not going to tell you what to think.  But no matter what I or you believe, it shouldn’t affect how you see your own interactions.  I saw that I was being accused of ‘taking away’ people's moments.  Not only was that not the intended connotation of that statement (think back to the beginning-people using ops to try and prove the most special thing and use it to alienate parts of fandom) but no one can do that.  No one can take away whatever impact meeting someone had on you.  Especially not a stranger on the internet ranting about something different, but being pigeonholed into something else.

Ok, I’m done here.  Entirely.  I just felt that I deserved a chance to better explain what I was actually trying to say.  I guess I can’t say that I’m surprised that things have turned out this way knowing how this fandom operates and knowing that I tend to get explosive in my language.  I still believe in what I said in the context I was trying to state it.  But not everyone knows me well enough to put my own personality to it and realize what was actually being said.  Everyone else just pulls out my words and throws context of their own on them, shining a different coloured light on my words and using it to create hate.  

However, I likely should have provided some more context to my words.  In my head the intention was clear.  

But that said, I didn’t want to insult anyone or assume create problems.

I can’t wait to see all the names I’ll get called for this.  Actually, it’s not going to matter.  I already know and after being the target of the hate, I’ll be checking out of it.  I’ve already become a punchline.  If that what it takes to make people happy, fine.  I’ll be the sacrifice.  I’m still going to enjoy everything I did before, going to cons, going to sets, taking photos and sharing stories, but I’ll do it one on one.  I wouldn’t want to start a fight.

Oh and before someone beats me to it, no I did not enjoy Season 14.  No I do not like the character of Jack.  No, I’m not going to villainize people who feel differently.  While my opinion is different it doesn’t make it more right than someone else’s.  But that’s the beauty of life.  Opinions make things interesting.

Just like people's opinion of me.  You can still think what you want.  Maybe I am a villain.  Maybe I am a bad person.  I’m just me, though. And we’re all a work in progress. 

A wise band teacher one said ‘If you’re holding out for universal popularity, you’re going to be waiting a long time.’